The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Damien on… Movie/TV Silly #27: The Strangled Woman

July 13, 2018

We’ve all seen it; the man wraps his hands around the woman’s neck and squeezes – then after a few seconds of wriggling, her hands around his wrists, the eyes flutter and close – and she goes limp and expires. BALDERDASH! The reality is that actual strangulation is a highly technical discipline which, luckily, few people […]

Damien on… T-Shirt Legends

July 5, 2018

Nowadays, people wear T-shirts that give FREE advertising to commercial concerns, but In My Day, T-shirts had SLOGANS like MAKE LOVE NOT WAR and I’M WITH STUPID and FRANKIE SAYS RELAX (allright, that last one WAS an ad for a commercial concern, but still). Anyhay, a while back I decided to buy a bunch of […]

Damien on… This Is The End, My Friend

June 11, 2018

Trump says, “I’ll know in a minute…it’s my touch, it’s my feel.” For crissake, you’re going on a political summit – not a blind date. It’s like sending Archie Bunker to negotiate with Adolf Hitler. Why not just put them in a bare-knuckle ring, like in Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Two Tribes” video? An unfair fight? […]

Damien on… Samantha Bee

June 2, 2018

Sam Bee called a celeb a rude word. It is a fair bet that around the same time, somewhere in the world, an unloved, un-cared-for kitten got SQUASHED by a vehicle. Which incident do YOU care most about?

Damien on… Personality

May 20, 2018

The thing that UGLY people need, to succeed in this world. Elsewhere in these scribblings, I have attempted to solve the riddle of The Afterlife. And with a smattering of science, a dollop of intuition and a slew of LOGIC, I thought I had successfully DONE so. I had eliminated religion as Man-made-up nonsense. I […]

Damien on… Dick-Pics

May 17, 2018

Is THIS a dick-pic? NO!!! It’s a new-born Mexican Hairless puppy. Aww!

Damien on… The Evolution Of Language

May 13, 2018

Language evolves, but “editorial solutions by Moviola” is pretentious BULLSH*T. Editing is a ROUTINE PROCESS – not a PROBLEM – which is what is implied by the CORRECT use of the word SOLUTION. This crap comes from I.T.

Damien on… The “Royal” Mail

May 11, 2018

…is a right royal f***-up, that’s for sure. For a LONG time now, they have consistently been inconsistent, incompetent and incapable. When you post something to the Uke from abroad, all is jake until it disappears into the black hole that is Broken Britain. If I was QE2, I would order them to RENAME it – British Mail. […]

Damien on… The Nobel Peace Prize

May 4, 2018

So now the Republicans are trying to get Trump a Nobel Peace Prize. Could he actually GET one? Well, going on the committee’s past performance… Nine years ago, they gave President Obama one – BEFORE his presidency had got going. Even Barry said he had “no idea” why. And ninety-nine years ago, they gave President Wilson one – […]

Damien on… Ty Cobb

May 3, 2018

Sarah Huckabee-Sanders said, “Ty Cobb, a friend of the president, who has done a terrific job, will be retiring at the end of the month.” Damn – I thought he retired in 1895.

Damien on… YouTube: Retribution

April 10, 2018

YouTube began as a number of things; a place young idiots could post low-res camera vids of their idiot friends jumping off garage rooves into bushes and similar Jackass stunts, a platform for performing pussies – and the Universal Archive. Then modern groups began uploading their latest music there, to promote their live tours – thus […]

Damien on… Why Do Some Adults Retain Belief In God, Demons And Angels, Yet Reject Belief In Santa, Goblins And Fairies?

April 6, 2018

…a question I answered thusly… I quit belief in ALL of them, aged nine – and now being sixty-five, I have seen nothing to convince me to change that view. Further, in all that time I have never managed to understand how ANY thinking grownup COULD hold on to any of these clearly-Man-made-up entities. But […]

Damien on… Freakshow

March 19, 2018

Did you see Trump’s rally for Rick Saccone? Saccone LOST – then again, if Trump had promoted HIM instead of HIMSELF, for over an hour… But the thing I could not tear my eyes away from was a bozo in the audience BEHIND Trump – up on the top left of the crowd. Now my Mum always […]

Damien on… Freedom Of Speech

March 14, 2018

For any writer, freedom of speech is paramount. But is it really desirable across the board? The problem is, with freedom goes responsibility. Let’s examine a few examples… A racist gets up on a soap-box in a predominantly immigrant neighbourhood and begins a diatribe of racist philosophising. Now in an ideal World he would be […]

Damien on… Bump Stocks

February 22, 2018

I see in the news that Trump has finally moved (slightly) on the issue of bump stocks. I suppose he had to do something after one of their chief manufacturers took the P*SS out of him with a Presidents Day promotion that included the coupon code – “MAGA”. For those few who don’t know, a bump stock […]

Damien on… Penis Whitening

February 8, 2018

Now, as an expat Brit living in Thailand, I love the Thais. But holy cojones, do they do some daft things. Case in point… The Thais are obsessed by being LIGHT-SKINNED. It’s not a RACIAL thing – but rather, a CLASS thing. You see, if someone has dark skin, it suggests they are a FARM-WORKER, as […]

Damien on… Old Age

February 1, 2018

Trump says he sometimes tweets in bed. Don’t worry Donald – that often happens to men when they hit their seventies.

Damien on… Malarkey

January 24, 2018

Uncle Joe Biden is not above dropping an “F-bomb” when the situation warrants it, if he thinks no mic can pick him up – but for public consumption, he uses words that have not been heard since the Fifties. Malarkey, High-Jinks and Shenanigans being amongst them. However, in this age where (in England, at least) […]

Damien on… 2018

January 1, 2018

Thank gawd 2017 is OVER! This New Year MUST be better – RIGHT? Except…ain’t that what we said exactly one year ago, about 2016? At that time, Britain and America had just endured twelve months where – for the first two – barely a day had gone by when ANOTHER of our Showbiz Heroes hadn’t fallen off the twig. […]

Damien on… ‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly

December 19, 2017

After WW2, European electronics giant Philips decided to enter the record biz. By that time, British recording giant EMI had SLIPPED as far as sound quality was concerned – their equipment being from the Thirties – so given Philips’ equipment was brand NEW, the newcomer managed to wrest the European distribution rights to American behemoth Columbia’s catalogue away from them. This […]

Damien on… Being 65

December 7, 2017

Too young to die. Too old to live.

