The very WORD is an anathema to the members of the GOP.

Their sworn duty is to squeeze every cent they can from the POOR and give it to the obscenely RICH – which flies in the face of Democracy, given the MAJORITY of people ARE poor.

So, since in America the voting system ensures ONE vote for EACH person, regardless of sex, colour or income – how does such a party EVER manage to attain power?

The fault, ironically, lies with the voting system – which is DEMOCRATIC.

This gives the Power To The People – but unfortunately, the people are idiots.

The story is the same on both sides of The Pond. There are just TWO political parties (in Britain, the parties have managed to exclude any others by spending the last ninety years redrawing boundaries to favour themselves – thus two attempts at establishing a viable alternative party have fallen in the paddock).

In theory, one is left-wing, the other right. But during the last thirty years, Britain has adopted the AMERICAN system, where one is centre-right and the other, EXTREME right.

Socialism is now a dirty word in Britain – as Liberalism is, in the States.

Thus the choice is between a bunch of moderate morons who continually screw up – and a bunch of ignorant, sleazy, money-grabbing MFs who APPEAR to know what they are doing. But as the last three years have demonstrated – they DON’T.

So how DO the extreme right manage to get elected in the FIRST place? Well, after any long period in power, the centre-right can be guaranteed to make a dog’s breakfast of things – it’s what they DO.

At which point, along comes the extreme right party – and they promise that THIS time, they will NOT screw the poor and favour the rich. This time, things will be DIFFERENT.

And like the battered housewife whose husband promises the same thing – the battered public decide they will give them one last chance. This gives the extreme right another five years (four, in America) to asset-strip the country and further reduce public services.

After which, the public get fed up with their lords and masters taking the PISS – and vote the centre-right back in again.

This observer has witnessed this cycle all his life – but now, there is a difference. The extreme right has gone TOO FAR.

Where before, they managed to balance the books – albeit at the cost of jobs, services and the PLANET – they have monumentally FAILED at even managing THAT.

Enter, in America, the “alternatives” – the Tea Party and the “Occupy” Movement.

The problem is neither is VIABLE. The Tea Party is just another bunch of right-wing arseholes – but with the added bonus that they are completely CLUELESS – and the Occupiers are well-intentioned but unfocused.

Both lack leadership and direction. They know their country is f**ked up – but have no plan for how to unf**k it.

Britain is currently ruled by Pinky and Perky. An uneasy coalition of the afore-mentioned alternative party (who are now a spent force) and the latest edition of the extreme right. But at least Pinky – David Cameron – has POWER.

His opposite number, Stateside, has NONE. Obama cannot even SMOKE in his own OFFICE.

He is a nice guy (not a useful quality, for any POTUS) and has bent over backwards to appease the extreme right. He began using this ploy before he even gained office, in his debates with McCain. And McCain SHOWED him how ineffective it would be against the extreme right – even back then.

But Obama’s message was HOPE – and thus he continued to use the same technique once in government. And it has gotten him – and his country – NOWHERE.

The GOP are all about STIFLING hope – if it means the hopes and aspirations of the masses. Their only interest lies with the RICH.

So what can a poor boy DO?

Well – in France, in the last decade of the eighteenth century, they had the right idea. It involved tumbrils and guillotines.

However, the rich and powerful are far too clever to allow this radical, but simple solution to emerge. We live in an age where groups of ANY size are infiltrated – including their electronic communications – by the minions of the aforementioned lords and masters.

Which leaves us – nowhere.

Oh sure, we can make our voices heard. That is one of the quoted advantages of living in a Democracy – but it is ACTUALLY a DISADVANTAGE.

As the Arab Spring demonstrated – in countries where free speech is stifled, its people have to be CLEVER. If they want to effect change and get out from under government repression and corruption, they need to organise QUIETLY.

Of course, the electronic SOCIAL NETWORKS took those primitive governments by surprise. But Western governments are more savvy. Their spies are deeply entrenched in the new media.

Thus, people wishing to effect a WESTERN Spring will need to be even MORE clever.

Lotsa luck, guys…

Hope that makes things clear.

