The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… "I Would Like To Thank The Academy…"

Hey, ho – it’s award season again. Of course, they’re utter bullshit – everyone knows awards are big business and only really a popularity contest for luvvies. Indeed, members of The Academy who are WORKING often give the forms to their DRIVERS to fill in.

And only “worthy” films get nominated – thus when Sean Connery made “Goldfinger” he got NOTHING. But when he played an Irish cop (who, naturally, spoke with an Edinburgh accent) in a straight film – he walked off with Best Supporting Actor.

Would he have even been nominated, had it not been for all those Bonds? Likewise, would Woody have collected for “Annie Hall” had he not made all those great genre spoofs before? Do me a favour – it’s called “Body Of Work”.

During this year’s Globes, Ricky Gervais put the whole thing into perspective. And this writer would LOVE to see more people taking his lead.

If YOU get a nod this year, when they read out the names in your category – sit there with a fixed grin, clutching a drink. But make sure the glass is a “sugar” one – then if they give the award to some other bugger – RETAIN your cheesy grin and SQUEEZE the glass, so it SHATTERS.

Or, as the names are being read out – look confident and take out a piece of A4 (your acceptance speech) and unwrap it. Then, if the name in The Envelope isn’t yours – THROW the piece of paper up in the air and look grumpy.

Thus when they do the montage shot – at least you’ll get a LAUGH.

In the unlikely event THIS reporter ever gets an award, he will take a leaf out of the John Cleese book of How To Accept An Award. For example…


2 Responses to “Damien on… "I Would Like To Thank The Academy…"”

  1. Dear old Damien! You don’t need something to have happened in order to get a laugh out of it. You even see the funny side of something you IMAGINE has happened. All we need is for reality to get a move on and catch up! But do you think the luvvies would get the gentle humour…? Or would they feel they were being mocked…? Where is the line betwixt the two? Dashed if I know… I think I will leave it to you, sir. You seem to have an instinct for interpreting the industry’s oddities. I am left with a vivid picture in my mind. In time, I will no doubt swear I actually saw it happen, on E! Entertainment channel…

  2. I think it’s a mixture. Many luvvies take themselves TOO seriously – but others fall about when comedians prick their pomposity. Ricky was interviewed by Piers Morgan on CNN and he said the problem with an awards show room is that they are there for career-boosting AWARDS. Thus when the evening starts, everyone is on tenterhooks – then by the end, a quarter of the room has won awards and thus are ready to laugh at anything – while THREE-quarters LOST – and are too pissed-off to laugh at ALL!

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