Damien on… Party Like It’s 1999

November 29, 2017

Me now being sixty-five, you might expect my naustalgia to be all about the SIXTIES – easily the best decade of the last century, with its Golden Year of 1967 (you should see the CHARTS). But NO. MY Golden Decade ran from 1998 to 2007. The Age Of TRANCE. You see, while my teens and twenties […]

Damien on… Xmas Fun

November 19, 2017

I hear Greggs are taking some heat over one of their adverts… …some say it is tasteless (it looks delicious to me). Then again, Jesus backwards IS Susej!

Damien on… Just Another Day In America

November 6, 2017

Baptist church…Texas…lone shooter…ballistic vest…automatic assault rifle…twenty-six dead…ages from seventy-two to five…many more injured…thoughts and prayers…not the time to talk about gun control…yah-di-yah-di-yah-di-yah… Also today, around a HUNDRED people died in road traffic accidents in America. The reason these deaths were not widely reported is that they were ROUTINE. Is it not time to treat American mass shootings likewise? […]

Damien on… The New One Pound Coin

October 17, 2017

I like the way the new 12-sided Pound coin resembles the classic THRE’PENNY BIT! For those young-uns who don’t know what I’m talking about; In The Old Days, when we had two hundred and forty pennies (not “pence”) to the Pound, there was a three-penny coin. The last version was produced from 1937 to 1967, after which it was discontinued […]

Damien on… Roy Moore

October 3, 2017

Roy Moore must feel CONFLICTED today. On the one hand, his headwear suggests he likes Country music – while his little gun demonstrates his support for the Second Amendment. So when Stephen Paddock shot more than fifty Country Music Festival attendees to death – and injured over five hundred more – at least his RIGHTS were not being restricted. So that’s all […]

Damien on… Do You Believe Telekinesis Is Possible?

September 19, 2017

No, no and NO! Picture the scene; the last pair are coming down the eighteenth fairway in a major golf tournament. Several strokes ahead of the rest of the field, these two are level. After indifferent second strokes they both recover, to make the green in three. One is fifteen feet from the hole, so […]

Damien on… Trump Vs Fatboy Kim

September 6, 2017

If Fatboy Kim keeps pushing Trump’s buttons, I worry Trump may decide to nuke Seoul. Yes, I know Seoul is the capital of SOUTH Korea. I know that – you know that – but does TRUMP know that?

Damien on… Trump is HYPOMANIC

August 21, 2017

I FIRMLY believe the Leader Of The Free World has HYPOMANIA. Manic depression (a.k.a. bipolarity) is well known – but hypomania less so. According to Wikipedia, hypomania (literally “under mania”) is characterized by persistent disinhibition and pervasive elevated (euphoric) mood, with or without irritability. Hypomania is distinct from mania in that there is no significant functional […]

Damien on… Guam

August 11, 2017

The tourist brochures describe Guam as  “star-sand beaches, crystal clear blue skies and world-famous sunsets.” Sounds like a nice place to visit. Not right NOW, of course.

Damien on… Jared Kushner – And Ivanka

August 6, 2017

For a long time, we knew nothing of Jared – he had never spoken widely. But now he has, it is clear he is a major DWEEB. And having seen Ivanka many times on her daddy’s TV show, we already knew what SHE is like. Thus it is pretty clear who wears the trousers in […]

Damien on… Sarah Huckabee-Sanders

July 25, 2017

I was sad to see Spicey go – first kicked upstairs – then OUT, by the Trump machine. He was FUNNY. Then in came the titular woman. A dopey, humourless woman who will probably do well, as a Trump apologist. But where did she COME from? Was she the product of an unholy union between Mike Huckabee […]

Damien on… Leggy May – Seriously?

July 14, 2017

As a Brit, I am astonished that neither the Grauniad nor the political commentators/satirists (from whom I obtain most of my information regarding the country I escaped from, some fifteen years ago) have picked up on this – but after her recent election “victory” Leggy May clearly referred to her misbegotten party as “The Conservative […]

Damien on… “Internet Taxes”

July 1, 2017

Of course, there is no such thing – the Interweb is FREE. One imagines what the Trumpster was referring to was CORPORATION tax – of which I hear Google pays very little. But then again, this is rich coming from a man who publicly BOASTED how little tax HIS businesses paid, during his Presidential Debates with the […]

Damien on… Eric Trump

June 14, 2017

So I happened upon the following picture… …and I thought, “Oh that’s nice, it’s Eric Trump; holding a large cat. Better than his father, who prefers GROPING pussies. But then the horrible truth dawned. This cat wasn’t a pet – it was a TROPHY. The animal was DEAD. Despite the fact that the leopard had […]

Damien on… “The Greatest Show On Earth”

June 5, 2017

After 146 years, Ringling Bros And Barnum & Bailey’s Circus is no more. Good. However, while this author is no more in favour of pressing wild animals into performing “tricks” than any other right-minded person, this piece is not about that. No, my beef is with the concept of the Three-Ring Circus – adopted by a […]

Damien on… The Trump Experiment

May 23, 2017

…is currently nearing its end. And since its ramifications will doubtless be a topic of conversation for decades to come, this observer has decided to put in his two penn’orth NOW. The experiment had two components. One: could an experienced big businessman run America like a big business? And two: could a blue collar guy […]

Damien on… The Trouble With Initials

May 21, 2017

Corporations love initials. They enable them to imprint themselves onto the public consciousness – but they have their drawbacks. F’rinstance, while three initials would seem to offer an infinite amount of possibilities (well, 17,576 anyway) once you take into account the popularity of different letters they reduce dramatically. And some combinations get downright over-used – the ubiquitous ABC, […]