In America, TV movies - A.K.A. “made-for-television movies” – first began appearing in the Sixties. Television had advanced to colour (color) and its budgets were getting bigger.

However, they still were not THAT big – a famous actor once said the difference between acting in TV movies and theatrical ones became apparent when he needed guidance on how to play a scene and went to the director and asked, “How do you want it?”

If the director gave him instructions on the subtleties and style of the performance he required – it was a theatrical movie.

Whereas if he screamed, “NOW – the next set-up is waiting!” – it was a TV movie.

But in the Seventies, things changed. Whilst stand-alone TV movies still appeared – most were really PILOTS.

Every year, several dozen TV movies would emerge and for most of the audiences, that was that. But Behind The Scenes, statistics would be obtained from ratings companies and forms would be filled in by demographically-selected viewers and the next season, a number of SERIES would burst forth – based on those TV movies.

The forms they took varied, though. Some would feature the same actors, characters and situations as the TV movie had – others would feature major CHANGES – while a few might only retain the basic PREMISE of the original.

These were down to the REACTION the TV movies had received.

I recall one series that had retained all of the actors, characters and situations from its pilot – but where the pilot had been a PERIOD piece, the resulting series became CONTEMPORARY. One suspects that while audiences had liked the premise, they had had trouble identifying with the period.

Or possibly, the network chief had decided the period aspect was unnecessary – and had pointed out the COSTS of period filming.

Anyhoo, the pilot system worked well – so given the current drop in TV audience figures (thanks largely to THIS medium) and today’s DIRE financial climate, it is highly surprising the networks decided to DUMP it.

These days, series get green-lighted WITHOUT recourse to floating a pilot. Of course, they only get six episodes – then they wait for the ratings on the first three. If the numbers are favourable (favorable) the network orders seven more.

Sometimes a series TAKES OFF and they order another eighteen, to take the number to a full season. While at other times, they wait for the thirteen to finish and if they like the numbers – they order a full season NEXT year.

But this is MURDER on production companies, who are left on continuous TENTERHOOKS.

Given that today, theatrical movies are almost exclusively no-brain, FX-laden, PG-13 blockbuster remakes, sequels, prequels and video-game spinoffs aimed at KIDS – and as a result, most of the creative talent has drifted over to television and who can blame them – it is hard to understand why this manic system has supplanted the tried-and-tested tradition of PILOTS.

I mean, even SIX series episodes represent FOUR HOURS of screen time. Whereas the humble pilot runs a mere sixty-two – or at most eighty-three MINUTES – thus costing a FRACTION of the amount.

The result of this madness is that GOOD series appear, then get re-scheduled and often CANCELLED at a rate that leaves viewers’ heads spinning. And all of this at a time when they are abandoning TV in their millions to go surf THIS media.

TV executives need to RETHINK things – and one good idea would be to REVIVE the PILOT.

[In the unlikely event a TV exec actually comes across this piece: please - take a Valium, sit down and leave a comment. Tell us WHY your industry STOPPED making pilots.]

Being that far north, the winters are long, dark and cold. So the Scotch have little to do and amuse themselves by inventing nick-nacks.

One of their inventions was a drink, which they unimaginatively named after themselves. A leading brand is Glenmiller.

The liquid gives the Scotch the DTs – thus many think they see monsters, like the Lock Ness Monster.

Every Saturday night, they go on a pilgrimage to the Glasgay Empire, where they throw things at English comics.

They are an aggressive people, as is evidenced by the celebrities who hail from there – like Jerry Sadowitz and Susan Boyle’s son, Frankie.

But luckily, they do not live very long, thanks to their diet of fried Mars Bars and haggis and chips.

[Of course, Sarah Palin would probably BELIEVE this crap!]

I say this not to gloat, it’s actually a REAL PROBLEM – because oop north, in Chiang Mai (which is 500 miles away – like comparing Edinburgh with Bournemouth) it is SERIOUSLY COLD right now. Official disaster area, blankets needed, etc.

Thing is, this country is about as prepared for INDOOR and HEATER weather – as Britain is for SNOW. Both happen – but when they do, the people in both countries are EQUALLY dozy.

