The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… “Alcatraz” – The Gold Brick: Another Movie Silly

My smarter brother, Morpheus has written about a number of Movie Sillies in a piece called –  http://morpheusatloppers.wordpress.com/2009/05/10/morpheus-on-tv-remotes-on-tv/

In it, he rambles on about dart guns that can apparently knock a man down in two seconds – safes that can be opened in a few seconds more, by anyone with a stethoscope – and various other absurdities.

But I saw one last night that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. It was at the end of episode eight of “Alcatraz” (“The Ames Bros”) – a series which was CANCELLED after episode thirteen.

The moment occurred when jug-eared Warden Edwin James (played by jug-eared actor, Jonny Coyne) went down to his vault and swept a tarpaulin to one side to reveal a stash of thirty-six gold bricks. He then proceeded to ONE-HANDEDLY pick a brick off the top and hold it for several seconds, while gazing upon it lovingly and gently blowing the dust off.

And he did this without a HINT of STRAIN!

Which demonstrated to anyone who knows ANYTHING about gold that the props department who made the bricks, the director of the piece (Nick Copus) and Jonny himself – did NOT.

This precious metal has a number of unique properties – one of which is its WEIGHT. Or, as Auric Goldfinger describes it, “…its divine heaviness”.

Gold bricks come in various sizes, for different applications. The most common kind are like those featured in “Goldfinger” – properly called gold bars. But the ones shown in this episode of “Alcatraz” were clearly INGOTS, which are generally larger.

And these particular ingots were MUCH larger – at a conservative estimate, at least THREE TIMES larger.

Which, given that a standard gold bar weighs in at over twenty-seven pounds (to put that into perspective: a full-weight ten-pin bowling ball is only sixteen pounds) means that had the ingot the Warden was calmly holding in his hand been REAL gold – it would have weighed over EIGHTY POUNDS.

My WIFE weighs that much!

Silly.

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2 Responses to “Damien on… “Alcatraz” – The Gold Brick: Another Movie Silly”

  1. YOU spot these things! Most of the audience are like ME: gently dreaming away, happy as a sand boy, or girl, as the moths flutter around inside our skull. But thanks, anyway. This was in a movie was it? Alkatraz you say? We had a cafe called that on Horseshoe Common. Before that, it was called Ipanema. I forget what it is called now…

  2. No – in this case, Alcatraz was a short-lived TV series, from the same stable as “Fringe” – another fantastic (as in fantasy) TV series.

    Funnily enough, they got it pretty much RIGHT in “Goldfinger” – except the interior of Fort Knox itself – which NO-ONE (not even POTUS) is/was allowed to see into. Thus the set designer created something that he described as a “cathedral for gold” for Bond to fight Oddjob in. It was an ENORMOUS set – whereas the reality is/was probably far more mundane!

    But then again, we don’t WANT boring REALITY in movies – however, we do need SOME credibility – and that actor calmly tossing an EIGHTY POUND gold brick around was just TOO silly!


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