Damien on… Cock Holsters

May 7, 2017

…the dictionary definition of which is; “The mouth of either a male or a female. Used as a derogatory meaning” – thus it is not even limited to the LGBT community. And when Stephen Colbert used the expression on his Late Show, to describe Trump’s relationship with Putin, it was – well, late. And CBS bleeped the word […]

Damien on… Another Bloody Election

April 30, 2017

So Leggy May calls a snap election – why? For the sake of non-Brits, a little background… Britain is a One-Party State. The party consists of two wings – the “left” wing is called Labour – the “right” wing, Conservative or Tory. And this organisation has ruled Britain for over a century. They have achieved this […]

Damien on… Sean Spicer

April 17, 2017

What an utter tool. The irony is that when he stated that even Hitler had never stooped to using chemical weapons – and a reporter reminded him about the HOLOCAUST – he COULD have gotten out of the mess by QUALIFYING his statement. Had he been better informed and more eloquent, he could have pointed out that […]

Damien on… Going Out For An American

April 12, 2017

The other day, I was passing a certain popular fast-food outlet, which had a life-size plastic clown seated on a bench outside. Quickly, while no-one was watching, I got my wife to sit down and pose next to it. With her head and hands in a certain position, it looked like he had good reason to […]

Damien on… The Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow

March 29, 2017

It used to be said that only Rolls-Royce could boast that over half the cars they had ever produced were still in existence. This was in the days when your chauffeur (one never drove one’s own Rolls-Royce) had to place his jacket over the radiator grill if it Ceased To Proceed (Rolls-Royces never broke down). Then he […]

Damien on… Who You Gonna Blame?

March 19, 2017

Who is responsible for the fact that Britain and America are currently circling the drain? Well, since Leggy May is about to deliver Britain’s SUICIDE NOTE to Europe – and Donald Trump has achieved more bad in less than two months than Barry Obama achieved good in EIGHT YEARS – the answer would seem to […]

Damien on… “May You Live In Interesting Times”

March 12, 2017

…is said (erroneously) to be an ancient Chinese curse. But for two of America’s Late Night chat-show hosts, the current interesting times have proven to be a major BOON. I am speaking of Mssrs. Colbert and Meyers. A peculiar thing about American Late Night is its scheduling. While FIVE chat-shows a night is clearly overkill […]

Damien on… Women And Animals

March 7, 2017

Most people think “Disneyfied” animals – ones that TALK – are fantasies for children. Not so. All animals HAVE the power of speech. They simply choose to HIDE it from us. This is so they don’t have to listen to our complaining. If we knew they can understand us, think what a PAIN it would be for […]

Damien on… School Reunions

February 21, 2017

I would have to travel half-way around the planet to attend one – so it ain’t going to happen. But I offer the following ploy to anyone who can USE it… First, you hire an actress (or an escort, if you’re not that rich). For the gag to work, she will need to be good-looking and SMART. […]

Damien on… Thailand Takes The P*ss

February 11, 2017

There are too many examples of words in the Thai language that are SILLY in English, for it to be a coincidence: porn, pee-pee, prik, poo, Phuket – and that’s just the ‘P’s. Plus, let us not forget the one EVERYONE knows – Bangkok. But it doesn’t stop there. One of the largest chains of megastores in […]

Damien on… “…Make You Laugh Out Loud”

February 2, 2017

“…Make You Laugh Out Loud” is an “INVISIBLE” TV SERIES. At least, its absence from both Wiki and IMDb would suggest so. Even the company (Britain’s Channel Five – the Brexit of TV channels) who apparently finance it are loath to show details of anything but a few random episodes on their website. Indeed, that […]

Damien on… Leggy May: You Go, Girl!

January 28, 2017

I understand Leggy is currently having a summit with Trump. Well, she needs to give him ANYTHING he wants (yes, including one of THOSE). The reason being, right now – Trump needs friends (as does Leggy). The Latin countries hate him (wall, etc.) China hates him (Taiwan). And for obvious reasons, he does not WANT to get too chummy […]

Damien on… Antitheism: An Afterthought

January 15, 2017

Down this column (about a year ago) I wrote a long piece on this subject (and, re-reading my reply to a comment; BOY, was I right about 2016!) You can find it at… Anyhoo, thinking more about it, I realised that some might accuse me of bias, declaring that religion itself is BENIGN, and cannot be blamed […]

Damien on… It ENDS.

January 3, 2017

Well folks, there were only TWO famous(ish) dead celebs during the last cuppla days of the HELLISH year of 2016 – William Christopher (Father Mulcahy, from M*A*S*H) and Cyril deGrasse Tyson (Neil’s Dad). And three days into 2017 – no MORE. So let us all hope they END the run…

Damien on… 2016: The Year Of Trump, Brexit – And DEAD CELEBS

December 28, 2016

At least, if you are BRITISH. At the beginning of this year, there was a two-month period when we lost David Bowie, Keith Emerson, Paul Daniels, Alan Rickman, Lemmie from Motorhead, Sylvia Anderson, Sir Terry Wogan, Ken Adam, Cliff Michelmore, Ed Stewart, Sir George Martin, Douglas Slocombe, Alan Haven and Norman Hudis. And during the same period, […]

Damien on… The Spirit Of Christmas

December 23, 2016

…should be drunk SLOWLY…

Damien on… The Donald And Tsai

December 16, 2016

The Trumpster is in it again. Having accepted a congratulatory phone call from Taiwan’s President (she’s sixty – but at least a six) he has unwittingly (?) caused an almighty flap in Washington. The reason being that for decades, in order to maintain relations with China, America has played that country’s game of considering the former Formosa (named after […]

Damien on… Being Specific

December 1, 2016

So there was this bloke who lived alone – next door to two lesbians. One day, they popped around to ask if he could fix their washing machine, as it had just sprung a leak and flooded their kitchen. Being handy, he agreed to give it a try – and after a couple of hours of heaving […]

Damien on… Trump And Political Correctness

November 21, 2016

Elsewhere in these observations, I have mused on how the success of Donald Trump – like the “Brexit” Leave Campaign – was largely down to the proles’ fear of foreign terrorism. But I accepted that in both cases, there were other factors. And in the case of Trump – PC was certainly one of them. Before the […]

Damien on… 2016 – What The HELL Happened?