I hear Perky is finally trying to grow a pair and says he DISAGREES (ooh, there’ll be tears before bedtime) with Pinky over (belatedly) seeking to distance Britain from Europe.

The current fiasco started DECADES ago, when – after The Wall came down – the West started POURING money into the Eastern industries. Of course, they called it INVESTMENT. Then they began stretching the eastern European border until it nearly reached the STANS.

And now those turkeys have come home to roost (if I may mix metaphors – it’s my column, I’ll do what I want). Trouble is, my INCOME has to be paid in POUNDS – so Pinky had better be RIGHT.

The Tories have always been a bunch of sleazy, greedy smugbastards – conning the proles into voting for them, then making them bend over and spread their legs – but at least the c***s managed to BALANCE THE BOOKS.

One hopes Pinky will carry ON that tradition.

Of course, he need not worry what Perky thinks – THAT guy’s gonads are about as big as those on the citizens of Chiang Mai right now…

And it was during this period that Joe Meek entered adulthood. In addition to being gay, Joe was paranoid, OCD, schizophrenic and manic-depressive. He was also into spiritualism and the paranormal.

He was destined for a hard life.

However, he did have some redeeming qualities: whilst having little musical talent himself, he had a natural flair for enhancing the sounds of those who did.

This he achieved by developing a number of Heath Robinson acoustic techniques and various crude electronic devices that took the recording business by storm.

But he had a lot of difficulties to overcome, in order to do so.

The first was the fact the post-war British popular music scene was utterly dominated by four large companies – EMI, Decca, Philips and Pye. Fifties Pop music was essentially a closed shop.

For a while, Joe tried to work within this system, as a recording engineer. He mixed, among many others, hits such as Frankie Vaughan’s “Green Door” for Philips, Lonnie Donegan’s “Don’t You Rock Me Daddy-O” for Pye and Humphrey Lyttelton’s ”Bad Penny Blues” for Parlophone (EMI).

This reaction he got to the last of these efforts was typical of the repression he encountered during those years. By over-recording the brushes and bass, and modulating the piano, Joe turned a Trad Jazz number into something the youth of the day could relate to. But Humph was FURIOUS (although his fury cooled somewhat when the record hit the POP charts).

In 1959, he created a stereophonic New Age concept album, featuring electronic sounds, called “I Hear A New World” – but it was only partially released. New Age? Concept album? Electronic music? In 1959? Precisely. It was WAY ahead of its time.

Of course, if Joe had been born in America – instead of England’s West Country – he could have started his own independent label and been as successful as Phil Spector. But the hidebound attitudes of Fifties and early Sixties Britain throttled the life out of the man.

Nevertheless, he plugged away – recording tracks at his Holloway Road “studio” and releasing them, one at a time, on any label that would take them. The only clue to his having produced them was the legend – “An RGM Sound Recording” – somewhere on each label.

304, Holloway Road, London.

The three floors above a leather goods shop at that address formed Joe’s “studio” – the premises was, and still is, a terraced HOUSE.

The stairwells were covered in cables and the individual rooms served as recording booths – with one set aside for the mixing desk. How Joe was able to prevent traffic noise from the busy road outside ruining his recordings is still a mystery, but at least SEPARATION was not a problem.

However, conflict with neighbours – particularly his long-suffering landlady downstairs – WAS. She would bang the ceiling with a broom handle, while Joe’s response was to place speakers on the floor to INCREASE the noise he was making.

According to visiting artists, the landlady – Violet Shenton – was a sweetheart. But Joe hated her with a passion. And their relationship would not end well.

The first hit to emerge from Holloway Road was John Leyton’s “Johnny Remember Me” – written by Geoff Goddard (of whom, more later). It featured a booming vocal by John, eerie calls from an uncredited Lissa Gray and was released on Top Rank’s short-lived record label.

Its success was due in no small part to it and John Leyton being featured in a then-popular TV series called “Harpers, West One” – a soap, set in a department store.

But this was eclipsed by Joe’s next – and biggest – hit. “Telstar”.

