Damien on… Healthy Living
Adam was heading for the gym when it happened. Having risen at his usual 05:00, he had popped down his vitamin pills, run downstairs and breakfasted on dry toast and wheat germ biscuits, washed down with his customary grapefruit juice.
And now, as the morning sun began dragging itself over the horizon, he was jogging to The Body Shop, to give himself a workout, before heading home to change for work.
Except for Adam, it was hardly work – he was a hod-carrier for a local building firm. The money was mediocre, but the job gave him the chance to keep his finely honed physique in prime condition.
Not that he needed that body to attract girls – Adam rarely looked at a girl. He was aware of just how many STDs could be picked up, when engaging in casual sex.
And so he was saving himself, for that SPECIAL girl. However, he knew that he must soon begin to seek her out. His greying hair told its own story – the time was fast approaching.
But what he did not know was on that particular morning – so was a TRUCK.
And as he hopped off the pavement opposite the gym – it HIT him, mashing his perfect body into pulp.
Although to Adam, the impact took FAR longer to experience that he could ever have imagined. He had heard that when one’s death is imminent, one’s entire life flashes before one’s eyes. And now he realised it was true.
As his head turned and he saw the truck bearing down on him, he knew he had NO time to avoid its path. And so his life began to unreel before his very eyes.
He saw the girls he had turned down – and tried to imagine what it would have been like to have gorged himself on their firm, young flesh.
He saw the steaks, bacon, chips and other delicious-smelling food he had always denied himself.
He tried to imagine what it must be like to enjoy a fine cigar. Drink a single-malt scotch. And just SLEEP – for more than his customary six hours.
And as the massive vehicle struck him and he felt his human frame succumb to its unyielding steel – he realised he was a monumental BERK.