The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… The TRUTH About Jeremy Clarkson’s “Fracas”

It is a sad indictment on modern British society that this storm in a teacup was ALLOWED to expand into the PR sh*tstorm it became – eventually toppling the monster that was Top Gear.

And whose fault was it? Not Jeremy’s. He is just a big nob-head who had been doing Top Gear for too long – twenty-seven years. Even cops and soldiers are allowed to retire after twenty-five.

In any case, one could see his point. If you were a highly-paid celebrity with twenty-seven years seniority and you had been out filming all day, then returned to the hotel, miles from anywhere, to find you had no DINNER – and an oik with just SIX years under his belt failed to move Heaven and Earth to obtain you some – YOU would be pissed off too.

LITERALLY tired and emotional.

No, the fault lies with the MONUMENTAL IDIOT who permitted this handbags to grow into a gargantuan issue – instead of SQUASHING it at birth.

Celebrities have always behaved badly. They vibrate at a different frequency from us mortals.

The secret has been to COVER UP their indiscretions. A science which today, appears to have been LOST.

This latest fiasco SHOULD have been handled thusly; Clarkson and junior producer should have been led into the responsible BBC exec’s office, where said exec should have rounded on them with, “Are you chaps nuts? This is a f***ing disaster. Top Gear is one of our biggest money-spinners ever – half our foreign income depends on it. If this thing gets out, we’re ALL f***ed. Now this is what’s going to happen.

“Number one – this never occurred. If either of you are asked about it, deny, deny, deny.

“Number two – in the old days, I’d have given you both ten minutes in the BBC car park to sort it out the old fashioned way. However, in this case, I can see that would be unwise; to paraphrase the words of Sir Michael Caine, You’re a big man Clarkson, but you’re outa shape – Raisin would spifflicate you.”

“Oisin, sir.”

“Whatever – look, what exactly do you WANT out of this?”

“Well…”

“Okay, how about a million quid for your favourite charity?”

“Oh, well…”

“Done – Jeremy, get your cheque book out.”

And that would have been that. Following a quick transfer of the producer (with a guarantee his career would not suffer over the affair) the latest season of Top Gear would have been completed, ending (“on that bombshell”) with the announcement of Clarkson’s retirement from the show, stating longitude of service as the reason.

Then, if Yogi, Captain Slow and the Hamster had been amenable (all three of their contracts were/are due to come up for renewal in a few months) Top Gear could have continued, with a new leader.

Finally, if Jeremy had been amenable, there would have been an attempt to REBOOT him (in a “safer” format) as soon as possible (after all, he made a pretty good fist of a chat-show about fifteen years ago) before Digger could grab him.

And provided Clarkson’s replacement on Top Gear had not been a total disaster (like Stephen Fry or Steve Coogan – who would never do it anyway) then that programme and the new vehicle for Jeremy (did you see what I did there?) could between them have made even more money than just Top Gear was making, before – as Clarkson remarked earlier – the BBC f***ed it up.

But now, none of that can happen. Auntie’s PC dimwits DID f*** it up. And Digger probably WILL now step in and grab him.

Unless of course, Jeremy wants a BREAK – after all, he hardly needs the money. However, him being only 54, I suspect he will be back on our TV screens sooner rather than later. Let us just hope that THIS time – he is “handled” better.

So what IS the TRUTH regarding this affair?

Well, it is a fact all other writers appear to have totally OVERLOOKED; simply that you, my reader – and I, your humble scribe – SHOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN ABOUT IT.

By all that is holy, it should have been TOTALLY SUPPRESSED.

After all, this was not a serious assault, sexual creepiness, fraud or corruption (and plenty of THAT goes unreported). It was just a barney between two grown men.

And for it to have been first permitted to jeopardise, then ultimately TORPEDO a multi-million-pound TV show, with the loss of hundreds of jobs – and further, create DEEP holes in the finances of a major public corporation – is utterly FARCICAL.

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