Joe’s interest in the paranormal extended to all things extra-terrestrial – and when Telstar was launched, as the World’s first communications satellite, Joe was fascinated.

All of his life he had been interested in electronics (it is said that he built the first working TV set in his town) and his ingenuity with the science was certainly a major factor in the extraordinary records he created.

He even tried recording the dead in graveyards and a recording exists of a cat Joe found there – that he claimed spoke in tongues (although to THIS chronicler, it mostly sounds like “miaou”).

Anyhoo, Telstar inspired Joe to create his masterpiece.

“Telstar”

So many stories surround this epic that today, it is hard to separate fact from fiction – but this scribbler will try…

It seems Joe merely supplied the MELODY for Telstar. The arrangement, Clem Cattini’s brushes on the snare-drum, the key-change in the middle, etc. – ALL came from the Tornados. But Joe doubtless also supplied the sound-effects that frame the number.

Central to the piece is a Clavioline. Originally invented in 1947 as an add-on for pianos, it had first hit the Pop charts in 1953, on Frank Chacksfield’s “Little Red Monkey” (which was supposed to to be a light novelty number – but on that, the Clavioline sounds CREEPY – this scribe’s wife HATES it).

Roger LaVern was the Tornados’ keyboard player – but his organ proved not to be big enough (so to speak) for Joe. And therefore, Joe decided to add the Clavioline. However, as Roger had a gig later, in Yarmouth – Geoff Goddard subbed for him on that instrument.

The echo was allegedly obtained by setting up two tape-recorders in 304, Holloway Road’s bathroom – and using a mic attached to one, with a speaker attached to the other, the whole recording was transferred acoustically.

If true, this would certainly explain why even this historian’s MINT original copy does NOT sound as clear as any of the Tornados’ subsequent recordings.

(One story even has it that Telstar was RECORDED in the bathroom – but that appears to have been a mashing of the above story with the fact that the rooms of the premises were used as studio “elements”).

One wonders whether the ORIGINAL recording still exists, in “The Tea Chest Tapes” (of which again, more later).

Another mystery is the BASS part. Heinz was the Tornados’ official bassist – but he could barely PLAY. His guitar often had rubber placed between the strings and body to disguise that fact, by damping the sound down to an atonal thump. So did he LEARN the bass part, or did someone sub for him, too?

But whatever the truths – the fact is, Telstar became a massive World-wide hit. It was Joe’s finest moment.

However, Joe would never earn a penny from it as the composer. This was due to a French composer accusing him of plagiarism, over a piece the Frenchman had written for a 1960 film. The fact that when Telstar came out, the film had not yet been released in Britain makes it unlikely Joe had ever HEARD it.

But this (probable) coincidence kept the matter tied up in court for YEARS. It was eventually settled – in Joe’s favour – three weeks after his death.

Geoff Goddard.

Geoff COULD play – and compose. In fact, he often helped Joe out by transcribing the latter’s tunes onto sheet music. He also supplied a number of his own compositions to Joe’s canon. Some say Joe even STOLE a few from him – and others. And he played keyboards on a number of Joe’s other hits.

Also, like Joe, Geoff was interested in the paranormal and was a practising psychic.

But despite the fact he too was gay, Joe and Geoff never really got on. And after a spat, they parted: whereupon Geoff LEFT the music business – sinking into obscurity and passing unobtrusively at the age of only 62. For years, he had been working in the canteen of a local university – the students unaware of his history.

After Telstar.

Over the years he had been working, many artists had benefited from Joe’s productions – in addition to the above-mentioned, he had now recorded Screaming Lord Sutch, Mike Berry, Billy Fury, Gene Vincent, Petula Clark, George Chakiris, Mike Sarne, Freddie Starr, Tommy Steele, Jess Conrad, Anne Shelton, Shirley Bassey and a host of lesser lights, long-forgotten today.

He even encountered Tom Jones – but that also ended badly. In the early Sixties, the fashion for men’s trousers was TIGHT. And Joe’s remarks about the size of Tom’s package did not appeal to The Boy From The Valleys.