November 17, 2016

It is customary to analyse a year just after it has FINISHED – and this one still has seven weeks to go. However, now the dust APPEARS to have (hopefully) settled, your humble scribe (always ahead of the curve) has decided to get his two penn’orth in FIRST. The year began with a miserable two-month period […]

Damien on… Nigel Farage – Britain’s New Envoy To America?

November 11, 2016

This proposition sprang from Nigel’s recent fawning exercises at Trump’s rallies. Not surprisingly, the suggestion has been met with DERISION by both Farage – who has refused to involve himself with Britain’s ruling Conservative party – and the British government, who have declared the (on and off) UKIP leader to be an “irrelevance”. However, something FAR FROM irrelevant is the fact […]

Damien on… I CALLED IT!!!

November 10, 2016

…as 2016 President-Elect Donald Trump (I can’t believe I just typed that) would undoubtedly say. A week ago, in this very column, I typed the following – And according to the then-latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, his “invisibles” have numbered EXACTLY my predicted six percent! We have CLUELESS POLLSTERS – and foreign terrorism – to thank for […]

Damien on… The Reason TRUMP WILL WIN!!!

November 4, 2016

…is that, as House MD opined – people LIE. They lie to their enemies, their friends – even themselves. And they have NO qualms about lying to POLLSTERS – as was recently demonstrated, during the Brexit fiasco. The thing is, no-one wants to appear racist, petty or greedy – even to a complete stranger they will […]

Damien on… Bob “Dylan”

October 22, 2016

I see the tedious Zimmerman has slighted the Nobel committee, who were dumb enough to award him their prize for Literature. I have no idea why, but would LIKE to think it was IN PROTEST at them giving the Peace Prize to President Barry Obama before he had really DONE anything – and President Woody Wilson after […]

Damien on… No-one Ever Dies On “The Blacklist”

October 2, 2016

…at least, none of… …hey look, you should only read this if you like The Blacklist AND are up to date with the American transmissions of same – okay? If not, naff off. So where was I? Oh yes, PLENTY of people get killed in this series – but the ones we LIKE always come BACK. This […]

Damien on… The Great British Pension Rip-Off: UPDATE!

September 24, 2016

I wrote the following a YEAR ago – BEFORE Brexit… This ex-pat British writer is lucky enough to have been born some eighteen months AFTER the date he will qualify for the new Flat Rate UK Pension – and about three years BEFORE the date when that qualification will be increased to 66. But that ends the […]

Damien on… Mortarboards

September 13, 2016

The Square Academic Cap. Usually worn with a gown. Both black. When I was a kid in Sixties England, high-school teachers still wore these. They were considered to be like the wigs and gowns worn by the legal profession; affording credibility to the wearer. However, as the decade wore on, their usage died out. But then, […]

Damien on… Mensa

September 8, 2016

How about this as a motto for Mensa? “CINGENTIBUS YDIOTARUM” (It means “I’m surrounded by idiots”)

Damien on… The Thai Coca-Cola Competition Prize – A “Red Dwarf” Fridge???

August 21, 2016

[UPDATE!] Actually, no – I belatedly looked it up. It turns out that “smeg” – the all-purpose profanity used on “Red Dwarf” (derived from “smegma” which means… YOU can look THAT up) – has no less than FIVE ACRONYMIC applications, one of which is Smalterie Metallurgiche Emiliane Guastalla (which translates as the Emiliane metallurgical enamel works […]

Damien on… The Olympics

August 16, 2016

It’s sport.

Damien on… Edsel Ford

July 24, 2016

Henry Ford must have really HATED his son. Firstly, the old bugger named him EDSEL. Does NO-ONE remember their childhood? You do NOT call a kid something that will get them BEATEN at school. Berk. Of course, if the boy had any gumption, he would have told everyone his name was ED. Then if pressed, he […]

Damien on… Double Standards

July 12, 2016

If two girls are dancing together, they attract guys – but if two GUYS…

Damien on… The Conservatives Versus The Republicans: One-Nil

July 5, 2016

Right now, America’s Republican Party must be feeling even sicker than Boris Johnson. Because in Britain, the Tories managed to get rid of Bozo in just a couple of DAYS – something which the GOP has FAILED to do to The Donald in over a YEAR! And that sick feeling HAS to be compounded by the fact […]

Damien on… “The Rise And Rise Of Michael Rimmer” (1970)

July 1, 2016

Satirical comedy. A PR puke rises through Britain’s political system to become its virtual dictator. Much has been written and said about this film; it was devised (and ultimately funded) by David Frost – initially scripted by John Cleese and Graham Chapman (who wrote much of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”) – and starred Peter Cook, who added much to […]

Damien on… The Washington Redskins

June 21, 2016

Much controversy has been generated by the Redskins’ logo. Many Native Americans find it offensive. Here it is… Okay, so how about this British person with NO interest in British, let alone American sports, laying the matter to rest? Here is MY suggestion for a new Redskins logo… You’re welcome.

Damien on… Full Employment

June 2, 2016

The two words “job creation” are now part of every political stump speech, but the two words you will NEVER hear from a politician are “full employment” – WHY? Buckle up… To illustrate the answer, we need to invent a small town. Let us call it Anytown. It has 1,000 jobs and 990 workers, meaning when a […]

Damien on… President Trump

May 16, 2016

If Trump actually ends up as POTUS 45 – WHATEVER he does, at least he will never have to worry about becoming known as The Worst President America Ever Had. That position is already irrevocably FILLED. By one George Wan… sorry, WaLker Bush.

