Damien on… How Can The U.S. Republican Party Call Itself Patriotic, While They Are DUMPING All Over The Democratically-elected President Of The United States?

…because he was elected Democratically, that’s how.

The very WORD is an anathema to the members of the GOP.

Their sworn duty is to squeeze every cent they can from the POOR and give it to the obscenely RICH – which flies in the face of Democracy, given the MAJORITY of people ARE poor.

So, since in America the voting system ensures ONE vote for EACH person, regardless of sex, colour or income – how does such a party EVER manage to attain power?

The fault, ironically, lies with the voting system – which is DEMOCRATIC.

This gives the Power To The People – but unfortunately, the people are idiots.

The story is the same on both sides of The Pond. There are just TWO political parties (in Britain, the parties have managed to exclude any others by spending the last ninety years redrawing boundaries to favour themselves – thus two attempts at establishing a viable alternative party have fallen in the paddock).

In theory, one is left-wing, the other right. But during the last thirty years, Britain has adopted the AMERICAN system, where one is centre-right and the other, EXTREME right.

Socialism is now a dirty word in Britain – as Liberalism is, in the States.

Thus the choice is between a bunch of moderate morons who continually screw up – and a bunch of ignorant, sleazy, money-grabbing MFs who APPEAR to know what they are doing. But as the last three years have demonstrated – they DON’T.

So how DO the extreme right manage to get elected in the FIRST place? Well, after any long period in power, the centre-right can be guaranteed to make a dog’s breakfast of things – it’s what they DO.

At which point, along comes the extreme right party – and they promise that THIS time, they will NOT screw the poor and favour the rich. This time, things will be DIFFERENT.

And like the battered housewife whose husband promises the same thing – the battered public decide they will give them one last chance. This gives the extreme right another five years (four, in America) to asset-strip the country and further reduce public services.

After which, the public get fed up with their lords and masters taking the PISS – and vote the centre-right back in again.

This observer has witnessed this cycle all his life – but now, there is a difference. The extreme right has gone TOO FAR.

Where before, they managed to balance the books – albeit at the cost of jobs, services and the PLANET – they have monumentally FAILED at even managing THAT.

Enter, in America, the “alternatives” – the Tea Party and the “Occupy” Movement.

The problem is neither is VIABLE. The Tea Party is just another bunch of right-wing arseholes – but with the added bonus that they are completely CLUELESS – and the Occupiers are well-intentioned but unfocused.

Both lack leadership and direction. They know their country is f**ked up – but have no plan for how to unf**k it.

Britain is currently ruled by Pinky and Perky. An uneasy coalition of the afore-mentioned alternative party (who are now a spent force) and the latest edition of the extreme right. But at least Pinky – David Cameron – has POWER.

His opposite number, Stateside, has NONE. Obama cannot even SMOKE in his own OFFICE.

He is a nice guy (not a useful quality, for any POTUS) and has bent over backwards to appease the extreme right. He began using this ploy before he even gained office, in his debates with McCain. And McCain SHOWED him how ineffective it would be against the extreme right – even back then.

But Obama’s message was HOPE – and thus he continued to use the same technique once in government. And it has gotten him – and his country – NOWHERE.

The GOP are all about STIFLING hope – if it means the hopes and aspirations of the masses. Their only interest lies with the RICH.

So what can a poor boy DO?

Well – in France, in the last decade of the eighteenth century, they had the right idea. It involved tumbrils and guillotines.

However, the rich and powerful are far too clever to allow this radical, but simple solution to emerge. We live in an age where groups of ANY size are infiltrated – including their electronic communications – by the minions of the aforementioned lords and masters.

Which leaves us – nowhere.

Oh sure, we can make our voices heard. That is one of the quoted advantages of living in a Democracy – but it is ACTUALLY a DISADVANTAGE.

As the Arab Spring demonstrated – in countries where free speech is stifled, its people have to be CLEVER. If they want to effect change and get out from under government repression and corruption, they need to organise QUIETLY.

Of course, the electronic SOCIAL NETWORKS took those primitive governments by surprise. But Western governments are more savvy. Their spies are deeply entrenched in the new media.

Thus, people wishing to effect a WESTERN Spring will need to be even MORE clever.

Lotsa luck, guys…

Damien on… Ecology

Global warming causes the polar ice to melt – this raises the sea level – which will inundate most cities as they are close to the sea – except if you melt ice in water – since most is UNDER the water – it makes little difference – but then again, global DARKENING has negated much of the effect of global warming – thus the effect of global warming is far less problematic than the dangers posed by the hole in the ozone layer – although since they stopped using CFCs in fridges, that has almost repaired itself – except some scientists say it’s getting bigger – then again, all of this is negated by the increase in CO2 – which will cause the World to go up in a ball of thermal runaway, later this year – as predicted by the Mayans – except they didn’t say that at all – their calendar went in cycles and 2012 is simply the end of another cycle.

Hope that makes things clear.

Damien on… The Death Of The Pilot

This has nothing to do with aeroplanes (airplanes).

In America, TV movies - A.K.A. “made-for-television movies” – first began appearing in the Sixties. Television had advanced to colour (color) and its budgets were getting bigger.

However, they still were not THAT big – a famous actor once said the difference between acting in TV movies and theatrical ones became apparent when he needed guidance on how to play a scene and went to the director and asked, “How do you want it?”

If the director gave him instructions on the subtleties and style of the performance he required – it was a theatrical movie.

Whereas if he screamed, “NOW – the next set-up is waiting!” – it was a TV movie.

But in the Seventies, things changed. Whilst stand-alone TV movies still appeared – most were really PILOTS.

Every year, several dozen TV movies would emerge and for most of the audiences, that was that. But Behind The Scenes, statistics would be obtained from ratings companies and forms would be filled in by demographically-selected viewers and the next season, a number of SERIES would burst forth – based on those TV movies.

The forms they took varied, though. Some would feature the same actors, characters and situations as the TV movie had – others would feature major CHANGES – while a few might only retain the basic PREMISE of the original.

These were down to the REACTION the TV movies had received.

I recall one series that had retained all of the actors, characters and situations from its pilot – but where the pilot had been a PERIOD piece, the resulting series became CONTEMPORARY. One suspects that while audiences had liked the premise, they had had trouble identifying with the period.

Or possibly, the network chief had decided the period aspect was unnecessary – and had pointed out the COSTS of period filming.

Anyhoo, the pilot system worked well – so given the current drop in TV audience figures (thanks largely to THIS medium) and today’s DIRE financial climate, it is highly surprising the networks decided to DUMP it.

These days, series get green-lighted WITHOUT recourse to floating a pilot. Of course, they only get six episodes – then they wait for the ratings on the first three. If the numbers are favourable (favorable) the network orders seven more.

Sometimes a series TAKES OFF and they order another eighteen, to take the number to a full season. While at other times, they wait for the thirteen to finish and if they like the numbers – they order a full season NEXT year.

But this is MURDER on production companies, who are left on continuous TENTERHOOKS.

Given that today, theatrical movies are almost exclusively no-brain, FX-laden, PG-13 blockbuster remakes, sequels, prequels and video-game spinoffs aimed at KIDS – and as a result, most of the creative talent has drifted over to television and who can blame them – it is hard to understand why this manic system has supplanted the tried-and-tested tradition of PILOTS.

I mean, even SIX series episodes represent FOUR HOURS of screen time. Whereas the humble pilot runs a mere sixty-two – or at most eighty-three MINUTES – thus costing a FRACTION of the amount.

The result of this madness is that GOOD series appear, then get re-scheduled and often CANCELLED at a rate that leaves viewers’ heads spinning. And all of this at a time when they are abandoning TV in their millions to go surf THIS media.

TV executives need to RETHINK things – and one good idea would be to REVIVE the PILOT.

[In the unlikely event a TV exec actually comes across this piece: please - take a Valium, sit down and leave a comment. Tell us WHY your industry STOPPED making pilots.]

Damien on… The Scotch

The Scotch are a race of people who live at the top of England.

Being that far north, the winters are long, dark and cold. So the Scotch have little to do and amuse themselves by inventing nick-nacks.

One of their inventions was a drink, which they unimaginatively named after themselves. A leading brand is Glenmiller.

The liquid gives the Scotch the DTs – thus many think they see monsters, like the Lock Ness Monster.

Every Saturday night, they go on a pilgrimage to the Glasgay Empire, where they throw things at English comics.

They are an aggressive people, as is evidenced by the celebrities who hail from there – like Jerry Sadowitz and Susan Boyle’s son, Frankie.

But luckily, they do not live very long, thanks to their diet of fried Mars Bars and haggis and chips.

[Of course, Sarah Palin would probably BELIEVE this crap!]

Damien on… Brass Monkeys

Thailand is currently going through a COLD snap. Last two days, the temperature here has dropped about seven degrees. It’s now 25 – CENTIGRADE.

I say this not to gloat, it’s actually a REAL PROBLEM – because oop north, in Chiang Mai (which is 500 miles away – like comparing Edinburgh with Bournemouth) it is SERIOUSLY COLD right now. Official disaster area, blankets needed, etc.

Thing is, this country is about as prepared for INDOOR and HEATER weather – as Britain is for SNOW. Both happen – but when they do, the people in both countries are EQUALLY dozy.

I hear Perky is finally trying to grow a pair and says he DISAGREES (ooh, there’ll be tears before bedtime) with Pinky over (belatedly) seeking to distance Britain from Europe.

The current fiasco started DECADES ago, when – after The Wall came down – the West started POURING money into the Eastern industries. Of course, they called it INVESTMENT. Then they began stretching the eastern European border until it nearly reached the STANS.

And now those turkeys have come home to roost (if I may mix metaphors – it’s my column, I’ll do what I want). Trouble is, my INCOME has to be paid in POUNDS – so Pinky had better be RIGHT.

The Tories have always been a bunch of sleazy, greedy smugbastards – conning the proles into voting for them, then making them bend over and spread their legs – but at least the c***s managed to BALANCE THE BOOKS.

One hopes Pinky will carry ON that tradition.

Of course, he need not worry what Perky thinks – THAT guy’s gonads are about as big as those on the citizens of Chiang Mai right now…

Damien on… Joe Meek

After having returned from fighting tyranny in Europe, British gay men found it still alive at home. During the casual sophistication of the Thirties, homosexuality was on its way to being tolerated – but the austerity of the Fifties stopped all that.

And it was during this period that Joe Meek entered adulthood. In addition to being gay, Joe was paranoid, OCD, schizophrenic and manic-depressive. He was also into spiritualism and the paranormal.

He was destined for a hard life.

However, he did have some redeeming qualities: whilst having little musical talent himself, he had a natural flair for enhancing the sounds of those who did.

This he achieved by developing a number of Heath Robinson acoustic techniques and various crude electronic devices that took the recording business by storm.

But he had a lot of difficulties to overcome, in order to do so.

The first was the fact the post-war British popular music scene was utterly dominated by four large companies – EMI, Decca, Philips and Pye. Fifties Pop music was essentially a closed shop.

For a while, Joe tried to work within this system, as a recording engineer. He mixed, among many others, hits such as Frankie Vaughan’s “Green Door” for Philips, Lonnie Donegan’s “Don’t You Rock Me Daddy-O” for Pye and Humphrey Lyttelton’s ”Bad Penny Blues” for Parlophone (EMI).

This reaction he got to the last of these efforts was typical of the repression he encountered during those years. By over-recording the brushes and bass, and modulating the piano, Joe turned a Trad Jazz number into something the youth of the day could relate to. But Humph was FURIOUS (although his fury cooled somewhat when the record hit the POP charts).

In 1959, he created a stereophonic New Age concept album, featuring electronic sounds, called “I Hear A New World” – but it was only partially released. New Age? Concept album? Electronic music? In 1959? Precisely. It was WAY ahead of its time.

Of course, if Joe had been born in America – instead of England’s West Country – he could have started his own independent label and been as successful as Phil Spector. But the hidebound attitudes of Fifties and early Sixties Britain throttled the life out of the man.

Nevertheless, he plugged away – recording tracks at his Holloway Road “studio” and releasing them, one at a time, on any label that would take them. The only clue to his having produced them was the legend – “An RGM Sound Recording” – somewhere on each label.

304, Holloway Road, London.

The three floors above a leather goods shop at that address formed Joe’s “studio” – the premises was, and still is, a terraced HOUSE.

The stairwells were covered in cables and the individual rooms served as recording booths – with one set aside for the mixing desk. How Joe was able to prevent traffic noise from the busy road outside ruining his recordings is still a mystery, but at least SEPARATION was not a problem.

However, conflict with neighbours – particularly his long-suffering landlady downstairs – WAS. She would bang the ceiling with a broom handle, while Joe’s response was to place speakers on the floor to INCREASE the noise he was making.

According to visiting artists, the landlady – Violet Shenton – was a sweetheart. But Joe hated her with a passion. And their relationship would not end well.

The first hit to emerge from Holloway Road was John Leyton’s “Johnny Remember Me” – written by Geoff Goddard (of whom, more later). It featured a booming vocal by John, eerie calls from an uncredited Lissa Gray and was released on Top Rank’s short-lived record label.

Its success was due in no small part to it and John Leyton being featured in a then-popular TV series called “Harpers, West One” – a soap, set in a department store.

But this was eclipsed by Joe’s next – and biggest – hit. “Telstar”.

Joe’s interest in the paranormal extended to all things extra-terrestrial – and when Telstar was launched, as the World’s first communications satellite, Joe was fascinated.

All of his life he had been interested in electronics (it is said that he built the first working TV set in his town) and his ingenuity with the science was certainly a major factor in the extraordinary records he created.

He even tried recording the dead in graveyards and a recording exists of a cat Joe found there – that he claimed spoke in tongues (although to THIS chronicler, it mostly sounds like “miaou”).

Anyhoo, Telstar inspired Joe to create his masterpiece.

“Telstar”

So many stories surround this epic that today, it is hard to separate fact from fiction – but this scribbler will try…

It seems Joe merely supplied the MELODY for Telstar. The arrangement, Clem Cattini’s brushes on the snare-drum, the key-change in the middle, etc. – ALL came from the Tornados. But Joe doubtless also supplied the sound-effects that frame the number.

Central to the piece is a Clavioline. Originally invented in 1947 as an add-on for pianos, it had first hit the Pop charts in 1953, on Frank Chacksfield’s “Little Red Monkey” (which was supposed to to be a light novelty number – but on that, the Clavioline sounds CREEPY – this scribe’s wife HATES it).

Roger LaVern was the Tornados’ keyboard player – but his organ proved not to be big enough (so to speak) for Joe. And therefore, Joe decided to add the Clavioline. However, as Roger had a gig later, in Yarmouth – Geoff Goddard subbed for him on that instrument.

The echo was allegedly obtained by setting up two tape-recorders in 304, Holloway Road’s bathroom – and using a mic attached to one, with a speaker attached to the other, the whole recording was transferred acoustically.

If true, this would certainly explain why even this historian’s MINT original copy does NOT sound as clear as any of the Tornados’ subsequent recordings.

(One story even has it that Telstar was RECORDED in the bathroom – but that appears to have been a mashing of the above story with the fact that the rooms of the premises were used as studio “elements”).

One wonders whether the ORIGINAL recording still exists, in “The Tea Chest Tapes” (of which again, more later).

Another mystery is the BASS part. Heinz was the Tornados’ official bassist – but he could barely PLAY. His guitar often had rubber placed between the strings and body to disguise that fact, by damping the sound down to an atonal thump. So did he LEARN the bass part, or did someone sub for him, too?

But whatever the truths – the fact is, Telstar became a massive World-wide hit. It was Joe’s finest moment.

However, Joe would never earn a penny from it as the composer. This was due to a French composer accusing him of plagiarism, over a piece the Frenchman had written for a 1960 film. The fact that when Telstar came out, the film had not yet been released in Britain makes it unlikely Joe had ever HEARD it.

But this (probable) coincidence kept the matter tied up in court for YEARS. It was eventually settled – in Joe’s favour – three weeks after his death.

Geoff Goddard.

Geoff COULD play – and compose. In fact, he often helped Joe out by transcribing the latter’s tunes onto sheet music. He also supplied a number of his own compositions to Joe’s canon. Some say Joe even STOLE a few from him – and others. And he played keyboards on a number of Joe’s other hits.

Also, like Joe, Geoff was interested in the paranormal and was a practising psychic.

But despite the fact he too was gay, Joe and Geoff never really got on. And after a spat, they parted: whereupon Geoff LEFT the music business – sinking into obscurity and passing unobtrusively at the age of only 62. For years, he had been working in the canteen of a local university – the students unaware of his history.

After Telstar.

Over the years he had been working, many artists had benefited from Joe’s productions – in addition to the above-mentioned, he had now recorded Screaming Lord Sutch, Mike Berry, Billy Fury, Gene Vincent, Petula Clark, George Chakiris, Mike Sarne, Freddie Starr, Tommy Steele, Jess Conrad, Anne Shelton, Shirley Bassey and a host of lesser lights, long-forgotten today.

He even encountered Tom Jones – but that also ended badly. In the early Sixties, the fashion for men’s trousers was TIGHT. And Joe’s remarks about the size of Tom’s package did not appeal to The Boy From The Valleys.

“It serves its purpose,” was Tom’s curt answer to one of Joe’s enquiries. Most gay men would have moved on after this obvious rebuff, from someone who was clearly a Ladies’ Man – but Joe continued his advances and eventually Tom lost it and WENT for him.

Having doubtless been beaten up over his proclivities before, Joe’s response was to scream like a girl and jump up onto his desk – then the mantelpiece – with an agility that took Tom aback. Shaking his head and sighing, Tom turned and walked away. He eventually got signed by Gordon Mills – who was STRAIGHT – and the rest is history.

Thus Joe needed to move FORWARD. What he badly needed was a follow-up to Telstar.

And so he composed “Globetrotter” – for which he was lucky not to receive ANOTHER accusation of plagiarism – it was VERY similar to “Venus In Blue Jeans”. However luckily, no-one seemed to notice and it made number five in the UK – but did nothing in America (Telstar had topped the charts on BOTH sides of the Atlantic).

Several more Meek-composed Tornados hits followed – “Robot”/“Life On Venus” and “The Ice Cream Man”/“Scales Of Justice” being the best (Scales Of Justice was composed by Johnny Douglas, for the film series).

But Joe grew tired of the group – all except for their bassist…

Heinz Burt.

Heinz was a young German – brought up in Britain, from age seven – who was handsome and a natural blond. And Joe LOVED him – even insisting Roger LaVern dye his naturally fair hair black to avoid clashing with him.

But, like Tom Jones, Heinz was straight. However, UNlike Tom, he was charming and naive – thus was not as forceful in rebuffing Joe’s advances. And so Joe determined to extract him from the Tornados and make him a solo singing star.

However, while Heinz was a looker – his singing talents were merely adequate. Thus the only hit he scored was a minor one – “Just Like Eddy” – written by Geoff Goddard as a tribute to Eddie Cochran. A young Richie Blackmore (destined for fame with Deep Purple) played guitar. It made number five in the UK.

(After Joe’s death, Heinz carried on in The Business – singing in pantos, naustalgia shows and occasional Tornados reformations. He died a few weeks before Geoff Goddard, aged just 57).

When Heinz failed to become a star, Joe began looking around himself. The Tornados were ailing, Screaming Lord Sutch was only a one-hit-wonder novelty act, the major record companies were still not interested in him – and the Beatles (a group he had turned DOWN a few years earlier) were leading a whole new generation.

Joe felt he was about to become obsolete. But then came…

The Honeycombs.

Featuring lady drummer Honey Lantree, the Honeycombs gave Joe his last number one hit. Like Telstar, the stories surrounding its creation are fabled – and contradictory.

One says the THUMP that characterises the record was created by the group stamping on the stairs of 304, Holloway Road, recorded by a series of mics attached to the bannister rail by bicycle clips (THAT must have pleased Violet).

Another says Joe wrapped a moving coil mic in a towel and placed it on the bare boards of the bathroom floor and stamped his OWN foot on the floor, in time to the rhythm.

Maybe it was both. Or neither.

Whichever, the record went top ten all over the World – Joe appeared to be BACK.

However, this late entry in Joe’s canon proved to be his swansong. He continued recording tracks with the Honeycombs, but apart from a having a minor hit with “That’s The Way” in ’65 – they all fell on stony ground.

And his rants and rages became worse and more frequent – Honey Lantree was terrified of him.

Thus the Honeycombs spelled the end of an era.

Joe’s Death.

Like everything else surrounding Joe Meek, his exit is surrounded by confusion. The FACTS are that on the third of February, 1967 (the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death) Joe’s body, along with that of his aforementioned landlady, Violet Shenton, was found at 304, Holloway Road – they had both died by shotgun blast.

Another fact was that the shotgun found at the scene belonged to Heinz Burt. At first, the police went looking for HIM.

However, they soon eliminated him from suspicion: declaring that Joe had shot Violet – then himself.

The presence of Heinz’ shotgun was explained as its having been confiscated by Joe, when he discovered Heinz was using it to go bird-shooting while on tour – a sport Joe disapproved of. He had then hidden the firearm and cartridges under his bed.

But questions remain unanswered – and are likely to continue to be, given the principals are now all deceased.

Like, was the fact the murder-suicide took place on the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death relevant? Joe was obsessed with the singer and had often claimed to have had psychic conversations with him.

Then there was the business of Heinz’ shotgun. The police were satisfied at the time, but…

And what happened at 304, Holloway Road, to trigger (again, so to speak) the tragedy? Since there were no reported witnesses, we shall probably never know.

Joe’s Legacy.

For many years, people FORGOT Joe. But slowly, his story began to grow: from curio, through fame – to LEGEND. Books, TV docos and now, even dramatisations of his life. His recordings have been re-issued many times. Most are currently available on YouTube (some even uploaded by this writer).

And then there are “The Tea-Chest Tapes” – these have changed hands a number of times, for ever-increasing sums. They apparently include recordings that never made it to vinyl, of many of the stars Joe recorded – and some he did not (like Tom Jones and the young David Bowie).

Perhaps the original master of Telstar is in there (which could now be restored – in STEREO, if it was recorded on multi-track – and with MODERN echo added).

But while it is said they were catalogued in the Eighties, they have not yet surfaced in the public domain.

Naturally, now being fifty-odd years old, they may be commercially useless. Audio tape is quite durable if kept away from heat, humidity and magnetic fields – but fifty years is a long time.

And finally, it is cruelly ironic that within just six months of Joe’s expiration, three important things happened…

One: the court case concerning Telstar was (as stated above) settled in his favour. This would have restored his financial status – he was BROKE when he died.

Two: homosexuality was (sort of) legalised in the UK.

And three: The Summer Of Love happened. Pop music and culture EXPLODED. In short, the World changed – and many of the ways it changed would have suited Joe right down to the ground.

If only he had just WAITED a bit…

Damien on… Ending A Phone Conversation

In England, people do this in one of two ways.

Usually, one person gives out a NERVOUS LAUGH – like the other just said something funny – but which is actually their way of saying they wish to END the conversation ASAP.

Failing that, they have to resort to something like: well, anyway… yeah, okay… I s’pose I’d better get on… righto… I’ll talk to you later… okay… right… talk to you later, then… byeee… byeee… byeee… you hang up… no, YOU hang up… [this can go on for hours]

Americans are more direct: Hi, Mom… Your father died… yeah? What of?… Cancer… [klunk, klunk.]

I wish I could think of an END for this bit… [klunk]

Damien on… The Meaning Of Dreams (for Dave Searle)

Last night, I dreamt I was fishing off Felixstowe Pier – when suddenly, the old piles began to creak (not MINE – those supporting the pier) and the whole construction began to list.

As is often the case with these sorts of dreams, I could not MOVE – thus I feared I would DROWN. But just at that moment, the level of the sea began to drop.

And as the sea receded into the distance, I found myself PINNED underneath the now-collapsed structure – pressed into the soft, pungent ooze.

For a while, the situation seemed merely uncomfortable – but as time went by and no-one came to my aid, I began to feel more and more pain as the wreckage settled.

Finally, I heard a rushing in my ears and realised that something was about to occur which I had sworn would never happen – I was going to succumb to pier pressure.

WOW – that was a long way to go for THAT one!

Damien on… Mr (Rowan) Bean and Johnny English

Rowan Atkinson’s big-screen career has – like everything else he’s done – been extraordinary.

Various roles in various movies have peppered his also-extraordinary TV career. But here, the writer wishes to concentrate on his biggest MOVIE triumphs – Mr Bean and Johnny English. Thus far, two of each.

The character of Mr Bean was dreamed up for a highly successful TV series, while Johnny English came from a series of Barclaycard TV commercials.

However, the two are very different. Mr Bean is essentially a child in a man’s body, having apparently been dropped off from a passing spacecraft – while the originally unnamed secret agent is a pompous blunderer.

Parallels have been drawn between Mr Bean and Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton – while Johnny English owes something to Sellers’ Clouseau and Nielsen’s Drebin.

But they all share one thing in common – VISUAL comedy. Indeed, parallels have also been drawn between Atkinson and Chaplin.

And that is fair enough. But Chaplin had one thing over Atkinson – success in AMERICA.

The Mr Bean and Johnny English movies have enjoyed extraordinary success around the World – but done ZIP in the States.

Typically, a movie that does well in what Hollywood calls the Foreign Market grosses about twice as much there – as in what it calls the Domestic Market. But not Bean and English.

Bean cost a mere US$22M to make and netted only that, in America. But the Rest Of The World netted it another NINETY-odd million (the gross being double that figure – the theatres get the other half).

Six years later (Atkinson never RUSHES things) Johnny English was released, having cost US$35M – and netted just 14 Stateside. But the Rest Of The World returned SIXTY-FIVE big ones.

Another four years and Bean’s sequel emerged, costing US$25 to produce and the US gave it just 16. While The Rest Of The World came across with ninety-two.

And now, four MORE years down the line, Johnny Reborn (featuring agents Barclay and Carte) has (so far – it’s still out there) turned US$45M into just a piddling FOUR in America – but seventy-three large elsewhere. And counting.

All of which is bizarre. Yes, the characters are British – but then, so was Chaplin. Why doesn’t America GET Atkinson?

Granted, The Rest Of The World is BOUND to love Bean – it’s great comedy, with no language barrier. And while English has dialogue, most of the COMEDY is still VISUAL.

And while many of the foreign issues of the English movies have Bean in their titles (which is a cheat, since the two characters are entirely different, but hey, you have to PROMOTE – in any case, ultimately a movie sells on its APPEAL, not its title) their success is a result of word-of-mouth. They’re FUNNY.

Here in Thailand, Britain means two things – Manchester United and Mr Bean. And this scribbler suspects the same is true elsewhere.

But over in The Land Of The Free, Rowan is still largely unknown. Of course, reportedly being worth over a hundred million quid (POUNDS, not US dollars) he may not care.

He lives a comfortable, but not ostentatious life. One wife. A couple of kids. His sole indulgence is owning and driving (and occasionally crashing) fast, expensive cars.

He is only a couple of years younger than this reporter, but wears it well – he still has HAIR.

He has campaigned for free speech in comedy. Manages to conceal a stammer by emphasising his Bs. Is by all accounts a charming if rather unassuming chap – some would even say boring.

But for over FORTY YEARS, he has turned out a brilliant, consistent body of work that should have earned him a frickin’ KNIGHTHOOD, by now. Maybe if America had understood him…

Footnote: ROWAN Bean? Yes – the name is glimpsed in his passport, in Mr Bean’s Holiday (Vacation). So now you know!

Damien on… I’ve Told You A Million Times – Don’t Exaggerate

We all know what a thousand is – and a million. However, most people think the next multiple is the billion – but they are WRONG.

The numbers go thusly – a thousand: a one with three zeros after it – a million: six zeros – a milliard: nine – a billion: twelve – a billiard (nothing to do with the game): fifteen – a trillion: eighteen – a trilliard: twenty-one – and a quadrillion: twenty-four zeros.

After that (if absolutely necessary) you can go to a quintillion (thirty zeros) a sextillion (thirty-six) a septillion (forty-two) an octillion (forty-eight) and so on.

Simple – until the Americans got involved.

Despite the billion being perfectly content as a million million (bi- meaning TWO: as in bicycle, bisexual, bifocals, etc.) and the trillion likewise, as a million million million (tri- meaning THREE: as in tricycle, triangle, trident, etc.) they decided to CHANGE things.

It’s what they do. The rest of the World has 50Hz power, so they alone went with 60Hz. We have PAL/Secam – they have NTSC (never twice the same colour). Our AC current comes at 220 volts – theirs at 110. And it’s the same with shoe sizes, date/month, gallons, etc.

They ALWAYS have to be DIFFERENT, so they unilaterally decided to make a thousand million a billion and a million million a trillion – despite simple grammar dictating otherwise.

Thus the Orders Of Magnitude became split into Short Scale (America) and Long Scale (the rest of the World).

But America, while not being the most advanced or developed nation on Earth, IS the most powerful – thus it was not long before other countries began adopting THEIR misbegotten numbering system.

So what to do? Well – these days, the million and billion are slowly fading from use. Smart people are now only using thousand and million (at least America hasn’t mucked up THOSE).

Thus a one with nine zeros is now being described as a thousand million – rather than a billion (Short Scale). And one with twelve, a million million – rather than a billion (Long Scale) or trillion (Short Scale). It avoids confusion.

While numbers GREATER than 1,000,000,000,000 (Long billion or Short trillion) are usually only used in Science – and are thus expressed as powers anyway (i.e., the aforementioned number would be 10¹² – ten to the twelfth).

And so THIS time we can CIRCUMVENT America’s crassness. Pity we can’t do the same with all the OTHER crap we’ve inherited from them…

Damien on… The Death Of Fiction

Elsewhere in these columns, this chronicler has detailed the death of original melodies, Pop music, James Bond, etc. So, now – fiction.

The problem is that these entertainments have been with us for a long time – and at some point, the writers simply HAD to run out of ideas.

Films, books, TV – in short, mass entertainment – have used up millions of creative thoughts, over the last century. And now there are few left.

And in fiction, on the rare occasion some scribe DOES have an original notion – it gets done to DEATH in pretty short order. Cases in point…

Anthony Shaffer wrote a play called “Sleuth” in 1970. This writer is not about to ruin it for you by detailing the plot. Suffice to say it is a HONEY – but has a weak third act.

Two years later, the movie emerged, starring Caine and Olivier. Then, in 2007, a remake was tried – this time with Caine playing Olivier’s part and Jude Law playing Caine’s (he played Caine’s part in the remake of “Alfie” too).

And this time, the third act was rewritten – by no less than Harold Pinter – but it still didn’t work.

In the same year, 1970, Richard Matheson wrote a short story called “Button, Button” – named after the child’s game. In it, a woman is given a box with a button in it.

All she has to do is press it and a stranger will DIE – and she will receive a large amount of money.

Inspired, no doubt, by Orson’s “cuckoo-clock” speech in “The Third Man” – this too began a long life.

First, it turned up as a 1986 “Twilight Zone” revival episode, then got expanded to a 2009 Cameron Diaz vehicle called “The Box”.

And it was finally made (WITHOUT attribution) into a British TV movie called “The Reckoning”, with Ricky Gervais’ chum in “Extras” as the woman in question – but this time, she actually has to kill the stranger HERSELF.

But again, the result was a mess – another example of a great idea stretched too thin.

One superb notion that fared better was “12:01 pm” – another short story, this time written by Richard Lupoff, in 1973.

This one concerned a man caught in a “time-bounce” (these days it would be called a time-loop) lasting just one hour.

It first surfaced on the screen in 1990, as a short-story-TV episode, in a latter-day Twilight Zone clone.

The director, Jonathan Heap, saw the potential in the concept and with Lupoff and another, wrote a TV movie based on it – but this time stretching the one-hour loop into twenty-four.

Then the idea got PINCHED and used in the theatrical movie, “Groundhog Day” (although lawyers said the concept was too “general” and a court case would be pointless).

But the point of all the above is this: all THREE plot ideas came from the early Seventies – and got done to DEATH.

And since that time, original “high-concept” story ideas have been as rare as rocking-horse doo-doo.

More recently, a mini-series called “FlashForward” – based on Robert J Sawyer’s 1999 novel – displayed another original idea: the entire population of the World simultaneously collapses for 137 seconds.

And when they come around (those who do not DIE – a two minute, seventeen second “blackout” is DANGEROUS) most recall having had dreams that seem to be a prediction of what will happen to them, six months hence.

So far, it has only hit the small screen as a mini-series – but next…?

Damien on… Baths Versus Showers

In Britain, baths (in the US – tubs) used to be long enough for you to stretch out in. Today, water conservation (not required because of a lack of water – it never stops RAINING in Britain these days – but rather thanks to the commercialisation – sorry, “privatisation” of the water companies) has caused them to become as TINY as possible – squeezed in at the middle and SHORT.

But to be fair – as a method of cleaning the whole body (their original purpose) they are horribly inefficient. In addition to using up a lot of water, they use up a lot of SPACE too – both no-nos, nowadays.

Plus now, most people wash their whole bodies at least once a DAY – not once a WEEK, like they did in times of yore. Do that in a BATH and the water companies WILL wet themselves. No – SHOWERS are the only practical alternative.

And here in Thailand, all houses use the ENTIRE BATHROOM as the shower (the tiled floor gently slopes to the drain hole and you buy a giant windscreen wiper on a stick to clear the remaining water from the floor, so you don’t go base-over-apex when you go in to use the LOO).

So – baths have had their day, right? Well – NO.

Today, baths are somewhere to RELAX. To soak away the stress of daily living. To just go, “Aaaaaaah!”

You can still buy ‘em: in fact re-enamelled long, Victorian models used to cost a pretty penny – until companies started making the long ones again.

And you can get ones that have bubble-makers, too (although the noise from the pump is intrusive – put it in the next room, on rubber mounts). Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

But then, there is still all that WATER they use – plus the room they take up. And you just get relaxed, then some spoilsport wants to use the damn TOILET – to take a DUMP.

The solution? Simple. Allocate (or construct) a room as the LITERAL bathroom. Then plumb in a LONG bath – with that bubble-maker (OUTSIDE) complete with a water re-heater. Add some soft lighting, reflective music, joss-sticks and there you are. Resist peeing in it and you can reuse the water, too.

Then you will have a shower for cleaning and a bathroom for just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

————————————————————————————————-

UPDATE!!! [added on 22nd November, 2011]

For DECADES, conservationistas have banged on about how showers SAVE WATER, right? Well, it turns out they were talking BOLLOCKS!

Their figures were based on the assumption people would have as many baths as showers (RUBBISH – they don’t have the TIME) and that they spent only five minutes in the shower.

Horsefeathers! I take around TEN minutes. And it turns out I’m not alone (I mean, not alone in taking my TIME – sadly, I’m usually alone while I’m IN there). A recent survey reveals the ACTUAL average is more like EIGHT minutes.

Add to this the far GREATER number of times people use showers, compared with the number if they were using baths – and it transpires the REDUCTION in water consumption is MINIMAL.

And those with POWER SHOWERS actually use MORE!!!

Damien on… The Secret Life Of Baby-Wipes

While early forms of The Wipe appeared in the Fifties – it was not until the Seventies that, thanks to synthetic materials, they really took off.

Like “Silly Putty” they were an invention for which there was no clear use. However, it was not long before commercial companies began suggesting some.

Initially, they were sold as Baby Wipes, Comfort Wipes – to “finish off” wiping ADULT bottoms, “Wet Wipes” – sold mainly to fast-food restaurants and ”Moist Towelettes” – targeted at airlines, as an alternative to “freshen-up” towels (which were NOT disposable).

Strangely, the application for adult bottoms never really took off.

Then, when the cost was realised, airlines stopped using them, too.

And most restaurants figured they were a bit twee (plus KFC claimed their chicken was “Finger-Lickin’ Good” – a philosophy that wipes ran COUNTER to).

Thus today, they are mostly only used by mothers, for babies – and OCD types (like “Monk”) for EVERYTHING.

But while not (recently) possessing a BABY – or being majorly OCD – this historian has used ‘em for YEARS.

Indeed, they ARE useful for that “finishing off” purpose listed above (although, being synthetic, they will not dissolve in septic tanks, so must be disposed of in a bin).

And thanks to their astringent quality, they also come in handy after shaving, or suffering a mild cut or graze.

Plus, having a GENTLE cleaning effect, they are useful for cleaning everything from this computer’s keyboard, through mobile phones, TV screens – you name it. They are safe on ALL plastics – thus can clean MOST of what we own today.

And one can easily buy them in a plastic box, from which one can PEEL OFF the “Baby Wipes” label. After which they become merely – Wipes. Then, for as long as the spring in the lid holds out, one buys refill packs.

I go through a pack a week…

Damien on… National Stupidity

I am an ex-pat Brit living, this last decade, in Thailand.

Thais habitually do some STUPID things. But then again, so do Brits.

And if one were to compile a list – the Thais would come out on TOP.

Their attitude to life is WAY more positive than MY race.

However, sometimes even the natives of The Land Of Smiles do things that make you want to KICK them. Case in point…

Many years ago, I constructed a bird-feeder. I had originally strewn bird-seed on the garden – until two LBBs (little brown birds) got nailed by a CAT. Yes, I feed birds – but not to cats.

These days cats avoid my garden, since it now contains two DOGS I rescued – but that is another story.

The bird-feeder soon became a bird-and-SQUIRREL-feeder. It turns out squirrels like bird-seed. And it turns out birds do NOT like squirrels (I think they eat their eggs) so they sit in the adjacent bush and twitter angrily, when they come to feed.

But the squirrels are cute, hanging from the tree-trunk by their back legs, craning out to nibble the seed. And they don’t eat much – or stay too long – so are welcome also.

Which brings me to the POINT of this monograph. The Thais think me MAD for spending MONEY on seed – to feed WILD birds.

But then – they CATCH wild birds and put them in cages in their gardens. And there, day after day, these poor creatures sit. Watching the World go by – from a PRISON.

Whereas MY birds (and squirrels) come and go as they PLEASE.

And it only cost me ten pence (16c) a day for their company.

So NOW who’s mad?

Damien on… The Truth About Sildenafil Citrate

…which, since it involves big corporations and governments, is a saga of greed, incompetence and rank stupidity.

For those who don’t know, sildenafil citrate is the generic name for …a brand name that rhymes with Niagara. But since this historian has no desire to be SUED by a certain company whose name rhymes with None The Wiser, he’ll state right now that the following in no way relates to any real product, event or company. Okay?

This writer first heard about sildenafil citrate, when it was just ending its FDA trials. At that point, it didn’t HAVE a brand name. And since the FDA have to PUBLISH their findings, a friend got him the results off the Interweb (he didn’t have a computer in those days).

Whilst most of the report was technical, one didn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know what “penile tumescence” meant. Your Humble Scribe realised this would be big (so to speak) – and waited for more news.

Over the next few months, it emerged that the price at the factory gates for these wonder-pills would be £4.75 (around $7.50) per pill – REGARDLESS of the SIZE – 25mg, 50mg and 100mg. Huh? What sense did THAT make?