“It serves its purpose,” was Tom’s curt answer to one of Joe’s enquiries. Most gay men would have moved on after this obvious rebuff, from someone who was clearly a Ladies’ Man – but Joe continued his advances and eventually Tom lost it and WENT for him.

Having doubtless been beaten up over his proclivities before, Joe’s response was to scream like a girl and jump up onto his desk – then the mantelpiece – with an agility that took Tom aback. Shaking his head and sighing, Tom turned and walked away. He eventually got signed by Gordon Mills – who was STRAIGHT – and the rest is history.

Thus Joe needed to move FORWARD. What he badly needed was a follow-up to Telstar.

And so he composed “Globetrotter” – for which he was lucky not to receive ANOTHER accusation of plagiarism – it was VERY similar to “Venus In Blue Jeans”. However luckily, no-one seemed to notice and it made number five in the UK – but did nothing in America (Telstar had topped the charts on BOTH sides of the Atlantic).

Several more Meek-composed Tornados hits followed – “Robot”/“Life On Venus” and “The Ice Cream Man”/“Scales Of Justice” being the best (Scales Of Justice was composed by Johnny Douglas, for the film series).

But Joe grew tired of the group – all except for their bassist…

Heinz Burt.

Heinz was a young German – brought up in Britain, from age seven – who was handsome and a natural blond. And Joe LOVED him – even insisting Roger LaVern dye his naturally fair hair black to avoid clashing with him.

But, like Tom Jones, Heinz was straight. However, UNlike Tom, he was charming and naive – thus was not as forceful in rebuffing Joe’s advances. And so Joe determined to extract him from the Tornados and make him a solo singing star.

However, while Heinz was a looker – his singing talents were merely adequate. Thus the only hit he scored was a minor one – “Just Like Eddy” – written by Geoff Goddard as a tribute to Eddie Cochran. A young Richie Blackmore (destined for fame with Deep Purple) played guitar. It made number five in the UK.

(After Joe’s death, Heinz carried on in The Business – singing in pantos, naustalgia shows and occasional Tornados reformations. He died a few weeks before Geoff Goddard, aged just 57).

When Heinz failed to become a star, Joe began looking around himself. The Tornados were ailing, Screaming Lord Sutch was only a one-hit-wonder novelty act, the major record companies were still not interested in him – and the Beatles (a group he had turned DOWN a few years earlier) were leading a whole new generation.

Joe felt he was about to become obsolete. But then came…

The Honeycombs.

Featuring lady drummer Honey Lantree, the Honeycombs gave Joe his last number one hit. Like Telstar, the stories surrounding its creation are fabled – and contradictory.

One says the THUMP that characterises the record was created by the group stamping on the stairs of 304, Holloway Road, recorded by a series of mics attached to the bannister rail by bicycle clips (THAT must have pleased Violet).

Another says Joe wrapped a moving coil mic in a towel and placed it on the bare boards of the bathroom floor and stamped his OWN foot on the floor, in time to the rhythm.

Maybe it was both. Or neither.

Whichever, the record went top ten all over the World – Joe appeared to be BACK.

However, this late entry in Joe’s canon proved to be his swansong. He continued recording tracks with the Honeycombs, but apart from a having a minor hit with “That’s The Way” in ’65 – they all fell on stony ground.

And his rants and rages became worse and more frequent – Honey Lantree was terrified of him.

Thus the Honeycombs spelled the end of an era.

Joe’s Death.

Like everything else surrounding Joe Meek, his exit is surrounded by confusion. The FACTS are that on the third of February, 1967 (the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death) Joe’s body, along with that of his aforementioned landlady, Violet Shenton, was found at 304, Holloway Road – they had both died by shotgun blast.

Another fact was that the shotgun found at the scene belonged to Heinz Burt. At first, the police went looking for HIM.

However, they soon eliminated him from suspicion: declaring that Joe had shot Violet – then himself.

The presence of Heinz’ shotgun was explained as its having been confiscated by Joe, when he discovered Heinz was using it to go bird-shooting while on tour – a sport Joe disapproved of. He had then hidden the firearm and cartridges under his bed.

But questions remain unanswered – and are likely to continue to be, given the principals are now all deceased.