Damien on… The Meaning Of Dreams

May 9, 2016

…There isn’t any. I thank you. Oh – you want more? Okay. For centuries, psychiatrists and other quacks have made fortunes convincing people that interpretation of dreams can reveal important facts about their inner psyches. All of which is bogus. When we sleep, our higher brain – the “conscious” – shuts down, allowing our lower […]

Damien on… Bill Cosby

April 15, 2016

These days, Bill is in the news a LOT. But while I occasionally glance through what has been said, I find ZILCH about something that is CENTRAL to the issue – the way things WERE during the times his “offences” took place. Of course, there are those who would say that wrongdoing is wrong, no matter WHEN it was […]

Damien on… Ennio Morricone

April 5, 2016

This KINDA follows on from the end of the piece on Pop and Dance… … which bemoans the lack of MELODY in today’s music. So where does Morricone figure in this? Read on, reader… You are probably familiar with Ennio Morricone as that guy who wrote the scores for those “spaghetti westerns” in the Sixties, right? But […]

Damien on… The Grim Reaper

March 18, 2016

It began with David Bowie – then, in ten weeks, it has included Keith Emerson, Paul Daniels, ​Alan Rickman, Lemmie, Sylvia Anderson, Terry Wogan, Ken Adam, Cliff Michelmore, Ed Stewart, Frank Sinatra Jr., Sir George Martin, Tom Mullica, Douglas Slocombe and Alan Haven. In TEN WEEKS! Now I’m OLD, is it going to be like this CONTINUOUSLY??

Damien on… Evolution

March 10, 2016

Evolution was invented over a hundred years ago, by Charles Dance. He noted that some horses had grown tall, so they could reach the berries in tall trees. This meant they got healthier – and they passed their jeans on to their young. They were called Giraffes. Humans have done this as well. Supermarkets were first […]

Damien on… Mickey Mouse For President

February 26, 2016

Since almost ANY American can run for POTUS, the ballot forms have to have a “write name in” panel at the bottom of the list of “serious” candidates. This is called Democracy. Thus inevitably, Mickey Mouse, Alfred E. Neumann, Howard Stern and other sillies collect significant numbers of votes in every election. This too is called Democracy. However, the democratic process […]

Damien on… Education

February 9, 2016

When your son asks you why he needs an education – show him this picture… When your daughter asks you why she needs an education – show her this picture…

Damien on… One For Numerophiles

February 5, 2016

Incredibly, numerophile is not a recognised word, even though its antonym – numerophobe – IS (although you’ll be hard-stretched to find it in a dictionary). So its journey to recognition begins HERE… Back in 2009, I purchased a nice digital clock (I even bought a second, to replace it when it conked out – which so far, […]

Damien on… Racism And Recordable DVDs

January 16, 2016

I recall a TV show where a young person was talking with an elderly person and then they said something which assumed the elder was a racist. At which point, said elder stopped them and said, “Now hang on, you’re assuming because I’m old I must be a racist – that makes YOU an AGEIST.” It […]

Damien on… World War Three

January 2, 2016

Ask any British school-child (who has been paying attention) when World Wars One and Two began and ended and they will say 1914-18 and 1939-45. But put the same question to an American kid and you will get 1916-18 and 1941-45. And in Spain, China or Japan – yet more alternative start dates. While Peninsula Malaysia and […]

Damien on… Meteor “Showers”

December 17, 2015

Is it not time this astronomical LIE was exposed? A typical “shower” consists of about one every FIFTEEN SECONDS. If I stood under my shower and received one drip of water every quarter of a minute – I would NOT consider it to be a SHOWER! True, if you mount a camera on a tripod, then set it […]

Damien on… Antitheism

December 10, 2015

When I was nine years old, I had an epiphany; I realised that Santa Claus, fairies, goblins and God were man-made MYTHS. And in the fifty-four years since, I have seen nothing to dispossess me of that realisation. However, while atheism is perfectly acceptable amongst thinking people today, half a century ago, you were looked […]

Damien on… The History Of Pop And Dance

November 27, 2015

…Began, as we know it today, around 1920. It emerged at the beginning of “The Jazz Age”. But although the term “Dance Music” was coined early on, the term “Pop” (short for popular) had to wait until the Fifties. In 1920, the New Sound was called – Syncopated Music. This quickly sub-divided itself into what is now called […]

Damien on… Area 51

November 6, 2015

Like everyone else, I have seen those documentaries where guys try to approach this legendary place and get warned off by heavily armed militia, then show planes taking off from Las Vegas with blacked-out windows – and get told by officials that there is no such PLACE as Area 51. Plus the base’s borders have been pushed back […]

Damien on… America: Land Of The… Free?

October 31, 2015

Elsewhere in these columns I have remarked upon how in England you can freely make love with a sixteen-year-old, have sex with a prostitute and do many other things that Stateside, would result in your incarceration (hell, UK girls may even overlook Americans’ lack of chest-hair and foreskin). And do not even get me STARTED on the issue […]

Damien on… New Rhyming Slang

October 7, 2015

Bag For Life = wife I’ll add more as they occur to me…

Damien on… Bernie Sanders

September 25, 2015

So I am NOT the only Liberal Socialist in the World – it turns out Bernie “Feel The Bern” Sanders is one too. However, I suspect his chances of becoming POTUS 2016 are about as good as MINE (I was born in England). I mean, current incumbent Barry Obama is a LONG way to the […]

Damien on… President Trump – Could It Actually HAPPEN?

September 14, 2015

I’ll let you into a secret; a small part of me (a very DARK part) hopes it DOES. It would probably COST me, but it would almost be WORTH it – for the ENTERTAINMENT value! And as for America; well, they say a country gets the police and government it deserves – and given the […]

Damien on… The NRA – Yet Another Fail

August 28, 2015

So a “disgruntled” local news reporter falls out with two of his former colleagues – a cameraman and a female reporter. Now if this had happened anywhere else, the guy (who was at best short-tempered and more likely, totally psychotic) might have ventilated the guy’s car-tyres and posted the woman something brown, smelly and unpleasant. But no, this happened in […]

Damien on… Road Rage And Work-Related Stress Nervous Breakdowns – A Correlation?