It further emerged that 100mg would be too strong for most people (it’d make their eyes go funny) while 25mg would do little. However 50mg would – like the Third Bear’s Porridge – be just right.

This turned out to be the FIRST cock-up committed by those in charge of the discovery. Oh yes, let’s be clear on THAT. Rhymes with Niagara wasn’t INVENTED – it was stumbled upon by ACCIDENT, when None The Wiser were running clinical trials on what they hoped would be a drug to help sufferers from angina.

It didn’t work, but only when the test subjects proved reluctant to part with the unused pills did None The Wiser realize they might be ON to something!

Anyhay, apparently no-one at None The Wiser CONSIDERED that people MIGHT just think of CUTTING the 100mg sizes of their HIGH-priced wonder-pills in TWO. After a couple of YEARS had passed, they belatedly advised people NOT to – as it would affect the drug’s absorption rate (make it work FASTER – so?)

Cock-up number two was with the MARKETING. Although to be fair to None The Wiser, it wasn’t entirely their fault. The thing is, people STILL think of drugs as being one of only TWO types. Those you take to cure an ILL – and those you score from a guy called Big Louie on a street-corner.

But of course, for some time now, there has been a THIRD category – “lifestyle drugs”. These can make you smarter, faster, hornier or hairier – whatever you need. But since all drugs have MANY effects, some medical supervision is useful (like, hairy-pills make you grow breasts).

And that was the problem for None The Wiser, since there really are few facilities for marketing these drugs, outside of the Interweb. Thus they elected to market rhymes with Niagara as a MEDICINE (the word appears FREQUENTLY on the patient information leaflet).

Which it really ISN’T. Sildenafil citrate merely reduces the BACK-FLOW of blood FROM the penis, like a cock-ring (which have been around for MILLENNIA – but of course, a pill is a lot less INVASIVE) and will NOT cause blood to flow INTO the penis – and is therefore USELESS as a cure for impotence.

It merely gives you more CONTROL, so that miaowing cat, or noisy party, or sudden realisation that you left your car-keys in the ignition – or any other distraction that causes you to lose your concentration on the job in hand - doesn’t cause you to lose your ERECTION.

So, rhymes with Niagara was just a very useful LIFESTYLE drug. But its discoverers understandably didn’t want their new wonder-drug consigned to the plethora of products available on the Interweb, which claim to make you lose pounds in days – or live forever – or become INVISIBLE.

Thus they went the medical route. But they botched it. In Britain, once this scribbler heard what the pills were going to retail for, he worked out that if the National Health Service issued them on prescription on DEMAND – it would cost them around £4 BILLION a year. A few months later, a newspaper (well – the Daily Mail) did the same sums and belatedly came to the same conclusion.

But there were still several months to go before the pills would be on sale, so both None The Wiser and the British government had plenty of time to work out a sensible solution to the problem. Like, given that the production cost of sildenafil citrate is PENNIES, reduce the price by 40% to the NHS – None The Wiser would STILL have made a PACKET - and then let the NHS issue them one pill per prescription charge. Simple – and they’d BOTH have made a packet.

However, this simple answer didn’t occur to EITHER party and the whole business turned into a FIASCO. This reporter had a friendly doctor who gave him prescriptions for FREE – and he then haggled pharmacists down to £7 a pill. So £3.50 a pop, then.

But many others paid ABSURD prices for “consultations” with greedy quacks (three questions and a blood-pressure test – a first year medical student could do it in forty-five seconds) and even MORE absurd prices for the pills themselves.

Eventually “copy-cat” drugs emerged. But their manufacturers followed the precedent established by None The Wiser – called them medicines and issued pills (all sizes the same price) that were still horribly expensive, thus effectively inviting purchasers to continue cutting them.

But today, None The Wiser’s copyright having run out, LEGITIMATE, professionally-manufactured GENERICS are available. In India, the 100mg sildenafil citrate pills sell for 37 rupees each. About £0.50 (80 cents). That’s 25 PENCE (40 cents) a pop.

In Thailand, yours truly gets ‘em (imported from India) for £2 ($3) each – or £1 ($1.50) a pop – no prescription required. But back in Blighty – and in America – people are STILL being ripped off.

And it could all have been SO different. Like with the fatuous and unwinnable War On Drugs, had a little commonsense prevailed, for the last decade, people would have been able to enjoy man’s greatest technical achievement in the field of CHEMISTRY – as well as those in electronics, engineering and so on – CHEAPLY and FREELY.

Instead of which, the whole enterprise has been besmirched by rip-off corporations and bedevilled by bureaucratic bullshit.

It’ll be the same with genetic research, stem-cell research…

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

UPDATE! I wrote the above piece YEARS ago – but it appears little has changed since.

Recently, a bloke in Britain got busted for selling “fake” rhymes with Niagara. Except the pills were the Indian ones I spoke of above, which are NOT FAKE – but GENERICS. There is a WORLD of difference.

“Fake” drugs are often manufactured in dismal, unsanitary conditions and contain all SORTS of substances. Whereas the generics in question are PROPERLY and LEGITIMATELY manufactured.

And since the Indian brand name was specified – I’m surprised the company did not SUE.

I further learn that supermarkets have now joined in the selling of sildenafil citrate pills – playing the role of PHARMACISTS. They do as I described above – ask a few questions and take a blood-pressure test.

But the pills they sell are still rhymes with Niagara – at only slightly less than the original highly inflated price.

So why do they not sell GENERICS? Apparently, it is because they have not been “approved”.

Now, I’m no expert on the laws regarding pharmaceuticals – but surely, if a drug is a GENERIC of a drug that has already been approved, it enjoys the same status. Right?

Only if its quality is below par, should it have a problem – which is the case with ANY generic drug.

Then there is the issue of PRESCRIPTIONS. In Britain, there are four classes of medicinal drugs: the most potent can only be issued in a hospital, while most other drugs can be issued by a pharmacist, on production of a prescription. Then there are SLIGHTLY potent drugs which can be issued off prescription, but only under the “supervision” of a qualified pharmacist – and finally, “soft” drugs that can be sold anywhere.

I’m not including “herbal remedies” – which are a whole other thing.

But whether sildenafil citrate’s status is prescription-only or sold-by-a-pharmacist seems to be a cloudy issue.

Then there is that SIZE. 50mg pills cost TWICE as much as half-100mg ones – but (as described in my original piece) cutting them is FROWNED on…

And of course, since sildenafil citrate is not a “controlled” drug (i.e – ILLEGAL) one can always buy them over the Interweb. Which is where the “trafficker” got it wrong. If he had bought the Indian generics and despatched them from ABROAD, he would not have run foul of British law.

However, some of his shipments might have been intercepted in the POST.

Which brings us to ANOTHER “cloudy issue” – the status of ALL LEGITIMATE imported materials.

I recall that before I escaped Britain, I used to go on an annual pilgrimage to the Algarve, in Portugal – to buy my year’s supply of CIGARETTES.

Since in Britain, cigarettes are taxed at LITERALLY A THOUSAND PERCENT – many people use the 1993 Single European Act to save themselves A GRAND a year, by going abroad to buy them.

In fact, there are MANY items where purchasing them in Europe can save you a packet – like CARS. The only limitation is you cannot resell the item(s). Although with cars, I believe there is a time limit (no-one wants to drive a car for EVER – not even a VOLVO). 

However, HMG does not like its citizens avoiding (not EVADING) tax – so harasses them at every opportunity. Like the time they introduced a THIRD “gate” at airports, for those who had purchased items within Europe. An obvious attempt to intimidate those purchasers.

Although, as I understand it, they dumped the idea before it had started.

Nevertheless, as with the status of sildenafil citrate, the procedures for European “personal imports” are VAGUE, to say the least.

Like with fags, you can import up to TEN THOUSAND (the 400 is just a “guideline” – it means you won’t be HASSLED by HM Customs) from within Europe. Which is a reasonable year’s supply. That’s one case, containing fifty cartons – which is five hundred packs. Over the year, around 27 cigarettes a day.

But if you are intercepted by Customs, you are “required to prove they are solely for your own use” – so how the hell do you do THAT?

If challenged, I would have pointed out the fags were FOREIGN – and thus could not be sold “over the counter” in Blighty. Further, that they were all the same brand. And that I was a smoker. And that I had no connection with any form of “distributor”. And that I only did one trip a year (although with no stamps in my passport – Europe doesn’t bother anymore – I would have had no way of proving that).

And finally, that given “black market” ciggies cost LESS than I had PAID for them – it’d hardly be worth my time.

I could then have produced a few upstanding British citizens who would have been happy to declare that to the best of their knowledge and belief, I did indeed go on an annual sabbatical to buy my fags – then smoke them, over the year.

This would probably have sufficed – the only way I could have TOTALLY PROVEN my case would have been to have had a Customs officer personally ACCOMPANY me for the year. Hopefully, an attractive FEMALE one (if such exists).

Actually, one almost feels SYMPATHY for HM Customs – HMG has made their job IMPOSSIBLE.

Every day, thousands of PLEBS do Channel-crossings to Calais and load up with “cheap” (not so much) booze and fags – there are hypermarkets that specially cater for them. At one point, British cigarette manufacturers used to ship their products over there – so they could be brought straight BACK and resold in Britain.

But then, HMG made them label the packs “UK tax not paid” – thus driving the trade underground.

Plus Customs were given (somewhat fascist) powers to CONFISCATE vehicles that had been used for smuggling (one wonders how THAT little ploy worked out, when said vehicles had been RENTED?)

Then eventually, LEGITIMATE personal importers began REVOLTING and started taking Customs to COURT. Several cases ensued, which Customs usually LOST – at great financial cost and embarrassment to themselves.

Furthermore, an increasing number of travellers began objecting to the harassment they received from Customs – pointing out that every time they returned from a holiday, they were made to feel like criminals, when they were doing nothing WRONG.

They also pointed out that the OTHER citizens of Europe didn’t have to go through this crap every time THEY crossed a border. Indeed, some of Europe’s borders are so “casual” – you can cross one without even NOTICING.

Only in cold, eternally-wet, miserable, over-priced BRITAIN, do people have these problems.

Which is one more reason this boy is GLAD to have escaped the damn country. Here in Thailand, fags are eighty pence a pack, sildenafil citrate costs a pound a pop (no prescription) and even in the Rainy Season – it don’t rain ALL BLOODY DAY.

No wonder Thailand is known as The Land Of Smiles…

Damien on… “Happy Holidays”

Makes you sick, doesn’t it? How no-one dares to say “Happy CHRISTMAS” in public anymore? WHY??

Well of course, it’s all down to “political correctness”. America and Britain are now “multi-cultural” – and we wouldn’t want to offend non-Christians, now would we?

And suggestions that in foreign counties, their citizens would not DREAM of dropping their equivalents of “Happy Ramadan”, “Happy Passover”, “Happy Vesak”, “Happy Pongal” or “Happy Vaisakhi” – fall on deaf ears.

“Ah, but those countries are mono-cultural.” REALLY??

The reality is that ALL countries have SEVERAL religions – the “official” one merely predominating (usually). But THAT religion’s special day is referred to PROPERLY – not as “holiday”.

And who says Britain and America are multi-cultural anyway?

During the last years that figures are available for, both Britain’s and America’s NON-Christian populations accounted for only FIVE PERCENT of their total populations.

Five percent.

One could understand the reticence of some people to talk of Christmas if that figure were fifty percent. Even thirty percent. But FIVE percent??

Furthermore, in the last UK census, a quarter of the population declared themselves to be anything from Atheist to Jedi Knights (390,000 of those – but maybe they were taking the piss).

And of the three-quarters who put Christian, it is a fair bet that had they been interviewed in depth – many would REALLY have been AGNOSTIC.

And America’s last census produced similar results (although they didn’t count Jedi Knights separately).

Fact is, for most these days, Christmas is just a CONCEPT. A time when people are NICE to each other. Give presents. Eat too much food. Drink too much alcohol. The Christian dimension was LONG ago swallowed up by Coca-Cola Santas and Toys ‘R’ Us (WordPress doesn’t DO a backwards “R”).

So why can’t we just go back to TRADITION? For once, put the politically-correct bullshit behind us and say to everyone, without fear – “Happy CHRISTMAS, mate!”

Damien on… America… AGAIN!

I just read this on BBC News (or else I wouldn’t have BELIEVED it)…

“Two US men face charges in Denver for allegedly driving around with the body of a friend after discovering him dead.

The pair bought drinks, dinner and took $400 (£253) from Jeffrey Jarrett’s bank, visiting a strip club before reporting his death, police said.

Robert Young, 43, and Mark Rubinson, 25, are charged with identity theft, criminal impersonation and abuse of a corpse.”

…I thought “Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead” was just a MOVIE!!!

Damien on… A Tale Of Old Las Vegas

George Endfield had had enough of Las Vegas – or “Lost Wages”, as he now thought of it – his earnings had been reduced to a sum sufficient only to get him back to L.A.

But as he walked to the Greyhound bus station, he suddenly heard an eerie voice – “Go back to Las Vegas… go back to Las Vegas…”

He looked around at the nearby pedestrians – but it seemed only HE had heard the voice. He turned back towards The Strip.

As he walked past the garish lights, he heard the voice once more – “Go to Caesar’s Palace… go to Caesar’s Palace…”

He walked into the grand entrance. Now the voice said – “Play Roulette… play Roulette…”

He sat down at the Roulette table and the voice said – “Play seven red… play seven red…”

George placed his last fifty bucks – the money he had retained for his bus fare home – on seven red.

Twenty-four black came up.

The voice said – “How about that?”

    

[My name's Damien - don't forget to tip your waitress.]

Damien on… “People Carriers”

So what dickhead that came up with THAT? People carriers. Why not call a cup a drinks carrier? Or how about calling your wallet your money carrier?

I mean, ANY vehicle that carries more than one person is by simple DEFINITION a people carrier. A bus. A coach. A car. A motorbike with a pillion seat. Even a frickin’ TANDAM is a people carrier.

Of course what we understand from the term is what, in my day, used to be called a MINIBUS – a van with seats and windows.

And any bloke forced to buy one just to cart his immediate family around was considered to be a man with no control over his trousers.

A basic three-box CAR could carry a man, his wife and up to three children. Only a Catholic needed more.

But now we see all these damn “people carriers”. Who ARE these people with so little control – they need a frickin’ MINIBUS to transport the results of their libido?

Damien on… Killer Trolley-Dollies

The other day, Your Humble Scribe heard something that made him drop his cigarette in his lap. It seems a plane made a crash-landing and everyone survived the impact. But then, a dopey stewardess grabbed her mic and told everyone to REMAIN SEATED – and she later got a COMMENDATION for her performance during the emergency.

Now, here is a FACT: the passengers who DIE when a plane crash-lands – are the dummies who SIT THERE, waiting to be TOLD WHAT TO DO.

If THIS writer had been on that plane, he would have been at the nearest EXIT by the time it slithered to a halt – and half-way down the emergency chute before the idiot trolley-dolly had opened her mouth. And anyone attempting to stop him would now be missing TEETH.

So listen: should YOU be lucky enough to survive a crash – do NOT just sit there. Put at least five hundred yards between you and the plane IMMEDIATELY.

As any airman will tell you: if you walk (or better yet, run) away from it – it’s a LANDING!

Damien on… “Viral” Videos

…are IMPOSSIBLE to CREATE. For instance, a commercial company is currently trying to make one fly – with Jennifer Aniston – on Metacafe. However, MY first viral is on that service and she hasn’t caught up with THAT yet. My Action Squirrel still reigns supreme over JENNIFER ANISTON, for crissakes!

The funny thing is, when I first created him, I did so just for myself and a few friends. Then, when I began YouTubing, I decided to give him a go at the Big Time. He was up for three months – and ZILCH.

So I figured I’d give him a go on Metacafe – and WHAMMO!

Overnight, he got FIVE THOUSAND HITS. Then, over the next few weeks, he ramped up to a QUARTER OF A MILLION. Three months more – though slowing a bit – he still managed to pass the HALF-MILLION mark.

He’s slowed even more now – but like the Energiser Bunny, he’s still going! Currently, another six months on, he has SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND HITS – TWICE as many as Jennifer!

But then, you never know WHAT will go viral – or for how long. A number of my pieces have SHOT off – then TANKED around ten thousand.

Altogether, my one thousand, six hundred-plus uploads have produced about twenty big-hitters (six-figure earners – between a hundred thousand and one million hits). But they are just steady PLODDERS. They’ve taken up to TWO YEARS to reach those heights.

The ones that are REALLY interesting, from the HITS standpoint (which are not really the REASON for uploading – but it IS nice when you get ‘em) are the two I currently have which are heading for the TWO MILLION mark. But only ONE is truly VIRAL.

Let me elucidate (which at my age, can be dangerous) – my Pop video of Tears For Fears’ “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” has done very well. After (like my squirrel piece) doing ZILCH for, in this case, TWO months – it suddenly started to CLIMB. Here’s its stats…

As can clearly be seen, the piece has done well throughout the Americas and over the last eight months has done a steady linear climb to around twelve thousand hits a day – having on its way picked up nearly a million and a half hits. But it is NOT VIRAL – just a really good earner.

On the other hand, my video of Tom Mullica performing his amazing comedy magic routine where he (sort of) EATS CIGARETTES, did nada for nearly EIGHT months – then suddenly went BALLISTIC, climbing to nearly SEVENTY thousand hits a day. However, as can be seen below, it only lasted for ten weeks – having now dropped back to just EIGHT thousand-odd a day.

But DURING those ten weeks, it glommed ONE AND THREE QUARTER MILLION HITS! Look at the GRAPH! THAT is a VIRAL VIDEO!

This time, it was a hit only in NORTH America – plus Australia and Britain. The places where smoking is most rabidly demonised. One suspects the piece was a kind of PORNOGRAPHY there.

But the point is this: while something like the Tears For Fears video can last for DECADES, a true viral video is OF THE MOMENT. Like a REAL virus, it “infects” the World for a WHILE – then crashes and burns.

Although, eight thousand hits a day is still not to be sneezed at. In fact now, this uploader is fascinated to see which of them will hit the two million mark FIRST. Tom Mullica may be a quarter-million ahead, but Tears For Fears are currently getting fifty percent more hits – and RISING.

It’s a RACE, baby!

UPDATE! It turned out to be a DAMN CLOSE one, too! Five weeks and four days later: Tears For Fears WON the race – by just SIX HOURS!

Damien on… The Poverty Gap

I am not rich – but I live in a low-economy country – thus am an economic migrant in reverse.

And as such, I have occasionally felt slightly guilty, when taking delivery of an item from workers I KNOW could never afford the “luxuries” I possess.

Like my big, flatscreen TV – with a 250W 6-channel sound system – upon which I can view movies on DVD, in the living room, without the inconvenience of actually going to the movies.

Although in the land of my birth, the system would hardly be thought of as the height of opulence.

And like my sauna.

For me, this item is an essential and this being a hot country, is only single-skin – and thus only set me back five hundred pounds.

And as I keep it in good order, it has so far lasted me about nine years – and with continued attention, it should go on to last me for the rest of my life (on paper, about another twenty years).

Therefore, by World standards, I consider myself to be a middle-income individual. And as such, I am content. I do not envy ANYONE.

But when I recently saw GoldVish’s million-dollar diamond-encrusted MOBILE PHONE – steam came from my EARS. It had obviously been created for a Trump, Hilton or drug baron – and I wanted to reach out, seize the obscenity, dash it to the ground and jump repeatedly on it until it was SMASHED TO BITS.

“ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?” I yelled.

Oh, don’t get me wrong – I do not envy rich folks their YACHTS. If I had the bread, I might get one too. But that is different. A yacht GOES places. It houses you. The ultimate mobile home. Although if it had gold-plated taps…

The thing is, there is rich, ostentatious – and just plain SICK.

This World still has millions of people in it who cannot get enough to EAT – and then someone goes and makes a thing like THAT.

Inevitably, it reminded me of a Rolex watch I once bought. It cost me eight pounds, in Bangkok.

When I returned (THAT time) to England, I compared it with the “genuine” article, in a posh jeweller’s window. The two were identical – except theirs cost over TWO THOUSAND pounds.

It kept perfect time, however it looked a bit CAMP to me, so I GAVE IT AWAY – to a LADY.

But it got me thinking. What was the DIFFERENCE between those two watches? Well, mine probably didn’t have a thermocompensated movement – thus instead of being accurate to a second a month, it might wander off by as much as TEN seconds a month.

But then if THAT bothered me, I could always get a “radio” watch. They are accurate to GOD standard, being corrected every hour by a broadcast time-signal – yet can still be purchased for less than fifty pounds.

The thing is, in The Good Old Days, watches made by the likes of Rolex, Longines and TAG Heuer had a POINT.

While cheap and cheerful timepieces like the ubiquitous Timex would be accurate to the minute – provided you corrected them by “the pips” every night and remembered to wind them – if you wanted a serious watch – one that would wind ITSELF and kept time to within fifteen seconds a MONTH – you had to part with serious CASH for it. Fair enough.

But when “tuning fork” watches and then far cheaper and even more accurate QUARTZ ones entered the personal timekeeping arena – high-tech MECHANICAL watches had had their DAY.

Or thus it SHOULD have been, except Rolex discovered that – against all logic – there were still pseuds with more money than sense who were willing to part with shedfulls of dosh for a “classic” STATUS SYMBOL.

Okay, like P.T. Barnham once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute” – and long before that, the idiom, “A fool and his money are soon parted” was being quoted. So f*** ‘em – right?

Right. But the thing that boils my onions is when, every couple of years, some SE Asian uniformed prat puts on their regular display (for The West) of a strip of seized “fake” (but perfectly serviceable) Rolex watches – and proceeds to drive a STEAM-ROLLER over them.

If I Ruled The World, I would lay down a strip of PEOPLE who had purchased “genuine” Rolex watches – and drive a steam-roller over THEM.

Damien on… Financial Short Circuits

Now let me see if I have this right: Comcast now owns NBC – and NBC owns Universal – and Universal owns BMG.

So if BMG bought Comcast – would Wall Street EXPLODE?

Damien on… The Middle East: The Cradle Of Civilisation

…at least, it SHOULD have been.

First, let the author clear up one important point: this piece is NOT about any specific race, ethnicity, creed, religion, country or nationality.

Rather, it is about several races, ethnicities, creeds, religions – and a LARGE number of countries and nationalities.

Both in the Middle East and outside of it.

Today, most people assume civilisation began in Europe. This is because Europe is the most advanced region of our modern World.

But scholars know that the occupants of the Middle East had a head-start of several thousand years on The West.

However, they BLEW it – and were not helped by The West.

If the occupants of The Middle East – an area that grew to encompass the top of Africa, The Stans and Central Asia – had got their arses in gear, they would have had a settlement on MARS by now.

But no. Their gathering into tribes, who then spent the next ten millennia kicking the crap out of each other, have left them short of entering the TWENTIETH century – let alone the twenty-first.

And when the ancient Greeks – then the Romans – then modern Europe – overtook them, THEY hardly helped.

The colonialists exploited the Middle East – but then pulled out, just before realising the natives were sitting on top of a shit-load of OIL.

Of course, it was not really their fault. At the time they pulled out, most people did not yet own cars – and most power stations ran on COAL. Thus oil was not really a big deal.

But after WW2, it became the life-blood of Western civilisation.

And if The West had had any sense, they would have reoccupied the countries they had formerly exploited – and exploited them a whole heap MORE.

However, having “nobly” pulled out to allow their old empire regions to “prosper” – they could hardly have done so, without appearing despotic.

And so instead, they poured obscene amounts of money into the hands of the LOCAL despots who now ran the countries.

Said despots would then spend their time sitting around wondering how many new Royces and Mercs to buy that year – and how much oil money they could screw out of the Western countries, to pay for them.

They would no more have considered sharing their oil wealth with their country’s citizens than a Texas landowner would have considered sharing HIS – with his CATTLE.

And while earlier, in France, the citizens had taken matters into their own hands and parted their despots from their heads – their Middle-Eastern equivalents had been brought up to RESPECT their “betters”.

Plus, thanks to Western politicians who had grown fat on the table-scraps thrown to them by the despots, said despots were now heavily ARMED.

Thus a status quo emerged where sycophantic, but powerful Westerners protected these nouveau riche primitives – and plied them with more money than they or their families could ever spend.

But now, that money is running OUT.

And so belatedly, The West is trying to regain control of the region.

But the farcical to-ings and fro-ings of its efforts have resulted in more chaos than would have occurred if they had just manned up and retaken control of the countries, stripping them of their black gold.

And the COST of these efforts – both direct and indirect – have been PHENOMENAL.

But trying to MANAGE the region is akin to trying to stop seventeen tigers in a small cage from ripping each others’ throats out.

So what is the solution?

F***ed if I know.

Damien on… Cruelty To Animals

We have all heard about live cats being thrown into boiling water and eaten, in certain parts of China. And the treatment meted out to dogs in certain areas of Korea.

And the River Of Blood “ceremony” (holocaust would be a better word) in Japan – where hundreds of dolphins are corralled into a river, then stabbed to death in a frenzy by “fishermen” (dolphins, as any moron knows, are not fish – but highly intelligent MAMMALS).

And yet this slaughter persists, year after year, in a World that we THINK of as “civilized”.

Look, I am a meat-eater, okay? So I eat bits of CATTLE – which are bred for the purpose and humanely killed. They are NOT self-aware – despite people calling them “Daisy”.

But cats and dogs – which are VERY self-aware – were bred by us as COMPANIONS. They RELY on us to treat them properly.

And while dolphins are WILD animals, they are JUST as intelligent as cats and dogs. We should NOT be eating FLIPPER.

However, recently I have noticed how our species seems to have TOTALLY given up at any pretence of caring for the other species who inhabit our planet.

Two horribly similar cases in point: a while back, I saw a video on YouTube of a bat, that had fallen into a toilet bowl. And what did the person who discovered it do? Ran off to fetch their camcorder – so they could post the result on YouTube.

At no point, did the arsehole think of fishing the poor creature OUT.

If they had been afraid of catching rabies (highly unlikely, I have handled a number of bats and none have ever bitten ME) they could have used a utensil – like a small pot, or large spoon.

And today, on BBC News, I saw some silly cow continue driving, while a snake slid back and forth across her car’s bonnet. Her schmuck of a husband immediately grabbed their camcorder…

Again, at no point did they consider SLOWING DOWN, to allow the creature to get OFF.

Eventually, the snake FELL off – but given the car was still zooming down the middle lane of a freeway, it is highly unlikely it survived the experience (snakes, most of which are not even poisonous, are DELICATE creatures – they BREAK EASILY).

But the thing that got me, in both of these cases, was the CASUAL DISREGARD for these animals’ suffering. Is this where we ARE now?

Well, not ME. For instance, Geckos are definitely NOT self-aware, but when I find one in the house, I pop a glass over them – slide a sheet of paper under it – and release them outside. Not because I do not welcome them in my house – but simply to save them getting squished behind a door, or nailed by my CAT (who knows no better).

I do this because I CARE about animals – ANY animals.

I am CIVILISED. And while humankind continues their casual dismissal of their fellow Earth-inhabitants – they will NEVER be so.

Damien on… It Makes Me Loose It

Loose: adjective – not tight.

Lose: verb – mislay.

Now, how hard was THAT?

Yet of all the written mistakes one sees nowadays, TRANSPOSING these two simple words appears to be the most popular – it is almost FASHIONABLE.

It is not even a GRAMMATICAL error – just a COCK-UP.

THOUSANDS of times, one has seen this stupid mistake made – including by people who SHOULD have known better.

WHY?

I blame it on lose values.

 

     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Footnote: now WORDPRESS is TAKING THE PISS! Its SpellChecker RED-UNDERLINED “lose” in the above sentence and when I clicked on it, it suggested – “loose”.

WHAT???!

I actually found myself CHECKING on Wordweb – just to make sure I had not LOST MY MIND!!!

Damien on… America: What Her War On Drugs Has Done To Her (In-)Justice System

America’s War On Drugs…

…is a pointless waste of time and money. No-one who is intelligent AND honest would deny this. The reasons why are obvious, but for the record…

(1) Her (so far) forty-year-plus prohibition of recreational drugs has been no more successful than her fourteen-year prohibition of alcohol.

(2) As before, it has merely empowered major crime.

(3) Every time a low-level dealer or mule gets busted, a job opportunity is created which – thanks to the rewards available – will quickly be filled.

(4) Every time a major shipment is intercepted, the authorities trumpet their success. But the suppliers merely increase output to cover the “shrinkage”. And even if the bust IS significant enough to cause a temporary shortage of supply – the price is simply increased. The barons will still be able to fill the tanks of their Ferraris.

(5) Recreational drug use is a victimless crime. Its impact on society is far less damaging than the criminality that currently surrounds it.

(6) The VAST amount of money spent trying – and failing – to prevent it (cops, Customs, DEA, etc.) is MANY times what the cost would be, if the authorities simply paid to clean up the mess that legalisation would create.

(7) And that mess would be far less, if the drugs were manufactured by properly-set-up companies – instead of the back-street outfits which currently fill that role.

(8) And potential customers could be given neutral, non-judgemental “patient information” leaflets, which could explain the various substances’ pros and cons, instead of that information coming from unqualified friends – and dealers.

(9) America prides herself on FREEDOM – which means a citizen ought to be able to decide themselves, what they do with their mind and body.

(10) Which brings us to its effect on…

America’s (In-)Justice System…

When the Brave New World was first set up, its pioneers understandably wanted to create a society where cops kicking in doors with impunity would not happen. Many had just ESCAPED societies like that.

And so they came up with a system that would be FAIR to those accused of crimes.

This even extended to courts being forced to EXCLUDE evidence that was not gathered “correctly”.

However, it was not long before shyster lawyers began to EXPLOIT these “loopholes” to keep their clients out of jail. (“Since the police failed to identify themselves properly, give the murderer his gun BACK!”)

But those who could not AFFORD shysters began filling America’s jails. Nothing unusual in that. But when she instigated her current recreational drugs policy, those numbers swelled to EPIC proportions.

America now has MORE of her population incarcerated than ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. A QUARTER of the prisoners in the WORLD are behind AMERICAN BARS – which has lead to MASSIVE overpopulation of America’s prisons.

And it is this which has forced her to rethink her whole (in-)justice system.

The result? Well, today, with America’s jails no longer capable of handling their inmate numbers, most sentences get reduced – and with her courts unable to handle the “flow of traffic”, most cases get “plea-bargained” out.

This results in early releases for serious criminals – and shorter sentences for real crimes. All of which benefits American society not one jot.

So what can she do about this farcical situation? Well, the solution is surprisingly SIMPLE. She could do with recreational drugs what she did with BOOZE, back in 1933. Legalize and regulate them. Then set free all prisoners who were inside solely on drug offences, where they had committed no crimes affecting others.

In this World obsessed by money, there has been talk of TAXING recreational drugs. But this is an IRRELEVENT DIVERSION.

The BENEFITS TO SOCIETY and the MONEY SAVED by execution of this straightforward repeal would be MASSIVE – and immediate.

Cops would be able to devote their time to solving REAL crimes – the ones that DO affect society.

The DEA could go and find CONSTRUCTIVE work.

Customs could concentrate on their original duties.

America’s jail population would shrink DRASTICALLY.

And her courts could finally spend the time needed to do THEIR job properly – dispense JUSTICE.

Damien on… Chinese Clocks – And Other Stuff

Many years ago, I bought a bedside mains radio-alarm clock. It carried a classic British name – but was made in CHINA, “under license” – so had NOTHING to do with the British company whatsoever.

And being Chinese, first the radio conked out – then the ALARM. But I kept it, as having now retired – I had no NEED for alarms (and the radio always sounded like crap anyway – the volume pot was underrated).

But then the CLOCK fizzled out – so it was time to go shopping.

I acquired a snazzy NEW bedside mains alarm clock – STILL made in China – but this time, with a Chinese name.

Caixing. I looked them up on the Interweb, but the only Caixing in China… made WATER-PUMPS. So I’m guessing it wasn’t THEM.

Anyhoo – this new clock is a doozy. In addition to the time being displayed on four large 7SDs (with two blinking LEDs in the middle, that ALMOST line up correctly) it has smaller 7SDs for the month and date (the wrong way round – for AMERICA) and the TEMPERATURE (courtesy of a built-in thermocouple).

But the 7SD that caused me problems was one marked “Week”. Now at the time I bought the thing, it was the third week in January, so it said “3″ – fine.

But the next day, it said “4″ – which was confusing, as it was a Thursday – and I had thought week numbers changed on MONDAY.

But then on Friday, it had changed to “5″ and then the penny dropped. They meant DAY of the week. Why didn’t they just PUT “Day” on the display?

Next day, it said “6″ – fine again – it was Saturday.

But when I awoke on Sunday, it said “8″ – EIGHT???

Even as an Atheist, I recall “And on the seventh day He rested” (well, six days of creating takes it OUT of you – even if you’re a GOD). So what the hell was this EIGHT?

I have looked at later models of my clock as they have appeared on market stalls – and they have now changed the display to read “Day” where mine reads “Week” – but since I do not shop on Sunday (like I said – I’m RETIRED) I have no idea whether they have corrected THAT little cock-up as well.

I suspect not, since it would require the designing of a new CHIP.

But of course, this highlights the problem with Chinese goods. While WE would be happier paying a little more for cheaply made but BETTER QUALITY goods – we are out of the loop.

It is the MIDDLE MEN – buyers and wholesalers – who purchase the stuff from the factories. And since their income depends on it – they always go for the CHEAPEST alternative, to make the most PROFIT.

Thus, if a British brolly costs five pounds wholesale, even though one made in China to the same standard might only cost ONE pound, they will STILL go for the one that leaves the factory gate at 50p.

It will make them more MONEY – but you and I are the ones left getting WET when it FALLS APART!

Damien on… Why Flying These Days Is SHITE!

Back in the Good Old Days, flying was only for the intrepid RICH.

Then, after WW2, it became a serious means of getting places that were far away – but it was still only affordable by the well-heeled.

However, in the Seventies – thanks to people like Freddie Laker and Richard Branson (now both Sir) – flight finally became available to the MASSES. Which is where it all went horribly WRONG.

The reasons are many.

(1) Back In The Day, since passengers were paying a FORTUNE to fly on (for security reasons) mostly STATE airlines – they were treated like ROYALTY by ground and cabin staff alike.

But now – being PLEBS, flying on planes designed like freighters (there has even been talk of future air-travellers having to STAND on flights) passengers are treated like MORONS – BY morons.

(2) Since “9/11″, said morons have been given carte blanche to use Security as a cover-all reason for abusing and humiliating passengers at will.

(3) Anti-smoking hysteria has resulted in the 25% of passengers who indulge – being BANNED from smoking on planes. And when they finally land, being herded into Smoking Rooms the size of a garden shed – in air terminals the size of aircraft HANGERS.

And (4) When planes got BIG, it was decided that airports no longer needed multiple runways, to enable safe landings and takeoffs in ANY wind conditions – these bigger aircraft could handle CROSS-WINDS.

In the early days, planes either landed on water or grass fields. Thus all the pilot had to do was get a report from the tower on wind speed and direction – or if same did not exist, fly over the field or stretch of water and use his Mark One Eyeball to see what the WIND-SOCK was doing.

Then, with this information, he could land directly INTO the wind.

Not so today. While airport authorities are happy to spend gazillions on big, flashy airport terminals – when it comes to RUNWAYS, they scrimp.

The thing is – those flashy terminals are a measure of STATUS.

Runways are only about SAFETY.

Case in point: London Heathrow USED to have a NETWORK of runways – facing ALL directions.

But when planes started getting bigger, it would have COST them to EXTEND all of those runways – plus, people had built factories and homes on the LAND that would have been required.

And so they merely extended The Tens (runways One-Zero-Left and Right) and reassigned the remainder as taxi-ways to them.

Which, given the winds at Heathrow tend to be light and generally from the East – is fine.

Except occasionally, even Heathrow gets hit by a STORM. These feature powerful CIRCULAR wind patterns which, within moments, can be coming from ANY direction.

Of course, if a crosswind is designated as SEVERE, flights can be diverted to another airport – or STACKED, until the storm passes.

But these options cause PROBLEMS for the airlines. Having your passengers at the WRONG airport – not to mention your PLANE – is a logistical and EXPENSIVE nightmare. And flying around in circles burns FUEL.

Therefore, pilots are NOT encouraged to take these options – which results in some HAIRY landings (see YouTube).

Naturally, this is all about MONEY. If you ban smoking on planes and in terminals, you save a fortune on redecorating, air conditioning – even insurance.

And allow ground and cabin staff to abuse and humiliate passengers and you will have thousands of ARSEHOLES queuing up to take the jobs – for WAY less money than is paid to personnel in companies where they are required to be CIVIL to the customers.

And by forcing people to take their lives in their hands, landing on inadequate runway systems – you save yet MORE money.

So what of the future? Well, as we have seen, planes are still getting BIGGER. Which has been fine – SO FAR.

But what will happen when – as it eventually must – one of these behemoths tries to put down in a storm even IT cannot handle. And FIVE HUNDRED PASSENGERS GET SPLASHED ALL OVER THE RUNWAY?

It will be the Titanic Of The Air. And the cause will be the same as with THAT disaster – Man’s GREED AND STUPIDITY.

Damien on… How To Cure Homosexuality In Men

A number of organisations (mostly in America) claim success in “curing” men of their homosexual desires. This author has no idea how they manage it – but suggests they try strapping them down in front of THIS PICTURE…

Damien on… The “Challenger” Disaster

One day back in 1986, I was watching afternoon TV – when suddenly the picture broke up and a voice announced they were going over to the newsroom for a newsflash. At the time, this was unusual – so quick-thinking, I slammed a blank video-cassette into the machine and hit “record”.

What I ended up with, was one of the most POWERFUL pieces of video in my collection.

A news cameraman had been despatched to film what SHOULD have been a routine puff piece – reaction shots of the Interested Parties in the bleachers, at the latest Shuttle launch. But what he ended up filming was EXTRAORDINARY.

As the Shuttle exploded, 74 seconds in, those who were familiar with launches knew their relatives or loved ones were DEAD – however, the many people who were attending their FIRST launch initially assumed the explosion was merely separation of the vehicle’s stages.

Thus, as some faces became wreathed with PAIN – others were still in awe at the majesty of it all.

But as word of what had ACTUALLY happened began to spread through the crowd like a slow cancer – those faces too became angst-ridden.

Meanwhile, the cameraman carried on doing his JOB – scanning the crowd for reaction shots. He knew plenty of other cameras would be covering the space vehicle itself.

But here’s the thing – when his work aired on the evening news bulletins, it had been edited down to just a few seconds of STERILE CLIPS.

However – I was one of the FEW people who had his FULL, UNCUT, RAW footage – and in 2009, I uploaded it to YouTube.

