The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… Bikes vs Trolleys/Trams

Now that TV production companies are streaming programmes DIRECT to “smart” TVs, networks are fighting back, by screening syndicated programmes “within 12/24 hours of UK/US transmission” – which means that out here in the Orient, we are now getting “Top Gear” COMPLETE and QUICKLY.

And that resulted in my just having watched The Hamster go arse over tip in Russia – from the onboard cameras on his nine grand, seventeen ounce pushbike – a couple of hours ago, instead of some time next year. I have not laughed that much in a LONG time.

If you did not see it, try YouTube – someone MUST have posted it.

Furthermore, I’ll bet a number of people now have his moans of pain, as he removed himself and his busted bike from the mean streets of St Pete’s, as their new RINGTONE (after the team’s recent problems in Argentina, I’m guessing Auntie figured her errant nephews would have a harder time pissing off the Ruskies) although taken out of context, those moans COULD sound like he was being SHAGGED.

Either way, the simple truth is that Hammond failed to cross the tracks with due care – and paid a heavy price.

Of course, it might not have been entirely his fault. While most mainland European cities retain their trollies and trams, Britain got rid of all hers DECADES ago (except for Blackpool’s – but they are an integral part of the famous illuminations).

Thus he had probably never encountered train tracks on the road (in Amsterdam, straight across the PAVEMENTS) before.

However, this writer has. Even before he drove around most of Europe, he recalls how his hometown of Ipswich has (or at least, HAD) a number of goods-train tracks in its docklands area.

Approaching them on two wheels, the secret is to veer away at the last split-second – then swing back ACROSS them, as close to ninety degrees as possible (remembering the rear wheel will cut closer).

By so doing, you can avoid the pains The Hamster suffered – but deny others a HUGE LAUGH!


2 Responses to “Damien on… Bikes vs Trolleys/Trams”

  1. York had ripped up its tram tracks by about 1938, two years before I was born. My Dad told me this, and he mentioned the same technique of safely negotiating them that you describe here. Your “veer away at the last split-second – then swing back ACROSS them, as close to ninety degrees as possible” is very well put indeed. I have never had the opportunity of trying my skill at it.

    Good old technological progress in this cyber age! So you can watch stuff via smart phones live or nearly so. And sloppy networks are being forced to get their backside in gear at last “within 12/24 hours of UK/US transmission”. I am all for self-inflated egos, whether monopoly Beeb or just as bad dug-in commercial operators, getting a kick up it and made to shift it. I might get TV again when I am 75 (no BBC licence required) in September this year.

  2. Yes, when I drove around Europe, the one thing I kept discovering was how almost ALL major cities over there have trams/trolleys. Britain seems to have been the only country that REJECTED them. London even had special underpasses for them (like Holborn).

    When I were a lad, Ipswich had trollies – but of the tyred, not tracked, variety (electric driven, with power obtained from overhead wires – thus you had to stick to the route!) However, motor buses started replacing them around 1952 (the year of my birth) and was completed after about five years – thus paralleling London.

    I actually have a picture of a PAINTING someone did of one of Ipswich’s trollies – I cannot put it here, but I’ll send it to you as an e-mail attachment.

    However, while I did not have to contend with tram tracks while cycling in my youth – the docks had tracks for goods trains that were much the same. So after a few wobbles, I devised the above method for getting along with them.

    Re the TV companies having been FORCED to provide a better (but I s’pose, ultimately more expensive) service – it’s like they say; when you got ’em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow!

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