The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… “Penny In The Jar”

penny jar

There are many variations on this, but the FULL, CORRECT legend goes: “If you put a penny in a jar every time you make love during the first THREE YEARS of a sexual relationship – then REMOVE one every time, AFTER that point – no matter HOW long the relationship lasts, the jar will NEVER empty.”

And in this writer’s experience, this is certainly true of his latest (and hopefully, last) relationship.

Said relationship is now in its eleventh year. At the end of the first three years, the sum in the jar would have reached around £15.65 and another five years down the line, it would have reduced by £12.53 (to save you doing the maths – that’s 2,818 times) leaving £3.12 in the (theoretical) jar.

Thus another 312 times would have dispelled the legend – at least for THIS historian.

However, this is where it gets tricky. You see, this chronicler has slowed DOWN a lot, during the last couple of years.

The thing is, he had quite a high old time of it, during his long life. His current wife (number three and last) was not his first relationship. In fact, she was not even his hundred-and-first. Before her, (literally) came around one hundred and FIVE ladies – varying from ecstatic one-night-stand couplings, through week- month- year- and several year-long relationships – and two earlier wives.

And he has no IDEA how many bonks THEY represent.

Plus he was nearly forty-nine when his current relationship began. Thus many would say that since the 2,818 bonks he subjected his current wife to, in just eight years, would statistically be enjoyed over a THIRTY-YEAR period – he should be happy with that.

But even though he is now almost sixty and largely BURNED OUT – he is not done quite yet. Those last 310 bonks – and a dispellation (yet another of his made-up words) of that LEGEND – beckon.

Therefore, given he (on paper, at least) has another twenty years In This Place – he intends to crack on regardless.

Now where did he put that sildenafil citrate…?


There is actually a very different piece that could have been written here. Except that the question of how long a sexual relationship LASTS is one which even the mighty Interweb cannot answer.

Try Google – all you will get is how long the ACT lasts.

This author loves his wife and still finds her sexually attractive. But there comes a point where, after 2,820 bonks – it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep the arousal going. Plus, at nearly sixty…

It seems like those who were less FREQUENT than we were may still bonk after DECADES of marriage. While others phase sex out, but still remain (like us) warm and cuddly towards each other.

Of course, there are thousands of books which recommend couples who are similarly depleted to begin indulging in practices designed to “spice up” their relationship. Clothes, toys, doing it in risky places – even involving other people.

Trouble is, none of these techniques work for any length of time – and some can be DISASTROUS!

Overall, this problem seems to be The Great Lie. Something many people have personal experience of – but no-one wants to TALK about. Even on the Interweb.

Perhaps this piece will stimulate discussion. Or perhaps not…


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