August 16, 2015

Road Rage is generally thought to be committed by people with issues – damaged people – you know – arseholes. And this is probably largely true. However, there is another phenomenon which may be at least PARTIALLY responsible – work-related stress nervous breakdowns. WAY down this column is a piece on the subject ( in which […]

Damien on… Jules O’Dwyer

July 30, 2015

I hear over eight hundred people complained to Ofcom about Jules O’Dwyer using a “ringer” (a similar-looking pooch to Matisse) in the “Britain’s Got Talent” Final. These people need to GET A LIFE! The contestant was JULES – it was SHE that was being voted for, not her dogs. She is a BRILLIANT animal trainer […]

Damien on… “Top Gear” – R.I.P.

July 1, 2015

So there it was. Auntie had announced that following the removal of her errant nephew, she would screen the material made for the last three eps of Season 22 as a special – WITHOUT him. This reporter pointed out that removing Jeremy from the footage would be like trying to excise the bride from a […]

Damien on… The Age Of Consent

June 22, 2015

People say Americans don’t understand IRONY. And yet America is the country that invented the Cheerleader. But it is also the ONLY country in the World where in most states, it is ILLEGAL to BONK one. Now if THAT isn’t ironic…

Damien on… Dave Grohl

June 13, 2015

I understand that yesterday, the Foo Fighters’ front-man fell off stage in Sweden and broke a leg. After having it splinted and bound, he went back out and FINISHED THE GIG. DAMN, the man has bigger ones than me – if I had broken a TOE, I would still be in hospital!

Damien on… “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off”

June 1, 2015

Two days ago, I heard this nauseating song covered on BGT and was reminded of how far we have come since My Day – ALL DOWN. This Anthem To Abstinence was written at the height of the AIDS scare and sung by a guy called Germaine who called himself an R&B artist (apparently, he had never […]

Damien on… “Designer Stubble”

May 20, 2015

For five minutes in the Eighties, this phenomenon was “trendy”. However, in the Twenty-Teens, there are only two excuses for a man to sport it; one: he is in the transitional stage of growing a beard (in which case, he should AVOID public gaze as far as possible – like a man who recently got a nose job and now […]

Damien on… A CENTURY Of The British Party

May 7, 2015

Like a battered wife whose abusive husband has promised yet again to behave himself, the British public returns to the Polls today. But where they put their little crosses (or ticks – which are normally discounted) will matter little. The current general election ALMOST marks (just ten days shy) the CENTENARY of what I like to […]

Damien on… Tales Of Big Chief Screaming Eagle

April 24, 2015

On the occasion of his eightieth birthday, Big Chief Screaming Eagle is being interviewed by a young reporter from the local newspaper. They are sitting by a tent on the edge of the reservation, smoking an unspecified substance. Suddenly the old Native American stiffens and stands, looking far into the distance. “The Thunderbird approaches,” he says. “You mean the legendary bird that presages […]

Damien on… “The Expendables 3”

April 7, 2015

The latest episode in this saga has had its critics; the old trick of making an actioner fit the PG13 mould – and concentrating on young actors (everyone wants to watch the sexagenarian guys still kicking ass and taking names) – plus its containing less humour than the previous two outings – did not endear it to critics or […]

Damien on… The TRUTH About Jeremy Clarkson’s “Fracas”

March 26, 2015

It is a sad indictment on modern British society that this storm in a teacup was ALLOWED to expand into the PR sh*tstorm it became – eventually toppling the monster that was Top Gear. And whose fault was it? Not Jeremy’s. He is just a big nob-head who had been doing Top Gear for too long – twenty-seven years. […]

Damien on… Harrison Ford’s Prang

March 7, 2015

I notice one of the spokesmen said he was the “solo” occupant of the plane. He should have said “sole” – but maybe he was trying to make a joke – which would have worked better if he had just said Harry was flying solo. He should leave the jokes to me – like, I […]

Damien on… Circumcision

March 2, 2015

Circumcision is the genital mutilation of helpless babies by evil and/or ignorant people. The reasons this barbaric act is permitted in our modern World are many. Let us examine them… First, the Jewish nation. According to legend, a bloke called Abe was chatting to God one day, when the Almighty asked him for a favour. […]

Damien on… “The Biggest TV Event Of The Year”

February 22, 2015

While TV companies have long used this phrase just to trumpet their latest blockbuster show – THIS time, it is no exaggeration. In Asia, the RTL/CBS network are currently using it to describe the “Watchathon” (their word – they mean marathon) of season three of “House Of Cards” next Saturday (the 28th of February, 2015). Because what this […]

Damien on… E-Cigs, Vaping And Hong Kong

February 7, 2015

Earlier in these columns, this writer has banged on a lot about the issues surrounding e-cigs and vaping. Chiefly the benefits to vapers; it’s LITERALLY a thousand times safer than sticking burning leaves in your gob and costs a TINY fraction of the amount – versus the problem for governments; economies which rely on extortionate (up to 1,000%) tax […]

Damien on… Bikes vs Trolleys/Trams

January 27, 2015

Now that TV production companies are streaming programmes DIRECT to “smart” TVs, networks are fighting back, by screening syndicated programmes “within 12/24 hours of UK/US transmission” – which means that out here in the Orient, we are now getting “Top Gear” COMPLETE and QUICKLY. And that resulted in my just having watched The Hamster go […]

Damien on… A Wikipedia Account

January 10, 2015

The following is cut from Wikipedia… “Midnight, 29 April 1945, Hitler married Eva Braun in a small civil ceremony in the Führerbunker. After a modest wedding breakfast with his new wife, he dictated his will. “Then Braun bit into a cyanide capsule and Hitler shot himself. “Their bodies were carried up the stairs and through […]

Damien on… Face-Sitting

January 4, 2015

While I was away, I see the British government took yet another of their giant steps BACKWARDS (they have been doing little else, since 1973) by coming down (so to speak) on PORN – including trying to ban “face-sitting”. I do not know who came up with this winner (they certainly need to get out more) but if I […]

Damien on… Near-Death Experiences

December 27, 2014

Oh, this is not about white-lit tunnels and suchlike (which is just an optical effect the brain creates when it is in crisis) – this is about something REAL that affects us ALL, every day. The thing is, as the below piece documents – death is always just a heartbeat away. Most of us will […]