I set the comments to “must be approved”, to weed the inevitable anti-American/trollish/inappropriate ones out – but have so far had well over 100 acceptable comments from those who were as moved by the footage as I have always been, every time I view it (which is RARELY, as it STILL has enormous power).

The piece has so far had around 90,000 hits. And it obviously affects other people in the same way it affects me. The reason being that it represents a look into something that is rare, in this World.

Its DARK side – UNCUT. And it is THAT which moves one.

The news business has always concentrated on human tragedy, rather than just NUMBERS. This is because people can IDENTIFY with it. Stalin famously said that one death was a tragedy – a million was a statistic.

And this is demonstrated by the facts. On “9/11″ three thousand people died – whereas HERE, a few years later, the Boxing Day Tsunami killed around three HUNDRED thousand. But which event got the most coverage?

While the Third World has TERRIBLE statistics (if the infant mortality rate in a Western country was HALF what it is in Africa, it would be treated as the number one priority in that country) – a donkey stuck down a well in Nuneaton becomes headline news.

At the end of the day, the prominence of the “story” is governed by the media which covers it. Unfair – but a fact of life.

Cosmically speaking, in our modern World – ALL preventable and unnatural death is a tragedy.

The little kid killed by bad water in India, the uncared-for kitten squashed by a car, the millions abused by tyrannical regimes, the thousands of gullible young men and women sent off to fight old men’s wars for them.

And a small group of brave individuals trying to push the envelope of exploration, in a vehicle comprised of thousands of components – each built by the lowest bidder.

Our reaction to these events depends largely on how the story reached us. On rare occasions, it may be through personal experience (I once emerged unscathed from a train wreck – see elsewhere, in these chronicles) but more often it was through the medium of a cynical press or TV news outlet.

But while informing us of events – these media are also in the business of SANITIZING what we actually see.

During the Sixties’ Vietnam War, freed from the control of the DOD censors (Vietnam was a “police action” – not a war) the news services showed the TRUTH about war, to the World.

However, the World did not LIKE seeing burned babies, while eating their dinner. And so, since that time, the media have PULLED BACK from portraying the cruel realities of life in their full inglory.

And as a result, they fail to do their damn JOB.

The crowd shots at the Challenger disaster were shown as RAW FOOTAGE by CNN – in the days when that service still had TEETH – although even THEY cut it from later bulletins, once they realised what it WAS.

And that was a PEEK into the REAL WORLD. A place where mankind is capable of GLORY – and immense STUPIDITY. Stupidity which often results in TRAGEDY.

For those who can TAKE it – here IS that peek…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd7dxmBLg48

Damien on… Chuck Lorre’s Golden Opportunity

I have always had a soft spot for Chuck Lorre.

We are both men – both writers – and were born just six weeks apart. But there, our similarities end.

Chuck has a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame – I once won first prize in a road safety competition.

Chuck has written and produced six highly successful American sitcoms – I write this.

He is rich and I am poor.

But I have a foreskin – so there.

Anyhoo – Chuck has had a rough time of late – thanks to Charlie Sheen’s hyper rants and subsequent abandonment of his most popular current show, “Two And A Half Men”.

But C.B.S. was not about to give up on one of their most highly-rated shows and so has plonked Ashton Kutcher into its vacant starring role.

And THERE is Chuck’s Golden Opportunity – because “Two And A Half Men” has just ended its (slightly truncated) eighth season – and even the greatest American sitcoms of ALL TIME have rarely seen a twelfth.

Of course, an unimaginitive dolt would simply carry on the same format with the new actor – rather like “Bewitched” when Dick York busted his back and Dick Sargent became the new Darrin. No-one noticed the difference after a couple of weeks.

Ironically, Charlie Sheen got HIS sitcom break when Parkinson’s forced Michael J Fox to give up HIS starring role in THAT.

However, I cannot believe Chuck will take that option. There were plenty of other actors in the frame for Charlie’s role – but instead of going with a guy like him, they went with his antithesis – someone Arnie would call “a girlie-man.”

Therefore, while most will be expecting Season Nine to open in Charlie’s beach-house – I expect it to open with a car interior. And in that car will be Alan and Jake.

I will leave the dialogue to Chuck, but I imagine it will centre on the altercation that has just taken place between Charlie and Alan, resulting in the latter being finally ejected – with offspring – from the former’s domicile.

A few in-jokes at Mr Sheen’s expense later – and the vehicle will roll up outside a house that has been established, during the course of the conversation, as belonging to ANOTHER of Alan’s relatives.

A NEW lead character – and a new SET.

Thus in one bound we will have… A SPINOFF!!

Oh yes. Make no mistake. Historically (hysterically, even) a spinoff can last as long as the series off from which it span (I think that’s right).

And while “The Big Bang Theory” is now well established and “Mike And Molly” is doing okay – I am sure Chuck will not mind a third string to his bow. Particularly one which is already tried and tested.

Indeed, Charlie’s meltdown may have given Chuck MAJOR aggro – but it could just be the best thing that ever happened to him.

Footnote: sometimes a thing that SEEMS bad at the time can be a blessing in disguise. I am reminded of a Disney cartoon where this guy (actually, it was a duck) got a blowout. No big deal for most – except THIS guy was SUPER-LUCKY. He was MORTIFIED – until a cop turned up and warned him about the bridge that had collapsed, just around the corner he would have been driving round, had his tyre not given out. So cheer up, Chuck. Charlie may have been YOUR flat tyre (sorry, tire).

Damien on… “Serious” Rape

Oh dear, Ken Clarke has got himself in hot water again – for declaring there are various “degrees” of rape.

And thanks to the injustices of the past having been smothered by Political Correctness – resulting in the pendulum swinging TOO FAR, creating INVERSE injustices – there are plenty of people ready to call for his HEAD.

But is this fair? NO.

Granted, there is no such thing as COMEDY rape – unless you include the prostitute who, when a punter’s cheque bounced, said, “Damn, I just got raped again.”

But OF COURSE there are degrees of rape.

If a person jumps out of some bushes and drags a jogger into them and puts a knife to their throat and forces them to have SEX with them, then that is full-on, throw-away-the-key RAPE.

But that rarely happens.

Mostly, people get raped by someone they know.

The classic is date-rape. In the past, if a woman entered a man’s abode “unaccompanied” – she was deemed to be automatically making herself “available” to him.

And this is still true today – in PRIMITIVE societies.

But in the West, we have moved on. A woman is not available to a man until she gets into BED with him – or at least, gets her kit off. Even then, they could simply be sleeping together – LITERALLY.

However, this is where lines become blurred.

The monster in the bushes is one thing – but what about the man who is in bed with a woman, with the act in PROGRESS – and just as he is about to climax, she panics and says stop – and he does not?

And then comes the whole question of where seduction ends – and coercion begins.

But where things become a TOTAL mess is “rape within marriage” – or a relationship.

Pre-PC, rape within marriage was simply not considered. It was known that some relationships were based on dominant/submissive role-playing – and that was a game the cops did NOT want to become a part of.

Indeed, unless a woman presented with MAJOR injuries, the cops did not want to know – and even then, they were only concerned with PHYSICAL assault, not sexual.

And one can understand their point. If a man and woman are in a RELATIONSHIP, rape alone should NOT be considered. Things have come to a pretty poor pass if men and women need to take their LAWYERS to bed with them, every time they are contemplating making love.

However, there is an exception to this. If a woman has called an END to a relationship and the man comes AFTER her and forces himself on her, that IS rape – even though they have been intimate before.

But the cops need to make DAMN SURE she really HAS ended the relationship – and not just had an argument with her husband.

Recently, Julian Assange was reported for rape. And while this writer was not THERE when the acts in question took place – the reports he has read suggest that Assange’s case definitely falls into the “non-serious” category.

So while this writer never thought he would find himself agreeing on ANYTHING with Ken Clarke – on this occasion he has to concur.

Political Correctness was invented to stop serious injustices – like racial bigotry, child abuse and rape – things which, in less enlightened times, were generally swept under the carpet.

But as that pendulum swung, it created a whole slew of NEW problems. Therefore, as is generally the case with these things, a little MODERATION is needed.

As a crime, rape carries a variety of penalties – including LIFE IMPRISONMENT – hardly a fitting punishment for a date that went a bit too far.

And justice systems are far from an exact science – particularly in America.

So while a human being MUST have the right to say NO to a sexual encounter – and there need to be legal penalties to REINFORCE that right – we need to be VERY careful when APPLYING them.

Damien on… “After Dark” – On Comedy

Back in the late Eighties, Channel Four (UK) began a TV show called “After Dark” – a live, late-night, open-ended discussion, between eight or nine people, with a presenter or moderator.

They sat around a long, low table, in armchairs and sofas – with the background in darkness – in which the cameras unobtrusively circled.

The show eventually fizzled out, thanks in part to the night Ollie Reed turned up drunk and embarrassed himself – a situation which was exacerbated when Victor Lewis-Smith rang up, pretending he was talking for Michael Grade and demanded the programme be taken off the air.

Which in turn resulted in a farce whereby they did so, substituting a black and white documentary on coal-mining – until they discovered Grade was on his boat and they had been hoaxed. The programme then resumed.

So what has all of this got to do with comedy? Well, every week the show would tackle a different subject, with appropriate guests.

And one week, they announced that this week, the subject would be COMEDY – and the guests would be comedy performers, writers and producers.

GREAT, I thought! At last, we would get a comprehensive, SERIOUS discussion about that subject. In the past, such discussions had degenerated into wallows through comedy nostalgia – or just ended up as joke-fests, with the comics trying to outdo each other.

However, my joy was short-lived. The series’ remit included addressing any topical issues that emerged – at which time, the planned subject would be postponed. Such a topic arose, that week.

And thus, what could have been the most MEMORABLE episode of the programme was LOST – to some political issue I cannot even remember – and it NEVER arose again. Tragedy.

So now, having been for half a century a student of showbusiness in general (and comedy in particular) I propose to attempt what After Dark FAILED to provide – a serious examination of the business of HUMOUR…

I should first admit that I have no PROFESSIONAL qualifications for such an examination. I once did five minutes at an Open Mike night, without TOTALLY dying on my arse – and I also once did some business at the Whitehall Theatre (on national TV) that got a few laughs. But that is it.

However, I AM a writer (I’m writing THIS, aren’t I?) And comedy is a close relative of drama – the idiot brother, perhaps. (See?)

And so I can tell you that drama is a three-act play. The first act sets up the situation and characters. The second introduces a new wrinkle – either a character or situation that throws the status quo into disarray.

Then the situation develops until Act Three, where the piece must achieve some sort of resolution, redemption, revelation, result – or another “R” word. And ultimately, it should deliver SOME statement about the human condition – in a way which is memorable.

But there is also the TWO-act play. Here, essentially, the first two acts are compressed into one. This tends to mean that background information regarding the situation and characters is introduced AS the development takes place.

In book form, the three-act play is a novel – and the two-act play, a short story, or novella.

Which is where COMEDY comes in.

There are many forms of comedy – satire (which, using comedy, will always drive a point home FAR more effectively than HOURS of LECTURING) farce, abstract, observation, slapstick (my personal favourite) character, situation, etc.

But – not having a WEEK to write this – I will concentrate on the humble JOKE.

My favourite gag for illustrating what comedy is, is supplied by the great Phyllis Diller. It runs thus… “My husband is so dumb – he bought a pet zebra and called it Spot.”

In just FOURTEEN WORDS – you have a three-act play. Act One: set up the situation and characters – her husband is dumb. Act Two: introduce the new wrinkle and develop the story – he bought a pet zebra. And Act Three: the resolution – and called it Spot.

You see, in a joke, you are following all the rules of drama – the only difference is, in the last act you are standing the thing on its HEAD.

Having set up a conventional situation, in one or two lines, the resolution is expected to be one thing – but you deliver something else.

Indeed, in showbiz, this device is not limited to comedy. Magic, for instance, uses it too. Most illusions are not too hard for an intelligent person to work out. The entertainment comes from your expectation of one thing – but you get something else instead. Substitution tricks RELY on this principle.

But to return to gags – the best are stories which are STRIPPED DOWN to their most basic elements. We do not need to know Phyllis’ husband’s name – it is irrelevant to the joke. Furthermore, we do not need to know how or why he obtained the zebra.

The only important factor is the final SWITCH. And the best gags reserve the “joke word” for the END – preferably (like in this one) as the LAST WORD. And as a bonus here – said word is short and SPIKY.

If you have to qualify the gag by adding words AFTER the joke word, the piece loses its EDGE – in fact, comedians will often sacrifice good grammar to FORCE that joke word to last place in the punch line.

So there it is. Hardly a comprehensive exploration of the subject of humour – merely a discussion of the technique of gag construction.

But After Dark had HOURS to examine the subject – and a roster of professionals to DO so. The boring subject that replaced the rare opportunity should be roundly CURSED – along with the Channel Four prat who allowed it to take the place of what SHOULD have been a LEGENDARY NIGHT.

Damn their eyes.

Damien on… The American Injustice System

These are direct quotes from CNN…

[following the completion of her trial for nicking a necklace] “Lindsay Lohan must report to jail by June 17, to begin serving a 120-day sentence…”

So – four months in an orange suit. That’s tough.

“Because of budget constraints…non-violent offenders…get 20% of their sentence.”

Oh – so she will only have to serve 24 days, then. A little over three weeks.

“Early release formulas…will likely reduce the sentence to about 14 days in jail.”

Two weeks. Still, at least the short, sharp shock in The Grey Bar Hotel will teach her a lesson.

“Lohan likely qualifies to serve her sentence in home confinement, instead of a jail cell…”

WHAT??? You mean she’s just GROUNDED for two weeks??

If I ever get a jail sentence – I hope I am living in Los Angeles.

Damien on… Child Labour

I do not see what all the FUSS is about.

In My Day, we had to get up at the crack of dawn, then traipse to school, where we would be bored rigid with facts we cared little about, forced to drink warm, curdley milk, be ritually humiliated by sadistic sports masters, have board-rubbers thrown at us by ALL masters if we did not at least PRETEND to take notice of what they were droning on about – and get CANED if we goofed around.

We would have WELCOMED the alternative of doing a bit of stitching in a nice, warm room.

Kids today – they don’t know they’re born.

Damien on… Fast Food In Thailand

Let us get one thing clear from the start – Thai wages are around ONE-TENTH the rate earned in the West.

With that in mind – it is interesting to see what the fast food franchises’ PRICES are like, here in the Land Of Smiles.

Dairy Queen’s are quite reasonable. But I once visited a Baskin-Robbins – never again.

At least those humourless nerks at McDonalds charge somewhat less than they do back in Blighty – however, KFC do NOT.

And of late, that franchise has been garnering ATTENTION for this fact.

I AM TOLD (I don’t want the Cross-eyed Colonel coming after me with his shotgun) that the current price for a particular meal in New Zealand is 140 Baht – compared with 130, for the same meal here.

So given that chicken is dirt cheap here – and wages low – SOMEONE is making a SHIT-LOAD OF MONEY. It ain’t the Louisville Lick (this is a FRANCHISE, remember). And it CERTAINLY ain’t those staff.

(Again) I AM TOLD the wage in New Zealand is around 290 baht per hour – while here in Thailand, it is 27. Yes – twenty-seven baht per hour. (That is around 50p, British – 80c, American).

Thus, I HEAR, most employees pretty much LIVE on the chicken that is left over, when they close.

I will never again moan at an employee, when they screw up my order…

Damien on… Cannon And Ball

I recall an occasion when I was driving down a country lane, on my way to a show-business party.

The unfamiliar route – combined with my speed, due to my eagerness to hob-nob with celebrities – caused me to lose control of my vehicle on a sharp corner and pile into a tree.

The car was CRUSHED – but since I had been wearing a seatbelt, whilst being TRAPPED in the mangled automobile, I was relatively unscathed.

After a few minutes, a car came along. It contained Tommy Cannon, Bobby Ball and their wives – who, as it turned out, were on their way to the same party as myself. Seeing my predicament, they stopped to help.

This was YEARS before mobile phones, so Bobby and his wife drove off to look for a telephone, to ring the emergency services – leaving Tommy and his wife to help me all they could.

Which turned out to be a break for me – since it resulted in my being dragged from the wreckage by the Cannons.

(My name’s Damien – don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Damien on… Barack O’Bama’s Birth Certificate

For years now, anti-O’Bamas have been baying for a look at POTUS’s birth certificate.

Initially, the computer record of same was issued – but the “Birthers” were unimpressed.

So now, the FULL, ORIGINAL version has been released.

The Birthers had been convinced that even if it DID prove O’Bama was American – it would contain some other piece of information that would be embarrassing to the President.

They were right.

His mother’s name is STANLEY!

Damien on… The Disposable Society

When WW2 started, car production in the UK ceased, to allow the factories to make bombs, tanks and planes, etc. In any case, people did not NEED cars during the war – petrol was as scarce as unicorns’ tears.

But when the argument was settled, production slowly restarted. At first Ford began production on the Ford Popular – a PRE-WAR design, that the afore-mentioned scuffle had postponed. However, it didn’t look SO odd, since there were thousands of pre-war cars that now saw the light of day for the first time in YEARS – having been put in hibernation, during the hostilities.

Of course, in America, not being in a total war situation (no-one dropped bombs on THEM) auto factories continued regardless. And despite things being tight – they continued development.

But in 1960s Britain, the streets were still littered with these pre-war relics, many of which had technology from the dark ages – cable brakes and the like.

Thus the Ministry Of Transport came up with a thing called “Ten Year Tested” – which was a VOLUNTARY scheme, to show your car was SAFE.

But it did not take long for the MOT to upgrade the scheme to MANDATORY – and shorten the period to THREE years. And THAT was the cause of the problem.

As is usual with these things, they started with good intentions – then went STUPID. At first, the MOT inspection covered brakes, suspension, tyres, steering and so on. But by the late Seventies, it was encompassing catalytic converters, windscreens – in fact just about EVERYTHING.

Cars had to practically be in SHOWROOM condition to get through the tests.

Which meant if you had a ten year old car that was worth three grand – but it needed three grand’s worth of repairs to get it through the test – it was WORTHLESS. Despite being perfectly safe and in reasonable condition.

And the situation Stateside is little better. Recently MILLIONS of reasonably good cars got TRASHED, during the “Cash For Clunkers” campaign.

But here in the Orient – things are different. I bought a ’94 Mitsu Galant Ultima in 2002 for four grand. Today, it is still worth three – despite now being SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD.

Of course, at ten years of age, it virtually fell APART – being made in Japan, where cars can only GET a test certificate if they are less than ten years old (one assumes Rolls’s and “classics” are exempt).

However, I kept getting it fixed and today, it has not given me trouble for several years.

When I escaped Blighty, I HAD intended bringing my UK car with me (in the container - it can be done) but I discovered a Thai bureaucrat had changed the rules, now making the prospect impractical.

So, since I needed wheels right up until I reached Heathrow, I sold my car for a reasonable sum – and bought a legal “banger” for seventy-five quid, which I fully intended to LEAVE in the airport car-park, with the key, documents and a note on the driver seat saying, “Free car – take it – it’s YOURS!” (In the event, a friend took it from me, having took the Tube out to the airport, to meet me).

But the thing is – the “banger” was only worth seventy five quid because it would have needed a grand’s worth of work doing to get it through its next MOT. In Thailand, the work would only have cost a couple of hundred – and then it would have been worth at least TWO GRAND!

(It was a fairly clean Vauxhall Cavalier that only needed a new non-return valve on the fuel line – a plate welding under the driver floor-pan – a new hazard flasher switch – a new radio aerial – a new battery carrier – and - but this one would have COST – a new thrust bearing for the clutch – the old one was NOISY, when the clutch was engaged).

And THAT’S the problem. While nobody wants their roads to be filled with cars that are DEATH-TRAPS – the ridiculously fierce MOT means the West constantly THROWS AWAY cars that have PLENTY of practical use left in them.

Of course, motor manufacturers would claim their cars are 99% “recyclable” – but they speak from their arseholes. Steel is plentiful and the other bits not worth saving. Plus they conveniently forget about the resources used in BUILDING the things. A big factory where they are assembled – and a host of smaller ones where the bits are made.

So thanks to that blasted MOT, every year, THOUSANDS of perfectly good cars are JUNKED. The West has become a “throwaway” society.

And it is the same with EVERYTHING.

Once upon a time, consumer electrical goods were built by hand – component by component – and cost a fortune. So there was a repair shop on every street corner. But now, they are all boxes full of printed circuit boards and are given away with Corn Flakes.

But once their extended warranties (when stores found themselves forced, by governments, to SERVICE their products for a year – they decided they might as well make some MONEY from their service departments) have run out, TVs, fridges et al  find themselves on the scrap-heap, when often only a minor repair job could have got them on their feet once more.

Before I walked away from it, I WAS a service engineer. But by the early Nineties, I was already becoming an endangered species. Now repair costs are now so high, people just throw stuff away when ANYTHING goes wrong with it.

And thanks to automation, the NEW COST of those items has never been LOWER.

BUT… this World has only so many resources – and if we do not begin to REVERSE these destructive practises, the goods we make will start to get more EXPENSIVE again – because of the rising costs of THE RESOURCES.

You heard it here first…

Damien on… More Pub Stories

A girl walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre… so he GAVE HER ONE!

(Da-da-da-daah…my name’s Damien…don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Damien on… Modern Warfare

The current spot of bother in Libya has brought into focus the big problem with war as it is fought today. Anyone my age (58) who has been paying attention will have realised that since the early Seventies, whilst the Quality Of Life has been going steadily down the dumper, the one thing that has improved is TECHNOLOGY.

And of course, the first people to take advantage of new tech have ALWAYS been the military. Thus today, instead of carpet bombing thousands of civilians – which puts people off the idea, when the cutting-edge news services start showing burned babies – a First World power can launch high-tech military assaults using drones and smart bombs, which arrive at their destination with pin-point accuracy, courtesy of the GPS system.

Thus an entire Second World nation’s military can lose its air cover and be rendered deaf, dumb and blind in a matter of hours, with few if any casualties suffered by the attacker – or the Second World nation’s civilians. Neat.

But then comes the PROBLEM. Because at that point, you have to send in GROUND FORCES – something America for one is a bit SHORT of. Why? Well – the recruitment methods employed, where the poor are conned into joining up, was graphically shown in Michael Moore’s film “Fahrenheit 9/11″ – and then some dipstick banned SMOKING in the military, thus alienating another 20% of potential recruits – and these days, even the young have heard about PTSD.

Meanwhile, those troops America DOES possess are tied up in Iraq, sorting out the mess George Wan – sorry, WaLker Bush created. And Afghanistan, trying to win the war America would have won YEARS ago – had the same man not pulled away the resources, to try to finish the job his Pappy had started in Iraq, a couple of decades earlier.

Which is why America is sitting this one OUT. Oh sure, they will help with the TECH end of the war – but when the time comes to put personnel ON THE GROUND, Britain and France will be on their OWN.

And that will be when the REAL war starts. But it won’t be like war in the good old days – when the combatants were all dressed up in uniforms and knew who the Other Side were. No, this time they will be facing a bunch of people who all look much the SAME.

Plus they will not even have the luxury of assuming boys and women are non-combatants.

This thing could last a long, LONG time…

Damien on… The War On (Recreational) Drugs

…is one of the most POINTLESS exercises of our time. And it has now been going on for some FORTY YEARS – which is longer than most REAL wars.

Pointless? Hear me out…

First, there is the whole CONCEPT of Prohibition. It has been said that a man who makes a mistake is not a fool – the man who makes no mistakes makes NOTHING – but a man who makes a mistake, then repeats his actions while expecting a different result – IS a fool.

And since, fifty years earlier, America had introduced Prohibition of alcohol – resulting in chaos, many deaths and the empowerment of organised criminals – you could be forgiven for wondering what possessed them to REPEAT that fiasco, with recreational drugs.

But repeat it they did – and four decades on, the fiasco continues.

Oh sure, every now and then, they proudly display their latest haul of confiscated product – and occasionally, an arrested drug baron.

But another baron will immediately take his place and up the output by enough to cover the ten-percent-max product the DEA manages to intercept.

And even if they DO manage to make a significant temporary dent in the supply, the barons cannot lose. A shortage on the street will simply drive up prices. The barons will still be able to afford to drive their Lambos and pay for their bimbos.

Likewise when they nail yet another “mule” – the rewards are so high, they are merely creating a job opportunity.

And what of the enormous WASTE of resources? Cops, the DEA, Customs and the Prison Service. In America, most prisoners are incarcerated – either directly or indirectly – over drugs. Indirectly, being petty crime that was only undertaken by those trying to support a VERY expensive habit.

Those who speak against legalization and regulation of recreational drugs are quick to point out that said action would result in an increase in resources needed to handle addicts. But they conveniently forget the FAR greater cost of the War.

Then what about the PUBLIC that war is directed against? If drugs were legalized and regulated, they would get “patient information” leaflets, to allow them to gain the important knowledge required to handle the substances – rather than receiving it from friends and pushers.

Furthermore, they would know the strength of said substances – which would drastically cut the number of over-doses – and be able to rest assured that the substances had been prepared in proper laboratories, not cooked up in some back-street factory where contamination was rife.

Not to mention they would no longer be at the mercy of guys trying to move them off “safe” drugs like hash and Ecstasy – to FAR more harmful (and ADDICTIVE) substances.

Again, those who favour retaining the current system (and who are SUPPORTING the drug barons) will claim that legalization and regulation would BOOST the number of users. Really?

I would counter that if you walked down the street offering passers-by FREE crack cocaine and heroin – almost all of them would tell you where to STICK them.

The average person would be more than happy to stick to hash and Ecstasy – and leave the other stuff to those desperate individuals who will get the stuff anyway.

In other words, little would change – except we would save BILLIONS in money – and our jails would have HALF the number who currently languish there.

Plus our society would be TRULY free.

Footnote: this writer lives in a land where – thanks to pressure from America – DRACONIAN drug laws exist. And since he does not need the aggravation, the strongest substance HE enjoys – is the STRAIGHT cigarette he is smoking right now. But if things were different, he would LOVE to try the hash that exists today – it is WAY stronger than that which existed in HIS day!

Damien on… Creationists

The thing that boils my bacon about Creationists is that LOADED question they always ask Darwinists – “So you believe everything in the World came about by RANDOM ACCIDENT?” – thus making US sound illogical.

NO! Darwin claimed no such thing. He developed the theory of EVOLUTION. Which is a LOGICAL PROGRESSION of events.

It is CREATIONISTS who are illogical. Whilst propounding a neat, tidy SINGLE explanation for EVERYTHING – they cheerfully overlook the fact that it’s BOLLOCKS!

The most intellectual theosophist in the World can be DEMOLISHED by any reasonably imaginative FIVE-YEAR-OLD. All the kid has to do is say – “If God made Man… who made God?”

I rest my case.

Damien on… The London Olympics Logo

I hear the Iranian team – after talks – have elected to take part in the 2012 Olympics. Apparently, they had been concerned that the official Olympic logo looked like “ZION” (which is obvious bollocks – it clearly spells “ZOIR”) and wanted to continue their glorious record in the games. Last time, one of their athletes took gold in Telmequando.

This is merely the first in what promises to be a farrago of sillies concerning said logo. Apparently, an ad agency which rhymes with Wolff Olins took a YEAR to come up with the gay-looking, spiky mess and then charged FOUR HUNDRED GRAND for it.

My DOG could have designed a better logo. Tee-shirt, anyone?

Damien on… Mensa

Mensa began as a small club for egg-heads, immediately following WW2.

But when I joined (with one point to spare) in the early Nineties, its numbers had swelled to thousands.

This was due in large part to one Harold Gale, BA – whose BUSINESS acumen had resulted in umpteen new people (including THIS writer) to join up.

Sadly, this golden period in British Mensa’s history was not to last. Clive Sinclair and his cronies SACKED Harold in circumstances which many saw as having been grossly unfair.

And a number believed that Harold’s death, a short while later, may well have resulted from Mensa’s hounding of him.

But of course, Mensa Magazine reported NONE of this, preferring as ever to concentrate on its “society” pages, while its INTERESTING contributors – along with nearly half of British Mensa’s membership – slowly drifted away.

Which is a damn shame – since Mensa fills a VITAL role in British society.

The thing is, the “gifted” offspring of university professors and the like can generally expect to go through “good” schools – leading to jobs where they will continue to find themselves surrounded by those same gifted people.

But a person born to AVERAGE folk, who happens – by a genetic fluke – to be born similarly gifted, is likely to grow up in a standard school, surrounded by kids who, to them – are MORONS.

And then, they will find themselves in a job peopled by grown UP morons. People who like to do things the hard way, to look BUTCH.

And when they use their analytical skills to save time and effort, they are told in no uncertain terms they are WRONG.

And it is very hard to reconcile the fact that THEY are right and everyone AROUND them is wrong – without feeling like a MEGALOMANIAC.

Which is where Mensa’s strength lies.

It brings together people whose only commonality is their high IQ. Brain-wise, they are the top two percent of humanity.

And thus, at a pub meeting, they can talk to OTHER people who will assure them that they WERE right and all their work-mates were WRONG.

When I went to these meetings, I used to wear a badge I had acquired YEARS earlier which – coincidentally – was in Mensa’s colours (black and gold) and read, “I’M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!”

I was persuaded to stop wearing it…

Damien on… Instructions For Morons

I love instruction manuals that contain things like, “To switch appliance on, move switch from ‘off’ position to ‘on’ position”

No shit, Sherlock. I’d NEVER have worked THAT out.

Then there are shampoo bottles…

Wow – WET my hair first.

But today I found a NEW one that beats even those. It comes from Sony and it’s printed on a “Silicone Sealant” caulking-gun refill (apparently Sony has a chemicals division).

Underneath the legend, “High Quality Silicone Rubber Base Sealant” – written in an oblong box, it says – and I SWEAR I’m not making this up – “FOR INDUSTRIAL USE ONLY: NEVER USE THIS PRODUCT FOR IMPLANTATION OR INJECTION INTO HUMAN BODIES.” End quote.

What???

It seems that Sony figure somewhere, some redneck will be watching the Miss Universe Beauty Contest (sorry – PAGEANT) and after seeing all of those contestants (sorry – PAGEANTEES) will look at his wife, remember his caulking gun and think, “Hmm – get her drunk – then a couple of small incisions with my carpet knife – why pay thousands of dollars to some clinic?”

And this is the thing. Americans are no more dumb than anyone else – probably – but they ARE highly LITIGIOUS. Only in America do companies have to etch the principle of convex driving mirrors onto each one.

It all goes back to when some bimbo successfully SUED McDonalds for a SEVEN-FIGURE-SUM after she burned her lips on one of their cups of coffee.

After THAT, you can understand their paranoia.

So the next time you see an instruction written on something, that seems to be telling you you’re an imbecile – don’t freak out. The company are not protecting you from your own stupidity – they are protecting THEMSELVES from the stupidity of the American Injustice System!

Damien on… Piotr Dabrowski

…is my age – but lacks my resourcefulness.

An immigrant to the West, his cardinal mistake was to go to BELFAST. He should have headed SOUTH – to the French Riviera.

Allow me to explain. He has just been JAILED for begging. He could not come up with the eighty quid fine handed down by a judge – who is obviously dumber than HIM – I mean, if the guy had eighty quid, he would not be begging, would he? And how would he come UP with that money? He would have to go out BEGGING. The words “egg” and “chicken” immediately spring to mind.

But Piotr could so easily have AVOIDED this farce if, instead of heading for the cold, wet misery of Belfast – he had headed SOUTH.

You see, thanks to an old law, begging is not only LEGAL in France – it is recognised as a PROFESSION.

And since, under the Single European Act of 1993, any European can work in any European country…

Yes, it is TRUE! Provided you beg NON-AGGRESSIVELY, you can make enough money in a morning to keep you going for the DAY, on the Riviera. And people do. And they LIVE ON THE RIVIERA!

Damien on… David Frost vs Emil Savundra: "Trial By Television"

…which was what the press quickly dubbed the encounter between Frostie and “Doctor” Emil Savundra.

The background was that Savundra, a Ceylonese (now Sri Lankan) businessman, black-marketeer, fraudster and general con-artist, had sold his ailing motor insurance company (it had launched with VERY low premiums – with predictable results) to its directors, just days before it collapsed, leaving hundreds of thousands of people without cover – and a large number with unpaid claims, many of whom suffered severe hardship as a result.

Things like this happen all the time, but the difference was that in 1967, Savundra was invited on Frost’s TV show to explain himself – and ACCEPTED. A supreme egotist, he figured he could best Frostie. And part of the reason he made this fatal error was he was STONED.

The thing was, he had a number of genuine ills (the only genuine things ABOUT him) and had been on pethidine – a potent morphine substitute – for years. This writer once had kidney stones and knows only too well how SERENE it makes you.

The battle of wits between Frost and Savundra was tame stuff compared to today – where such an event would be just another day at the office, for the likes of Paxman. Indeed, David was a minister’s son and had gone through the “right” schools – thus for him, politeness was the norm.

So the towering FURY he felt at Savundra’s posturing came across like mild irritation. However, in 1967, such a display on live TV was outrageous. And so the encounter became known as Trial By Television – and was widely referenced, for years afterwards.

Meanwhile, justice eventually caught up with Savundra. Shortly after the programme, he was arrested, tried, convicted and sent down for seven years. His lack of contrition lead to his incarceration in a full-on JAIL, instead of Ford Open Prison – where most white-collar criminals ended up.

The conditions there – coupled with his now chronic drug-addiction – meant he died only a few years after his release, aged just 53. His wife, who had stood by him during thirty years of double-dealing and court cases – died a few years later, aged just 57.

If you want to SEE the Frost-Savundra encounter, click – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFNQSLIpYss

Damien on… Bill Gates

I used to have a small computer business and one time, I managed to get a meeting with a CEO of a giant corporation, whom I hoped to pitch a new system to. If it went through, it would be worth millions.

However, on the morning of the meeting, his secretary rang to inform me that her boss had to fly to Bahrain on (more important) business – and therefore had to regretfully cancel our appointment.

Thinking quickly, I replied that I too had an important meeting (which of course, I didn’t) in New York tomorrow and would be taking the red-eye to that city, in a few hours. I suggested we could meet up at Heathrow.

It worked – and that afternoon, having shown the doorman the Queen’s portrait, I sat in the executive lounge, waiting for the CEO.

As my gaze wandered around the lounge, I noticed a VERY familiar face. It was Bill Gates, sitting alone drinking coffee. I recognised an opportunity.

I walked over to his table and said, “Sir – I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but I too am in computers – obviously in a much SMALLER way than yourself – and I wondered if you could help me?”

“I’m afraid my office handles all…” he began.

“Oh no,” I replied, “It’s nothing like that. The thing is, I have a meet here in a few minutes, with a very important client – and it would SERIOUSLY help my chances if he thought I knew YOU. I realize it’s an AWFUL imposition – but it occurred to me that if, once my meeting is underway, you could pass the table and say something like “Hi Damien, how’s it going?” – it would impress the HELL out of him.”

Bill chuckled, thought for a second and said, “Okay – sounds like fun. I’ll do it.”

“Oh, thank you VERY much, Sir.” I replied.

The minutes passed and Bill glanced over at my table every now and then. I thought the whole thing was not going to happen when, to my relief, I saw the CEO enter the lounge, look around and begin heading my way.

He settled down opposite me and I began my pitch. It was obvious the businessman was unimpressed by me – but then Bill sauntered over and said, ”Hi Damien, how’s things?”

Looking up, I replied, “Oh, NAFF off Gates – can’t you see I’m having a meeting?”

The above story is ENTIRELY fictitious.

Damien on… “The King’s Speech”

I mean the ACTUAL King’s speech. HM King George VI (I have not seen the movie yet).

Poor old George – he never expected to BE king. A sickly youth, he had been happy to languish in the shadow of his older, more virile brother, Edward.

But when George V died and Edward became King Edward VIII, it was not to last.

The official reason for Edward’s abdication after less than a year on the throne was his love for Wallis Simpson – a haughty American woman who had been once-divorced and was still married (but not for long) to her second husband.

This was NOT ON. Queens of England are supposed (in theory) to be VIRGINS when they marry the King. At a pinch, an exception may be made in the case of a WIDOW – but Wally’s two husbands were still very much alive.

Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin made such a fuss that if Edward HAD married Wally and become King – the government would have had to resign. A Constitutional Crisis, then.

But there is reason to think that there was more going on even than this. Fact was, Edward (and indeed, the whole British royal family) had German roots and were SERIOUSLY right-wing.

Thus Edward had come out strongly against war with Germany – and had a number of ties to that country. This did not sit well with the British government, who were gearing up for another jolly war with the Huns – and may well have had more to do with the pressure put upon Edward to abdicate, than his involvement with Wally Simpson.

Either way, Edward DID quit, leaving his kid brother George in charge of The Firm.

And within three years, George found himself sitting at a BBC mic, expected to declare WAR on Germany. Enter the issue of the “stammer”…

The thing was, over on the other side of The Pond, Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a far more serious shortcoming. He was virtually wheelchair-bound. But the West Wing managed to CONCEAL the fact from the American public, by having him stand, supported – or sit down, during all his public appearances.

But no-one considered doing anything to conceal George’s speech impediment – which despite being classed as a stammer (which would have been bad enough) was more of a nature that made him sound permanently DRUNK.

Of course, today it would be possible to “clean up” his speech using digital technology. But in 1939, there wasn’t even recording tape.

Well actually, that is not quite true. The GERMANS had recording tape. The technology was begun in 1928 and development continued through the Thirties. Hitler used it.

But despite his German roots, George could hardly have asked BASF to supply him with some tapes – to enable the boffins to clean up his DECLARATION OF WAR against them.

And at that time, the alternatives were few. Magnetic WIRE was available – but it was impractical to edit. Likewise disc recorders.

In fact, the only practical method would have been for George to have FILMED all of his appearances, making his speeches in a chair, with his head supported from behind to prevent movement – then a good editor could have lopped out a few frames here and there, to disguise most of his vocal aberrations.

Or they could have used a voice double – Churchill did, many times, but only when he was too busy to give radio speeches in person.

However, George was the KING – and in those days, you didn’t screw around with him.

Ironically, recording tape DID finally emerge Worldwide, around 1950 – but George was nearly finished by then anyway. He died a year later, aged just 56.

Elizabeth II took over The Firm and is still there today. And if she lives as long as her Mum, she is likely to remain for another twenty years – by which time, the Windsor Wingnut will be over 80 and may well pass the reins straight to William.

But that’s another story. Meanwhile, if you would like to HEAR George VI declaring war on the boche, hit – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMlyEdjwe5M

Damien on… Unlikely Relations

Roger Moore, his diminutive brother, Dudley – and his daughter, Demi.

Robert Taylor and his sister, Elizabeth – and their son, Rip.

General John Hendrix and his brother, Jimi.

Michael Jackson and his great, great, great, great, great-grandfather, Andrew.

Jeff Beck and his son, Glenn.

Perry Como and his brother, Joshua N.

