The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… Pippa Middleton’s Arse

Small things can change history – even CLOTHES – and when that occurs, the wearers are often TOTALLY unaware of how it happened.

For example, when Agnetha Fältskog chose her wardrobe for her appearance with Abba in that 1974 Eurovision Song Contest, she could not have DREAMED the reaction that the combination of her satin outfit and kidney-bean figure would stimulate (and I use the word “stimulate” advisedly).

wp Agnetha Faltskog

The next day, all over Britain, millions of men were murmuring to each other, “‘Ere, did you see that blonde bird on Eurovision last night? Cor, I would…” – and I have no doubt the same conversation was being repeated all over Europe (in other languages, of course).

Then again, Aggie’s body only STARTED Abba’s career – the fact that Sweden’s most successful export (bigger than Volvo) contained one of the top ten songwriting duos of all time was still necessary to PERPETUATE it.

A few years later, the Nolans repeated the trick. An ever-varying number of colleens in disco pants, they got men murmuring AGAIN (although few of them wanted to HEAR the girls).

wp Nolans-001

Next came Davina McCall. In her case, her killer body meant that mere JEANS were enough to ensure that millions of blokes suddenly took an interest in “Big Brother” – a TV programme they otherwise would not have watched if you had PAID them.

wp Davina McCall-001

And then there were the gold lamé hot pants that relaunched Kylie’s career. They were allegedly purchased by Kylie’s dresser in a charity shop, for fifty Australian cents. The return on THOSE (filled with the still-trim Kylie) could not have been more – if said garment had been made of ACTUAL gold.

wp Kylie Minogue

Are you beginning to see a pattern here?

The latest example of this phenomenon is our titular lady – one Pippa Middleton.

Her sister Kate was set to marry the next (or possibly, the one after) King of England, in Westminster Abbey.

Now naturally, an event such as this was planned down to the finest detail. And even though the TV coverage was LIVE, the vision mixer would have had the whole thing story-boarded out.

However, something happened that NO-ONE could have foreseen.

Not wishing to be seen as trying to out-Diana Diana – who on HER Big Day sported a dress that resembled something out of a Disney production – Kate’s wedding dress was a relatively modest affair.

And so, not wishing to outdo her sister, Pippa had gone with an even SIMPLER number – a plain white satin (AGAIN, satin) sheath, with no bells or whistles.

But On The Day…

The camera set-ups at the Abbey had been straightforward – inside and outside were fully covered.

But no-one had considered the GAP between the two.

You see, while the Great West Door leads straight into the Nave – the walls of this Gothic monstrosity are several feet thick.

And it was in THIS place that it was decided the Princess-to-be would be introduced to the clergy. Thus the procession was halted for SOME TIME – before she was allowed to progress to the point inside, where the cameras could get the shot of her entrance (so to speak).

Therefore, whilst all this was happening, the TV feed maintained the outside view – which showed Pippa standing behind Kate, who was now obscured by the archway.

Unfortunately for Pippa no-one was obscuring the REAR-view of HER.

Thus for several seconds, the WORLDWIDE audience had nothing to look at but her BOTTOM – encased by the afore-mentioned plain white satin sheath, BLAZING in the sun.

wp Pippa

Which lead to history repeating itself the next day – but this time on a GLOBAL, rather than just European, scale. “Did you see the royal wedding?” “Yeah – what about that bird…”

Which is why (at the time of typing) if you Google “Pippa Middleton’s Ass” you will get over one million, eight hundred and sixty thousand search results.

Even “[same]…Arse” will glean more than a hundred and seventy thousand (so no-one is likely to read THIS piece).

And all of that just goes to show that In Life, you can do what the hell you LIKE to try to avoid the perfidy of fate – but it is the little things that will get you, every time.

So if you are going on TV and have a nice arse – wear a BARREL.

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2 Responses to “Damien on… Pippa Middleton’s Arse”

  1. I loved the Nolan Sisters and their records. I never understood why people had, and still have, a down on them. I think it must be jealousy. As for physical attractiveness, one or two of them were sensational.

    I never understood why wedding dresses have to have those extremely silly long trains. I can only figure it is part of the misogynistic “let’s make the ladies weak and helpless and unable to run” deal.

  2. I loved WATCHING them – those disco pants! But I could not understand anyone buying their RECORDS…


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