The World According To Damien
in a World gone mad – one sane voice emerges…

Damien on… Dumb Criminals

Like Jay Leno, I love stories about dumb criminals. My favourite one concerns a suspect brought in for questioning. Now, lie-detectors are about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest – but confessions are almost impossible to wriggle out of.

So the cops sat him in a chair and strapped a metal colander to his head (one of those things you use to drain boiled vegetables). The colander had a wire running from it, to the office COPIER. And in the copier was a piece of paper which had “he’s lying” printed on it.

Then every time the suspect answered a question, the officer solemnly pressed the button on the machine and it spewed out a copy of the piece of paper – “he’s lying”. The perp eventually broke down and confessed!

I like to think that later, a fellow-prisoner would be talking to him, then pause, hold a paper cup to his ear and tell the guy, “Hold on, I’ve got a call coming in.” HAH-HAARRR!

When I first heard this story, I laughed louder than I did when I heard about the guy who kept a sheep tethered on his roof, prior to using it for ritual slaughter. He turned his back on it and it butted him off the roof! HAH-HAARRR AGAIN!!!

You can’t make this stuff up.


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