David Cameron MP and his film-maker brother, James.

Newsreader John Suchet and his actor brother, David.

Damien on… "I Would Like To Thank The Academy…"

Hey, ho – it’s award season again. Of course, they’re utter bullshit – everyone knows awards are big business and only really a popularity contest for luvvies. Indeed, members of The Academy who are WORKING often give the forms to their DRIVERS to fill in.

And only “worthy” films get nominated – thus when Sean Connery made “Goldfinger” he got NOTHING. But when he played an Irish cop (who, naturally, spoke with an Edinburgh accent) in a straight film – he walked off with Best Supporting Actor.

Would he have even been nominated, had it not been for all those Bonds? Likewise, would Woody have collected for “Annie Hall” had he not made all those great genre spoofs before? Do me a favour – it’s called “Body Of Work”.

During this year’s Globes, Ricky Gervais put the whole thing into perspective. And this writer would LOVE to see more people taking his lead.

If YOU get a nod this year, when they read out the names in your category – sit there with a fixed grin, clutching a drink. But make sure the glass is a “sugar” one – then if they give the award to some other bugger – RETAIN your cheesy grin and SQUEEZE the glass, so it SHATTERS.

Or, as the names are being read out – look confident and take out a piece of A4 (your acceptance speech) and unwrap it. Then, if the name in The Envelope isn’t yours – THROW the piece of paper up in the air and look grumpy.

Thus when they do the montage shot – at least you’ll get a LAUGH.

In the unlikely event THIS reporter ever gets an award, he will take a leaf out of the John Cleese book of How To Accept An Award. For example…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUbluE9TV88

Damien on… So You Think You’re STRAIGHT?

It is a proven fact that most HOMOPHOBIC men are in fact GAY men who, for a variety of reasons – upbringing, religion, peer pressure – are unable to face up to the orientation of their sexuality and “over-compensate” by becoming violently anti-gay.

But it is easy to “out” these guys. Simply ask them: “If you had to spend the rest of your LIFE on a DESERT ISLAND, with just ONE MAN or ONE WOMAN for company – but the woman was the single most DISGUSTING HAG that YOU PERSONALLY could imagine – while the man was the single most GORGEOUS CREATURE that, again, YOU PERSONALLY could imagine – which would you CHOOSE?”

IF they consider the question for so much as a SECOND – you can go “Ah-HAH!!!” They have proven a point.

And the point IS: we are NONE of us 100% straight – or 100% gay, for that matter. Rather, we are a complex mix of ATTRACTIONS and REPULSIONS. I mean – I’m as straight as they come, but even I’D turn for George Clooney!

To ILLUSTRATE the point, this writer offers TWO pieces that he has recently uploaded to YouTube. The first graphically shows how even a BABE (in this case, Morwenna Banks) can STILL turn a chap RIGHT off, if… well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so click – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k9VBwxF4Eo

And to see a practical demonstration of the Desert Island Syndrome, click – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdMBudq4m24

Damien on… "Secret" Lyrics

“Heroes, heroes – husky men of war,

Sons of all the heroes of the war before,

We’re all heroes, up to our ear-os,

You ask the questions,

We make suggestions,

That’s what we’re heroes for.”

Wha-at? Okay – try SINGING the above to the “Hogan’s Heroes March” (if you’re old enough to remember it). Fits, doesn’t it?

That’s because the words are the first verse of the LYRICS to the theme from the Sixties TV series “Hogan’s Heroes” – even though they were never used.

And how about all those Hammer movies where, when befanged Chris Lee appeared, the music would go “DAN-da-daaaan, DAN-da-daaaan!” That’s “DRA-cu-laaaa, DRA-cu-laaaa!”

Meanwhile, although “Cruella DeVil” WAS sung in the original cartoon – Mel Levin’s MIDDLE verse was never heard until Dr John performed the song over the end titles of the live action remake – some forty years later.

Fact is, nearly ALL Sixties film and TV themes have lyrics. You just never HEAR most of them.

Why? Well, it started when opportunistic record producers began dragging the stars of popular TV shows (or PROPER vocalists) into recording studios for the purpose of making MONEY on the backs of said shows.

Benny from “Crossroads”, Jon Pertwee, the then-Dr Who – they all did it. Some of these efforts even became successful. Richard Chamberlain sang “Three Stars Will Shine Tonight” (flat) to the theme from “Doctor Kildare” – Rosemary Clooney sang “The Wonderful Story Of Love” (the “Peyton Place” theme) – and so on.

So the next time you hear a popular TV or film theme – particularly from the Sixties – that HAS no lyrics you’ve ever heard – try fitting the title, or lead character’s name into it.

You’ll usually find it FITS!

Damien on… "24" – Fox "News" Is BACK!

Let’s get one thing straight from the start – “24″ is a COMEDY. Every year, Jack has a BAD DAY. And every year, the writers try to ramp up the absurdities from the previous year.

But the MOST absurd aspect was that for the first few years, ALL of the TVs that were in shot – including the White House ones – had Fox “News” showing.

POTUS getting his/her news from FOX??! That would be like Pinky and Perky (Cameron and Clegg) reading THE SUN!

Of course, “24″ is MADE by Fox – but Fox TV. Or as they like to call themselves – “the NICE Fox”.

So around season five, it seems they decided that while Jack’s and POTUS’s excesses were hard to believe, the idea the US government got its news from FOX was stretching credibility TOO far – so then suddenly, the TVs all had a CNN-clone logo (I think it was GNN).

Fine. Except NOW, in season eight (the last) the FOX “News” logo on all the TVs has RETURNED!!

WHY?? One can understand Fox TV’s eagerness to DISTANCE itself from the hysterical right-wing tabloid rantings of its ugly sister network – even on a show like “24″ - so why go BACK?

Footnote: The WordPress Spell-checker only objected to TWO words in the above piece – GNN (it was fine with CNN – and even POTUS, the acronym for President Of The United States) – and CLEGG. But the interesting thing was – it was ALSO fine with CAMERON. TRY it yourself – WordPress ACCEPTS Cameron but REJECTS Clegg. Make of THAT what you will!

SECOND footnote: In the ABOVE footnote, it also rejected WORDPRESS (inferiority complex?) – and Cameron in UPPER-CASE! Seems to me, there’s a subtext THERE as WELL! But I’m not spell-checking THIS footnote – or I could be here all damn DAY!

Damien on… Meat

About fifteen years ago, this reporter wrote a piece saying that in his lifetime, using stem-cell research and genetic engineering – it OUGHT to be possible to CLONE meat. GROW it, like crops.

And having been originated from a couple of cells taken from a living animal, which would then receive a pat on its back and be sent on its way – for the first time, veggies and even Vegans (Live Long And Prosper) could enjoy PROPER food.

Well, a short time ago, scientists announced they had taken the first steps to achieving that goal and had produced something that was said to taste like “wet pork”.

Now that may not sound too appetising, but remember; in the Sixties, it only took scientists TEN YEARS to go from chucking a man up into low orbit – to landing two of them on the MOON.

And so this thinker has begun looking forward. It certainly now appears that in his lifetime, it WILL be possible to eat cloned chicken, pork and beef.

But why stop there?

The same science could be extended to OTHER animals – which would mean that certain S.E. Asian peoples could finally eat dolphin, cat and dog without the rest of the World HATING them for it.

But why stop THERE?

What about HUMAN meat? Primitive tribes used to be quite happy, chomping on recently deceased relatives – or ANYONE from a neighbouring tribe. And you KNOW you’ve always wondered what human flesh TASTES like – haven’t you?

But WHY stop THERE??

How about “designer” human meat? A few cells removed (no more painless than an injection) a few papers signed and CELEBRITIES could make a FORTUNE. “Enjoying that Beyoncé-Burger?”

BUT WHY STOP THERE???

What do YOU taste like? And your opposite number? There’s no reason why the technology could not quickly become affordable for the common man. You could dine on YOURSELF. And come Christmas, send parcels of your very OWN meat to friends and relatives.

Okay. Back there, is the line – and here is ME.

Damien on… PINs, VINs, Etc.

Everyone calls them “pin numbers” and “vin numbers” – but they are WRONG.

PIN and VIN are ACRONYMS – for Personal Identification Number and Vehicle Identification Number, respectively.

Thus if one says “pin NUMBER” one is effectively saying “personal identification number number” – and it’s the same with “vin number”.

It’s like those people who call London’s “La Valbonne Club” – “THE La Valbonne Club”. “La” is French for “the” (feminine). Therefore, they are saying ”The The Valbonne Club”.

And then there’s the Sahara Desert. “Sahara” is Arabic for “desert” – thus “the Sahara Desert” is “the Desert Desert”.

It should just be “PIN”, “VIN”, “La Valbonne Club” and “the Sahara”.

I need to get out more…

Damien on… "What's that crap you're listening to? In MY day, we had REAL music."

…is the cry EVERY teen has heard from their parents, since Pop Music began (around 1920).

If you were a Child Of The Sixties, your parents’ music would have been Forties Big-Band – lead by the highly commercial sound of Glenn Miller.

If your time was the Seventies, it would have been Fifties Rock ‘N’ Roll. Indeed, given the muddled musical profile of that decade, it is not surprising that Fifties R ‘N’ R made a COMEBACK of sorts – in the form of “Plastic Teds” like Gary Glitter and Mud.

Of course, if your era was the Eighties, your parents’ would have been the Sixties. However, since the Eighties was a sort of mini-rerun of the Sixties, it was likely your parents were cool with the contemporary sounds.

But if your period was the NINETIES, you must have had a weird time – since the Seventies were a MESS. They began with Prog (progressive) Rock for the discerning listeners – and GLAM Rock for the KIDS. Then Funk took over for a bit – until the decade ended with the biggest SPLIT in Pop Music since the Fifties.

While most assume Rock ‘N’ Roll DOMINATED that decade – the charts of the time tell a different story. Since old men ruled the radio networks and record companies, it was relegated to “specialist” status, while M.O.R. actually predominated.

And as the Seventies waned, a similar split occurred. Except for M.O.R. read Disco – and for Rock ‘N’ Roll, read PUNK.

This not to say the styles were SIMILAR. Fifties M.O.R. was merely light orchestral pieces with cheesy vocals, while Disco evolved from Funk and emerged from the gay discotheques of New York – and Rock ‘N’ Roll came from a merging of black Rhythm ‘N’ Blues with white Rockabilly (plus elements of Jump-Jive and Boogie thrown in for good measure) while Punk was more about fashion and anti-establishmentism than the music – which was second-rate R ‘N’ B.

Thus the music your parents claim was REAL – depends on which school of Seventies Pop they went for.

And now we are fast approaching the end of ANOTHER decade (at the time of typing, in three days time – 31/12/10 – there was no year zero) during which the kids’ parents would have berated their offspring with tales of the New Romantic sound of the early Eighties.

But what of the FUTURE? Well, over the next decade, kids can expect to hear all about the Pet Shop Boys, ABC, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, et al. But since Pop Music DIED in 1990 – what then?

The only legitimate Pop Music that existed in the Nineties was TRANCE. And it’s hard to see how parents will sell THAT to their progeny – since it was actually DANCE Music.

But since people are having kids LATER these days – or not at all - THAT problem will not occur until around 2030. If this historian is still AROUND then, he’ll get back to you…

Damien on… Top Ten Things You NEVER Want To Hear Yourself Saying

…with apologies to Dave Letterman. DiggerVision cancelled his show here in Asia, to save money – so I cancelled DiggerVision, with the same result. Anyway, here goes…

(1) “This is The Music Show – our next record is 4’33″ by John Cage.”

(2) “The girl was already dead, when I entered her flat.”

(3) “My satellite decoder is stuck on Fox News.”

(4) “I’ve never had sexual relations with any animal.”

(5) “Only ten more minutes to Butlins.”

(6) “I’ve never seen this ten-year-old boy in my life.”

(7) “For my Last Meal, I’d like…”

(8) “Actually, I quite enjoy Country Music.”

(9) “I need a one-way ticket to England.”

(10) “I’m a hundred years old today.”

Damien on… Sex, American Style

Yanks always reckon the British are a bunch of stiffs (so to speak) when it comes to sex.

This despite the fact that prostitution is LEGAL in Britain – whereas in The States, you get BUSTED for it. And in Britain, you can do it at sixteen – whereas in many U.S. States, you have to wait until you are an absurd EIGHTEEN.

Well now along comes a statistic which, if it is to be believed, goes even FURTHER to destroy the Yanks’ assumptions. Apparently, the average American woman can expect to have just THREE sexual partners in a lifetime, while the average American man can expect only FIVE.

Now, quite apart from this appearing to suggest that TWO of those guys will be having sex with EACH OTHER – is the fact that statistically, a BRITISH man – and WOMAN – can expect to get through FIFTEEN TO TWENTY partners in THEIR lifetime.

As a British man of fifty-eight summers, I myself have been inside one hundred and six women – one hundred and SEVEN, if you include my mother. Let me rephrase that…

Damien on… The Grand Old Duke Of York

“The Grand Old Duke Of York

He had ten thousand men

He marched them up to the top of the hill

And he marched them down again

And when they were up they were up

And when they were down they were down

And when they were only half way up

He issued them with Viagra”

Damien on… The 1987 Climate Shift

I’ll never forget the night of the 15th October, 1987. It was the night a HURRICANE hit Britain – the size of which had not been seen for centuries (although, a few years later, it would happen again).

I was one of the few people who actually SAW it – since it occurred during the small hours of October the 16th. I was taking a late bath – and having the traditional SMALL British bathroom, had opened the window for some fresh air.

But as time went by, the fresh air got fresher. And FRESHER. The note of the wind rose. And ROSE. And… Holy crap! I thought. The bathroom curtain was now HORIZONTAL.

Towelling off, I approached the window – and saw bits of tree blowing past it. As I poked my head out, it was like poking one’s head out of the window of an Inter-City 125. This was SERIOUS wind.

I watched the havoc for a while, but eventually the note began to drop – so I repaired to bed.

In the morning, I turned on the radio in time to hear the announcer remark that Sevenoaks had now become ONEoak. He then went on to describe the catalogue of disaster that had befallen southern Britain. He finished by reading out a government recommendation to stay at HOME.

But, not wishing to piss off my lords and masters (not to mention I was curious to SEE the devastation) I rang my company. At that time, I was a service engineer and the company told me there was one job near me at Southend and that if I could reach it, that would be nice – but to take it EASY.

So off I went. The first thing I noticed, upon leaving the house, were the walls and trees that had been FLATTENED last night. There were not many cars about and it did not take long to discover why – there were trees down EVERYWHERE. Fifteen MILLION, I later learned.

After slowly picking my way around them, I eventually arrived at Southend. My abiding memory of that day was a standard, two-storey brick building which had had its entire outer wall RIPPED away, by suction. It looked like a dolls-house with the front open.

But it was about three years later before I realised this was not an isolated incident. After the Summer of ’90 had begun in late June and ended in early July, I got a hunch. I booked my ’91 holiday for the same period.

People thought I was nuts – and booked theirs for the conventional August.

Next year, I was the ONLY employee who enjoyed a SUNNY British holiday.

As those early Nineties progressed, I noticed the strange weather was not being limited to Britain. And when finally there was a twelve-month period where, EVERY month, somewhere in the World an extreme weather record that had stood “since records began” had been SMASHED – I realised Something Was Up.

I began to tell people that in my view – there had been a World-Wide Climate Shift – but I might as well have tried telling them the sky was falling. I began to understand how Galileo must have felt.

But eventually, others began to notice things had changed (when they are up to their arses in water, even BRITS wake up). Rain in deserts, mudslides where they had never happened before – the sort of things that GET noticed.

In time, questions began to be asked.

But for several years, the weathermen (despite their technology, they are as reliable as astrologers – you cannot predict the weather) trotted out their lame anecdotes of MINOR decade-shifts – and claimed people only remember extreme weather.

While the government stayed shtum about the whole business. Finally, they began saying there MIGHT have been a shift. But by that time, the TV companies had no DOUBT – and began making PROGRAMMES about it, stating it as FACT.

However, it was now SIX YEARS after THIS reporter began HIS claims (it IS nice to be able to say – “I TOLD you so!”). My only regret is I did not start WRITING until 1994 – so I have no PROOF.

But I still KNOW I was right – and it was ME who gave it its name…

The 1987 Climate Shift.

Damien on… Californians: Doing It AGAIN

Californians like to think of themselves as the most ADVANCED people on the planet. Dream on, guys.

In the Sunshine State, sex is illegal until you are eighteen (three years AFTER men hit their sexual peak) prostitution is illegal (you CANNOT eradicate the World’s Oldest Profession) and they (officially) have the death penalty.

But despite these facts, California still see their society as the pinnacle of civilization and value what they see as their freedom.

Yet a few months ago, despite their second-largest city being the Gay Capital Of The World, they voted DOWN same-sex marriage.

And now, despite ALL of the truths about marijuana – AND the fact their state has more stoners than any other – they have voted down the “legalization” of THAT, TOO!

Californians (thanks to their Hollywood) still see the British as bowler-hatted STIFFS – yet in Britain, you can bonk at SIXTEEN (the highest age in Europe) prostitution is LEGAL and we got rid of the death penalty DECADES ago.

And despite its not yet having been de-criminalised in Blighty, it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to get busted for pot (unless you nick a copper’s STASH).

Therefore BRITAIN is the peak of civilization? Hardly – it is the most RETARDED country in Europe! So where does that leave bloody CALIFORNIA?

Damien on… Chinese Goods

Once upon a time, “Made In England” and even “Made In America” MEANT something. A guarantee of QUALITY. Perhaps not the BEST quality – but you knew what you were getting. In fact, even “Made In Germany” did not guarantee TOP quality – have you tried their mobile phones? Crap. Get a Nokia.

But when the West pissed away its manufacturing base and China took over, quality became a thing of the PAST. Their workers toiled away for peanuts and were prepared to work under conditions that would have shamed the West in the FIFTIES. But there was – and is – a PROBLEM.

COMPETITION.

Let us take an example. You buy an umbrella. A British or American one (which no longer exists) would cost you the Western equivalent of fifty Yuan (I’ve no idea what a Yuan’s worth – this is just for comparison, so work with me, okay?) But a Chinese one only costs twenty Yuan.

However, the struts are not made of stainless steel and begin to rust after the brolly’s first outing, staining its fabric. Then, after a few more outings, a high wind blows it inside out and the now-weakened struts SNAP – leaving you standing there like an idiot, getting WET.

At this point, you realise you would have been happy to have paid THIRTY Yuan – if the manufacturer had used STAINLESS steel. But he DIDN’T. And therein lies the problem with Chinese goods. It is made down to a PRICE – not up to a quality.

Certainly, the Wang Kee umbrella company COULD have used stainless steel – but then the brollys would have cost him fifteen Yuan to make, instead of ten. Meaning they would have had to leave his factory gates at seventeen Yuan a unit, instead of twelve.

And the ROOT of this problem is: while this may have been fine for YOU, Mr Wang Kee is not SELLING his products to you. He is selling them to a WHOLESALER. And that guy is not going to pay seventeen Yuan a unit for brollys when the Wun Hung Lo company sell theirs for TWELVE.

Plus neither the manufacturer OR the wholesaler are there for you to YELL at, when your brolly collapses and you are left standing in the damn RAIN.

Damien on… Pinky And Perky: At It Already

I see Pinky and Perky are trying to rip off every pensioner (including ME) for FIVE GRAND-odd, by putting the “retirement age” BACK a year. Their logic is people are living longer.

However, we have been paying TAXES all that time, on the PROMISE of a government pension at 65. The last time the Torybastards were in power, they tried MEANS-TESTING pensions – the logic being “rich people” didn’t need them.

But rich people would have meant anyone who had bought their own HOUSE – something the Torybastards themselves had urged people to do, a decade earlier.

Luckily, the COURTS OVERTURNED that one – pointing out that the Torybastards had a LEGAL OBLIGATION to pay pensions. But where are those courts THIS time?

Funny how (ALL) British governments aren’t in FIVE MINUTES before they start targeting the poor, the vulnerable and the PENSIONERS.

Damien on… The Right Hon. David Cameron, MP And The Right Hon. Nick Clegg, MP

As it happens, I am indebted to a woman on a Bournemouth bus for the following: her conversation with her friend was overheard by a friend of MINE – and now, like the ripples in a limpid pool, it spreads outwards…

An apt name for the gentlemen in the title… PINKY AND PERKY!

This is how these things begin – PASS IT ON!!!

Damien on… Star Movies

Star Movies is the DiggerVision movie channel, here in S.E. Asia. And it has an absurd, self-imposed “classification” system. I say absurd, since virtually ALL their movies are “rated” as either “cert 15″ or “cert 16″ (like there’s a difference) – but are actually cut LOWER than PG13!

So it was with glee that I saw they were premiering Sasha Baron Cohen’s “Brüno” at 23:25 hrs, instead of the usual 20:00 – and had given it a “cert 18″. Goody! It must SURELY be UNCUT.

While I understand the DVD has extra scenes (the film is episodic – so some bits were always going to work better than others) and a couple of sequences were cut in post (including one with references to Michael Jackson, who died just before the film’s release) the theatrical release of “Brüno” runs eighty-one minutes.

In Britain it was released in two forms: uncut, with an OFFICIAL cert 18 – and as “Brüno: Snipped” it lost two minutes to become a cert 15 (thus becoming available to the lucrative young-teen market). The two versions went out together.

The story was similar in other countries. In Australia, a few seconds were cut to get a 15 rating. In New Zealand, it was given a cert 16, uncut.

But on Star Movies, having allocated it their “cert 18″ – and relegated it to nearly midnight – it only ran sixty-four minutes. They had cut it by SEVENTEEN MINUTES!

Are you KIDDING ME, Digger???

So thanks to that prat, I will now have to wait for the DVD. At least THEY are COMPLETE in S.E. Asia – even the LEGITIMATE ones. And I will be able to see all those other bits that did not QUITE work – but I suspect will STILL be funnier than most Hollywood films that CALL themselves comedies.

Footnote: it was nice to hear THIS again… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V79HBRTgkK0

Damien on… If You Could Be Anyone…

…in the World – living or dead – who would you be?

A dafter question would be hard to think of.

I mean – you’re YOU. You’re STUCK with you. If you answered with the name of a famous footballist, musician, film star, F1 driver or whoever – it merely that means you ENVY them. You could never BE them.

They can play football – or an instrument – or can act – or drive a car REALLY fast. You can NOT – which is why you are just you.

If you were placed in their BODY – but retained your mind – you would not have the training, experience or talent that they have. Thus it would not be long before someone asked, “Who are you – and what have you done with (whoever)?”

And if you were placed in their body WITH their mind – then you would BE them!

Damien on… Movie “Trilogies”

Sequels have been around since the days of “The Great Train Robbery” – Hollywood’s first narrative movie – even though the films did not have NUMBERS. The fact the studios had their house styles, the actors their genres and most people saw a movie based on its poster – meant no-one went to an RKO picture starring Fred and Ginger, expecting it to be a gangster movie.

Likewise a musical with Warner and Bogart – or a romantic comedy with Universal and Karloff – or a sci-fi horror with MGM – or a… I think I’ve made my point.

But the Trilogy is a RECENT phenomenon – and one which carries more RISK. The idea is, having made a movie that has COINED it, you capitalise by making not ONE sequel, but TWO. Back-to-back.

The advantage of making back-to-back movies is – they save you a LOT of money.

Since the collapse of the studio system, where everything you needed was “in-house” – the writers, directors, designers, choreographers, cinematographers, stars, support-actors, extras, crew, sound-stages, props, costumes, scenery, chippies, plasterers, sparks, composers, orchestra, recording studio, stock footage, miniatures, special effects, opticals, cameras, sound equipment, lights, lighting gantries, editing suites, film-labs, back-lots, restaurant, publicity and legal departments, offices, accommodation, etc., were all on the PREMISES and exteriors were shot by second units and doubles, while the actors worked in the studio in front of ”plates” (back-projected film loops) – all films have essentially been ONE-OFFS.

Thus making a movie today is primarily about ASSEMBLING all the above into a unit, where everybody and everything is there and ready to go.

Which means that making two movies SIMULTANEOUSLY is WAY cheaper than doing all of that assembling TWICE.

HOWEVER… just because a movie makes a packet, does not mean committing to TWO sequels is a good idea. While making both together might SAVE you a fortune – if they TANK, you could LOSE one.

The first time I recall this trick being performed, was after the massive success of “Back To The Future”. Two sequels were envisaged – one was a clever build on the first – the second, a major departure (a WESTERN, no less).

Since the Golden Rule Of Sequels is that the second movie must be FIFTY PERCENT BETTER than the original (as it no longer has ORIGINALITY on its side) for people to perceive it as being AS GOOD – they worked HARD on it. And to be fair, it grossed more than the third movie – although most people rate that third much HIGHER.

But it worked. The budget for the first was US$19M and it netted over 170. So they could afford to throw back 40 for the sequels. And those pushed the overall net to 379 – all three making a healthy profit.

More recently, “The Matrix” repeated the trick. The first had a budget of 63 and also netted around 170. But this time, the budget for the sequels was 150 – so if they had tanked, they would have swallowed most of the profit from the first.

However, they need not have worried. The second was a TRIUMPH – it took the originality of the first and RAMPED IT UP, making it the most successful of the three. And even though the third was a lot of talking heads in the first half – and a slew of effects in the second – it still made a fair profit, taking the overall net to around 452.

But other trilogies have not been so lucky. A sequel is already a tricky thing – gone are the days when you could just HYPE one – release it BIG over a bank holiday weekend – and sit back to count your money. These days, the fans are WISE. They use texts, the Interweb and word-of-mouth to KILL a sequel, if it is a turkey.

And if THAT happens – you may find your third movie was A Bridge Too Far!

Damien on… Pensions

Governments HATE raising taxes. But when are they going to GROW a pair and TELL PEOPLE that unless they wish to work until they DROP – their pension has to be PAID for?

Then point out that faceless government pukes managing their pension is WAY better than leaving it in the hands of fat-cat businessmen – and that either way, it will always ULTIMATELY be the PUBLIC who will have to FUND it.

So suck it up, political parties – come CLEAN. Announce that if elected, you will RAISE taxes – and then promise the electorate they can retire at FIFTY.

And if they are still unconvinced, point out that this measure will also ELIMINATE unemployment…

Damien on… Peter Sellers and Michael Caine

Peter Sellers was one of the greatest mimics, character actors and comedians who ever breathed. I once saw him being interviewed on location in France – and an old Frenchman wandered past, grumbling to himself – and Peter suddenly broke off what he was saying and did a PERFECT imitation of the old geezer. Whether it was in cod-French or actual French I do not recall – but I remember the intonation was PERFECT.

But like all great actors, Sellers was a bundle of nerves, paranoia – and was a LOUSY CHAT-SHOW guest.

However, Michael Parkinson did not know that until in 1974, Peter was booked as a guest on his show.

The man turned up – but as they were being made up, he suddenly turned to Parky and said, “I can’t go on.”

“What?” said the Yorkshireman.

“I can’t do this. I’m an actor. I NEVER go on as ME.”

“Look,” said Parky, “You’ve GOT to go on. The studio is ready – the audience is ready and I’M ready. We’ve advertised your appearance – and anyway, it’s too late to find a replacement.”

“But I do FILMS, not stage.”

“What about The Goons? You were on stage then.”

“Yeah, but I was with Harry and Spike. And I was playing CHARACTERS – loads of them. I can’t DO ME.”

At this point, Parky went ballistic. He always had a Yorkshireman’s temper – the audience would see a flash of it when later, Sellers would refer to his Dad as a “right” Yorkshireman (and if you want to see Parky REALLY throwing a strop, click on http://www.metacafe.com/watch/5186653/bbc_internal_christmas_tape_79_uncensored_outtakes_etc/ – at about 8:10 in – but not now, I’m talking).

Anyhoo, Parky said, “Look – I don’t care WHO you come on as – just so long as you COME ON.”

So a production assistant took Peter to the BBC Wardrobe Department, while Parky went to start the show. Finally, someone gave him the nod that Sellers was ready and he introduced him, not knowing WHAT to expect.

What he got was Sellers – dressed in a leather greatcoat and a WW2 German “squarehead” helmet (which always got a laugh in post-war Britain). Parky himself fell about laughing – as much in relief that he now had a show, as at the apparition that had presented itself.

Peter goose-stepped around and improvised a character for a bit. Then, when he felt more at ease, threw the gear off and gave a GREAT interview.

You can find THAT at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuaN3K4AMmk – but save the thought – I’m still talking!

After this show, Peter only ever gave one more long interview. In that one, he told his anecdote about Michael Caine.

It was the one where he said that he had seen Michael telling everyone at a party who would listen various fun-factoids from The Guinness Book Of Records – and had ended his stories with “Not a lot of people know that” – doing a perfect impression of Caine.

And for years, this became a catch-phrase that haunted Mike Caine – until it got supplanted, latterly, by “You were only supposed to blow the bloody DOORS off,” from “The Italian Job” (like “No, Mr Bond… I expect you to DIE,” from “Goldfinger” – it took TIME to catch on).

Mike even gave his name to a fun-factoid book CALLED “Not A Lot Of People Know That” – with his likeness on the cover – the proceeds of which were for CHARITY.

And it is an indication of the legendary generosity of Mr Caine that it was not until after Peter’s death that Mike let the TRUTH out.

He had never SAID the phrase. The whole story was BOGUS!

Sellers had wanted to do his impression of Caine, but had no anecdote to hang it on. So, not considering that it wasn’t exactly complementary to his fellow actor, Sellers just MADE ONE UP on the spot.

But knowing the truth would hurt Peter, Mike had let it lie. Only after Sellers had passed, did he come clean.

Unfortunately, I do not HAVE that interview on VT – but now that I have finished, you are more than welcome to check out the other two clips I have left links for, above.

The Parky bit is instructive – and so is the Sellers interview. YouTube now gives you 15 minutes, so I did a neat edit of ALL the non-musical, non-German-Army material. Enjoy!

Damien on… The Christmas Story

It is currently September the eighth, which means the shops will soon be turning our minds to the subject of Christmas. And then, the schools will force our kids to reenact that old chestnut – The Christmas Story.

But what is this story REALLY about? Let us examine it.

Joseph and his heavily pregnant wife Mary have to travel from Nazareth to Bethlehem – a distance of some NINETY MILES – to take part in a census. Which means that even (literally) in the year DOT, those bloody BUREAUCRATS were screwing people’s lives up.

According to the legend, Joe WALKED while his wife rode on a donkey – that’s some schlepp.

Then when they got to Bethlehem, there was No Room At The Inn. Well of course there wasn’t – the hotels were all occupied by others coming for that sodding CENSUS (no, the hotels were not booked up ’cause it was CHRISTMAS – THINK about it).

So poor old Mary ends up giving birth in a STABLE. It’s a wonder Jesus SURVIVED.

Then three wise guys turn up with gold and scent. Of course, the one who brought the GOLD must have felt a proper Charlie – but he got off EASY compared to JOE.

Here is a man who marries a woman, gives her a son – yet is known for the next TWO THOUSAND YEARS (and counting) as a chap who could not even manage to make LOVE with his wife – she is always referred to as The VIRGIN Mary – and further, after dragging her ninety-odd miles on an ass, when she gives birth to his son – it was not HIS.

Joseph has to be the greatest LOSER of ALL TIME.

Damien on… "Hallmark" TV

I understand Hallmark Cards (“You know you’re getting old and sad – And have lived too many years – When hair stops growing on your head – And starts sprouting out your ears” – like that) own or lend their name to a number of cable and satellite channels, all over the World.

But I can only speak for the Asian version, whose demographic appears to be ageing American bimbos (they run execrable shows with people like Oprah Winfrey, Jane Seymour and Martha Stewart). The thing is, they just changed their name from The Hallmark Channel to – DIVA.

Did they really think that through?

Damien on… The Funeral Of Ludwig van Beethoven

Vienna, 1827.

As Ludwig lay in his closed casket, those who passed by thought they heard strange musical sounds coming from inside. They reported this to the clergy, who checked it out.

After they had listened to the eerie sounds for a few moments, one of them suddenly straightened and said, “I know what that is – it’s his Fifth Symphony – but the notes are being played BACKWARDS.”

They listened for a while longer. “Yes, that’s his Fourth, now,” said the cleric.

At this point, the officiating minister turned to the congregation and said, “There’s nothing to worry about. The sounds you heard were merely Herr Beethoven – decomposing.”

Damien on… Double Yolk Eggs

I have written about many things in these columns – most of which I knew a fair bit about. And when I needed extra info or confirmation of something I THOUGHT I knew about, it was all there to be found, on the Interweb.

But now I am going to have a crack (so to speak) at something about which I AND said Interweb know LITTLE – Double Yolk Eggs. Until recently, I had rarely happened upon one of these curios.

The perceived wisdom is that they only occur about one time in a THOUSAND. Indeed, a major British newspaper (well – the Daily Mail) recently ran a STORY about a woman who had bought a carton of six eggs that ALL had double yolks.

They raved that the odds were a million, million million-to-one against.

Well if that were true, the THIRTY double yolk eggs I recently purchased at my local market in Thailand – ALL of which were double yolked – give odds of one in one million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million. Or so.

Which would probably equate to all the grains of sand on all the beaches of the World.

BOLLOCKS!!!

No. OUTSIDE of the blurb from the recognised egg authorities lies anecdotal info. It seems that while COMMERCIALLY-PRODUCED eggs only give a double-yolker about once every thousand times – farm produced eggs can be MANIPULATED.

F’rinstance, there is a hatchery in India which SPECIALISES in breeding chickens that produce more than 50% double yolk eggs (100% is no good, as the eggs are not viable – two chicks trying to hatch in one shell would KILL each other).

And someone claimed WAITROSE used to sell them in six-packs, back in the SIXTIES.

Furthermore, another source said “markets in various countries” sell them. The guy who sold me my eggs BOASTED they were all double-yolkers. They are about 50% BIGGER than regular eggs – and cost 50% more. Potato – potato.

The thing is, once you organise your hens to produce a fair percentage of these oddities – they are easy to separate. You only need to shine a light through them to determine the number of yolks. One imagines you can AUTOMATE that. A conveyor belt – light – screen – some electronics – and a sort of “points” affair, to direct doubles one way and singles the other.

Supermarket eggs are unreliable here, so I get MARKET eggs. But even with those, there is always the occasional bad’un, so I float test each one. Thus I can vouch for the FRESHNESS of these giant eggs. Plus they taste GREAT. And as for health issues – I have had NO ill effects from the thirty I have already eaten.

Apart from the second HEAD I am currently growing…

Damien on… Symbols Of Virility – And How WRONG Most Of Them ARE!

If you see a bloke walking a Pit Bull, he must be “hard” – right? Well, no – his vicious DOG is hard. If HE was hard, he’d not need the DOG.

And if you see a man caressing a cat in his lap – “This time you die, Mr Bond!” – he too is a pussy, right? Well, again no. Show me a man who knows how to satisfy a cat and I will show you a man who knows how to satisfy a WOMAN.

And these virility symbols are not limited to men. Women get “breast augmentation” installed and some sad men think it is for THEM. But yet again, NO. Hey, fella – do you really think a woman would go through all that pain and expense for YOU?

Get REAL! Fake tits are for the benefit of OTHER WOMEN. Women see them as a symbol of THEIR power. In any case, men who actually LIKE them should get themselves a “Lonely Sailor’s Companion” (a blow-up sex doll) – they feel about the same.

And it is amazing the things people THINK are virility symbols. Like a full head of hair on an ageing Lothario. Wig-manufacturers make a FORTUNE from this fallacy. And so do the snake-oil salesmen with their “cures” for balding.

Which is ironic, since said potions give men “man-boobs” and LOWER their virility – while thinning hair is actually a SIGN of virility. Along with pot-bellies and hairy backs, it is caused by testosterone – the male HORMONE.

So, women: if you see a bald, cat-loving man with middle-age spread, standing next to a slim, dog-loving “man’s man” with a full head of hair – choose the CAT guy. He’s the BUTCH one (and he might be ME!)

Damien on… Nick Clegg's Choice

Two months ago, this author penned TWO pieces on the British Hung Parliament. One was lower down this very column at http://damienatloppers.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/damien-on-referenda/ - the other was on my Zen brother’s column at http://corneliusatloppers.wordpress.com/2010/05/08/cornelius-on-britains-corrupt-electoral-system/

BOTH of the pieces warned Cleggy to tread CAREFULLY. They pointed out that this would be his ONLY chance to CHANGE Britain’s unfair two-party system of government – one in which the two main parties have spent nearly NINETY YEARS moving the “boundaries” around, thus ensuring Britain would REMAIN a two-party state.

This writer stated that if Cleggy formed a COALITION with either party, he and his party would be SIDE-LINED – ABSORBED by the larger party – and instead, recommended a BILL-BY-BILL arrangement.

Well, now we know what happened. Having been seduced by the post of Deputy Prime Minister – a NON-job with a fancy title (he gets to stand next to Cameron, looking like a partner in a gay marriage – guess who’s the WOMAN) while certain of his gang got other, lesser posts in Cameron’s Cabinet – he BLEW IT.

Oh sure, he has the promise of a REFERENDUM (see the piece way below) – but all he gets if he wins is a meagre HALF STEP to Proportional Representation – the Alternative Vote system.

And he WON’T win.

The CATCH with the deal he thrashed out with Cameron was that the Tories will be free to campaign AGAINST the idea. And Labour (despite earlier promises to consider it) will for once join their opposite numbers in campaigning LIKEWISE.

So Cleggy hasn’t got a rat’s chance in HELL of winning that referendum vote. And when the bill crashes and burns, his already weak position will be weakened still further – he may even be forced OUT of office.

When smugbastard Cameron made his deal with Cleggy, he was no fool. He KNEW Britain will NEVER vote to change their lousy two-party system – they have had NUMEROUS opportunities to do so in the past.

This historian has the dubious distinction of RARELY being wrong when predicting BAD things and he confidently predicts that next year, Cleggy will LOSE his referendum – and with it, his one opportunity to finally break Britain FREE of its unfair two-party system – and quite possibly, his non-JOB.

Remember – you heard it here first…

Damien on… From Left To Right?

“Show me a young Conservative and I’ll show you a man without a heart. Show me an old Liberal and I’ll show you a man without a head.”

Thus goes the adage – with many variations.

The basic message is that a young person SHOULD be idealistic – but a mature person should have LEARNED from life and be more pragmatic.

In short, Liberal ideals are naïve – while only Conservative ideals are PRACTICAL.

Well – bollocks.

This writer is now fifty-seven – and is as liberal today as he was forty years ago. But someone is trying to tell him otherwise.

A recent theory has emerged which says while all of us ageing Hippies THINK we are still liberal – we have actually embraced many Conservative ideals. As we have matured, the Real World has impinged upon us, causing us – without our KNOWLEDGE – to move to the Right.

They cite personality tests where my generation have been given questionnaires – and our answers have shown many of us have – by stealth – become the very people whom, in our youth, we despised.