Like, was the fact the murder-suicide took place on the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death relevant? Joe was obsessed with the singer and had often claimed to have had psychic conversations with him.

Then there was the business of Heinz’ shotgun. The police were satisfied at the time, but…

And what happened at 304, Holloway Road, to trigger (again, so to speak) the tragedy? Since there were no reported witnesses, we shall probably never know.

Joe’s Legacy.

For many years, people FORGOT Joe. But slowly, his story began to grow: from curio, through fame – to LEGEND. Books, TV docos and now, even dramatisations of his life. His recordings have been re-issued many times. Most are currently available on YouTube (some even uploaded by this writer).

And then there are “The Tea-Chest Tapes” – these have changed hands a number of times, for ever-increasing sums. They apparently include recordings that never made it to vinyl, of many of the stars Joe recorded – and some he did not (like Tom Jones and the young David Bowie).

Perhaps the original master of Telstar is in there (which could now be restored – in STEREO, if it was recorded on multi-track – and with MODERN echo added).

But while it is said they were catalogued in the Eighties, they have not yet surfaced in the public domain.

Naturally, now being fifty-odd years old, they may be commercially useless. Audio tape is quite durable if kept away from heat, humidity and magnetic fields – but fifty years is a long time.

And finally, it is cruelly ironic that within just six months of Joe’s expiration, three important things happened…

One: the court case concerning Telstar was (as stated above) settled in his favour. This would have restored his financial status – he was BROKE when he died.

Two: homosexuality was (sort of) legalised in the UK.

And three: The Summer Of Love happened. Pop music and culture EXPLODED. In short, the World changed – and many of the ways it changed would have suited Joe right down to the ground.

If only he had just WAITED a bit…

Usually, one person gives out a NERVOUS LAUGH – like the other just said something funny – but which is actually their way of saying they wish to END the conversation ASAP.

Failing that, they have to resort to something like: well, anyway… yeah, okay… I s’pose I’d better get on… righto… I’ll talk to you later… okay… right… talk to you later, then… byeee… byeee… byeee… you hang up… no, YOU hang up… [this can go on for hours]

Americans are more direct: Hi, Mom… Your father died… yeah? What of?… Cancer… [klunk, klunk.]

I wish I could think of an END for this bit… [klunk]

As is often the case with these sorts of dreams, I could not MOVE – thus I feared I would DROWN. But just at that moment, the level of the sea began to drop.

And as the sea receded into the distance, I found myself PINNED underneath the now-collapsed structure – pressed into the soft, pungent ooze.

For a while, the situation seemed merely uncomfortable – but as time went by and no-one came to my aid, I began to feel more and more pain as the wreckage settled.

Finally, I heard a rushing in my ears and realised that something was about to occur which I had sworn would never happen – I was going to succumb to pier pressure.

WOW – that was a long way to go for THAT one!

Various roles in various movies have peppered his also-extraordinary TV career. But here, the writer wishes to concentrate on his biggest MOVIE triumphs – Mr Bean and Johnny English. Thus far, two of each.

The character of Mr Bean was dreamed up for a highly successful TV series, while Johnny English came from a series of Barclaycard TV commercials.

However, the two are very different. Mr Bean is essentially a child in a man’s body, having apparently been dropped off from a passing spacecraft – while the originally unnamed secret agent is a pompous blunderer.

Parallels have been drawn between Mr Bean and Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton – while Johnny English owes something to Sellers’ Clouseau and Nielsen’s Drebin.

But they all share one thing in common – VISUAL comedy. Indeed, parallels have also been drawn between Atkinson and Chaplin.

And that is fair enough. But Chaplin had one thing over Atkinson – success in AMERICA.

The Mr Bean and Johnny English movies have enjoyed extraordinary success around the World – but done ZIP in the States.

Typically, a movie that does well in what Hollywood calls the Foreign Market grosses about twice as much there – as in what it calls the Domestic Market. But not Bean and English.

Bean cost a mere US$22M to make and netted only that, in America. But the Rest Of The World netted it another NINETY-odd million (the gross being double that figure – the theatres get the other half).