Damien on… A Cautionary Tale

December 22, 2014

Did you miss me? The reason your humble scribe has posted nowt new for nearly TWO MONTHS is that he has been away. Doing what? Two months. But seriously folks, the reality is no joke… It all started about a year ago. Occasionally, when I turned over in bed, I noticed a TWINGE in the area of my […]

Damien on… “The Peace Process”

November 3, 2014

This term has been bandied about for DECADES – usually concerning the Arab-Israeli conflicts. But is it not a gigantic OXYMORON? (For those who ain’t good at English like what I am – that means a contradiction in terms). I mean, the definition of the word “process” is a course of action that changes one condition into […]

Damien on… Paul Pugh And The HMPO

October 17, 2014

Sounds like the name of a Seventies Pop combo, doesn’t it? Oh, if only it were… Britain used to be known as “Rip-off Britain” – but these days, it has a new monicker; BROKEN Britain. This is because nothing WORKS there anymore. The Police, the Post Office, the Passport Office (HMPO) – and that is just the […]

Damien on… Procrastination

October 11, 2014

Oh, I haven’t got time right now – I’ll write this tomorrow.

Damien on… E-cigs – The “Yellow Peril” Strikes Again?

October 3, 2014

First, let us be clear on one VERY important point; e-cigs are NOT a “smoking cessation” device. They are not promoted as such by any legitimate manufacturer or organisation. They are an ALTERNATE DELIVERY SYSTEM for nicotine. E-cigs first emerged half a century ago. But serious examples only came on-line a DECADE ago, largely thanks to developments […]

Damien on… A Simple Truism

September 27, 2014

In the six years (wow, really?) I have been writing these columns, I have touched several times on “-isms” – racism, sexism and others. But I believe all of these issues can be SUMMED UP quite simply – so here goes… The factors that go to make up a human fall into two distinct groups. Group One consists […]

Damien on… Obama – Six Years In – What Now?

September 9, 2014

These days, Obama has accepted that no matter how much he tries to appease his government, they will continue to shit all over him and block – or at least dissipate – his every move. His attempts at conciliation began even before he won office, during the debates with that little prat, McCain. And McCain’s reaction set the […]

Damien on… America: The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum

September 2, 2014

A while back, a swish New York shop called Barney’s hit the news when a black girl was roughed up by NYPD, after she had bought a handbag there, which cost two THOUSAND five hundred bucks. The incident was similar to an earlier one, where a young black man had bought a belt for $349. Apparently, […]

Damien on… Bimbos!

August 23, 2014

Charisma Carpenter is a now-middle-aged actress, mostly famous for PLAYING A SERIES of bimbos (for non-Americans; a bimbo is a woman without a brain in her head, who floats along on her looks). Of course, that NAME (Charisma – her actual given name – after an Avon perfume) might have HELPED. These days, she is still working – in bit parts. But perhaps […]

Damien on… A Tale Of The Eighties

August 14, 2014

Elsewhere in these columns, I have written of how the publishers’ copyright ID computer programmes brought an end to new musical compositions around 1980. But not only did this begin the descent of Pop, it also spelled the end for TV themes and jingles. And it is this last wot this piece is about. […]

Damien on… Luck

July 26, 2014

“Lucky” Larry Searle had never known what it felt like to be a “loser” – if he pulled a cracker, he would ALWAYS get the middle section. His friends – of whom he had many – never ceased to be amazed how everything ALWAYS seemed to go his way. Thus his career in Texan oil futures […]

Damien on… Love, American Style

July 14, 2014

This writer has mentioned before how Americans have changed the spellings, use and usage of as many words as they can, in order to try to convince themselves – if nobody else – that THEY invented the Language Of Shakespeare. But a bizarre new example of this silliness has impinged itself on this historian’s ear; they now SWAP […]

Damien on… UK TV Ads

July 7, 2014

Having escaped cold, wet, miserable Britain twelve years ago, I have not seen too many of their TV ads during that time. But those which I have caught have featured a trend which is DEEPLY annoying; a line of qualifiers, links and disclaimers – in a compressed font – running across the bottom of the picture. Now, given I have rarely […]

Damien on… Eric Cantona

June 21, 2014

This too is hardly topical – in fact the events I wish to consider happened almost twenty years ago. But after my Zen brother Corny recently wrote a piece on racism – – I was reminded of said event. If you are over thirty, you probably recall it too. Eric got into a ruck with another player […]

Damien on… Anthony Weiner

June 6, 2014

Okay, this is hardly TOPICAL – but I’ve been doing a SLOW BURN on this one. After a rocky political career, MARRIED Anthony Weiner “sexted” pictures of his gentleman-sausage to a number of women. The scandal broke, his wife stood beside him (why do they always DO that?) – and that SHOULD have been that. But […]

Damien on… The “Fabulous” Fifties

June 2, 2014

Ah, the Fifties. Life was SIMPLER then. You could jump on a bus at the traffic lights – and they ran FASTER, thanks to the driver not having to collect FARES at each stop. And you could smoke just about ANYWHERE – except libraries, museums, churches, art galleries and theatres (but no-one went THERE). Even […]

Damien on… Bob Newhart In Britain

May 18, 2014

In America, the career of Bob Newhart is well known. It began with two chart-topping albums: “The Button-Down Mind Of Bob Newhart” and “The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back” – then continued with more hit albums – his own show – Vegas headline runs – regular appearances on top shows (Carson, Dean Martin, Ed Sullivan, etc.) – then […]

Damien on… Photoshopping For Real

May 1, 2014

Take two guys: the first is Nigel Farage – the leader of UKIP (for the benefit of American readers: UKIP is like the Tea Party, but without the guns) and a “Man Of The People”… And the second is another Man Of The People – Jay Leno, former host of The Tonight Show… Now clearly, something […]

Damien on… “Doctor Who Live – The After-Party”

April 25, 2014

I rarely have time to read blogs – but searching for something on the above-named programme (which I only caught up with yesterday) I stumbled across the below piece, from “theresidentweeble”, here on THIS service… “Well, all the build-up was worth it, ‘The Day of the Doctor’, a fabulous episode to celebrate 50 years of […]

Damien on… Corruption

April 19, 2014

I just heard that Britain (the land of my birth) is rated number 17 on the list of the World’s LEAST Corrupt countries. So out of some 200-plus recognised nations, that means she is in pretty good shape, right? Or IS she? The thing is, casting aside the consideration that WELL-organised corruption goes undetected (and therefore logically […]

Damien on… The History Of Religion

April 8, 2014

When one is a child, all sustenance, caring and wisdom comes from one’s parents. Therefore, as a child, one’s parents are effectively GODS. But when one grows up, one quickly comes to realize they actually have feet of clay – which leaves one feeling rather alone. And thus it has been, ever since Man first gained the power of […]

Damien on… Vladimir Putin: Gay Or What?