Well, this may have happened to SOME of my brothers and sisters – but not to THIS writer.

During these last forty years, I believe I have formed a comprehensive and balanced understanding of what makes this World tick – and it steps to the beat of a LIBERAL drummer.

For sure, Communism doesn’t work – Russia took seventy years to find THAT out.

But nor does Free Enterprise – America is finding that out NOW.

The only system that has ANY chance of saving what is left of our World is LIBERALISM.

And given that it is seen as the MIDDLE, moderate route – it ought to be a lot more POPULAR!

Damien on… “Open Carry”

One of the many bizarrities (my word) to be seen in the United States these days is the business of “Open Carry” – namely, the practice of parading (in the UK: poncing) around public places with a FIREARM strapped to your waist.

Apparently, several states are perfectly happy for people to sit in a McDonalds, packing HEAT (in the UK: tooled up). Of course, whoa betide them should they light up a CIGARETTE – that would endanger health.

Anyhoo, the law appears to stem from the idea that only a CONCEALED weapon is likely to be used in a criminal manner.

And this anomaly results in gangs of tubby, middle-aged, shirt-in types with small penises (Republicans to a man) swanking around (no, I said SWANKING – with an ‘S’) looking like The Wild Bunch meets a firm of Independent Financial Advisors.

Last year, one even turned up at one of Barack O’Bama’s “Town Hall” meetings – THAT must have gone down well with the Secret Service. 

But as far as restaurants are concerned, given the choice between a seat next to a SMOKER or one of THOSE guys – I know which I would choose.

Damien on… Prohibition

It has been a while since I did some Yank-bashing – so here goes…

America has a saying: “Fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on ME.” A clumsy aphorism perhaps, but valid nonetheless.

Which makes one wonder what nitwit came up with the War On Drugs?

I mean, ninety years ago, they tried prohibiting the production, sale and use of alcoholic beverages and where did that get them? Billions of dollars wasted, umpteen people killed and injured, bursting prisons and an empowered organised crime network, that’s where.

After thirteen years, they saw the futility of their actions and REPEALED the stupid law. But did they LEARN from the experience? Of course not.

Fifty years later, they began their War On Drugs. And what has been the result of THAT? See above.

And this time, it is even worse. At least, the last time, they REALISED their folly after thirteen years. But their War On Drugs has been going on for FORTY now – with no end in sight.

Footnote: I hear Sarah Palin says she smoked marijuana – but did not like it. Could it simply be that the marijuana did not like HER?

Damien on… The World Cup

I LIKE footballing. It’s short and quite exciting: how many balls can the footballist kick past the goal attendant?

But I cannot fathom why they have to run around a field for two hours first…

Damien on… Fonzie Is Cool(?)

The “Happy Days” character of Arthur Fonzerelli had originally been a minor character, based loosely on John Milner in “American Graffiti” – upon which the sitcom was (also loosely) based.

But as the series progressed, due to his popularity, the character was built up – until HE became the star. At which point, the merchandising went MAD.

And yes, I admit it – for a while, I wore a “Fonzie Is Cool” badge.

If I had been a twelve-year-old girl, it would have been fine. And although this was several years prior to the “post-ironic” period (pre-post-ironic?) I could have carried it off if I had been over seventy – just as a laugh.

But I was a twenty-five-year-old man.

I am ashamed.

Damien on… Thai Fags

Thai cigarettes used to be virtually tax-free – thus were a TENTH of the price of those back in Britain. Now they have added some tax – but they are STILL an EIGHTH of the price.

Thus I suppose I can put up with the offensive pictures which cover half the packet on Thai ciggies – but they still annoy me.

Offensive pictures? What of? Nazis? Doggie-do? Portraits of Glenn Beck? No. They feature lurid, full-colour pictures of people who have black, red and purple innards – presumably as a result of smoking.

Serves you right, the anti-smokers would say. It’s educational. You have no RIGHT to be offended. Give UP the dreaded weed.

Hmm. But I wonder how THEY would feel if KFC buckets came with full colour pictures of bloated, morbidly-obese kids on them? Or how about pictures of blood-spattered pedestrian casualties, on the dashboards of their Toyotas?

‘Nuff said.

Damien on… Devious Devices

First came the shoe-bomber: and shortly afterwards, a check-in security device was announced that would blow air up underneath a traveller, to “sniff out” explosives.

Then came the underpants bomber: and another device was announced that would see through travellers’ clothing.

The thing is, these technical devices are generally invented by grown-up NERDS.

And what we have here are essentially: a device that blows a woman’s skirt up – and another which looks suspiciously like those “X-Ray Spex” from times past.

Am I the only one to see a connection here?

Damien on… "The Daily Show"

It has been said that many Americans these days get most of their news from Jay Leno’s nightly monologue (U.S. – monolog) and Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” – like that’s a BAD thing.

But one suspects that few realize just how valuable The Daily Show IS, as a disseminator of news.

Sure, on the surface, the show appears to be little more than a series of silly, irreverent sketches and mock-interviews, capped by a conventional interview – and hosted by a jester.

However, when one stops to ANALYZE the show, one discovers that those silly, irreverent sketches are actually brilliantly written and finely honed caustic comments on the day’s happenings.

In fact, The Daily Show carries on a tradition of political SATIRE which is HUNDREDS of years old – and whose points have FAR more staying power in the mind than any number of mere RANTS.

And having penned a fairly large number of rants in these very columns, this writer knows what he is talking about. Writing satire is damned HARD.

Then there are those interviews. Have you ever considered how much information on EVERY subject Jon Stewart must absorb, for him to be able to hold his own with guests who are generally experts in their fields?

And just look at how wide-ranging those fields are. Plus, most of them are touting doorstop-sized books. Yet Jon is able not merely to ask a list of pre-prepared questions about that person’s tome – but to expand on questions THEY raise.

In short, he manages, DAILY, to actually READ their huge books. Sure, a battery of researchers could do that for him – but ultimately, all they could give him would be bullet-points and a few scattered highlights.

For him to be as incisive as he is, he has to read them HIMSELF.

Can YOU imagine reading an entire 500-page book EVERY DAY – and then RETAINING enough of it to enable yourself to hold YOUR own with its AUTHOR for six minutes?

The irony is that Fox “News” presenters talk about Jon Stewart like he’s a buffoon – yet not one of them has a QUARTER of either his knowledge or his intelligence.

Long may Jon Stewart and The Daily Show live.

Damien on… How To Solve Unemployment

The government immediately lowers the age of retirement by five years – then every successive year, by a further year. You’re welcome.

Oh… you want more? Okay. Since the West lowered trade barriers, some thirty-five years ago, it was always inevitable that jobs would become “out-sourced” – and with automation, even more jobs would disappear. Thus, any concept of full employment became a FOLLY by 1980.

Of course, no Western government would ever admit that. They preferred to go on about New Job Creation. But the few jobs actually created were I.T. positions with nonsense names.

Therefore, the ONLY way to accommodate the ever-increasing number of unemployed is to lower the retirement age accordingly – releasing ever more jobs for school-leavers.

All right – there is one TINY problem with this solution. Unless you install gas-chambers for the retired, they will need SUPPORTING. I.e., every year, the government pension bill will rise, placing an ever-increasing tax burden on those who are doing whatever work out-sourcing and automation have left them.

But hey – I’m not an economist. The Chancellor Of The Exchequer will have to figure THAT one out. My pleasure.

STILL not enough? Well, since the genies of outsourcing and automation cannot be put back into the bottle – the problem of financing those dispossessed of employment HAS to be addressed.

The latest idea being floated by HMG is that the retirement age be RAISED – so far, from 65 to 66 - which suggests Tory-boy Cameron and his lovely new assistant Cleggy intend to follow the suggestion I made at the top of this piece – except IN REVERSE.

Naturally, Tories (who mostly have private pension plans enabling them to retire at 50 – or even earlier, if the pressure gets too much for the little darlings) will point out that life expectation has INCREASED and so the prolls’ years of toil should follow.

But as a burned-out ex-service engineer who quit the rat race at 50 himself – financed by SAVINGS – the prospect of the goalposts of State Pension receding into the distance fills this scribbler with disquiet.

You see, thanks to the World financial meltdown, his nest-egg has SHRUNK somewhat. And whilst he knew the markets go up and down in ten-year cycles and had thus taken that into account – what he had NOT reckoned on, was that the POUND would go down the crapper TOO.

Thing is, here in the Land Of Smiles, things have gotten fraught of late. But social conditions have no bearing on economic ones. When America plug-holed, things on the street were fine – it was those silly banks with their toxic sub-prime loans that did it.

Likewise here, in 1998 – the Tiger currencies went down the dumper because banks were loaning too much money to developers who had failed to ensure their developments had end-users. But again, on the street, all was jake.

And while Britain is not yet on FIRE - she has been FOUND OUT. The old dear has been shuffling papers for decades, while her economy has RUN OUT.

All of which means this chronicler has been hit TWICE – once by the drop in share values (about 35%) and AGAIN by the slide of the Western currencies against the Baht (ANOTHER 35%-odd).

Thus his personal fortune currently stands at 65% of 65% of what it was three years ago – which is (calculator out) 42.25%. That means a drop of 57.75%. In other words, his total money has TANKED by well over HALF. Boo-hoo.

Therefore, that State Pension has gone from being a bonus in his declining years – to a bloody NECESSITY. And seeing it wave bye-bye, one year at a time, is not a happy prospect.

But will it ever happen? I recall the Torybastards trying this once before. At that time, they wanted to “means-test” state pensions. Their spin was that rich people, with private pensions, did not NEED the state pension, thus it should be saved for those who did.

However, what it ACTUALLY meant was that any pensioner with ASSETS – like a house they had worked their whole lives to acquire – could have found themselves potless.

But luckily, at that time their plans were thwarted by the COURTS, who ruled that since the prolls had paid their taxes for 50 years, on the promise of a state pension at 65 – HMG had a CONTRACT to pay it, regardless.

I just hope the courts REMEMBER that PRECEDENT, when Cameron and Cleggy make their move…

Damien on… Referenda

As I type, the U.K. election fiasco appears to be entering its fourth quarter – and the air is thick with talk of referenda, on the electorial system.

The Labour party had it in their MANIFESTO. But as a realist/cynic, I find myself wondering if they were simply playing The Long Game.

I mean, knowing what the figures were, they could easily have been PREPARING for the scenario which has in fact unfolded.

While the arrogant Tories simply assumed they would win an outright majority.

Either way, NEITHER of the two “main” parties WANTS electoral reform – they have spent the last ninety years moving the borough boundaries around, to ensure no third party can UNSEAT them.

But now along comes CLEGGY. And it is evident that he is not about to be talked out of the ONLY chance he is ever likely to get to UPSET the ninety-year-old FIX that has kept his party and its predecessors out of government all that time.

After all, it will take MONTHS to extract Britain from the financial crapper she is in – so what difference will a few days taken repairing her electoral system make?

And as for referenda – FORGET it!

Imagine if Britain had referenda on EVERYTHING. Her people would immediately vote to bring back hanging, organise death-squads to hunt down suspected paedophiles and introduce castration (actual, not chemical) for rapists.

Then they would double the budget for health and education – while halving income tax.

Finally, they would pay for it all by cutting the defence budget to ten pounds a year.

The result of which would be that in three months, Britain would have a criminal justice system whose barbarity would make the Middle Ages look liberal in comparison – within six, she would go broke – and within nine, be run by the Russian Mafia.

In short, running a democracy along referendal (is that even a word?) lines DOES NOT WORK. Why? Because most of the population of ANY country are IDIOTS – that’s why!

The thing is, while politicians are corrupt, sleazy and evil – and pretty stupid too – they at least know how to run a country.

While… okay – do YOU think we should give Antarctica independence? Should Britain supply arms to Mgaliland? How about converting all cars to run on cow-sh*t?

Of course, all three of those questions are ridiculous (and I made UP the name Mgaliland). But then, politicians would KNOW that.

The fact is, the job of running a country has to be done by people who have SOME idea of how to DO it. While having referenda on EMOTIONAL issues that do not affect the smooth running of said country is fine, having them on political issues is SUICIDE.

If Blair had not insisted on one over the Pound, Britain would now be INFINITELY better off on the EURO – like every OTHER country in Europe (okay, right now the Euro is in the dumper too – but it is STILL better off than the POUND).

And of course, both the Tories and Labour KNOW a referendum on the electoral system is silly – but then, THIS observer suspects the only reason they are OFFERING one is that they both figure the British voters will REJECT the notion.

You see, the British have always MOANED about The System – but apart from a handful of ACTIVISTS (who the British also REJECT, as nut-jobs) they do not DO anything. They are AFRAID of anything different – anything that is outside of the familiar.

This is evidenced by the fact that in ’88 and this election, the third party were doing well – right up to election night. Whereupon, many of their supporters suddenly CHICKENED OUT and voted for one of the main parties after all.

So while Brown and Cameron are perfectly happy to OFFER Cleggy a referendum – knowing they can accuse him of anti-democracy if he refuses it – if he wants to be SURE of change, he will accept nothing less than GUARANTEED change. Through PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.

Good luck, Cleggy.

(For more on this, hit – http://corneliusatloppers.wordpress.com/2010/05/08/cornelius-on-britains-corrupt-electoral-system/)

Damien on… Life is But A Dream

According to Ian Fleming, “The first time is happenstance – the second time is coincidence – and the third time is enemy action.”

Well, my first time was back in 1994. I had written one of my rare pieces of fiction. It was a time-travel piece, where the hero accidentally nails his grandmother and becomes his own grandfather (it could happen).

Since it was supposed to have been written in the future, I lightly peppered the story with “future-slang” terms, which I made up – one of which was “Euro”.

You see, part of the story took place in 2005 – by which time I figured a pan-European currency ought to be in place. But back in ’94, they were still discussing what it would be called.

They had just rejected one name on the grounds that it was too close to a word used for an antique French coin – and were now trying to think of an alternative. I just dreamed UP Euro.

Imagine my surprise when a year later, they announced…

My second time was in 1999. I wrote a small monograph on “Oil Of Ulay”. I questioned whether it should be pronounced “oo-lay” or “yew-lay” and wondered – “What the hell IS a Ulay, anyway?”

A few months later, the owners changed the name to “Oil Of Olay” – leading me to write again: “Holy cow! They must have read my last piece! But why did they go with Olay? It sounds like ‘¡Olé!’ - the thing Spanish crowds yell at a bull-fight.”

My third time came more recently. In these very columns, I stated that I was sure American film score composer Thomas Wanker was nice to animals and always washed his hands after going to the toilet – but I wanted to BE there, the first time he checked in at a hotel in Britain or Australia.

A few months later, he changed his name to Thomas Wander.

The thing is – ALL of these writings were read by, at best, only a few hundred people. So how had they had the effect they’d had? A giant corporation had changed the name of a product that had been going for DECADES. The European Union had taken my advice over the naming of the pan-European currency. And an American composer had changed his NAME.

You may say “coincidence” – but I wonder. Perhaps I AM living in a dream…

Damien on… Socialised Healthcare

Just why IS it that Americans speak of socialised healthcare as a sane person would speak of genital mutilation?

Look – when it comes to healthcare, there really are only three choices. One: you pay for it as you go – fine if you are rich as Croesus. Two: you use commercial health insurance. Or three: you live in a country that has socialised healthcare – where you are given healthcare FREE, according to need and ability to use – and it is paid for out of a fund supported by taxation.

That is IT. And assuming you are NOT as rich as Mr C., it means your healthcare needs will either be evaluated by a bureaucrat or a businessman.

Now any regular reader of these ramblings will know that this observer is no admirer of bureaucrats – but he would still rather have one deciding his fate than a businessman whose prime concern – even legal obligation, if his company is a public one – is saving every penny he can, by whatever legal means are at his disposal. Stands to reason.

But of course, a system of socialised healthcare can only be as good as the amount of money made available to finance it. And even a well-financed system will STILL involve decisions being made on a need and ability to use basis – modern medicine is EXPENSIVE.

Nevertheless, every country has an amount of money it is prepared to spend on its healthcare – and THIS reporter would feel a HELL of a lot safer if it was in the hands of someone whose number one priority was NOT PROFIT.

One other thing, while we on this. It helps a lot if, when a doctor goofs up (it happens) ambulance-chasing lawyers are not waiting to sign up the aggrieved for a SUE-fest. The point is, doctors do their best – and it does not help ANY of us when half the money made available for healthcare is spent on LEGAL settlements.

Doctor, to man who presented with a gangrenous leg: “I have good news and bad news.” Man: “Give me the bad news first.” Doctor: “We cut off the wrong leg.” Man: “Damn! What’s the GOOD news?” Doctor: “Your other leg’s getting better.” DEAL with it!

Damien on… How To Avoid A Work-Related-Stress Nervous Breakdown

WALK AWAY! Oh – you want more? Okay…

The thing is, the human brain REBELS after around ten years of doing the same thing day after day after day after DAY. It is UNNATURAL.

Thus while PROMOTION is normally considered important for raising one’s status and SALARY, its REAL value is more important than both of those put together – promotion means your JOB WILL CHANGE. The old saying “A change is as good as a rest” is TRUE.

Without that ESSENTIAL change of duties, every seven years or so – people go POSTAL.

And it happens without warning – a small thing triggers it. We all know someone who one day knocked their coffee into their lap and suddenly went BALLISTIC – smashed up their office, then lay in a corner in the foetal position, sobbing uncontrollably.

Eventually, the men in the white coats came and carried them away. A few weeks later, they returned and everybody treated them GENTLY – for a week or two. Then, being human, everyone treated them the same as before.

Perhaps YOU WERE that person. If so, you will know the REST of the story. After a day or two’s observation, you were released from the hospital with a note for your doctor. He gave you some pills and signed you off from work for a couple of weeks – a month, if you were lucky.

Then you returned to work. After a bit, everyone began treating you as if you were the same as before – but you were NOT. You had been BROKEN – like a horse. You WILL NEVER be the same as before.

At this point, the casual reader will assume this writer has HAD one of these episodes. Well actually, NO – he SIDE-STEPPED it. When he realised he was headed that way – and knew that having a will as strong as his (not to mention a loose grip on reality) would result in him totally LOSING HIS SANITY – he did what he advised at the top of this dissertation – he WALKED AWAY.

But of course, not everyone is ABLE to. There are many who are too locked into their life-styles (a mortgage, a wife, several children, etc.) to contemplate dropping off the ladder and starting again. There ARE a number of stock-brokers who have become pig farmers, but most of them do not have FAMILIES – at least, not NOW.

Of course, this is why most companies and organisations HAVE The Ladder to begin with. They know that changing their employees’ jobs every few years will stop them having that meltdown.

However, not everyone WORKS for one of those companies. Many people find themselves in jobs that HAVE no Ladder – or find The Ladder being snatched from under them, when their company gets taken over by another – or “merges” – or simply “down-sizes”.

In fact these days, only by becoming a police officer or a soldier can you GUARANTEE that all-important Ladder.

This scribbler has known a NUMBER of people who have crashed (which is how he knows so much about the problem, without having actually EXPERIENCED it).

So how likely IS it that YOU will succumb?

Well, this observer is convinced that the British government, at least, is less than eager to reveal the true figures – and it is not hard to see why. If the truth became known, every time a person had a bad day at work, they would be convinced they were headed for the laughing academy – and QUIT. Britain would grind to a halt within WEEKS.

H.M.G. would much rather just accept the FINANCIAL cost of the crack-ups and IGNORE the HUMAN cost.

It is a bit like the legal age that children are allowed to be “latch-key kids” – no-one knows what it IS. Why? Because if the government set an age and PUBLICISED it, thousands of workers – particularly single-parents – would also have to quit.

In THAT case, H.M.G. would rather just tut-tut every time someone leaves their kids at home while they graft and returns to find their house a smoking ruin. It happens rarely – and when it does, they can simply blame the parent.

But I digress. The point is, I have seen three of my best friends and a relative go down this path. In fact the only close friend I have who worked for DECADES in a high-stress job WITHOUT imploding – only managed to keep going thanks to regular imbibitions of The Devil’s Dandruff.

And he was not alone. The line-workers in the U.S. car industry were ALL stoned during the Seventies. It was well known. Of course, the corporations insisted they were HEAVILY committed to stamping out drug use. But privately, they soft-pedalled – knowing if they REALLY came down against it, they would be out of business within a year.

One last thought – is it not ironic that the only two professions that still have The Ladder (the cops and the military) are considered “high-pressure” jobs – and as such, their employees can quit on full pension after only 25 years?

I mean, ALL jobs become high-pressure after the ten years – but with THOSE, you are expected to keep at it for up to FIFTY!

This reporter walked away after just twenty-five years – and has NEVER regretted it.

Damien on… “Drink Up Thy Zider” – LYRICS!

Drink up thee cider George, pass us round the mug

Drink up thee cider George, thy garden’s bare nigh dug

Thy cheeks been getting redder, from Charterhouse to Chedder

And there’s still more cider in the jug

CHORUS: Drink up thee cider, drink up thee cider

For tonight we’ll merry be

We’ll knock the milk churns[maids] over and roll ‘em in the clover

The corn’s half cut and so be we

Drink up thee cider George, thee’s been going far

Drink up thee cider George, thee’s getting quite a star

There’s dung all o’er the ‘taters and ‘alf way up thee gaiters

And there’s still more cider in the jar

CHORUS: Drink up…

Drink up thee cider George, get up off the mat

Drink up thee cider George, put on thy gurt big hat

We’re off to Barrow Gurney, (for) to see my brother Ernie

And there’s still more cider in the vat

CHORUS: Drink up…

Drink up thee cider George, get it off thee chest

Drink up thee cider George, it’s time we had a rest

There’s nothing like good cider (if) to make thee smile grow wider

And there’s still more cider in The West

CHORUS: Drink up…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eefdl43gGEM

Damien on… Good And Evil

Good and evil are only objective concepts.

I mean, supposing I’m an office-worker who’s on his way to a cafe to buy lunch. I only have a two-pound coin on me. Just enough for a sandwich, a coffee and a Kit-Kat. And then an attractive young girl buttonholes me, waves a tin under my nose and asks me if I can spare something for Children With Hairy Backs.

I have three courses of action. One – tell her I’m sorry, but I have no change (or I gave at the office, or some other excuse). Two – give her my two pounds, while letting her KNOW it’s my last cash (I’ve a season ticket to get me home and do not possess plastic) and I’m giving up my LUNCH for her. Or three – give her my lunch money and a smile and say nothing.

Now most people would say option one was the LEAST noble and three, the MOST noble. But to me, NONE were “noble”. With option one, I was brushing her off in favour of feeding myself. With two, I was forcing her approbation. And with three, I was simply trading a slightly empty feeling at around four pm for the girl’s smile.

People do stuff for a reason (or for no reason – in which case it’s a pointless act) and it always benefits THEM – albeit sometimes obliquely. Only viewed from the OUTSIDE does an act appear generous or mean – good or evil. From the point of view of the doer, it is always justifiable and simply IS.

Even someone who gives all they HAVE to charity may simply be doing so when they see how f***ed up the World is and decide they cannot LIVE with themselves unless they do everything they CAN. Thus, by their action, rather than gaining a warm fuzzy feeling inside, they are simply protecting themselves against feeling BAD.

Did Hitler wake up every morning and think, “What a bastard I am”? Of course not. He just saw himself as a strong leader with tough decisions to make. Did Mother Theresa wake up every morning and think, “What a wonderful person I am”? No again. She had a calling and just got on with it.

So there IS no SUBJECTIVE good and evil. Only the EFFECTS of our actions. So don’t feel smug next time you do something good. You’re as selfish as the rest of us! (But give the girl the money anyway).

Damien on… Naomi Campbell

The story that famous Scottish superbitch – sorry – supermodel, Naomi Campbell had belted another employee (her driver, this time) reminded me of another one.

I seem to recall that back in 2001, she was due to fly somewhere – but as was her wont, she was fashionably late, figuring the airline would HOLD the plane for one as important as she.

They didn’t. It left without her – and shortly thereafter, slammed into the World Trade Centre.

Is there such a thing as REVERSE-kismet?

Damien on… Thereup

Funny thing, the English language. Case in point…

You can tack all manner of words onto the end of the word “there” – about, after, against, among – and they are only the ones beginning with “a”. In all such cases, the connection of the words merely TIDIES what would exist if these words were used BEFORE “there”.

But the ones I am concerned with are the short ones – at, in, of and on.

My quibble is – WHERE THE HELL IS “UP”???

I mean, you can have thereat, therein, thereof and thereon – which sound better than “at there”, “in there”, “of there” and “on there”.

So why can’t “up there” by said as thereup?

Use it in a sentence? Certainly. “While cleaning my rifle, I encountered an obstruction in the barrel – so I shone a pen-torch into it and looked thereup”. Or “I turned into the wrong end of a one-way street and drove thereup.” Or “I followed a girl up the stairs who was wearing a mini-skirt and gazed thereup.” The possibilities are endless.

And yet, despite Googling, Wiki-ing and looking in my Chambers’ – I can find no trace of the word.

Of course, if Google LISTS this piece – anyone searching for the word will be sent HERE. Damn, if THIS doesn’t boost my hits, NOTHING will!

Footnote: Wordpress’ SpellChecker has found four “errors” in this piece – ALL of which are “thereup”.

Make that FIVE.

Damien on… "The Mentalist", "Lie To Me" and Fox TV

This is aimed at my AMERICAN audience…

Whenever a network comes up with a new wrinkle in drama or comedy, you can bet a rival network will rush out something similar within a few months. Thus it was with “The Mentalist” and “Lie To Me”. Except that CBS’s The Mentalist came out first – and is mediocre – while Fox’s Lie To Me is BRILLIANT!

Despite the popularity of The Mentalist, Australian actor Simon Baker comes across as a grinning idiot. And the thing between him and “Red John” is merely a rip-off of the thing between “Monk” and the guy who blew up HIS wife – but treated with far less skill.

While in Lie To Me, the GREAT Tim Roth runs RINGS around Simon in every department (okay, except in looks). His acting is SUPERB and he exudes vulnerable MENACE (which is not an easy trick to pull off). And the writing is INFINITELY better than that of the procedural stylings of The Mentalist.

So big cheers for Lie To Me and big boos for The Mentalist, right? Well, actually The Mentalist is not SO bad – if you don’t compare it to Lie To Me. And perhaps a comparison is unfair, anyway. The reality is the two series are really nothing LIKE each other. In fact, it may even be that Lie To Me has nothing to DO with The Mentalist and its appearance just four months later was a gigantic COINCIDENCE.

But what surprised this commentator was not only that Lie To Me came along AFTER The Mentalist and was far SUPERIOR – but that its maker is FOX!

After all, Fox is mostly famous – nay INfamous – for its comedy “news” network. And in the past, while its entertainment network has made the occasional programme (like “The X-Files”) for thinking people – since Digger likes to please ALL of the people SOME of the time, in order to SELL his services, its in-house programmes have mostly been low-brow DROSS.

However, recently, this reporter understands Digger has handed over the con of his TV interests to his SON, Digger Jnr – which may explain why more INTELLIGENT home-grown productions have begun to seep into Fox’s primetime schedules.

First it was “24″ – which began as a pseudo-serious, heavily-right-wing, 9/11-inspired orgy of self-congratulation, where all of the actresses played characters who were BIMBOS. But as it has matured, the bimbo characters have been supplanted by smart ones – and the still-absurd plots are now pure unvarnished dark COMEDY.

Then along came the likes of “House m.d.”, “Bones” – and now, Lie To Me. And suddenly, Fox began outstripping first the ailing NBC, then the formerly strengthening ABC and finally began rubbing shoulders with the previously invincible CBS, in the primetime ratings.

And one has noted that Fox’s entertainment network has of late been trying to DISTANCE itself from its idiot sister, Fox News.

Like, on 24, the President always had his big-screen wall-mounted TV tuned to Fox News (as if!) but this season, it is tuned to CNN (okay, a CNN look-alike) and one star who was beginning a series on Fox even went so far as to state, on a chat-show appearance to launch their show, that they were working for the NICE Fox!

So after 25 long years, it would appear that a sea change is occurring at Fox. Its loony “news” service is being left to serve America’s right-wing wack-jobs, while its entertainment network is finally striving to be taken SERIOUSLY.

Right now it only has three hours of primetime programmes, which this writer hears is due to broadcasting rules regarding CONTENT, where a station becomes a NETWORK (which involves all SORTS of requirements) when it has at least FOUR hours of primetime programming. But he also hears those rules have now been relaxed.

Therefore, this scribbler would like to make a prediction (and a lot of his past ones have come TRUE – but that’s another story) which is: Digger Jnr will extend his network’s primetime to eleven o’clock, with some gritty, intelligently written adult-oriented shows – and give NBC (if it still exists) ABC and CBS a thorough SPANKING!

You heard it here first…

Damien on… Walter Fredrick Morrison R.I.P.

Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the Frisbee, has died. He was 90 years old.

His soul went up onto the roof – and no-one can get it down again.

(I’d been waiting YEARS to do this piece).

Damien on… Satire

People who vote for the party of the Right are either rich – and protecting their interests – or poor – and either eternal optimists or just plain STUPID. Of course, the party of the Right will always INSIST they have the interests of the poor at heart – and if you believe THAT…

While people who vote for the party of the Left are either poor – or DAMN stupid (like “Champagne Socialists”). But since the Left are usually incompetent, they guarantee that despite the fact most people ARE poor – the party of the Right will get in eventually, by DEFAULT.

And this is as it’s always been. Most people stumble through LIFE supporting the Left or the Right.

The only exception to these drones are those whom the pundits call “floating voters”. And only THEY can be “swayed” by satire. Trouble is, they don’t represent a significant percentage of the electorate. Which is why most countries ALLOW satire – it alters NOTHING.

The governments know those who are Right-voters won’t WATCH satire - being almost entirely Left Wing, its exposure of the Right’s inevitable sleaze and corruption will EMBARRASS them. While those who are Left-voters WILL watch it – but don’t NEED the preaching, ’cause they’re already CONVERTED.

And sadly, even those “floating voters” aren’t affected much. During the Eighties, Thatcher’s corrupt, sleazy, piss-takers slowly asset-stripped Britain, while draining BILLIONS from the poor and giving it to the rich. As a result, Britain is now almost FINISHED. Her once-proud Pound is sinking almost as fast as the Zimbabwean Dollar.

Yet, all the way through Thatcher’s Golden Reign (did you see what I did there?) every week, DOZENS of popular TV programmes HAMMERED the Tories, lampooning EVERY grubby move they made – yet every four or five years, the British would vote them back in. More recently, the same happened in America, with George Wan… sorry, WaLker Bush. And yet he STILL got in for a second term.

And did almost as much damage to The States as Thatcher did to Britain.

Tragically, the only purpose served by satire is to give Left-voters something to laugh at, while the party of the Right is busy SCREWING their country.

Damien on… Chuck Barris: Secret Agent

This writer’s wish to be contemporary won’t be helped by the following piece, since it concerns Stuff that occurred a while back – but he did not have a COMPUTER then…

He is speaking of “Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind” – which “Chuckie-Baby” originally wrote in 1984.

There are, traditionally, three kinds of books. Fiction, non-fiction and the historical novel – which marries the two former.

But an historical novel, while using real characters and events, is always sold as FICTION – which is where “Confessions…” differs from tradition. Chuck claimed that ALL the events portrayed were TRUE.

For those who haven’t read it, it begins as a straightforward account of his career, rising from a songwriter (he wrote “Palisades Park” for Freddy Cannon) to a developer, producer and finally host of some of America’s most execrable game shows of the Sixties and Seventies.

But then things take a bizarre turn, when Mr Barris is recruited as an assassin by the CIA!

The book had two lives. It sold okay when first published – then again, when Gorgeous George Clooney made it into a movie.

While the movie had a LONG life. In the late Eighties, Columbia green-lighted it as a vehicle for Richard Dreyfuss – but Dreyfuss thought it too dark. Then it passed through various hands, before finally being made by George.

The film was a critical success, but a public flop. Even with the principals working for scale, it still cost $30M to make and only grossed $33M (a movie needs to make DOUBLE its production budget just to break even, as the theatres get about half the gross).

But I LIKE “Confessions…” – many have poured scorn and derision on it and some have been OUTRAGED by the whole premise. But as a writer m’self, I can see what Chuckie was DOING with this project.

Imagine: you are a writer – you have material for an autobiography – and material for a pulp thriller. As Chuck Barris, you are known to a fair number of people. So some will buy your autobiography. And some will buy your thriller.

But cobble them TOGETHER and EVERYBODY will buy it!

Sure, it is against all of the conventions of writing – but then, no-one could EVER accuse Barris of being conventional!

And while admittedly it took eighteen years to come together, it did eventually spawn a movie – which would NEVER have happened to the original two propositions.

So as a writer, I say good luck Chuck! Well done, for turning the rules of writing on their head and creating something truly original (something rare in this day and age).

Oh, and for anyone who still thinks the original story might be TRUE – read the book and watch the movie – and note how the climax of the book works as a book – and the climax of the film works as a film!

For a LOOK at Chuckie-Baby at his height – click THIS… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9Cw8od97P4

Damien on… Rush Limbaugh

I hear Rush Limbaugh claimed he’d had a heart attack – but the hospital said there was nothing wrong with his heart.

Perhaps they just couldn’t FIND it?

Damien on… New Job Titles

I think I’ve discovered why Britain’s currency is going the same way as the Zimbabwean Dollar – half her workers do not have REAL JOBS. Case in point…

T’other day, I was watching a standup concert and a performer decided to get the audience involved and asked a number what they did for a living. And while there were the usual butchers, bakers and candle-stick makers – along with plumbers, prostitutes, wheel-tappers and shunters – y’know – REAL jobs – there were a frightening number of occupations that left one wondering what PLANET their workers came from.

Sourcing coordinators, applications analysts, solutions consultants, enterprise visualizers.

WH-AT?

In My Day, a standup comedian would be told to go off and get a real job. But standups provide a valuable service – entertainment. And they generate an end-product – laughter. Furthermore, the successful ones make good money.

But what do the pseuds with the bollocks job titles create?

No WONDER Britain’s economy has gone down the crapper. Half her workers are living in La-La-Land!

Damien on… Trance Mix-CDs

After Pop died in 1990, Trance moved in to fill the void. But there was a problem. The thing is – a Pop single has a beginning (intro) a middle (the song) and an end (often just a fade).

But since Trance records were essentially made for DJs to MIX into a SET, they had a “lead-in” (the back-beat the DJ used to synch it to the end of the last piece) the song or instrumental (the bit you heard on the dance-floor) then a lead-OUT – which would run for a short time – into ANOTHER lead-in to a SECOND, alternate mix of the main piece – which then had a second lead-out.

These would be on 12″ 45 rpm vinyl records – for TOP hi-fi (CDs are compressed, which reduces their “live” feel). And you could only obtain them from specialist shops.

Fine for DJs, but a pain for the domestic user. Although when Trance took off as Pop, some of the larger record shops began stocking the discs – with a corner set apart for customers to PLAY them on decks, through headphones (a blast from the past, that – remember when record shops had those little booths? Damn – you must be REALLY old!) and hardcore dancers actually bought the records.

But to play them properly, you needed to be an experienced Trance DJ (which, speaking as an ex-conventional DJ, is a lot harder than it looks, I can tell you). Thus the general public were unimpressed.

Until someone came up with a solution. Taking a leaf out of the “Now…” series of compilation albums, they began releasing professionally-mixed compilations of the latest Anthems on CDs – ironically, the things that had KILLED Pop music in the FIRST place.

But CDs were perfect for this. Not only did they run eighty minutes – but you could also select individual tracks without carving up the record.

Of course, the clubbers HATED these compilation CDs with a PASSION. They saw it as the commercialisation of THEIR music – which of course it was.

But it enabled the masses to enjoy the LAST ORIGINAL and GOOD Pop music that the genre ever produced – and now, is ever LIKELY to…

So if you want to HEAR some good Trance RIGHT NOW, check out my Trance channel on YouTube – it is Channel Five, on my bogroll. Or just hit – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4BcuP7DbXs&feature=channel – for a sample. You can reach the rest from there.

Oh – and go to the icons at the bottom right of the little screen and click on HQ and fullscreen (the icon to the right of HQ) for the FULL experience!

Plus, for more on Trance – check out the thoughts of my Zen brother, by clicking -http://corneliusatloppers.wordpress.com/2009/12/16/cornelius-on-my-trance-experience/

Damien on… Political Activism

This is Your Humble Scribe in his “activist” days (I had hair, then).

The occasion was my attempt to save the North London Line – which British Rail was threatening to axe, due to poor usage. This Victorian semi-circular British Rail route cut ACROSS North London, linking it to several London Transport tube stations. But since the links were not direct (you had to come out of the LT stations and walk fifty yards to the BR stations) LT refused to include it on their popular tube map. They said it would not fit. Myself and others decided to prove them WRONG.

So we made a number of clear plastic stickers which, when stuck to LT’s station maps, “grafted” the North London Line onto them. Then, on a particular Sunday night, with military precision, we “hit” all the main LT stations simultaneously – some two hundred of them. Our work looked so professional that next day, thousands of Londoners thought a NEW LINE had been built – OVERNIGHT!

Of course, we had known LT would eventually remove the stickers, so we had combined this operation with a publicity campaign (the REAL object of the exercise) that involved press-releases to all the major London newspapers, TV and magazines. Thus on the Monday morning, the above picture appeared in the London Evening News (the Standard was and still is Right-wing rubbish) The Times, Time Out Magazine and even Commerce International. Then that night, I appeared on Thames TV’s local news. I was a star!

My personal reason for wanting the NLL to stay open was it saved me taking a bus and three trains to visit a chum who lived across town. Since LT was SUBSIDISED in those happy days, the cost wasn’t too high – but where the NLL would get me there in twenty minutes, LT took me half a DAY. And I knew my story was not untypical. I also knew many more people would have used the line – if they had known it EXISTED.

Well, after our campaign, Londoners certainly knew it existed all right! And the upshot was that most of it remained operating – eventually being absorbed into an extension, which still runs today. And five years after our campaign, LT finally included it on their tube map. So, a success, then. Power To The People! Next problem…

But sadly, our campaign was only a success because it was put in front of EVERYONE. The tragedy is that while the World is filled with corruption and bullsh*t, those who decide to campaign against it get NOWHERE. Why? Because the activism is either in the form of TV, radio – or the written word. And THAT only reaches those who are already “converts”. Those who NEED to absorb it – turn away.

Example: for eighteen interminable years, the British Right-wing Torybastards ruled. And for the whole time, TV, radio and Left-wing publications LAMBASTED them. Every week, there were HOURS of comedy programmes dedicated to exposing all of the sleaze (and there was plenty to expose) and thievery perpetrated by these excrescences – and every five years or so, the British voters would vote them back in.

WHY? Because the only people who watched, listened to and read this material were Left-wing-sympathetic. They NEEDED a good laugh as they watched the Torybastards asset-strip their country for the benefit of the Fat Cats. But since the truth EMBARRASSED Right-wing-sympathetic people – they tuned it out.