Six years later (Atkinson never RUSHES things) Johnny English was released, having cost US$35M – and netted just 14 Stateside. But the Rest Of The World returned SIXTY-FIVE big ones.

Another four years and Bean’s sequel emerged, costing US$25 to produce and the US gave it just 16. While The Rest Of The World came across with ninety-two.

And now, four MORE years down the line, Johnny Reborn (featuring agents Barclay and Carte) has (so far – it’s still out there) turned US$45M into just a piddling FOUR in America – but seventy-three large elsewhere. And counting.

All of which is bizarre. Yes, the characters are British – but then, so was Chaplin. Why doesn’t America GET Atkinson?

Granted, The Rest Of The World is BOUND to love Bean – it’s great comedy, with no language barrier. And while English has dialogue, most of the COMEDY is still VISUAL.

And while many of the foreign issues of the English movies have Bean in their titles (which is a cheat, since the two characters are entirely different, but hey, you have to PROMOTE – in any case, ultimately a movie sells on its APPEAL, not its title) their success is a result of word-of-mouth. They’re FUNNY.

Here in Thailand, Britain means two things – Manchester United and Mr Bean. And this scribbler suspects the same is true elsewhere.

But over in The Land Of The Free, Rowan is still largely unknown. Of course, reportedly being worth over a hundred million quid (POUNDS, not US dollars) he may not care.

He lives a comfortable, but not ostentatious life. One wife. A couple of kids. His sole indulgence is owning and driving (and occasionally crashing) fast, expensive cars.

He is only a couple of years younger than this reporter, but wears it well – he still has HAIR.

He has campaigned for free speech in comedy. Manages to conceal a stammer by emphasising his Bs. Is by all accounts a charming if rather unassuming chap – some would even say boring.

But for over FORTY YEARS, he has turned out a brilliant, consistent body of work that should have earned him a frickin’ KNIGHTHOOD, by now. Maybe if America had understood him…

Footnote: ROWAN Bean? Yes – the name is glimpsed in his passport, in Mr Bean’s Holiday (Vacation). So now you know!

The numbers go thusly – a thousand: a one with three zeros after it – a million: six zeros – a milliard: nine – a billion: twelve – a billiard (nothing to do with the game): fifteen – a trillion: eighteen – a trilliard: twenty-one – and a quadrillion: twenty-four zeros.

After that (if absolutely necessary) you can go to a quintillion (thirty zeros) a sextillion (thirty-six) a septillion (forty-two) an octillion (forty-eight) and so on.

Simple – until the Americans got involved.

Despite the billion being perfectly content as a million million (bi- meaning TWO: as in bicycle, bisexual, bifocals, etc.) and the trillion likewise, as a million million million (tri- meaning THREE: as in tricycle, triangle, trident, etc.) they decided to CHANGE things.

It’s what they do. The rest of the World has 50Hz power, so they alone went with 60Hz. We have PAL/Secam – they have NTSC (never twice the same colour). Our AC current comes at 220 volts – theirs at 110. And it’s the same with shoe sizes, date/month, gallons, etc.

They ALWAYS have to be DIFFERENT, so they unilaterally decided to make a thousand million a billion and a million million a trillion – despite simple grammar dictating otherwise.

Thus the Orders Of Magnitude became split into Short Scale (America) and Long Scale (the rest of the World).

But America, while not being the most advanced or developed nation on Earth, IS the most powerful – thus it was not long before other countries began adopting THEIR misbegotten numbering system.

So what to do? Well – these days, the million and billion are slowly fading from use. Smart people are now only using thousand and million (at least America hasn’t mucked up THOSE).

Thus a one with nine zeros is now being described as a thousand million – rather than a billion (Short Scale). And one with twelve, a million million – rather than a billion (Long Scale) or trillion (Short Scale). It avoids confusion.

While numbers GREATER than 1,000,000,000,000 (Long billion or Short trillion) are usually only used in Science – and are thus expressed as powers anyway (i.e., the aforementioned number would be 10¹² – ten to the twelfth).

And so THIS time we can CIRCUMVENT America’s crassness. Pity we can’t do the same with all the OTHER crap we’ve inherited from them…