March 23, 2014

It is now widely accepted that rabidly anti-gay men are mostly gay themselves – but being unable to come to terms with their sexuality, overcompensate by railing against those who have. So is Vladimir Putin a fruit? Let us examine the evidence… (1) His government has introduced anti-gay legislation (I wonder how THAT went down at […]

Damien on… Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

March 16, 2014

…which is (was?) in fact the above aeroplane. I think it is a given that somewhere in Bel Air, the first two acts of the forthcoming film, “The [TBA] Of Flight 370”, are being written as I type. And I further suspect that casting is already in progress. But whether or not the film actually gets […]

Damien on… “Divergent”

March 10, 2014

…which is another 80 million bucks-worth of SFX-movie, for kids. And provided it makes shedfulls of cash, the producers have promised it will spawn (that’s definitely the right word) SEQUELS. But what will they be called? Here are my suggestions… First sequel: “Trivergent” – second sequel: “Quadravergent” – etc. And if they do a “prequel” […]

Damien on… The Bullsh*t Awards

March 3, 2014

As I type this, the 2014 Oscars are in full flow (having PVRed it, I’ll skip through it later). And this represents the climax of the “awards season” – but there really should be another: The Bullsh*t Awards. These would be conferred upon those in Western Big Business who have created the biggest pile (of bullsh*t, […]

Damien on… “Ishtar”

February 21, 2014

You could be forgiven for believing Elaine May’s “Ishtar” was one of the five biggest financial disasters in Hollywood – the others being Michael Cimino’s “Heaven’s Gate”, “Waterworld” with Kevin Costner, “Gigli” with Ben Affleck and “The Bonfire Of The Vanities” with Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis and others. But you would be WRONG. These five films […]

Damien on… Clint Eastwood

February 9, 2014

A while back, the A-list star’s star slipped a bit – when he delivered a political speech to an empty chair. But in fairness, even HE laughs about it now. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. But the points he lost then have now been recovered – he just saved a guy’s LIFE, […]

Damien on… Americanisation

February 1, 2014

I love Americans – they are emotional, creative and good fun. But while I am happy to eat a McDonalds fishburger and chips, swilled down with Coke – and watch “Dexter”, “House”, “The Blacklist”, “Elementary”, “The Dome” (two of which star ENGLISH actors) and Jon Stewart, Dave Letterman et al on my TV – I still get pissed off how […]

Damien on… Lindsey Graham

January 31, 2014

As a Brit, I usually have little interest in US senators – particularly Republican ones. But the first time I saw Lindsey, I was fascinated. His parents – who ran a booze shop (US: liquor store) called “The Sanitary Cafe” (really?) and were called Millie and Florence James Graham (again, REALLY?) – gave him the […]

Damien on… Maybe I AM A “Belieber”

January 25, 2014

I just finished repairing the underneath of an old pair of trousers I use mostly for gardening and suchlike – and it occurred that while Justin Beiber might appear a total DILDO in the trousers HE wears (the ones that look like he took a massive DUMP in them) at least their crotches never need stitching… Once again, I […]

Damien on… One The Americans LOST

January 22, 2014

Elsewhere in these ramblings, I have ruminated on how America has attempted to RE-INVENT everything, to convince themselves (and any other gullible people) that it was THEY who invented language, dates, measures, standards, etc. You can find the piece HERE… But there is ONE thing they FELL DOWN on – “Alfa-Bravo-Charlie”. In 1927, the International […]

Damien on… TV Censorship In Thailand

January 12, 2014

…is erratic, inconsistent and HILARIOUSLY inept. Case in point: In Asia, RTL/CBS have been promoting “Under The Dome” for the past two months. Adapted from a Stephen King book and co-produced by Spielberg, this epic finally premiered a few nights ago – and looks pretty good. But I am sure I was not alone in noticing something was […]

Damien on… The Problem With Jehovah’s Witnesses

December 22, 2013

…is they missed a trick. We’ve all seen them – two guys dressed in cheap plain black suits, with plain black ties and plain white shirts. They knock on a door and when it opens, usually one of three things happens: if the occupant has them, he sets the dogs on them – or he […]

Damien on… How To Avoid Being Ripped Off By Government And Big Business

December 21, 2013

…which is probably the longest title in these columns. But it IS possible. Oh sure, many of the rip-offs are unavoidable, without breaking the law – and prison beckons those who do not appreciate this. However, for those in the know, there are alternatives – and what is life without alternatives, eh? So let us […]

Damien on… The Death Of Popular Music Composition

December 15, 2013

…which started in November 1970 and became complete around a decade ago. Its demise began when George Harrison released “My Sweet Lord” and an ailing music publisher who owned the rights to “He’s So Fine” SUED him for PLAGIARISM. In fact, George’s composition had been inspired by his friend Edwin Hawkins’ “Oh Happy Day” – which in turn was based on an C18th hymn […]

Damien on… Lucky Numbers

December 13, 2013

Yesterday was 12/12 – so at 12:12, I put $12 on horse number 12, in the 12th race. It came in 12th.

Damien on… Stories Of Our Time

December 3, 2013

In late 1920s Mississippi, a man called Billy-Bob McWhirter got a Great Idea. He took his canoe out into the Okefenokee Swamp and returned with a hundred alligator eggs. These he placed in tanks with powerful lightbulbs overhead and in due course, found himself with a lot of little alligators. He then packed them into cases and […]