In fact, it is ironic that the old Russian government gave “dissidents” such a hard time. If they had done what Britain and America does – monitor them, but let them rant – the dissidents would have been free to carry on crying in the wilderness, while the West would have been unable to accuse Moscow of being repressive.

And it’s the same damn story in The States. Michael Moore is reviled by the Right. They accuse him of hating America; thus “spinning” the truth, which is that Moore LOVES America – he just hates what greedy Right-wing arseholes have DONE to it. Hey dude, where’s my country?

So he writes books and makes movies which EXPOSE the greed and corruption – and those RWAs have the crust to accuse him of LYING. If they had done their research before opening their mouths – they would have discovered that he had done HIS. The second half of Mike’s books list all the SOURCES for EVERY FACT stated in the main text. Information that is available to ALL – who care to look.

And there’s the rub. In the West, thanks to various “freedom of information” acts, most of the info IS available. But only activists and satirists take the time to FIND it. Then they present it to us – sugar-coated with humour, to make it more palatable – and we turn our BACKS on it, if it doesn’t fit into our View Of The World. Our belief system, if you will.

How else do you explain “Fahrenheit 911″? This film EXPOSED the sleaze, corruption and bullsh*t of The Monkey, to a point where NO-ONE who had seen it would have voted for him, if he had run against a DEAD guy. And yet he was returned with an actual MAJORITY this time – and proceeded to completely F**K UP America.

So what ELSE CAN a person who wants to get rid of all the sleaze, corruption and bullsh*t – an activist – DO? Blow something up? All that does is hurt innocent people and EMPOWER The System. Write angry letters? Blogs, even? Again, only those who are already sympathetic to the message will READ them. Run for office? But then you become PART of The System – to actually do any GOOD is almost impossible. This writer wishes Obama LUCK.

The fact is, the only way people can be made to See The Light is to wave it in front of their NOSES, like we did with the North London Line. Then The People CAN’T just turn away. But for me, that campaign was a one-off. Immediately after finishing it, THIS “activist” CEASED his activities. Why? Because he knew the life of an activist is TOUGH.

Oh sure, your supporters will love you. But those whom you wish to “convert” will hurl abuse (and heavier objects) at you with a vehemence that is shocking – given that you are trying to SAVE them. Truly, No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished. Which is why THIS reporter now limits HIS “activism” to THIS meagre outlet – “The World According To Damien”. Here lies the Truth. Take it or leave it.

Damien on… Communism Versus Capitalism

Imagine if you were a research chemist and you came up with a pill that would cure cancer (okay, I know that is impractical, but work with me, allright?)

Now if you lived in a Communist state, you would get a pat on the back and a certificate. And that is why Communism does not WORK. There is NO reward for individual effort. Therefore, no incentive to push the envelope – thus, NO innovation. Which is why, until The Collapse, they were still using valves in Russia – and pocket calculators were the size of Volkswagens.

On the other hand, if you were working in America, you would end up living in Bel Air. Which would be great until you discovered that the pharmaceutical giant you had been working for was charging $100 a pop for the pills – that cost 20 cents each to make. Did you REALLY intend for your life’s work to be used to cure only RICH cancer-victims? One hopes not.

Or let us say you were the boss of a supermarket. In the Communist state, you’d receive the same wages as the shelf-fillers. Fair? No.

But in America, you would swan in and park your Merc in your assigned place, go up to your luxurious office, look through the two-way mirror over the store and be king of all you surveyed. Nothing wrong with that, but as you watched those shelf-fillers, you would know they were all working double shifts just to pay the RENT.

The thing is, unchecked, NEITHER of these systems work.

In a Communist country, health care is based on NEED, not ability to PAY – privatised commercialised health care is IMMORAL. Likewise, education is based on ability to USE (exams and the like) – again, not ability to pay. And the better a country’s education system, the better it will do commercially in the Global Village.

But where the hammer-and-sickle boys fall down is with their failure to reward individual effort. And without innovation, you end up with a backward, GREY society.

On the other hand, in America, where everything is governed by MONEY, their corporations will ALWAYS tread all over the little guy. In fact if they are a public company, they are pretty much legally OBLIGED to.

But if you do not treat your workers with respect, they will REVOLT! It is not much use being a supermarket manager if all you are surveying is a derelict store.

Left-wing governments bang on about The Glory Of The State and assume their workers will be happy to give their all for that glory. But those workers eventually tire of watching people in right-wing countries having all the FUN.

While right-wing governments talk about “successful” people – and forget that no system works where everyone is a chief and there are no indians.

The fact is, some are born to be supermarket managers and some are born to fill shelves. BOTH can co-exist and be happy if they are given their DUE. And any system that wants to flourish HAS to recognise that.

Russia DID NOT – and it fell. America DOES NOT – and it’s not looking too good right now.

All of which proves that NEITHER Communism OR Capitalism work. At least, not in their pure forms. The countries that WORK use philosophies that encompass elements of BOTH.

It stands to reason that health-care and education should be paid for by the state. Deny that and you end up with the tragic mess America is in (and the U.K. is fast heading for). This means high taxes – but if you want the security of good health and to see your kids getting taut rite, suck it up!

Furthermore, heavily subsidise transport and you get safe, efficient buses and trains and less vehicles on the road. Which is good for everyone’s physical – and MENTAL – health.

These are the GOOD things about COMMUNISM.

But then, when it comes to consumer goods and technology, give the CAPITALIST system free rein – and innovation will BLOSSOM.

See? It is as simple as that. It is called COMPROMISE. Adhere blindly to one extreme or the other and you are DOOMED. Take the best from ALL the various political systems and your society has a chance.

It is like a car. Take the chassis from a Land-Rover, the engine from a Ferrari, the body from a Rolls-Royce and the furry dice from a Seventies Ford Cortina and you may end up with a funny-looking ride – but it will be UNSTOPPABLE!

Damien on… Winners And Losers

Winners are people who dwell on the positive aspects of their lives and losers are those who only see the negative.

That’s it. Bye!

Oh, you want more? Okay. Winners and losers are the SAME PEOPLE. Only their ATTITUDES differ. “Life is what it is – a man either goes through it with his head held high – or hung low.” And so it is.

All lives are filled with events. Some are positive and some are enough to make an Arch-Bishop kick in a stained-glass window. And chance being what it is, you will have RUNS of BOTH.

How many times have you returned home and told your beloved, “I’ve just had a day where NOTHING went right.” Hmm? And yet you still have all your limbs. Nobody DIED. You just hit a bad run, is all.

But wait an atto-second, I hear you cry – what about those who are terribly disabled? Well, I would steer your attention to Prof Stephen Hawking. He may not be too hot in the disco, but he’s rich, famous and successful – and by all accounts happy.

On the other hand, there are plenty of able-bodied people who are equally rich, famous and successful – and are as miserable as sin.

Life is what you make it, people.

Damien on… 2012

No, not Roland Emmerich’s latest CGI-fest – just the YEAR.

Back in the Year Of Our Lord, One Thousand – no-one knew it WAS One Thousand (just like Romans in 45 BC didn’t look forward to 44 – thanks, Bob Newhart). The calendar as we know it didn’t start until the sixteenth century, thus the First Millennium party was poorly attended.

But now here we are in the Third Millennium, having just celebrated the end of the Second (on December the 31st., 1999 – or for die-hard scholars, 2000) and already there is confusion.

For back in 1967, Stanley Kubrick gave us “2001: A Space Odyssey” and it was spoken as – Two Thousand And One.

And when the time actually ARRIVED, people followed suit. Of course, Twenty-Oh-One sounds seriously LAME compared to TWO THOUSAND – so Stan The Man may not be able to claim credit for it (but then since he’s DEAD, he’s past caring).

Anyhoo, after the Millennium, people just sorta carried on – Two Thousand And One, Two Thousand And Two and so on. But where are we going once this first decade is over?

I mean, will next year be Twenty-Ten – or will we keep going with Two Thousand And Ten, Eleven and so on?

I’ve been paying particular attention to the PUBLICITY for Rolly’s latest epic, because if Stan’s piece DID determine our description of the decade just ending – Mr Emmerich’s OUGHT to do likewise for the one soon to begin.

However, so far it doesn’t seem to be DOING so. F’rinstance, on American TV, I saw a trailer where the voice-over called the film Two Thousand Twelve (Americans leave the “and” out) – but it was introduced by a media tart who called it Twenty-Twelve!

So like I said – confusion. Which one will eventually emerge victorious? Gawdnose. If past performance is anything to go on, Britain will go one way, while America will go the other. But since even THEY don’t seem to have this one sorted yet…

Damien on… The Invention Of Television

So, who invented television? Any boy? House-point available?

Why, it was John Logie Baird of Scotland, was it not? NOT!!!

Fact. Television as we know it – was invented by a bunch of faceless guys in white coats at the EMI labs in Hayes, Middlesex. In ENGLAND.

History: come with me to the studios at Ally Pally, in the mid-’30s…

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, TV went out to rich Londoners who owned a 240-line Baird Televisor. While every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, it went out to those who had purchased 405-line EMI Televisions. Or it might have been the other way round. Never mind. And Sunday was reserved for God.

After a bit, this mad system was changed to alternate WEEKS.

And thus began the first standards war (to be followed by cassettes v. carts, VHS v. Betamax, HD DVD v. Blu-Ray, etc).

But back to the Art Deco era. The technicians HATED working on Baird nights/weeks – the equipment invariably broke down. On the other hand, EMI nights/weeks were usually trouble-free.

Why? Because the EMI system was ELECTRONIC, that’s why – whilst JLB’s system was a nightmare of Heath-Robinson electro-mechanical GARBAGE. While EMI’s cameras skated around the studio like demented dodgems, Baird’s cameras were the size of Volkswagens and were FIXED. The performers had to group in front of them.

In 1937, HMG finally decided enough was ENOUGH – and YANKED JLB’s system.

Eventually, WW2 intervened and the whole SYSTEM was mysteriously switched off – mid-syllable – with claims that didn’t stand UP. The British government said they were worried the system could be usurped by Hitler to spread propaganda.

Hardly likely, as only a few thousand monied Londoners could receive it, while MILLIONS of Britons tuned into Beeb RADIO every day – and they didn’t pull the plug on THAT.

No – the TRUTH can now be told: the REAL reason the TV signal got CUT OFF mid-syllable, as soon as HMG declared war on Germany, was because while Auntie’s radio transmitters (BIG things, they were) were located in fields, in the countryside, Ally Pally was smack-bang in the heart of SOUTH LONDON – and Whitehall was scared shitless Jerry would use it as a BEACON, for launching raids.

But as is usual with the British government, their knee-jerk reaction was totally unjustified. It took MONTHS for enemy bombings to start (the “Phoney War”).

Their action merely served to alarm the hoorays who could afford TV (luckily, only a TINY percentage of the public at large). HMG actually had PLENTY of time – and could at LEAST have waited for that damn CARTOON to finish.

Anyhoo, after the ’39-’45 argument was over, Auntie re-started transmissions with the same cartoon that had been running when the plug had been unceremoniously pulled. “The B.B.C. would like to apologise for the interruption…” – who said Auntie had no sense of humour?

And of course, it restarted with just EMI’s system (those who’d been unlucky enough to have bought Baird Televisors turned them into drinks cabinets).

Being electronic, it would lead to the Dolby, digital, Blu-Ray, NICAM, Hi-Def, 16:9, 50″ LCD systems, with studio cameras flying about all over the place and mini-cams you can fit into a matchbox, that we have today. Something that’d've been IMPOSSIBLE with anything Baird came up with.

So why DID the British government entertain this CRACKPOT in the FIRST place? This historian has a THEORY. Baird was not only a “Little Man” – he was also a SCOT.

For those unaware of British history, I should explain that until the recent “devolution”, Scotland was effectively RULED by WHITEHALL – in ENGLAND. A fact most Scots were not best pleased by.

And if HMG had left Baird’s ideas where they belonged – in the dumper – not only would they have been seen to have been shitting on the Little Man – they’d ALSO have been shitting on SCOTLAND.

Therefore, one STRONGLY suspects that the picture of thousands of brawny, haggis-wielding Scots descending on Downing Street was a tad more than the Manderins of Whitehall could stomach.

Which is why they gave his half-arsed system the go-ahead, KNOWING it would ultimately COLLAPSE – after which, they could trash it and claim that at least Baird had been given his CHANCE.

Of course, you won’t find this theory in any history book. John Logie Baird is still seen as a HERO. A SCOTTISH one. And whoa betide anyone who claims otherwise.

But never mind, Scotland. You guys DID invent tarmac roads, the mackintosh, pneumatic tyres and – bless you – Scotch Whisky!

Damien on… Mensa

Mensans have no sense of humour (yes, I’m afraid I’m a Mensan – well, lapsed actually – when I came to live in Thailand, continuing my membership became pointless - but they don’t take your IQ back when you stop paying your subs).

I will cite an example. Years before I joined, I acquired a large badge that said “I’m Surrounded By Idiots” – and although it had nothing to DO with Mensa, it just HAPPENED to be in their “corporate colours” of black and gold. So I used to wear it at meetings (in the local pub).

But Mensa have always been terrified of being labeled elitist – or just a bunch of intellectual snobs – so they frowned DEEPLY on my badge!

Like I said – NO sense of humour…

Damien on… American “Trends”

Okay, now I’ve been doing a lot of Yank-Bashing in these columns, so I’ll make this the LAST – at least for a while. (There are WORSE regimes, after all).

The thing is, In My Day, Americans were COOL. We were even prepared to overlook their excesses when it came to their foreign policy (Vietnam, etc.) ’cause they gave us such cool things – big cars, Hollywood and Rock ‘N’ Roll, to name but three.

Then in the Eighties, it all went horribly wrong. AIDS, The Gulf War and a president who disgraced himself with a chubby intern, to name but another three. And since then – more wars and they elected a monkey as their President – TWICE (okay, once).

And the problem is, whilst Americans have been responsible for Political Correctness, anti-smoking hysteria, rap “music”, security paranoia, a gradual erosion of personal freedom, “reality” TV and now, the collapse of the entire Western economy – for reasons that defeat me, they are IMITATED by every Western country on the planet.

Which means, now - WE’VE GOT IT TOO!

I live in Thailand and all of the above has now made its effect felt HERE.

DAMN!

We could LAUGH when America’s excesses only affected THEM. But like some insidious STD, all of their crap is now permeating OUR lives. When will people learn that being the STRONGEST nation on Earth does not make you the BEST?

(Incidentally, lest I sound TOTALLY down on our Colonial friends, I should mention that the paranoid drama-queens STILL make the best TV dramas and sitcoms on the planet).

Damien on… Bank Stories

Here are a few of the ones I can TELL…

Back in the Eighties, a number of smaller banks began offering “free banking”. Their blurbs said your account would be free while you were in CREDIT. But what they didn’t mention was that if you went into the RED – even by a few pennies for a few hours – or because a cheque got held up during “clearing” – they would hit you for an ENTIRE QUARTER’S charges.

Thus in theory, a penny’s debt could cost you fifty QUID. This happened to me. After having removed the balance of MY money, I wrote to them, CLOSING my account. The letter they sent back was hilarious. They “thanked” me for my “request” to close my account and said they would be pleased to do so – once I had cleared my “overdraft” (THEIR charges).

I figured if they could write funny letters, so could I. Mine informed them that my last contained a statement of FACT – not a “request” – and that my “overdraft” was in their imagination. It closed with, “If you have any further enquiries, please address them to [a real address in Connecticut I had obtained from a magazine]”.

Of course, I hadn’t actually said I’d MOVED there – but their letters stopped at that point anyway.

Then in the Seventies, there was the time I (grudgingly) owed a REAL debt to an associate. £15 (about £100 in today’s money). I had to pay it, so I went to the bank to withdraw the funds and when the teller asked how I wanted the money, I had an idea. Without missing a beat, I answered, “Half-pennies, please.”

The teller looked a bit nonplussed, but pulled out 15 bags, each containing 200 of the tiny coins, then put these into a larger cloth bag. This I eventually handed to my creditor – but AFTER I’d taken out the bags, REMOVED the contents from each and returned them to the bag. Thus he HAD the £15 all right – but in the form of THREE THOUSAND LOOSE half-pennies!

In fact, I later learned that this was not actually legal. Apparently there is a LIMIT to the amount of coins one is forced to accept as legal tender. It seems I wasn’t the first to use this ploy – maybe someone had once grudgingly owed someone fifteen THOUSAND pounds and had sent it in a tipper-truck! Anyhoo, my associate did not know this, so accepted the HEAVY bag.

He later told me the teller at his bank had nearly had a FIT when he’d presented it to her. This was in the days before automatic counting machines and she’d had to count the three thousand fiddly little coins BY HAND. She was NOT happy!

By the Nineties however, banks began fighting back. If you were a shopkeeper wanting change, they now CHARGED you for it. I found this out when I went into a bank to get coins for a parking meter. All I wanted was ten ten-pence pieces for a Pound, but from the look on the teller’s face you’d have thought I’d come into a Christian Bookshop and asked for a copy of the Necronomicon.

It took THREE tellers to come up with just TEN ten-pence pieces.

Of course now, banks are no LONGER fun. They are major-league RIP-OFF artists worthy of our contempt. But In The Good Old Days, you could still have a laugh at their expense. If I ever find I have terminal cancer, I may tell you a few OTHER stories…

Damien on… Political (shudder) Correctness

Speaking as a Child Of The Sixties, we were indirectly RESPONSIBLE for this phenomenon. Except all WE sought to do was remove from the World the scourges of racism, sexism – in fact ANY “-ism” that people could use as a WEAPON against others. But it has become a weapon that P.C. looneys use against EVERYONE.

Let’s get one thing straight, right from the start. No person is better or worse than any other. EVERYONE is entitled to the same respect as a human being, the same opportunities, the same rewards and benefits as everyone else. This is not an opinion – it is FACT.

And no person should EVER use another person’s race, creed, colour, sex, sexual identity, age or profession to harass, belittle or abuse them. That’s just plain WRONG. THAT is what we were trying to stamp out, back in the Sixties. But successive generations have taken these honest ideals and DISTORTED them.

In their eagerness to make the world fair for all, they went too FAR. Whilst proclaiming that all people were “EQUAL”, they told people they were the SAME. And THAT’S just plain wrong as well. We are NOT the same. Hell, it would be a boring world if we WERE. We all have a unique identity.

BUT - and this is where it all hits the fan – we all fit a number of STEREOTYPES. Not TOTALLY – we’re individuals - but there are TENDENCIES. And we all know what they are, but try to ignore them – and in doing so, deny our identities. Furthermore, we blinker ourselves from humanity’s diversity.

Understanding stereotypes aids us in communication. It helps us to tolerate each other’s “strange ways”.  I myself fit several stereotypes. They define a fundamental PART of who I am.

And by DENYING that these characteristics exist, we do ourselves a disservice. We should REVEL in them. LAUGH at them. They’re WONDERFUL! But P.C. looneys spoil our fun. And in PUSHING their cause TOO FAR, they have thrown out the baby with the bath-water. Let’s take a few examples…

Sexism. In My Day, male standup comics used to tell the most APPALLING sexist jokes – to mixed audiences. And any woman who failed to laugh at them, was labelled a “bad sport”. These men had no quarrel with women – it was merely the fashion. Then in the post- ironic Eighties, comediennes (I’ll come back to that word) began a fashion of role-reversal sexist humour, where MEN were the butt of the joke.

Great! For a couple of years, I enjoyed endless sexist jokes against men – and any man who dared to do sexist jokes against women was booed off the stage. But after about TEN years of this, I began to think HANG ON. Women have quite rightly gotten their REVENGE for DECADES of sexist humour aimed at them, but isn’t it time to balance things? I mean, either you HAVE sexist humour - with balance - or you don’t.

It occurred to me that YOUNG people weren’t even ALIVE in the days of sexist humour against women being the norm. Surely it was time for a moratorium? But no - man-bashing humour continued for decades. It still exists today, albeit to less of a degree.

Racism. Probably the worst “-ism” of all. It strikes at the very ESSENCE of a person. But in trying to eradicate prejudice based on ethnicism, racialism and skin tone, the P.C.-ers made everybody in the WORLD afraid to recognise stereotypes, discuss genetics or even appreciate nature’s diversity, for fear of being labled a NAZI.

Indeed, even Your Humble Scribe is affeared to discuss this subject too deeply. I once tried to provoke a sensible, human and reasonable discussion on the subject of genetics and barely escaped with my LIFE. But I will risk two points…

One: as discussed above, no person is better – OVERALL – than any other, but they DO have their differences and stereotypes.

Thus most names in front of and behind the camera of any US sitcom ARE Jewish. Barack Obama does gully-shots in the bowling alley, but shoots hoops like a CHAMPION (I’d like to see McCain try THAT!) and most clothes designers ARE gay (Hi guys!)

And in addition to these obviousities (I’ll bet the SpellCheck rejects THAT one) one’s job, age, “class”, socio-economic grouping, etc., DO play a huge part in who we are. They just don’t make us BETTER – or worse – than our fellow men – or women.

Indeed the qualities of any group that some see as creditable, others see as execrable. One man’s meat, etc. Thus a strong nation could be described as arrogant. A peaceful one as wimpish. It depends on the personality of the describer.

Two: I.Q. This writer JUST scraped into Mensa, although he could only describe himself as “a borderline intellectual”. And he’s witnessed people blessed – or cursed – with a high IQ, using it to batter those with brains less nimble than their own. However, in this world, most people – this writer included – would say that understanding, compassion and hard work count for a lot more than an ability to do hard sums.

But I bring this up to illustrate another point. Black people do badly at IQ tests. But who designed them? Ray Cattell, that’s who. A WHITE GUY!

If a number of black intellectuals got together and designed an IQ test, BLACK people would do better than white. Why? Because black, white, Asian and INUIT people THINK differently, that’s why! Not better or worse, just DIFFERENTLY. I used to CRINGE watching black people lose EVERY time, in Seventies British game shows. It was the damn QUESTIONS that were to blame – they were TOTALLY slanted in favour of white folks.

Language. P.C nuts are even trying to destroy our language. I’m not even going to START on the laughable “politically correct” terms that have invaded it. But there are some that are just SAD. Again, I’ll try just a few…

“The ‘N’ Bomb”. Bombs KILL people - words just niggle. As far back as the Fifties, the Grandfather Of Modern Standup Comedy, Lenny Bruce (a Jew) did a regular routine where he picked on a black member of the audience and proceeded to berate him with every nasty anti-black epithet that existed (and in Fifties America, he had plenty to choose from) and JUST as the guy looked like he was going to climb onto the stage and CRUSH him, he’d stop him. He’d point out that he hadn’t stolen anything from the black guy. Hadn’t physically TOUCHED him. Just used WORDS. And then went on to say that if EVERYONE used the “N” word in everyday speech, the word would become DISEMPOWERED and little black kids wouldn’t come home crying ’cause someone had called them a (“N”-word).

Fifteen-odd years later, Mel Brooks (another Jew) would do the same thing in “Blazing Saddles”. By now, the word should have become SO disempowered that I could use it in these scribblings without having to resort to calling it the “N” word at all. But thanks to idiot P.C.-ers (some of whom ARE black) inventing the term “The ‘N’ Bomb”, this stupid word has more power to wound than EVER.

On a lighter note – Ms. Now anyone can see that for a woman to have to declare her marital status while a man does not, is sexist. Of course it is. A woman is a person, not a chattel. But when the P.C.-ers moved to have Ms put on forms, they didn’t think it through. Ms is fine in PRINT – but how do you PRONOUNCE it, without sounding like an angry wasp?

You CAN’T. Ms, like Miss and Mrs (pronounced “missis”) is only an ABBREVIATION. Miss and Mrs are derived from the old English word “mistress”. And therein lies the rub. In the 21st century, the term mistress has a rather different meaning. The P.C brigade should have come up with a WORD as well.

And then there’s this business of neutralising titles – boiler-person and suchlike. Why? A comedienne is merely a woman who tells gags. A man is a comediAN. The superior one is the one who gets the biggest laughs.  The woman’s skills are not diminished by including her sex in her job-description. And why choose the male version? That ALONE suggests that man is superior to woman – the very thing the device was designed to negate.

Finally, attitude. P.C was designed to HELP people. But now it causes FEAR.

In My Day, bosses were free to coerce employees into their beds. Adults were free to interfere with children knowing that no-one would believe a KID. But now, the pendulum has swung too far. Nowadays, if a workmate is crying and you try to help them – even if they’re the same SEX – you can be accused of sexual harrassment. If a divorced man is accused of sexual abuse of his children, nobody considers whether this might be a ruse by his wife to aid her custody battle. Sex crimes are unique in that the accused is guilty till proven innocent.

So, in summing up – yes, in The Old Days (working backwards) there were abuses of power, there was institutionalised racism, sexism, ageism and FORGET about the treatment gays received – you could be LOCKED UP for it – with 500 MEN – I don’t think THAT was thought through either. But in trying to combat that sorry state of affairs, the P.C. brigade has replaced ONE set of fears with ANOTHER.

Why can’t we all just understand, appreciate and even have FUN with the differences between our various groupings? No-one can like everyone, but for crissake let’s just try to be CIVIL to each other and AVOID having to be FORCED to be so, by P.C. morons.

Okay, I don’t claim this piece to be a concise work on the subject – that would take a BOOK – SEVERAL books – just a few points at random that MIGHT make someone THINK.

I’m not even going to open it for discussion. Inevitably, some will think I’m a Nazi for even SUGGESTING that racial stereotypes exist. Others might BE Nazis – and I don’t want to hear from THEM, EITHER. So if you have views on this one – start your OWN blog. And if you have already, discuss it there.

These are WORDS, people! Respect them. Don’t be one of those people who is prepared to fight to the death to preserve free speech – so long as it agrees with YOUR views.

Damien on… War

War is… a CON.

It is perpetrated on young, gullible men – and increasingly, women - by OLD men. And those young people are rarely fighting for the causes they THINK they’re fighting for. The REAL causes are always about power and frequently about MONEY. As the old adage goes – war is good for business – alright, it’s a Ferenghi Law Of Acquisition, but no less true for that.

When I was young, I assumed companies manufacturing weapons and munitions did so at COST during wartime - but then again, at that age I also believed in Santa Claus, International Rescue and honest politicians.

And what does the huge wealth created by war cost those who have to FIGHT it? At best, their sanity – ask the trolley-dollies on military flights to combat zones about their passengers and they’ll tell you how gung-ho the grunts are on their way OUT…and how QUIET they are on the way BACK - and at worst, their young LIVES.

Part of the reason for their change of attitude on the way back, is the way foreign wars are FOUGHT. We all know about the Geneva Convention – a set of “rules” established over a hundred years ago to ensure conflicts were fought in a “gentlemanly” way – and condemn those who ignore it. But we forget that those rules were established – and periodically updated – by Westerners.

We fail to realize that if Third-World militias followed those rules – OUR rules – when fighting us, they would invariably LOSE. But THEY don’t fail to realize it and use whatever means they can AFFORD, to further their causes.

And Western kids just aren’t PREPARED for chemical warfare, machete-massacres and suicide bombers (incidentally, if a male suicide bomber gets a free pass to Heaven where he gets “serviced” by 72 virgins – what do FEMALE suicide bombers get? 72 MALE virgins? What woman wants to be gang-banged by 72 sexual incompetents?)

For a long time, the military have been able to tempt poor kids into joining the ranks with promises of free travel, accommodation and education. “It’s just two years and when you come out, you’ll have a nest-egg. You can open a surf-shop.” In My Day, a lot of guys joined up mainly to get an HGV (truck) licence.

They never mention that once you’ve signed on the line, you can quickly find yourself half-way around the planet, facing DEATH, from a bunch of people you have NO personal quarrel with.

But now, those kids are wising UP. Recruitment is DOWN. And no Western country wants to reintroduce National Service or drafts. So what does the Western military do next? Answer – take a leaf out of “Terminator” – AUTOMATE war. Modern technology can ELIMINATE the need for grunts ALTOGETHER. And if a MACHINE takes out a bunch of civilians – no Courts Martial to worry about.

But there are two BIG problems with this solution. One – it makes a “military solution” much easier to contemplate. And two – Third- World militias can’t AFFORD that technology – even if they could OBTAIN it. Which means MORE suicide bombers. MORE chemical atrocities. And more TERRORISTS (he is a terrorist – I am a freedom-fighter).

It’s not going to get any better, people…

Damien on… Circumcision

Circumcision is the genital mutilation of helpless babies by evil and/or ignorant people.

The reasons this barbaric act is permitted in our modern World are many. Let us examine them…

First, the Jewish nation. According to legend, a bloke called Abe was chatting to God one day, when the Almighty asked him for a favour. Apparently He had realised the beings He had created had a design flaw. And so asked Abe if he could correct this fault by ordering a Bris to be performed on all babies. And so it was and still is.

Of course, this story does raise a number of questions. Like, if God created Man in His image, what model did He use for the organs of reproduction? Did God HAVE them? And if not, how did He inseminate Mary? Did He use Joseph? (If so, that’s another slap in the face for the man who would go down in history as the World’s most famous cuckold).

And if God is perfect, how come He slipped up with such an important detail?  And if He is all-powerful, how come He couldn’t FIX it? Hell, if Ford made a goof like that, they would organise a product recall.

So that is the religious dimension. And in stating it, I THINK I’ve managed to piss off every major religion in the World – which is no bad thing.

But alas, circumcision is not limited to those who practice it for silly religious reasons. Oh no. Approximately 70% of American men have incomplete sex organs as well. Here, the cause appears to be the nature of their society. America is a matriarchy.

So since men cannot be trusted to WASH their junk when they have a shower, their women insist they have their penis’ protective covering REMOVED. They also claim it is aesthetically pleasing. But then again, they think having their chests cut open and getting plastic bags full of salt water stuffed behind their tits makes them look good as well.

Furthermore, American women care little for their men’s sexual satisfaction. Rather than go on the pill and risk getting FAT (or even FATTER) they demand their men continue to wear CONDOMS after marriage. This is pretty tough on said men, since – as we will see later – half of their stimulation disappears after circumcision. And most of the remaining half disappears when they don a condom.

Which means that while a man’s brain will ADAPT to varying degrees of stimulation (a vibrator delivers a FAR higher level than a hand – but either will do the trick, if you pause in between) if a circumcised man is using a condom, he has to make do with, at best, TEN PERCENT of the stimulation THIS reporter receives, every time HE makes love.

So now I’ve pissed off most AMERICANS, too. Never mind. There are still a few more reasons circumcision is supported, so let us examine THOSE…

Historically, after Abe, comes sexual repression. In days of yore, it was realised that a circumcised penis is much harder to masturbate with. You have to use a LUBRICANT – and the ejaculate goes all OVER the place. Thus it was believed removing the foreskin would remove boys’ temptation to “abuse” themselves (yeah, like THAT’D work).

Then there are the medical considerations. True, there are a couple of medical conditions where circumcision is advisable – however, these are very RARE. And far MORE problems, particularly in infants, are CAUSED by the practice.

And recently, came stories that a circumcised penis was more resistant to VENEREAL DISEASES. You know – STDs. Except there is NO medical evidence to support this. And again, a little attention to personal hygiene will soon level THAT playing field.

Again speaking personally, this reporter has had unprotected sex with over a hundred women and by observing basic hygiene, the worst thing he ever picked up was N.S.U. (The disease, not the car). A course of antibiotics later and he was back in the game.

Of course, this genital mutilation is not only practised on BOYS. In certain primitive countries – particularly ones where women are treated like sh*t – FEMALE “circumcision” is commonplace. This involves removal of the top of the clitoris, thus eliminating most of the women’s pleasure from the sex act. Which in turn means the women don’t enjoy sex – so they don’t make DEMANDS on their men.

But while many international organisations voice their disapproval of THIS practise, they remain far less vocal on the issue of MALE circumcision (Jewish groups have CLOUT).

However, BOTH of these practices are equally vile. But while the female version’s disadvantages are obvious, the male version’s are less so – so let us finally examine THOSE…

As with the female’s, the male’s sex organ is an INTERNAL one. The vital organ is the KNOB (women who masturbate a man’s SHAFT get NOWHERE). And this knob – the “glans penis” to give it its proper name – is covered by a thin, sensitive skin, in which the genital corpuscles are buried.

These are the nerves that give us sexual stimulation. They are present in both women’s clitorises and men’s glans penises. Without them, sex would be pointless and the human race would die out.

And removal of the foreskin causes the skin of the glans penis to become hard and coarse – DRASTICALLY reducing the stimulation the genital corpuscles receive. (Again, the brain compensates for this to SOME degree – but still).

Whereas, with an INTACT penis, the foreskin PROTECTS this skin, with its corpuscles – and only during intercourse does it roll back, allowing the sensitive knob to caress the inside of the woman’s vagina, creating the sensations for both that makes all the dating, fighting, heartaches – and expense – of relationships ultimately worthwhile.

Then when passion is spent, a clever little membrane on the underneath of the penis eases the foreskin back over the knob, once again consigning it to its hiding place.

So remember – if you MUST lean on the crutch of religion – your God knew what he was DOING when he designed the penis. And if you accept that it evolved, NATURAL SELECTION did a good job. So either way – DON’T MESS with it!

FOOTNOTE: GALATIANS 6, verse 15 – “For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision nor uncircumcision avails anything, but a new creation.” So THERE!

Damien on… Tales Of Immigration

Ask any school-kid what they want to be when they grow up and what do you get? Astronaut (never happen). Train driver (no, you don’t). Vet (not if you LIKE animals). Nurse (you don’t know what’s involved). Doctor (more money, but likewise). Private eye (you’ve been watching too much TV).

But one thing you can guarantee is none of them will say, “I want to be a Traffic Warden. It is my goal in life to keep the traffic of Britain flowing freely.”

So where DO Traffic Wardens come from? Well, most are failed cops and ALL are damaged goods. Ugly people who were teased at school. Pompous ones who got “flushed” there. And generally, those who didn’t fit.

They either became serial killers or Traffic Wardens.

And thus it is with “Clearance Officers”. The fact is, people gravitate towards the life-partners and careers they are cut OUT for. So if you HATE people and don’t like wearing a uniform (which of course, all Traffic Wardens HIDE behind) Clearance Officer at an embassy is the job for YOU.

You see, the term is a misnomer. The job of a Clearance Officer in NOT to CLEAR people for entry into a country – it is to determine which of the battery of Conditions they have at their disposal they can use to REFUSE them entry.

Here in Thailand, the Brutish… sorry, BRITISH Embassy is the start point for Brits who have fallen for the charms (of which there are many) of a local woman and wish to take them back to Blighty.

In The Old Days, it was easy. You just popped down to the embassy and said to the guy there, “Hello old chap. I say, I met this popsy in a bar last night and damn if I didn’t MARRY the gell! What a hoot, eh what?” To which the immigration officer would reply, “Good for you, old bean. My, she’s a looker, eh what? Here’s a passport for her. Welcome to the British Empire, m’dear!”

Okay, maybe it was never QUITE like that, but it was certainly a lot easier than it is today – until guys started marrying and divorcing girls at the rate of several a year, as a BUSINESS, so the girls could get into Britain and start living off the fat of the land (of which there is precious little left). So then they brought the BUREAUCRATS in.

And getting past THEM is NOT easy. Any bar-girls are immediately weeded out by the Condition that demands the girl has a “proper” work record.

But their favourite Condition is the one concerning COMMUNICATION.

If the girl doesn’t speak near-perfect English (or the guy doesn’t speak near-perfect Thai – yeah, lotsa luck with THAT one – S.E. Asian languages are NOTHING like the Romance tongues) they shake their heads with mock-sadness and inform you that you cannot have a proper relationship as you cannot converse.

The fact primitive man had the same problem but it didn’t stop HIM from forming a relationship – if it had, neither Clearance Officers or normal people would BE here – doesn’t appear to occur to them.

Of course, one can understand the British government’s reticence at allowing still more immigrants to enter our beloved isle, to muddy our gene pool and leech our facilities. But surely, the Thai government would WELCOME ex-pat Brits with open arms? After all, we bring shed-loads of hard currency into their Second-World economy and support many of their citizens – right?

Right. If you marry a Thai woman, since the Welfare State here is non-existent and people rely on FAMILY for support – as they do almost EVERYWHERE outside Northern and Western Europe, North America and the Antipodes – you will be expected to “chip in”.

And since Thai food is inedible to most farangs (Westerners – like “Gringos”) they spend a fortune in the upscale supermarkets.

Plus the women we end up with are, by Thai standards (which are WAY higher than Western ones) only average ones. The REAL babes marry rich THAI guys.

Anyhoo, given the above, you could be forgiven for assuming the Thai immigration authorities would roll out the red carpet for farangs who deign to move here, but not so. They are bureaucrats too. All of Thailand is RIDDLED with them.

People who never use one form when six will suffice. People who like to make as MUCH work for themselves as possible, since more work means more staff. And more staff means more POWER. So they are NEVER going to “rationalise” THEIR systems.

On the contrary, every year, they give a prize to the employee that can come up with the best new idea for an “improvement” to the system that will piss off as many farangs as possible. And the more POINTLESS it is, the better.

It matters not how ridiculous the new wrinkle is – the bosses will simply spin it as some sort of “security” measure.

This is the reason Thailand LOST Disneyland Asia. After wrestling with the bureaucrats for months, The Mouse finally gave up and went to Hong Kong.

And you cannot side-step them. For a long time, this reporter took the trouble to go all the way to the border every month (this is a BIG country) to gain a “re-entry” tourist visa. But he knew it would not last. I told my wife, “One day, some big bureaucrat will ask another, ‘How many farangs are living here?’ And he’ll say, ‘I have no idea – most avoid our bullsh*t by getting a series of tourist visas.’”

I continued, “At which point, the first bureaucrat’s little eyes will light up and he’ll put out a declaration that in future, no more than six months of tourist visas will be permitted to be issued to an individual in any twelve month period.”

Which is EXACTLY what happened, two years later. Except it was three months in any six – which meant the bureaucrats got snowed under in half the time. Files ended up being piled against the walls of the aptly-named “Room 101″ at the Bangkok Thai consulate.

It got so bad, they had to bring out ANOTHER decree. This time, it was that all visa applications must be made at the applicant’s LOCAL immigration office.

These were outposts which up until then, had mostly only serviced the people who took the “you must notify local immigration within 24 hours if you move” clause in the tourist visa literally (there’s always some clown who will – despite it meaning if he’s a back-packer, he’ll spend most of his holiday sitting in bureaucrats’ waiting rooms).

From a handful of “clients” each week, these back-of-beyond bureaucrats suddenly found themselves dealing with HUNDREDS. So much for the easy life they thought they’d found. Served ‘em right.

But yours truly is SETTLED here now. So every year, he has to dance to the tunes of these excrescences. Play their games. Go running around like a headless chicken, obtaining yet MORE pointless pieces of paper they can stamp their little stamps on.

I am reminded of a line – What do you call twenty bureaucrats with concrete wellies at the bottom of the Chao Phraya river? A damn good START…

Damien on… Britain's Pound

America may have her problems, but that’s what happens when you elect a Monkey as your executive – TWICE.

But at least she now has Obama who, provided the people re-elect him, has the same amount of time as the previous incumbent to repair the damage.

Not so the land of MY birth – Britain.

After the glory days of the Sixties, thanks to an incompetent left-wing government in the Seventies – a greedy, corrupt right-wing government during the Eighties and half of the Nineties – and Nice-But-Dim Tony Blair’s left-wing government that has reigned ever since – Britain’s economy is in the DUMPER.

And the Scotch nit who took over doesn’t look like he’s going to improve things.

The main problem is the damn POUND. Brits didn’t want to know about the Euro, when the more SENSIBLE countries of Europe adopted it. And, mindful of VOTES, Tony promised not to adopt it without a referendum.

Which goes to show why letting the IDIOT PEOPLE run a country is a BAD IDEA. The plebs know as much about economics as I do about quantum physics.

And as a result, while Europe’s economy struggles on, Britain’s Pound sinks slowly nearer and nearer to parity with the Euro. I confidently predict (and you heard it here first – on the 3rd of October, 2009) that during 2010, the Pound will drop BELOW the value of said Euro.

How long it will be before it drops below the DOLLAR, I don’t even want to CONSIDER…

Damien on… Countries' Indicators

You can tell a lot about a country by its indicators.

For instance, a country is DEFINED by its attitude towards its sex industry. All countries HAVE them, but while some freewheeling nations allow openness, others try (mostly unsuccessfully) to suppress them. Like, in Germany, it is tolerated but REGULATED. In Thailand, it exists – but is ignored. The French CELEBRATE it. Sweden is free-thinking, but cold. In England it is legal, but swept under the carpet. I could mention certain other countries, but these days…

The point is, in ALL countries, their attitude to their sex industry reflects their attitude to EVERYTHING.

Then there’s a country’s age of consent. The HIGHER it is, the more REPRESSED the country. In some countries, it is as high as EIGHTEEN (which is unfortunate for its men, as they hit their sexual peak at around FIFTEEN – by eighteen, they are on the slide) and in one country it is TWENTY-FIVE – unless you are married!

But as the age lowers, countries split into two – like a bell-curve. In Holland, it is twelve (with certain qualifications) and they are one of the most ADVANCED countries in the World. While others also have twelve – but only because they are PRIMITIVE. An examination of OTHER parameters is necessary to determine WHICH catagory such a country falls into.

Another useful index is the percentage of a country’s people who believe in a GOD. The higher THAT percentage is – the more RETARDED the country is.

(And if THIS one doesn’t get me comments…)

Damien on… Copyright

If you own a factory that makes bicycles, then steel tubing, rubber, plastic, ball-bearings and so on come in one end – and bicycles go bowling out the other. Fine. You have a product you can see, touch – and ride. But what if you own a record company? Or a film studio?

The problem is, you have products that are nebulous. Oh, they are very real – but still conceptual and abstract. And whilst in The Old Days, people had to buy music on records, see films in a cinema and watch TV programmes on TV (as and when scheduled by the distributor/TV station) – nowadays, thanks to modern technology, they can be COPIED and enjoyed ANYWHERE.

The thing is, in The Old Days, the Industry could CONTROL their nebulous, abstract products – but following the introduction, to the public, of recording tape in the early Fifties, audio-cassettes in the late Sixties, VIDEO-tape in the early Eighties and now, cheap, recordable audio/video disks, coupled with the communication superhighway that is the Web – trying to stop people USING these facilities is akin to Canute trying to stop the incoming tide.

But what of the audio-visual material these devices rely on? Well, this material is produced by the Entertainment Industry. Y’know – SHOWBIZ!

But as professionals make everything look like FUN, people FORGET it IS a business. Most think creative people are just PLAYING – not working. But then, they haven’t spent weeks in a jungle, or given the same interview over and OVER, or sung the same song seventeen times, ’cause the producer wants “that little bit of MAGIC”.

So sure, what showbiz types do, allows them to express themselves and it’s satisfying when it comes together – but it IS still WORK.

And actors, singers, composers, writers, producers and so on have to EAT. “Art for art’s sake – money for gawdsake.” Therefore, when an actor, singer, composer, writer or producer sees the fruits of their labours being sold as pirated goods by freeloaders – and they aren’t getting a penny for it – they tend to feel hard done by. Which is fair enough.

HOWEVER… when the product in question is a record or film made SEVENTY YEARS ago, where the CREATIVES are all long DEAD and the “owners” of the material are merely greedy corporations – this is where a LINE should be drawn. 

This writer believes that after a reasonable time, music, TV and movies should become PUBLIC DOMAIN. Of course, some of it already IS. Generally, music becomes public property after 100 years and books after just 50. So why not SHORTEN and EXTEND this?

Okay, I can hear capitalists saying, “Yeah, why not give Constable’s ‘The Haywain’ AWAY? HE died 170-odd years ago.” Well, no. It’s not the same thing. An original painting is – like the bicycle – a THING. But it does raise another issue. These days, any movie that dresses a set with real paintings – or even prominently shows a famous old BUILDING – has to get “clearance”. These days, TEE-SHIRT LOGOS get pixellated without it. Which is ABSURD.

Bottom line? By all means ensure people who create “intellectual properties” get paid for their work. But once that has happened, allow said properties to be used by ALL – not get passed around like gold bricks from one corporation to another. If a company wants to buy intellectual properties as investments, alright. But those properties should have a set LIFE – then be free to all.

It’s no use us having this unprecedented ability to disseminate entertainment, if those who do so are going to be constantly harassed by big business.

With that in mind… go enjoy my YouTube uploads (see blogroll – top right!)

Damien on… American Names

I don’t need to dwell on Americans’ insistence on changing the English language for no other reason than to try and kid themselves that THEY invented The Language Of Shakespeare.

But I cannot let their current fad for mispronouncing and misspelling NAMES pass without comment.

I mean, do they REALLY have to try to “elevate” mundane names with spellings like K’rinne (Corinne) and Jaymee (Jamie)?

And even sadder are those who SPELL them correctly but choose to PRONOUNCE them “exotically”. Like Colin Powell. Colin is pronounced “colin”, not “coe-lyn” – DUMMY! How did a man who can’t even pronounce his own NAME reach a position of power?

The words “as” and “if” immediately spring to mind…

Damien on… John McCain's Health

Now here’s a thought…

If America had had the (collective) stupidity to vote McCain into the White House (they voted a MONKEY in – TWICE) Sarah “Calamity Jane on acid” Palin would have been Veep.

Thus if the old boy had pegged out during his reign (which would’ve been more than likely) Cruella’s Country-Bumpkin Cousin would have become the most powerful person on the planet. A SERIOUSLY scary thought.

This World is in ENOUGH trouble without being ruled by someone who actually believes there’s a god – and that Africa is a country. Oh, and who wets herself every time she looks out of her kitchen (the best place FOR her) window, because she can see the arse-end of Russia from it.

Sh*t! If SHE ever ruled the Oval Office, people might actually begin to yearn for the Good Old Days when George Wan… sorry, WaLker Bush occupied it!

But the above is obvious to any Thinking Person, so what’s my point?

Well, history abounds with what-ifs – thus it occurred to this writer that it will be interesting to see if John McCain DOES fall off the twig during the next eight years (from old age, not an accident – if he falls off his Zimmer Frame, all bets are off) because it will mean that had the Yanks lost ALL of their marbles and voted these two jokers in – Palin would have ended up as POTUS.

Which means our Earth dodged a bigger bullet than the football-field-sized asteroid that flew within the Moon’s orbit a few months ago.

So thanks, Americans. And no matter WHAT he does – make sure you vote Obama back for his second term!

Damien on… The World's Greatest Mass-Murderer

Which National leader was responsible for the most deaths? Any boy? House-point available. Adolf Hitler? Joseph Stalin? Margaret Thatcher? Amateurs. The leader responsible for more deaths than those three COMBINED was… the 28th President Of The United States, Woodrow Wilson.

Huh? You mean the guy who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize? Yep, that’s him.

Y’see, Woody was POTUS during WW1, and it was HE who was ultimately responsible for unleashing American Plague on an already war-weary public, in 1918.

American Plague? What’s that? Well, you might know it better as Spanish Flu.

The history books tell us that during 1918 and 19, between 25 and 100 MILLION people died, world-wide, from Spanish Flu. What they rarely mention is that it was a PLAGUE, similar to Bubonic and that it was only first IDENTIFIED in Spain. It originated in the good old USA.

It began life as a disease of pigs (just like the CURRENT one) on the farms of middle America, where it crossed over to the farm-workers.

And when it came time to mobilize the US army to end the war that would end all wars, these farm-workers got sent to barracks, where they began infecting everyone ELSE. Then it was time to (literally) ship them out – packed into troop-ships where they would have time to infect still MORE men – all of whom would be sent to the four corners of the globe, to fight for peace – thus infecting the LOCAL populations as well.

Now of course, any first-year medical student will tell you that Rule Number One to stop a highly infectious disease from spreading, is to STOP all unnecessary TRAVEL. ISOLATION is the KEY to nailing a plague. So Woody and his advisors obviously didn’t KNOW about the American Plague, RIGHT?

Except that they DID. They even computed how many troops would DIE, BEFORE they reached the combat zones – and the figure was considered “acceptable”. When Woody read the figures and STILL signed the papers to let the mobilization take place, he’s on record as saying, “May God forgive me for what I’ve done.”

Whether or not God DID forgive him is not a matter of record. But what IS – is the fact that this, The Most Irresponsible Act Ever Carried Out By A Man, resulted in at LEAST 25 million dead, world- wide. And some estimates go as high as 100 million. The reason for the vagueness of the figures is the “knock-on effect”.

Like kids who died in little villages in the Third World, from starvation. Their parents were unable to feed them ’cause they they were DEAD. And being Third World countries in 1918, they didn’t keep reliable records anyway.

But even if you only accept the figure of 25 million, that still dwarfs the figure killed in the actual WAR. AND the holocaust. And Siberia. And the killing fields of Cambodia. And Darfur. And those murdered by “Care In The Community” patients, released by Thatcher’s government, so she could save money by closing Mental Hospitals.

No, when it comes to death, Woodrow Wilson is the champ. In fact, if the 100 million figure IS correct, he could JUST have eclipsed ALL of the world’s leaders COMBINED. From George Wan…sorry, WaLker Bush, right back to the first prehistoric tribal leader who ordered some poor shmuck he didn’t like, to be staked out over an ant-hill.

And then they awarded him the Nobel Prize For Peace…

Damien on… Encyclopaedias vs Wikipedia

In a former life, I sold stuff door-to-door. Everything from home improvements to my own art(?)-works. But I cut my teeth on encyclopaedias.

Our main rival was Encyclopaedia Britannica – I sold Grolier – but whichever company you worked for, it was a tough sell. And I worked solely on commission.

The main problem was they were EXPENSIVE, so most people bought them on HP. But then Waverley came up with a great idea. They had been printing “Book Of Knowledge” since the Twenties, but in the Sixties, they began issuing it as a MAGAZINE.

The deal was, in every copy was a token. Save twelve (or sixteen – I can’t remember) and post them off to Waverley and they sent you a free binder.

The system had its pros and cons. The pros were: you would actually READ the thing, rather than just use it to look up stuff – and if you couldn’t keep up the payments you could just STOP, no harm, no foul.

But the cons were: if you did THAT, you were stuck with HALF a set of encyclopaedias – and they looked CHEAP.

Now, a while ago I actually READ a set of encyclopaedias – no, really! It was the proper book set of “Book Of Knowledge” and I read it from end to end. They made a good read, but each volume had a TEST at the end, with questions gleaned from the text.

And I got over half the answers right. However, most of those answers I would have gotten anyway. The ones I didn’t know had been covered – and I REMEMBERED they’d been covered – but I still couldn’t recall the answers.

Of course the reason was, when I read the encyclopaedias – I was FIFTY-FIVE. Old dog – new tricks. Which is probably why Einstein is quoted as saying he never bothered to commit anything to memory that he could look up in a book! 

There was also another snag. The set in question was one I’d bought years ago, second hand. They were cheap – but that’s because they were printed in 1957. Thus their coverage of the Moon landing, plasma TVs and any President after Eisenhower was – non-existent.

And therein lies an additional problem. ALL encyclopaedias are out of date BEFORE they reach the printers. Enter Wikipedia.

I had heard that Wiki had a lot of mistakes and even some JOKE entries in it – since it’s compiled by the PUBLIC. But that reputation is undeserved. In my experience, it is a work of GENIUS. The Sum Total Knowledge Of Our Planet is in there.

And if you have a question about ANYTHING - you simply Google it. F’rinstance, I just Googled “who was the president of the united states in 1957?” and immediately found out it was Dwight.

Thus, if you have one of THESE things – a computer (and who doesn’t, these days) – a set of encyclopaedias is as outdated as men’s pony-tails.

Like, less than 24 hours after Les Paul had died, I looked him up in Wiki – and his death was reported at the end of his biog. Britannica had annual update volumes, but even THEY couldn’t match THAT.

After 240-odd years, Britannica is still going – with disk versions for computers – but it’s now a DINOSAUR. A computer may be a pain in the arse sometimes, but it brings the whole World to your desk (or lap).

They say Comedy Is The Hardest Job In The World. Well maybe – but these days, it’s gotta be easier than selling bloody encyclopaedias door-to-door!

Damien on… "Fashion" Designers

Elsewhere in these ramblings, you will find the legend – “Style is for individualists – fashion is for the gullible.” A truism.

But t’other day, it occurred that perhaps the designers are having a LAUGH at fashion-slaves. Think about it – many of these decrepit con-artists are around MY age.

And in MY day, wearing shoes without socks, trainers without laces and “penguin” jeans (the ones where the crotch is barely above the knees) would have made you a figure of fun.

Whilst wearing sleeveless jumpers, khaki, “grandad” underpants and tops with HOODS – would have got you beaten UP!

I rest my case. Fashionistas are taking the PISS.

Damien on… Waste In The West

Specifically – cars. Before I left the cold, wet, overpriced misery of Britain (yes, I remembered to turn off the lights) for warm, friendly Thailand, I drove a seven-year-old car. It was worth three grand, but in order to have time to GET that amount (since I would need wheels right up to the time I arrived at Heathrow) I sold it and bought a banger (clunker). It cost me £75.

It had several months M.O.T. (for non-Brits – this is the mandatory road-worthiness certificate) and was pretty much street-legal. In fact, all it needed to make it a good car was a new fuel non-return valve, a new hazard-flasher switch, a new radio aeriel, a retaining-clip for the battery, a small plate welded in the driver’s floor pan and a new thrust-bearing for the clutch.

All of which would have cost about £800 in the Uke – which for a car worth at best £250, would have been uneconomical. Hence its low price. Less than the taxi-fare to the airport – which is where I would have ABANDONED it, had a friend not wanted it (he got a train to the terminal, where I simply GAVE him the keys and paperwork).

Yet here in Thailand, the car would have been fixable for about £200 – and been worth about TWO GRAND! Why? That bloody M.O.T.

You see, back in early-Sixties Britain, there were still plenty of pre-war jalopies on the road – many of which were WIDOW-MAKERS. Thus H.M.G. began a VOLUNTARY roadworthiness scheme. It was called “Ten Year Tested” – which speaks for itself.

But the voluntary scheme begat a MANDATORY one and the original ten years slowly reduced until, by the Seventies, it had reached its current point – THREE years. And what started as a check of the basics soon turned into a seven-hundred-item list. At which point, running a car more than three years old became majorly EXPENSIVE.

F’rinstance, when my seven-year-old car was just four, the M.O.T. station’s computer decided it needed a new catalytic converter. Apart from a single blue puff when you cold-started it, it was fine. But… TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS! AND the new cat reduced my power, to boot.

Which is why Britain THROWS AWAY thousands of perfectly good vehicles every year. They GO, are perfectly safe and – if their owners have (pointlessly) cared for them – are GOOD CARS. But in modern Britain, they are just not financially VIABLE. Thus Blighty’s scrap-yards are LITTERED with cars that for all practical purposes have YEARS of use left in them.

And this is just another example of the difference between Britain and Thailand. Obviously, cars with SERIOUS defects are undesirable – they KILL people. But as is usual with British legislation, things have gone TOO FAR. As a result of which, there you can buy a beautiful shiny Jag for a few hundred pounds – whereas here, a tatty twenty-year-old Toyota will cost you TWO THOUSAND.

And that is because when you take it to a Thai M.O.T. station, they kick the tyres – and if the doors don’t fall off, they start filling in the certificate! I love this country.

Damien on… Why Being A Movie Star Is A Pain In The Arse

As stated elsewhere in these columns, the most important thing in the World is your life-partner. However, there are other things in this life which appeal. I call them The Five Impostors. They are Experience, Wealth, Power, Achievement and Fame.

Of these, the most worthy is Experience. Despite all of the bullsh*t in the World (some of which is discussed below) this is still a fantastic existence – and you owe it to yourself to see, feel and absorb as much of it as you can, before that existence is cut short.

The other Impostors lag behind. Wealth SOUNDS great, but the only REAL value of money is the FREEDOM it gives you to get the above-mentioned EXPERIENCE – assuming you have the IMAGINATION to use it for same, rather than live the life rich people are EXPECTED to live.

Power is supposed to be an aphrodisiac – but Viagra works better.

Achievement means having your name on buildings, while pigeons crap on the head of your statue. Those entering said buildings or eating their lunch seated on the plinth of your likeness will not give you a second thought. Why should they? They do not know you.

And the LEAST worthy is FAME.

Fame is typified by being a big huge MOVIE STAR. But it is BOGUS.

First, millions of people dream of being one – and thousands have the talent to BE one – while the only reason YOU are one is you just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

So there you are. You are a star. Billboards carry your image, Google has thousands of entries for you, your mug gets shown on TV – and you are RICH. Hallelujah!

But what about the downside? Well, you can forget about living a normal life. The paps will follow you constantly. People will come up and start talking to you – by NAME – as if they know you. And if you brush them off, your name will be mud. You will be expected to be “on” all the time.

And if one of the characters you have played has a popular catch-phrase (movie-makers LOVE those) everyone will CONSTANTLY refer to it – while imagining they are the ONLY people to have thought of it. And you will have to grin acknowledgement EVERY time (telling them they are the 477th person to say that TODAY will only piss them off – and will not make ANY difference to everyone else, who will continue to do likewise).

And while everybody will TRY to talk to you like you are an ordinary person, you will know they can NOT. Because you are a CELEBRITY.

But what about the WORK? Surely THAT is worth all the aggravation?

Well, given the amount of location work involved with most modern movies, you will STILL have to endure the above. GONE are the days when movies were made in studios, where you could virtually LIVE on the lot – cossetted and shielded from the plebs.

And when all is done and wrapped, you still have your contractual obligation to do the PUBLICITY. Not for the movie you have just finished and are exited about. That will be in post- for two, three months. Then previewing. Then awaiting its release slot. No, right NOW you have got to hawk the one BEFORE – or even, if you are in constant demand – the one before THAT.

This will consist of whistle-stop tours of interminable chat-shows and interviews, where every hack will ask you the SAME questions. But you will have to pause, pretend to formulate an answer, then talk as if you have NEVER been asked that question before. This will stretch your acting prowess more than the blasted MOVIE did.

Then comes the schmoozing. You will have to attend COUNTLESS posh dos, in order to keep your profile up – unless you become an A-List star (and that is as likely as your winning the Lottery).

And all of the time, you will have to jockey for the best parts. You would not BELIEVE the roles ALL top stars were unwise enough to turn down. Their nightmares are haunted by them. And if you appear in three turkeys in a row, you will be left trying to make a COMEBACK – possibly for the rest of your life.

So NOW you know why ALL movie-stars want to DIRECT. Sure, there is still the need to produce constant hits – but at least you can go shopping at Safeway…

Damien on… President Palin

Sarah, not Michael. (He’s English, so would not qualify – although even a Python would be better than Sarah). No, I’m talking about Sarah Palin. The young, female version of The Monkey – George Wan… sorry, WaLker Bush. She thinks Africa is a country. Calamity Jane on acid. Yeah, THAT one.

I now hear that 42% of Americans would VOTE for her if she ran for POTUS. Now THERE’S a scary thought.

It reminds me of the late Seventies, when I thought that the rabidly Right-wing Mad Maggie Thatcher couldn’t POSSIBLY get elected. Oh, how wrong I was!

But after being elected, she immediately became unpopular. She needed help. It came, but from an unexpected direction. Hundreds of years earlier, a lack of communication had resulted in some pin-prick islands in the South Atlantic having disputed ownership. Britain and Argentina both lay claims to them.

That month’s current military dictator, a guy called General Leopoldo Galtieri – who, thanks to his death-squads, etc., was ALSO less than popular with HIS people – figured he could acquire some cred by grabbing the islands. So he did – figuring Britain would sabre-rattle, but do nothing. Oh how wrong HE was!

Seizing her chance, Maggie went to war against Leo. (Well, not PERSONALLY of course – poor, young, gullible squaddies would do THAT for her).

The conflict began – along with the body-count. America were forced to sit on the fence, tut-tutting. On the one hand, they had a “special relationship” with Britain [hah!] but on the other, they didn’t want the nice, fascist government of Argentina to fall – a Left-wing one might replace it. Thus they found themselves in the somewhat UNUSUAL position – for them – of neutrality.

But Britain had the fire-power to win this one WITHOUT Uncle Sam.

Which resulted in the biggest wave of nationalism seen in Britain since England (sort of) won the World Cup in ’66 – against it’s old enemy, Germany, to boot.

And THAT resulted in mad Maggie winning several more elections on the strength of the “Falklands Factor”.

Plus she was helped by another fluke, in the form of a Third (MOR) Party. For many decades, Britain had been a Two-Party country, but in the mid-Eighties, a NEW party sprang up. It SHOULD have been called the Liberal Democrats and boasted that it had a QUORUM of leaders – each experts in their field. But sadly, no.

The two parties that comprised this Third Way did not want to give up their independence, so insisted on calling themselves The Social Democratic Party-Liberal Alliance. Someone should have explained Brand Identity to them.

And the SDP’s David Owen was an Alpha Male who vied for (and won) supremecy against the nice David Steel, leader of the Liberals. While Roy Jenkins was seen as ugly, Bill Rogers, aloof – and Shirley Williams looked like an unmade bed. The cult of personality resulted in their POLITICAL skills being overlooked.

Another problem was their refusal to state which party they would align with, if the election did not produce a majority result. This pissed off previously Left- AND Right-wing voters. Neither of whom wished to vote for a party who might align with what BOTH saw as the Other Side.

However, the MAIN reason for their downfall was the way the two “main” parties had divvied up the voting regions, over the previous decades. All of the regions favoured either the Right or the Left. Thus on election night, the “Alliance” Party came a close SECOND in nearly all of those regions – thus winning NONE. A fiasco. Maggie was back AGAIN.

And on it went. When it finally seemed like Maggie MUST be ousted next time (The People were finally waking up to the fact that her party had succeeded in selling off nearly ALL of Britain’s “family silver” – the public companies – and “privatising” [commercialising] them, which resulted in hundreds of DEATHS from train crashes, caused by commercial companies taking shortcuts with safety, THOUSANDS more, thanks to the run-down of Britain’s once-proud National Health service, several hundreds more, murdered by loonies set free from asylums under the cheap “care in the community” programme and an unknown number of old people “helped off” by their kids, who didn’t want to lose their inheritance when their Mums and Dads were forced to sell their homes to pay for old-age care – which had previously been free, courtesy of the “from the cradle to the grave” Welfare State, set up by the Left-wing party of the late Forties) her party threw her out and in came John Major. A major arsehole.

He managed to win yet ANOTHER election by using the old “last-minute-vote-grabbing” ploy. He pointed out that whilst the Left-wing party might rebuild the country – it would COST those who were in work (still the majority of people) in increased taxes.

The country then sat back for ANOTHER five years whilst Major’s people asset-stripped what little was left of Britain. And since they knew there was no WAY they’d win ANOTHER election, they even dropped the SPIN. All pretence they were doing their best for the common man was GONE. Now it was just about feeding the Fat Cats.

Thus, when nice-but-naïve Tony Blair came upon the scene, he was scared to DEATH of Major pulling the same stunt as last time – so he promised to rebuild Britain WITHOUT increasing taxes. He won easily.

But tragically, instead of doing what any self-respecting Right-wing PM would have done – increase taxes anyway, blaming it on the last lot – he stuck to his guns. He attempted to re-build Britain, without increasing taxes (at least, VISIBLE ones) by making things run more EFFICIENTLY [again, hah!]

Which takes us to the current mess Britain is in. “Broken Britain”, with its currency devalued by a THIRD against all others (except Zimbabwe, of course) its Welfare State in tatters and a general feeling of “Will the last person leaving Britain please turn out the lights.”

So, America. If you vote Sarah Palin in, that’s the sort of disaster YOU can expect. She and The Monkey TOGETHER wouldn’t have the intelligence to find their way out of a room (you’ve already seen Bush TRY to) – but she’ll certainly screw up your COUNTRY.

So come ON! You’ve ALREADY had a monkey in the White House for eight years. He’s f***ed up your economy, got you into an absurd war, got thousands of you KILLED and turned your nation into the most hated one on Earth.

Even if no “American patriot” SHOOTS him, Obama has a massive uphill struggle ahead. Allowing for time spent electioneering – to get himself his second term – he really only has seven years in power to try and FIX things. And Palin could UNDO that work in seven DAYS.

Do you REALLY want that?

Damien on… The Skeletons In Your Cupboard

 …divide into two kinds.

There are the evil deeds which you know others would seriously frown on - but that you can live with. These do not trouble you.

Then there are those deeds which, if stated in bald terms, would probably not even raise others’ eyebrows. But they invade your dreams.

Because YOU know what you did.

Damien on… I can’t even think of a TITLE for THIS one!

I just heard that the Pentagon were “mulling over” the possibility of BANNING SMOKING – THROUGHOUT THE U.S. MILITARY. Even for guys in COMBAT. Oh come ON – that’s not FAIR!

I mean the absurdities are so MANY – where does a poor writer START? Let’s see…

Smoking soldiers are fine, provided they are the victims of a napalm attack.

Or how about – well, they wouldn’t want soldiers in COMBAT exposed to the perils of “second-hand smoke”, would they? That could be DANGEROUS.

Or one could just boringly point out that with recruitment down, totally alienating twenty percent of potential grunts ain’t REALLY such a smart idea.

I suppose it’s a sign of the way things have changed, since my day.

Then, most of America’s combat troops were smoking HASH.

———————————————————————————————————

UPDATE! Incredibly, just TWO DAYS after the above, I NOW hear the Pentagon are “mulling over” (those words AGAIN) trying to recruit another 30,000 troops to replace those who are leaving the services. Yeah, tell me how THAT works out for you!

Damien on… Magic Finally Revealed

Ten years ago, four TV specials aired, featuring a mysterious Masked Magician (actually, Val Valentino) who revealed how a lot of large – and some small – illusions were DONE. The hype went on about how he had received death-threats from other magicians and so on – but in reality, he was no rat. He knew exactly what he was doing.

The truth was that nearly all of the illusions featured were OLD ones from the SEVENTIES, which no reputable magician would still have had as part of his act. And when the Masked Magician finally revealed himself at the end of the fourth show, he gave a long speech where he pointed out that magic had been dying on its arse until these specials had revived interest in the whole genre.

This was true and I’m sure that most magicians would – at least secretly – have acknowledged it. Back in those Seventies, the camp style of the time had been a golden age for magic, but by the cynical, post-ironic Eighties, magic had hit an all-time LOW.

However, since Val blew the lid off, magic has gone from strength to strength.

Many new, young magicians have hit the scene and taken the science to extremes which those hacks in the Seventies could not have DREAMED of. Of course, the basics of magic are still used (the Masked Magician was careful not to reveal too many of THOSE) but the presentation has surpassed all the campery of thirty years ago.

However, there is one aspect of these revelations that has been overlooked.

When we see a trick performed, the entertainment comes from the SURPRISE. Magic’s strength is not its ability to PUZZLE. People do not LIKE being puzzled - which explains some of the public antipathy towards it. “How did you DO that?” “Very well.” (Smugbastard). No, the thing people like about magic is its power to SURPRISE.

Once a trick has been performed, it is often possible to work OUT how it was done, anyway. But a magic show consists of a series of tricks performed in quick succession - thus giving the audience no TIME to start thinking about how something was done, because the next trick is beginning.

But once the show is over, the thrill is gone – and has been replaced by PUZZLEMENT. And that puzzlement leads to frustration and finally ANNOYANCE. But if the secret is REVEALED, even if it turns out to have been mundane, we are SATISFIED. Indeed, if the secret is as fascinating as the illusion – as with Penn & Teller’s “truck trick” - we are as entertained by the reveal as we were by the trick itself.

Of course, one can see why the magicians of old would have been OUTRAGED at people like Penn & Teller – and HORRIFIED by the Masked Magician. In those days, acts would tour – unchanged – for YEARS. And young magicians cut their teeth on the old masters’ tricks.

But things have changed. These days, ALL aspects of The Business are disposable. Comedians do a tour, then sell it on DVD. The next year, they tour again with all-new material. And so it is with magic. Modern magicians have to continually strive for new, ever-better tricks – and the hacks are reduced to doing shows in old people’s homes where half the audience doesn’t know where they ARE.

And today, the Masked Magician is BACK – this time, with a SERIES.

He is ten years older now (and a bit porked up). But I for one welcome him. I too am older – and I STILL want to know how all those OTHER tricks from my youth were done!

Damien on… The Price Of Fame

It’s been a bad time for celebrities, of late.

First, the American Injustice System FINALLY started nailing the more dangerous ones. O.J., Spector – Martha.

And now, they’re dropping like flies. Michael Jackson (THAT one will run and run) Farrah Fawcett (at least those “tap” jokes will stop now) and Mollie Sugden – all fell off the twig during the past week.

Last week was also the forty-eighth anniversary of the birth of Princess Diana. Diana was another celeb whose passing affected the public – but in her case, the fame was of Elvisian proportions (that’s another one the Spellchecker will hate).

Diana was called “The People’s Princess” - like Charlie had met her in Waitrose. BULL! She was POSH! Her Dad was a Viscount, for gawdsake.

The simple truth is – Diana was a Sloan who got out of her depth. Her main misreckoning was her belief she could “modernise” the British Royal Family. “The Firm”, as it’s known to insiders, is firmly entrenched in the Thirties and she could no sooner have done that than survive a 112 m.p.h. crash into a concrete post, whilst not wearing a seatbelt.

No. Although Diana was only fifteen years younger than the Windsor Wingnut, they were more like THIRTY years apart in spirit. Whilst she listened to Wham tapes on her Walkman, Charlie was playing Goon records on his gramophone.

Thus, the divide became a CHASM. Eventually it drove Diana potty. Stories of her attempts to win the public’s sympathy as a “victim” abounded. Like the one where a pap claims she did a strip for him, knowing he had a long lens on her. The stunt backfired when his pictures were bought and suppressed.

Then there was the time she (allegedly) slashed her wrists on the Royal Plane and smeared them all over the walls. Freaked Charlie out, that one.

But her death begat even stranger stories. You’re probably sick of hearing them. Many were started by a certain very rich person who SUES – so I’ll not name him. Suffice to say his claims seem like the ravings of a grief-stricken old man, but then again – we live in a strange World.

However, as the saying goes – most rumours are true, while most conspiracy theories are complete bollocks. It seems likely that Diana’s passing was merely caused by a miscalculation on the part of a chauffeur – and her over-estimation of the strength of Mercs.

Of course, tragedy can strike at anybody. Stupidity, criminal acts and bad luck are not exclusive to celebrities. It’s just that the public don’t CARE when these things are visited on nobodys. But when they happen to those the media have chosen as their subjects, we allow ourselves to be drawn in.

Even THIS writer was deeply saddened by the senseless slaughter of John Lennon. Unlike lesser men, John shunned having a “security net” – knowing that a prison designed to keep people OUT is no less invasive than one designed to keep them IN.

Thus John was approachable. And in a country where ordinary folk can obtain firearms, this proved to be his undoing – and just as he had got his sh*t together, too.

Ultimately, the problem is a hundred years ago, even a President could walk anywhere unrecognised – and in as much safety as anyone else. Then along came the media. And suddenly, a person’s face could be made familiar to millions – even BILLIONS of people.

Imagine knowing that a billion people know what you look like. No-one can please EVERYONE. And even if 99% of the public like you and only one person in a million is a homicidal maniac – that still means there are ten people out there who want to KILL you.

I’m glad I’m not famous…

Damien on… How To WIN On Fruit Machines

In a former life, I was an electronic service engineer – and in that capacity, it fell upon me to work on fruit machines. In pubs and clubs. While they were occupied.

And the question I was most often asked was, “‘Ere mate, ‘ow can you win on those things?”

Now of course, the reply that immediately came to mind was, “If I knew that, I’d be PLAYING these things, not WORKING on them, you moron.” However, people who have imbibed alcohol tend not to react well to having their stupidity pointed out to them, so I’d just grin and shrug my shoulders.

(Now, the next time someone grins and shrugs their shoulders when YOU ask them a dumb question, you’ll know what they’re REALLY thinking).

Anyhoo, for those who seek an ANSWER to that question – here it is…

Fruit machines, one-armed-bandits or slots (depending on which country you’re reading this in) come in two basic kinds. Mechanical and electrical. Let’s deal with mechanical first.

These machines feature three or four wheels with symbols. You pull a handle which starts them rotating. One by one they stop and when certain symbols line up, you win. This is effected by a series of pins attached to the wheels. When the wheels stop, a slider detects whether the formation is a winning one and if it is, it triggers the payout.

The electronic ones LOOK similar – but those wheels might just as well be a video display. You are now playing a VIDEO-GAME. While the wheels may APPEAR to be mechanical, they are in fact rotating on “stepper motors” that stop the wheels precisely where the machine’s computer has designated.

And if said computer has decided this operation will be a winner, it energises the payout.

Of course, the “payout” is what ought to STOP any SANE person from PLAYING them. I mean, the payout comes from a tube inside, which contains a stack of coins. And when the tube is full, the coins that have cleared the coin-mech simply bounce over the top and go down a chute into the box below – from which they’ll NEVER RETURN.

Thus one can ONLY win what’s in the tube. And after a while, that’s YOUR OWN MONEY.

But what ABOUT that payout? Well, all machines have a “payout percentage” (which sounds better than a KEEP percentage). This is determined by local gaming laws, etc. – but it will NEVER be more than 100% (if it was, the machine would run out of money, unless some philanthropist was refilling it around the back).

And this payout percentage is the key to the whole thing. Typically, it will be around 95%. This means the machine KEEPS 5% of YOUR MONEY. But how does it do this?

On a mechanical one, this is determined by the symbols. Say a machine has three wheels. If each wheel had nine plums and one cherry – and three cherries was the sole winner - your payout percentage would be 0.1% (one in 10×10×10 – a thousand). And if it had five of each, it would pay out 12.5% (one in 2×2×2 – eight).

Of course, the actual machines are FAR more complicated than that, with a VARIETY of symbols and winning combinations – and THEIR percentage takes some SERIOUS maths to compute. But once computed, the payout percentage is guaranteed.

At least it is - in the LONG TERM.

However, therein lies the inducement to PLAY these things. Because as in life, you will get winning and losing STREAKS. If this were not the case, the payout tubes would only need to be an inch tall – and people would get BORED just steadily losing their hard-earned cash.

But the streaks experienced by players of mechanical machines tend to be a tad short - so enter the ELECTRONIC machine. In addition to “features” - like nudging the wheels to a win, holding wheels that look favourable and using what skill you have (which booze doesn’t improve) to stop a set of flashing lights in the right place - it’s programmed with LONG STREAKS.

Basically, every time the wheels go round, the computer calculates how much it has paid out during the last, say, one hundred games. Now it knows what it is SUPPOSED to pay out as a percentage, so let us say that percentage is 95%. Well, once the percentage descends to, say, 93% – it gets GENEROUS.

First, it will give the player a CHANCE at a big win, using one of its features. However, if the player is too dumb (or drunk) to take advantage of the chance – after a few more games, it will just come UP with winning combinations. This will continue until the percentage has climbed to, say, 97% – then it’ll get MEAN.

Of course, in between these winning streaks, it’ll continue to pop out the occasional small win, in order to retain the punter’s interest.

Furthermore, the sensors on the payout tubes will monitor the height of the coin-stack, to ensure it has sufficient money to pay OUT a big win.

Oh, and the sliders that shoot the payout coins off the bottoms of the stacks  – and the metal trays the coins land in – make PLENTY of noise to give potential punters the impression the machine has gone CRAZY with payouts. These are generally far louder than the groans of the punters as they watch their hard-earned disappear.

So, to return to the question at the top of this piece, how DO you beat ‘em?

Well, you become a “LURKER”. This term is familiar to regular slot-players, but for those unfamiliar with the business, I’ll explain…

As I’ve said, whether the machine in question is a mechanical or electronic example, it’ll have STREAKS. Longer ones on the electronic versions. And what Lurkers do is keep an eye on the other punters and wait for one to hit a long LOSING STREAK – then run out of MONEY. Or change.

Then, when the punter gives up – or goes in search of more change – they POUNCE. They play the machine until it hits its next winning streak, then play it until the streak ends.

And it WORKS. Of course, if the punter just went in search of change and returns to find you winning all his MONEY… well… while you are within your RIGHTS, it really depends on how BIG he is.

Oh, one last thing. I once knew a barman who worked in a club where they had a machine which – every few days, when its computer had determined the 50p coin-tube was full - would pay a £100 jackpot.

And by keeping an eye on it as he worked, he had a pretty fair idea when it was “READY”. Of course, he had to allow it to pay out to punters SOMETIMES – but still, overall, the machine enhanced his salary by around 50%!

Damien on… Pop Group Names

Back in the days when Pop ruled (1920-90) many groups tended to go for exotic names that only meant something to THEM. Although the fact that the film “Barbarella” lacked a credit sequence meant Duran-Duran were unaware the character’s name was actually Durand-Durand. But never mind.

While punk groups who went with names like Dead Kennedys, P. Pott And The Urinators and Johnny Durex And The Prophylactics (okay, I made that last one up - but the others are genuine) guaranteed they would never get AIRPLAY.

But those who chose simple names did best. The Beatles combined “beat” with “beetles” and did all right. The Animals, The Move, The Doors, Cream…

When Cliff Richard’s backing group, The Drifters, realised they might be confused on marquees with the American vocal group of the same name, they changed to The Shadows. Hank said it only took them SECONDS to come up with THAT one.

So the lesson is - keep it sweet and simple. I mean, how famous are The Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestral Circus and Adge Cutler And The Wurzels today? I rest my case.

Damien on… The Weekend

When I were nobbut a lad, it was explained to me that the reason Sunday was always placed at the START of the week on calendars was – Sunday was God’s Day. And while I stopped believing in HIM about the same time I realised Santa Claus, fairies and goblins were bogus, I accepted this.

But logic always said that since Saturday AND Sunday are called The WeekEND – they should be POSITIONED thus, rather than being SPLIT.

Well, now it appears others have come to the same conclusion. Many calendars (including the one on this computer) now show the days of the week starting with Monday, with God’s Day bringing up the rear.

God - is being RELEGATED.

Damien on… A Sure Thing

Whenever the idiot US government comes up with another winner, the idiot British government can be guaranteed to copy it ten years later – and the idiot Thai government will follow suit twenty years after that. I just hope I’m DEAD before Thailand becomes as f***ed up as those countries.

The latest example is privatising – sorry, COMMERCIALISING the TRAINS.

Of course, the current rail strike here in Bangkok will do nothing to halt this forthcoming fiasco. The only GOOD thing about it – is that those who can find someone DUMB enough to bet against them, will make a fortune betting that as the fares go UP - passenger safety (a dodgy prospect ALREADY in this country: see my Smarter Brother Morpheus on “The Great Train Crash” *) will PLUMMET.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

* http://morpheusatloppers.wordpress.com/

Damien on… Faith

…is overrated.

So why is it those smugbastards who have it, look DOWN on those whose lifetime’s experience has shown them only MAN can help Man?

Next time someone asks you your religion, don’t APOLOGISE for being INTELLIGENT. Look them straight in the face and say with PRIDE, “I am an ATHEIST.”

Then point out that the assumption everyone believes in a religion is POLITICALLY INCORRECT. The question SHOULD be, “What is your BELIEF-SYSTEM?”

Damien on… How To Deal With The Police

In Britain, when not waging their pointless war against their own citizens (The War Against Drugs) the cops spend most of their time pestering already beleaguered motorists (running a car in The Old Country costs more than having a BUTLER, these days).

Not so here in Thailand. Oh sure, thanks to pressure from America, they also wage war on drugs (often killing innocent citizens in the process) but when it comes to motorists, they only pester the riders of S.E. Asia’s seemingly unending supply of step-through motorbikes.

And given said riders’ annoying habit of driving like The Omega Man (as if there was no-one else on the road) this reporter APPROVES of that practise (at least while they’re being harrassed, it keeps the buggers off the road for a few minutes).

But when it comes to CAR drivers, the wooden-tops mostly leave us alone. And on the rare occasions they DO turn their attention to us,  a little “tea-money” will usually satisfy them (provided we remain polite – and haven’t just run OVER someone).

However, I still recall the hassles encountered Back Home, so have the following advice for those unfortunate enough to still reside there. Next time you get pulled by the fuzz (it don’t half make your eyes water) and he comes up with his favourite opener - ”Do you know WHY I stopped you?” – come back with “Listen, I already pay your WAGES, do you want me to do your sodding JOB as WELL?”

Let me know how that works out for you…

Damien on… The Sketch Bob Newhart Never Did

“Did you ever wonder how the Pope comes up with his declarations concerning birth control, etc? Well, God’s reachable on the phone if you have the number. So I’d like to take you over to Heaven. God’s sitting at his desk, talking to the Pope right now. Let’s listen in…

[Holds blue phone up to his ear] “Yeah, Benny . . . . . . . . . . I’m sorry, I don’t care HOW unpopular the ‘rhythm method’ is – Western birth-rates are down, man . . . . . . . . . . hey don’t give me grief, okay – I’m God – you WANTED the job . . . . . . . . . . hang on, I’ve got another call . . . . . . . . . . [picks up orange phone] Hey there Tolly, long time no hear. What’s happening?”

Listen, I’m not a comedy writer – I have a foreskin – YOU write the rest of this bit!

Of course, said bit would have been more suited to Lenny Bruce…

Damien on… Eating Meat

In olden times, the English ate hedgehogs and all sorts. Today, they are more refined. But what about meat that IS eaten today? Who is to say what is right?

The English frown on the French for eating horse.

Middle-Easterners disapprove of anybody who eats pig.

The central Chinese who eat cat are despised by everybody.

Likewise the Koreans who eat dog and the Japanese who eat Flipper.

And those who eat HUMAN flesh are IMPRISONED – unless they were stuck up an Ande (singular of Andes?)

The thing is, ALL meat IS edible. It’s just that we have different ideas about what is ACCEPTABLE.

Except Vegans – who believe we should all live long and prosper.

Damien on… "Methinks He Protests Too Much…"

In a former life, I was a service engineer. This necessitated my having to work on British army bases. And when they were having one of their security-alert exercises, you had to be accompanied everywhere by a squaddie.

So on this particular occasion, I found myself touring a base with one of Her Majesty’s Finest. We chatted, but unbidden by me, the conversation soon turned to what this little nerk would like to do to every queer in the World.

I mumbled agreement (he WAS armed) but found myself thinking that if Martial Law was ever declared, this excrescence would be walking Britain’s streets with a GUN. Too bad for anyone he saw MINCING down the street.

And as I considered this, another thought came to mind. It has been said the majority of rabid homophobes are in fact GAYS who, unable to deal with their sexual orientation, overcompensate by becoming furiously ANTI-gay.

Eyeing his weapon (the GUN – I’ll do the jokes) I decided it might be wise to keep this nugget of wisdom to myself…

Damien on… Victorian Mischief

Today, the Victorians are thought of as being a rather staid, boring lot – but they weren’t without a sense of humour.

Like the prankster who posed as a Council official and picked up a bunch of casual labourers from London’s Piccadilly Circus. In those days, men hung around there, waiting for people to pick them up. The tradition continues today – but the duties they perform have changed somewhat.

Anyhay, having loaded his cart with the fittest looking chaps, he drove them down Piccadilly, stopping around half-way. At this point, he took out a large sheet of paper – studied it for a few seconds – then gave them picks and shovels and got them to dig a three-foot trench across the road (in those days, the surface was merely cobble-stones).

Within half an hour, the whole of the West End’s traffic was at a STAND-STILL. Eventually, the Peelers (Victorian cops) turned up and demanded to know what was going on. The men explained they were contracted to a Council official… But of course, the “official” had disappeared!

Not only were they not paid, but the Peelers made them fill the trench back in as well.

Another joker posed as a representative from a West End theatre. He button-holed certain passers-by with an offer of free tickets to that night’s show. He explained they had some spare, single seats and claimed their temperamental star would throw a fit if he saw vacant seats in the auditorium.

The people took his tickets and duly showed up. However, a while after they had sat down, they began hearing raucous laughter coming from above. It turned out the seats had been PURCHASED by the joker – and carefully chosen, from the box-office seating plan.

The thing was, all of the seats were in the front stalls – and all of the victims had been BALD MEN. And when viewed from the upper circle, their heads spelled out a VERY rude word.

Those classic gags had STYLE. You don’t GET that any more. Here’s one YOU might like to try (I live in the Orient now – it wouldn’t work here). Wait until ‘flu season, then take out a full-page ad in as expensive a newspaper as you can afford. Obtain a library picture of people coughing, a suitable logo – and use the following copy…

“Are YOU fed up with YOUR cough? Would you like to send that cough FAR, FAR AWAY? Then get ‘Far-Cough’ Linctus TODAY! Go to your pharmacist NOW and tell him – ‘Far-Cough’!”

Should cause a LITTLE mayhem…

Damien on… My Favourite "Jethro" Gag

You have to imagine this being delivered in a broad West Country accent – for those outside Britain, best think Robert Newton as Long John Silver…

“Me Grandad ‘ad two wooden legs, but ‘e got a job at a factory as night watchman. One night, the factory caught fire. The Fire Brigade managed t’ save the factory – but me Grandad burnt to the ground!”

Damien on… The Summer Game

Once upon a time, a cricketer returned home unexpectedly when his game was rained off (well, it WAS in England) to find his wife in bed with another man (well, he WAS a cricketer). The cuckolded cricketer went berserk and whacked both of them with his bat.

Passion spent, a brief examination revealed his wife had breathed her last. However, the adulterous man was only stunned, so dragging his naked body from the bed, our batman carried him down to his garden shed (well, he WOULD have one of those). Then, propping him up on his work-bench, he proceeded to position the man’s wedding tackle between the jaws of his vice.

He slowly tightened the device JUST enough to ensure the man’s dangly bits were trapped, but without mangling them. Then he took a hacksaw and sawed off… the handle of the vice. Finally, he threw the contents of a watering can over his victim’s face, waking the man with a start.

The luckless lover looked with horror as his captor picked up the hacksaw. “Oh no,” he cried, “You’re NOT going to cut off my…” “No,” replied the cricketer, handing the man the hacksaw, “YOU are.”

As he picked up a can marked “petrol”, he smiled and said, “I’m going to set fire to the shed.”

Damien on… “Saga Holidays”

I was in my late thirties when Saga Holidays started up. Its target group was the over-fifties, for whom they promised vacations suitable for those of advanced years. Fair enough.

However, now I’M in my over-fifties – and a visit to the Tulip Fields of Amsterdam would fill me with INERTIA. In fact, I think I speak for most of my demographic when I say the only plants MY group would be interested in – in Amsterdam - are the ones available for smoking in it’s BARS.

I understand Saga is still in business, but since the original “Club 18-30″ crowd now ALSO qualify for their wares, I wonder what they’ve done to accomodate THEM?

I mean, the ORIGINAL Saga customers are all DEAD now…

Damien on… Pro-Choice vs Pro-Life

My Smarter Brother, Morpheus, has already expounded his views on this subject (at  http://morpheusatloppers.wordpress.com/) but I’d like to get in my two penn’orth.

In an ideal World, no matter what the circumstances, women would be forced to go full term with their pregnancies - provided there was no significant ADDITIONAL risk to their PHYSICAL health. Then if they still wished, they could put their babies up for adoption.  

But we don’t LIVE in an ideal World.

So since the PRACTICAL situation will always be that the rich woman can go on that “skiing holiday” in Switzerland, while the poor woman will be left with the “back-street abortionist”, the law CANNOT forbid abortion. To do so would merely turn the clock BACK.

But where does that leave the MAN in the case? Well, sadly, it leaves him NO-WHERE. If the woman is determined to abort and the man is diametrically opposed to the idea, that’s one vote each – with no opportunity for compromise. And since it’s the WOMAN’S body that’ll be ripped apart by the procedure, SHE must have the casting vote.

Of course, that’s always assuming the woman is fortunate enough to live in a country where women actually HAVE a choice – about ANYTHING.

Damien on… (True) Bed-Time Stories

Once upon a time, there was a little old lady called Annie.

Annie lived all alone with three Alsatians named Björn, Benny – and Fritz.

She always kept her doors and windows securely locked, so that no nasty men would steal her valuables.

But sad to say, one day Annie upped and died.

It was nearly three months before her daughter, Janie, came to visit. “I wonder what that funny smell is,” she said.

After a friendly policeman had forced the front door open, she found out.

Next to the CLEAN skeletons of Annie, Björn and Benny – was the partially-decomposed body of Fritz.

Fritz had always been Annie’s favourite.

Damien on… Why People Have Quit The U.K.

The Sixties – “England Swings”

The Seventies – “I’m Backing Britain”

The Eighties – “Cool Britannia”

The Nineties – “Rip-Off Britain”

The (Oos?) – “Broken Britain”

‘Nuff said.

Damien on… British Utilitarianism

I attended school in Britain from 1957-69. And during that time, we had “school milk”.

This was provided by Her Majesty’s Government as an attempt to finally eradicate rickets, scurvy and all ills associated with childhood under-nourishment. But there was a PROBLEM. No-one liked it.

Can you BLAME them? The catch was that while the milk came fresh every day – in specially-designed one-third-of-a-pint glass bottles with foil tops - no-one had FRIDGES in those days. Certainly not schools. Thus it tasted VILE.

But yours truly came up with a solution. I bought some bottles of FLAVOURING. Concentrated banana, strawberry and chocolate essence. And every day, I’d decant a squirt into a small, screw-top bottle and take it to school in my pocket. Then when the milk arrived, I’d pour it into the milk bottle – put my hand over the top and give it a shake – et voila! MILK-SHAKE!

One time, a teacher enquired what I was doing. I showed him. “Oh,” he said. He knew I’d beaten The System, but being unable to come up with a rule covering it, buggered off. Soon, other kids followed my lead. The only tragedy is, I didn’t think of it until I was 13.

I understand from Bill Cosby’s 1965 album, “Why Is There Air?”, that American kids had the same experience .

And it was in those same ’50s and ’60s that HMG came up with another winner. “Tower-Blocks” (in America – “The Projects”). These edifaces were erected as fast as the government could tear down the millions of rat-infested Victorian slums that blighted our land. But again, there was a PROBLEM. No-one wanted to live in them.

As a result of which, they were torn DOWN again in the ’70s and replaced by “maisonettes” – TINY houses that looked like they came from Toytown. But at least they were better than the blocks.

And at about the same time, thanks to the Bitch-Queen Of Mean – Margaret Thatcher - school milk got dumped as well. [You'll need the Perfumed Fart voice for the following...] “We don’t need to PAY for the PLEBS to get nourishment. We’ll just tell them that due to our wonderful advances with the NHS [National Health System] it’s no longer needed. Yes, I know Labour built the NHS and we’re busy decimating it – just don’t mention that fact.”

Thus two things designed for The People got canned which, had Utilitarianism not ruled, might still have been with us today.

The thing is, had HMG added flavourings – and invested in fridges for the schools – kids would have LOVED school milk. And the extra cost would have been MINIMAL. Likewise, had they added a few frills to the tower-blocks, people wouldn’t have ended up throwing themselves off the tops in DESPAIR.

In Britain, tower-blocks’ lighting was minimal and “vandal-proof”. The lifts were frequently out of order (ever tried carrying two babies and a pram up twenty flights of stairs?) and when they DID work, they smelled of URINE.  The corridors were bare concrete and only got decorated by GRAFITTI. 

But in Holland, they too built tower-blocks – and there, people were queueing up to get IN. Why? Because in theirs, the lifts were reliable and had mirrors in to make them appear BIGGER. And instead of the corridors being basic concrete – they had carpets, hessian wallpaper and pictures. And their entrances had wood paneling. And the whole had bright lights with lamp-shades.

My point is, because OUR tower-blocks were designed along utilitarian lines, the people felt like no-one cared – so why should THEY? And as result, Britain wasted BILLIONS erecting – then a few years later, tearing down – buildings which, if some RESPECT had been given to their occupants, could still have been around today.

In short, in order to save a PITTANCE (how much does cheap carpet, hessian wallpaper and a few prints and lampshades COST – compared with the price of a whole tower-block?) by going utilitarian, HMG – and thus, the British tax-payers – wasted a FORTUNE.

And thanks to the same thinking, my generation still thinks of milk with a SHUDDER.

Damien on… Insurance Claims

When my Mum passed (two years after my Dad) she left various insurance policies. And the letters I wrote to the various insurance companies to cash them in were all mundane – except for ONE. And I have reproduced most of it here…for your entertainment.

“…The beneficiary of policy number [number] was Ada Roberts, my late mother’s late mother. Unfortunately, the documentation on her is limited. However, while creating our family tree a few years ago, at which time both my parents were still alive, I elicited the following information.

Ada Thirkle was born in London on 17th April, 1890. Her birth certificate, if it ever existed, is long gone. On 27th April, 1923, she gave birth to my mother. The birth was out of wedlock – a big deal in 1923. All we know of the father is that he was older than her, possibly married, that he was a nice man who periodically popped by to deliver gifts and suchlike and who, while my mother was still an infant, went “off to sea” and never returned.

Given the circumstances and time-scale, it is reasonable to assume Ada did not make a will mentioning him – and that he is long dead.

Ada then went “into service” while maintaining my mother. In 1933, Ada met and married Arthur Roberts (born c1880). The marriage certificate has also been lost. On 9th September, 1944, my mother met and married my father.

Just before the wedding, Arthur Roberts legally adopted her in order that she be “legitimised” for the wedding. Arthur died in 1948 (again I have no death certificate, but if he were still alive, he would be around 124 years old by now).

When Arthur died, Ada (who now lived in a rented semi in Watford) took in lodgers. I and my parents used to visit her in the school holidays. But by the early ’70s, Ada, now in her eighties, was finding running a house full of lodgers a little taxing and so gave up the house and moved in with my parents.

She instructed them that when she died, they were to inherit her estate. But since the value of the estate (clothes and nick-nacks) would have been worth less than the cost of making a will…

On 8th of March, 1980, she died. Unfortunately, her death certificate has gone the way of all her other documents, but I do have a certificate of interment from Ipswich Lawn Cemetery (copy included) which is at least suggestive.

After Ada and my parents, my trail of inheritance follows policy number [number]. Although the insured amount is tiny (£13.70p) and the premiums pennies, since they were paid from the policy’s inception on 17th June, 1935 until 12th June, 1989 – allowing for compound interest, the benefits from this policy ought to be in six figures by now. I would appreciate it if you would pay them into my bank, the details…”

The sum was in fact some £600, which was paid promptly, without quibble – and I’ll bet The Pru has FRAMED my letter!

Damien on… Brits And Japs

How come the word “Brit” – short for British person – is okay, whilst “Jap” – short for Japanese person – is considered offensive?

Even the mighty WordPress Spellchecker accepts Brit, but rejects Jap (then again, it rejects “WordPress” as well).

Damien on… Les Dawson

Unless you’re a Brit who, like me, is well-stricken in years – this will mean NOTHING to you. But here it is…

Last night – and I SWEAR this is true – I had a DREAM, where I was watching TV and an announcer came on and in sombre voice, announced the death of a Les Dawson tribute actor called “Less Dawson” – suicide was suspected.

DAMN! I’m writing better stuff in my SLEEP than I am whilst awake!

Damien on… Useless Free Offers

I SWEAR I’m not making this up – a famous American company advertised the following…

“Buy four M***** shock absorbers and get one FREE!”

Get one free???

What are you supposed to DO with it? Make a freakin’ POGO-STICK?

Damien on… California

Curiously, I can claim to have grown up in California. On Sixties maps of Ipswich, England – right across the area I lived in – the word “California” was printed.

Yet in all my years there, I never heard ANYONE refer to the area as California. There were no roads, streets or pubs named California. In fact NOTHING to justify the name hanging over my head for the whole of my formative years.

But today, I’m talking about the FAMOUS California. The one on the West Coast of The Colonies. The one where Hollywood is. The one which considers itself to be the Foremost Civilization On The Planet. The one where everything appears FIRST.

Which is unfortunate, since most new phenomena are BULLSHIT. Oh yes, it was California that gave us Political Correctness, Counselling, nutty fringe religions, serial killers, absurd glossy soaps and some SERIOUSLY naff “music”. They probably gave us Herpes as well.

Of course, we’ve gotten some small revenge. Like the ex-pat Brit who drives around Bel-Air with the personalised plate that says “BOLLOCKS” – he told the D.M.V. they were flowers (oh no they’re not!) And “Chief O’Brien” managed to sneak the word past the po-faced TV censors on “Star Trek”. We’ve even managed to slip bleep words into Oscar acceptance speeches, broadcast to a BILLION people, that the guy with the fifteen-second tape-delay didn’t understand. Tee-hee.

And we get away with all of it, because the Californians think we have CLASS (of course, compared to them, we DO).

Then there’s the entrepreneur who recently began importing Minis into the state. Because of its weather patterns and hills, it has more problems with air pollution than anywhere - thus its emission regulations are the most RIGID. WAY too rigid for the boys at Leyland, who stopped exporting them there in the mid-Sixties.

But California LIKES Minis. It likes ALL classic cars - thus it excludes cars over 25 years old from the emission regs. But sadly, Minis aren’t the best-built cars in the World and are generally rusting and falling apart long before they reach their quarter-century. If you want a Mini, the ones to buy are those made in the NINETIES.

So this chap started importing clean, Nineties, left-hand-drive Minis and 25-year-old-plus, clapped out ones – and simply swapped the VIN (Vehicle Identification Number) plates over. When challenged (even Californians can tell a Nineties Mini from a Seventies one) he explained the cars had been HEAVILY restored, using ALL of the parts from a modern one. The only original part was the VIN plate.

And despite his story being absurd (like a man in jail claiming he is FREE and everyone ELSE is behind bars) the authorities BOUGHT it!

But when it comes to SERIOUS absurdity, there’s no stopping the Californians. Like the fact it’s a BLUE state – which includes the Gay Capital Of The World, San Francisco – and yet they voted DOWN same-sex marriage. AND they produced Miss California, who ALSO declared HER opposition. Of course, that was only her opinion – to which she is entitled.

And the fact that this chronicler considers her to be an air-headed bimbo with ghastly fake tits and a chin like Desperate Dan is only HIS opinion – to which HE is entitled.

Then again, having elected The Terminator as their governor – and given the fact he wants to legalize hash – perhaps there’s hope for California yet!

Damien on… Religious Tolerance

These days, many people call for more religious tolerance. I believe we have too MUCH. Allow me to elucidate…

If a doctor or psychiatrist has an affair with a patient, we frown on it. Likewise, if a teacher or lecturer has a tryst with a student. Why? Because we rely on these professionals to care for us – sometimes, when we are particularly vulnerable.

In times past, a medic or educator who betrayed that trust was just canned – or struck off. These days, even if the other person is “of age”, they might find themselves in the DOCK.

But given the above, why do we tolerate religious leaders who tell their followers what to wear, eat, drink and THINK – who dictate how citizens must lead their lives – make judgements on people’s sex-lives, sexual orientation and lifestyles – and decisions about issues they are TOTALLY unqualified to speak on – birth-control, health?

Of course, some would say, “But people have free choice. They do not HAVE to listen to these religious nut-jobs.”

Well sure, that’s fine if you’re a WESTERNER. Here, these days, the church has little power. But in many parts of the World, religious leaders are the LAW. There, local people could no sooner go up against THEM than you or I could go up against the ARMY.

Even here, certain extremes are tolerated. The bris is a religious tradition that goes back thousands of years – but it involves the mutilation of eight-day-old babies’ penises. And until very recently, it was not unusual for old men to take brides down to the age of twelve in America’s Deep South. And whilst that practise has now OFFICIALLY been curtailed…

The thing is, a person should be free to believe what they will, based on observation and experience. And a church that teaches people to observe basic humanitarian values is obviously a good thing.

But when an organised religion forces people to behave in a manner that defies reason, it is time for religious tolerance to be put ASIDE.

Damien on… Shaggy Panda Stories

Okay, given giant Pandas are now very rare, they must be worth money, right? So given the Mob now puts money into legitimate enterprises, why don’t they sponsor a mating pair?

They could call them Badabing-bing and Badaboom-boom.

(My name’s Damien – don’t forget to tip your waitress).

Damien on… The Decline (And Fall?) Of The West

Many years ago, this observer predicted that while the gap between the wealth of the “developed” countries and those which were developING”, thanks to “outsourcing”, was narrowing - it would all end in tears.

The reason behind this thinking was that while developing nations would welcome the boost to their living standards, the West would not be so happy when theirs went correspondingly DOWN.

Well, now it appears Your Humble Scribe was right. Britain’s once-proud Pound has crashed 30% in value over the last year, while its companies shuffle papers. And whilst the almighty U.S. dollar has recovered from ITS recent losses, America’s industries are struggling. Even former giants like G.M. are teetering.

And yet, those developing countries that should now have been booming are feeling the pinch as well. It’s no use the Servants beavering away when the Master is SKINT – he can’t PAY them. And it’s no use buying the Master’s house if he can’t pay the rent.

Furthermore, in order to compete, those Servants are working in conditions that would have had Western workers out on strike in the FIFTIES. This reporter has FORGOTTEN what industrial air pollution was like – but people in the developing countries are just finding OUT.

Of course, when the employment barriers came down in Europe, the “new Europeans” from the old Soviet bloc began coursing over to Western Europe to do the jobs Westerners didn’t want to do. But, unlike the Commonwealth immigrants of – again - the Fifties, they soon found things were so bad there, many have now gone BACK.

This has been aided by new industry set up in Eastern Europe, by Western European companies. In effect, the money went one way while the workers passed it, going the other. And now, they’ve done a quick U-turn to follow it.

But while this seer managed to predict much of this – he has NO freakin’ idea where it’s all going next…

Damien on… The Producers

Thanks to Hollywood’s unions, actors – and particularly writers – now have far more creative control over their work than in times past. And as a writer m’self, I obviously applaud that trend.

However, it does make the opening credits of most US TV shows look RIDICULOUS. You get a Producer. Then two more Producers. Then three Executive Producers. Then a Line Producer, a Consulting Producer, a Supervising Producer, a Series Producer and various Co-Producers. And finally an “Executive In Charge Of Production” – isn’t that just another bloody PRODUCER???

I once counted FIFTEEN of the buggers. By the time they’d all been credited, there was hardly any time left for the friggin’ PROGRAMME!

Damien on… Pee-Wee Herman

A recent showing of “Separate Tables” on TV, coupled with a report of a Police Chief who was nailed for performing an intimate act in his car, reminded me of an incident which I observed, many years ago.

I was seated in a cinema, watching an afternoon screening of “It’s All Happening”, when another drama played itself out in front of me.

There were only a handful of people in the audience. I was sitting in the middle, about fifteen rows back from the screen with no-one in front of me, until a couple of young women seated themselves about six rows down.

They’d been there for a while, when a middle-aged man came down and sat only two seats away, in the same row.

After a few minutes, the two young women got up and left.

And after a few more minutes, another man walked down the aisle, sidled along the row and spoke briefly to the first man. After which, he got up and left with the second man.

The whole thing was surreal, since at no time had voices been raised, thus with the sound from the movie having drowned out all conver- sations and with the cast of this episode having appeared to me in silhouette - from my point of view, the entire tableau had been played out like a silent movie.

At this juncture, I would LOVE to write, “…and that man was Pee-Wee Herman!”

But since the incident happened in England in 1963 - and like me, Paul Reubens was only 11 at the time (he was born just 10 days before me) – it would have been highly unlikely!

Damien on… Sixties Pop Record Fades

Perhaps it’s just me, but I occasionally find myself wondering if somewhere – perhaps in Another Place – there are ancient, dusty, cobwebbed recording studios where now-VERY old musicians and singers are still playing those damn riffs over and over and over…

“…move over darling……move over darling……move over darling…”

It IS just me, isn’t it?

Damien on… Swine ‘Flu

SARS, Bird ‘Flu – now it’s Swine ‘Flu. When this last made its debut, like many I suspect, I checked out what was known on the Interweb.

After all, in 1918 (thanks to Woody Wilson) Swine ‘Flu killed up to a hundred million people, world-wide (see “The World’s Greatest Mass-Murderer”, near the bottom of this column). So, something to take seriously, then – except no-one seems to know ANYTHING.

Some say it can’t be caught by eating pork, while others say it can.

Some say you can protect yourself by wearing masks (here in Thailand, in a typical knee-jerk reaction, the government have ordered all taxi-drivers to wear them) while others say they’re almost useless.

Some say we have vaccines that’ll cope with it, while others say mutations will render the vaccines ineffective.

And some say it’s a mild strain anyway, while others say it’s virulent.

So where does all this leave us? Well, I’ve come up with a SOLUTION and here it is: DON’T ACCEPT A BACON SANDWICH FROM ANYONE WEARING A SOMBRERO.

Glad to help.

Damien on… The Day My Mum Died

Having retired to Thailand with my wife and mother, when Mum finally succumbed, we had to do things Thai-style. The first thing we did was go to the local hospital. They said if she was DEAD, there was little they could do. And since she was a foreigner, we’d have to report to the POLICE – a prospect that filled me with inertia.

But figuring we’d better get it over with, we turned up at the local cop-shop - however, since it was only around 06:00, there was just the one guy manning the desk. He said to come back after eight.

We did. And to be fair to them, they were okay. Long story short, six cops (thanks to over-manning, EVERYBODY has a job here – they just don’t get PAID much) turned up with a Police Doctor. Soon our house resembled a scene from “C.S.I.” with cops taking pictures – even my Mum’s finger-prints.

After satisfying themselves foul play was not involved, they went off to check out a stiff who’d been found dangling from a ROPE.

Then we went through hours of bureaucracy (its endemic, here) and finally managed to find a mortuary. In America, their coffins look like their CARS – and cost thousands. Here, a standard coffin costs around £50 (about $80) however for the poor, they do plywood coffins for £20 ($32).

Since it would be ash before the day was out and there was only me and my Lady (Mum’s friends were as old as she and lived half-way around the World) and Mum was now past caring, we decided on this option. So eventually two guys from the mortuary, dressed in jeans and tee-shirts, arrived at our house.

In Thailand, it’s considered unlucky for coffins to enter houses (they don’t even like SHOES) so they parked it on the veranda, in full view of the street, came inside, wrapped Mum in the sheet she was lying on, carried her through the house and unceremoniously plonked her into the box.

At this point, I didn’t know whether to cry or LAUGH. I suspect if Mum’s spirit was watching, she was doing the latter.

She probably guffawed when the monk who ran the crematorium insisted on the money for the fuel up front. Do people REALLY run off without paying?

And she must have cracked UP when the man hit the “go” button on the oven and out of nowhere, there was a CRASH of thunder and it began raining with BIBLICAL intensity.

It was like God was trying to put the fire out.

But he couldn’t. There was a porch over the unit. She was ash within the hour.

Well actually, that’s not strictly accurate. In England, they GRIND UP the remains into ash. But here in Thailand, you get what comes out of the oven. Including bits of charred BONE. Very macabre.

But there was one bizarre moment – in amongst the remains were what looked like a pair of DOOR-KNOCKERS. The monk presented them to me with a look of puzzlement. His look mirrored my own – until I remembered Mum had had artificial hips fitted some years earlier. I told my wife – who’s Thai – and she told him. “Oh,” turns out to be the same word in Thai.

I later posted some of the finer white powder to a friend back in Blighty, so he could strew it in the same arboretum as we had strewn Dad’s ashes, two years earlier (my friend lived conveniently near by). I included a letter to UK Customs, explaining what the white powder WAS.

I recall a tale of thieves who broke into a flat in England and while there, inhaled some white powder from a jar on the mantelpiece marked “Charlie” – which was the occupant’s late DOG. My Mums ashes were just as innocuous, but I didn’t want my friend to be JAILED while the lab tested them.

Altogether then, a bizarre day, but when you’re a Stranger In A Strange Land, it’s best to go with the flow. And while Dad’s do in England had set us back a grand ($1,500) Mum got converted to ash for less than a ton ($150).

Incidentally, Mum passed within hours of Mr Ray Charles. So if I’m wrong and there IS Another Place – and it’s reachable by bus – let’s hope Ray wasn’t driving.

Damien on… The Trouble With Democracy

I’ve been all OVER Western Europe and the most beautiful countries by far are Switzerland and Austria. However, whilst Switzerland is GEOGRAPHICALLY European (for American readers, it’s right in the MIDDLE) it distances itself from the whole mess, so I’ll not dwell on it.

Austria, on the other hand, is firmly aligned with the rest of Western Europe. But Western Europe has not always been so fond of Austria – mainly due to its politics. Figures like Jorg Haider and Wolfgang Schussel were somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan. Compared to them, Pat Buchanan is a Liberal.

Watching ”The Sound Of Music”, one could be forgiven for assuming the people of Austria were AGAINST the Anschluss (the annexation of Austria by Germany, just prior to WW2) but in a people’s refer- endum carried out just after, Austrians’ approval for Germany’s action registered 99.73%.

Which is not surprising, given Adolph Hitler was Austrian. Of course, since that time, Austria has reformed, right? Well, when Jorg and Wolfgang were in power, Europe apparently didn’t think so – they almost threw Austria OUT of Europe.

When I travelled through the country, I encountered their Police. With their fair locks flowing out of their peaked caps, they struck poses and strutted their stuff – moving only to try and screw money from hapless tourists. I swear one even goose-stepped. I’m saying no more.

Meanwhile, France has seen its share of extreme right-wing lunacy too. Jean-Marie Le Pen fought several presidential elections – one time, almost WINNING. She makes Buchanan look like a COMMUNIST. (What? Jean-Marie is a MAN? Oh – that must be his camp name).

Anyhoo, m’point is that Democracy is SUPPOSED to work, because The People get to say who rules them. And the assumption is that extreme right- and left-wing parties will never get NEARLY enough popular votes to attain any actual POWER.

Well, so far they haven’t. But it’s been a damn close thing…

Damien on… The Century Of Entertainment

…is OVER. Allow me to elaborate.

A century ago, if you lived out of town, your sources of entertain- ment were few. And the QUANTITY, minuscule. Maybe a few hours a year. The annual visit from the circus, an occasional travelling fair, perhaps a strolling theatrical company.

And before that, wandering minstrels, bare-knuckle boxing, bear- baiting, witch-hunting and public hangings.

Even townees faired little better – although if you were rich, you could add Opera, Shakespeare, Classical Music concerts, Tennis and Cricket.

But thanks to those clever Victorians, technology was just about to change all that. First came Music Hall (in The States, Burlesque) then around the turn of the twentieth century – narrative cinema. Twenty years on – radio. Then electronics revolutionised everything. By the Thirties, even those on modest income could enjoy most of the media which exist NOW.

Pop music, records, movies, discotheques (alright – dance halls) and even – in London – the fledgeling television. But that’s where the problem STARTED.

The population went from enjoying a few hours entertainment a year, to being DELUGED with the stuff. Written/spoken words, tunes, images, tricks, stunts, juggling elephants – you name it.

But now, it’s all been DONE. We’ve USED IT UP.

Variety died around 1960. Pop music and its co-dependent Radio, around 1990. TV ran out of new ideas a few years ago – and now even the cinema has little to offer outside of prequels, sequels, remakes, spin-offs, no-brainer-actioners and effects-movies.

Oh, The Business will keep churning out SOMETHING – but if you seek ORIGINALITY – FORGET it.

(Incidentally, if you’re young, this piece doesn’t really apply to you. Your “style gurus” will tell you any bimbo who can hold a tune is a “Pop Diva”. While “pop pundits” will convince you groups of models singing to lame, studio-produced covers of REAL hits are the next Beatles. And you’ll BELIEVE it – because you weren’t BORN when The Century Of Entertainment was happening!)

Damien on… Emperor Penguins

We’ve all seen those films of the lives of the Emperor Penguins (if I come back as an animal, PLEASE let it not be one of THOSE) but some questions are never answered. Like, given their appearance is identical, what criteria do they look for in a partner?

And if they all look the same, when they return to the flock (herd?) how the hell do they FIND that partner? Smell? Hardly – we smell of what we eat. And what do penguins eat? “What do you fancy for dinner tonight, Darling?” “Oh, I thought I’d go with the fish.”

Damien on… Euphemisms – Or Not

In a restaurant the other evening, I saw a woman get up from a table and head for the toilet, having announced to her friends that she was going to powder her nose. I think it was Amy Winehouse.

(I’m here all week – don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Damien on… “The Game”

Like me, you probably saw the usually urbane Jon Stewart almost LOSE it, in his epic encounter with Jim Cramer on The Daily Show. The reason? The fact that Jim and his type treat high finance as a GAME.

But that is how it is. World leaders, politicians, major bureaucrats, corporate movers and shakers, military brass and people of their ilk control our lives – and frequently our DEATHS – but to them, it’s ALL a Game.

And not only do they control the destinies of millions – they also control the BILLIONS of dollars, pounds, euros, zlotys. And therein lies the problem. If they stopped to think of the ENORMITY of their responsibility – it’d do their heads in.

So in order to enable them to function, they turn the whole thing into a bloody GAME. And it IS a bloody Game. Every time one of those megalomaniacs signs a piece of paper, they will indirectly cause people to DIE.

Little wonder Joe Stalin said, “One death is a tragedy – a million are a statistic.” He UNDERSTOOD what he was doing. The rest hide behind The Game.

And as with any Game, there are Rules. Like, in politics, you never “out” the opposition – reveal how REALLY corrupt they are – next time, it’ll be YOUR turn. In England, an MP can be THROWN OUT of The House for calling another MP a LIAR (it’s called “using un-parliamentary language”).

Then, what about just ONE of those bunch of people with several billions giving a few to CHARITY? Oh no. That money is what FUELS The Game. Those billions can NEVER be SPENT – thus they serve as POINTS (The Players must really HATE Bill Gates).

The Game stretches from the guy behind the desk at the Welfare bureau – it’s not HIS money he’s giving away, so why should he care? Because by giving you money, he loses Points – up to the oil sheik who runs a fleet of Rolls Royces, while outside his marble compound, people are starving to death.

And there are no lengths The Players won’t go to, in order to establish other Players. America funds dictators – going so far as to oust democratically elected leaders, in order to install them. The citizens in those countries who DIE – are “collateral damage”.

They’ll also supply the TOOLS for keeping The Game going – bombs, tanks, etc., But when a Player goes rogue - like Saddam – they’ll take them back. If they can FIND them. And if one goes TOO far and becomes an embarrassment – like Marcos – they’ll be thrown to the wolves.

But provided Players stick to the rules, the other Players care not WHAT carnage they wreak. And young, gullible men die in their MILLIONS, to wreak it (see “The War” – elsewhere in these chronicles).

So what can you do? Well, as far as the Big Game is concerned, very little. But where the SMALL Game is concerned – you can SUBVERT it. Identify the Players and massage them. Like, when your bank tries to rip you off, use lateral thinking and manipulation. Y’know – CHEAT.

You won’t beat the system – it’s older and stronger than YOU. Go head-to-head with it and it’ll BREAK you. So side-step it. Identify its weaknesses – that’s usually the PEOPLE (you can’t finesse a computer) – and Play to them. Call-centres are easy.

Their Players are low-level amateurs. Open with small-talk. Find out what town they’re in. If it’s IN your country, tell them you drove through it once and it looked nice. If they’re in a foreign country, tell them you’ve always wanted to go there. Then having established a rapport – ask them for their HELP (it works every time).

You may not stop a WAR – but you can save yourself paying a $50 “fine” for being overdrawn. Baby steps…

Damien on… Widescreen TV

Most new tellies these days are 16:9. However, many broadcasts (and people’s old tapes) are still in 4:3. This leaves you with a SMALL picture with a lot of black on each side.

But the manufacturers have a solution to this niggle. It’s a button which, when pressed, leaves the MIDDLE of the picture in its original ratio, while STRETCHING the SIDES.

And they call this function “expand”. Or “zoom”. Or “wide”. Or any NUMBER of other things. You see my problem. I wish they’d all agree on ONE word to describe this function. Why don’t they use MINE?

“BANANARAMA”.

Damien on… Oxymoronic Politics

Living in Thailand, as a stranger in a strange land, I find it prudent to stay OUT of local politics, but I couldn’t let THIS one pass without comment…

Apparently, there’s now a party here calling itself the Democratic Alliance Against Democracy. WHAT???! That’s like “Gays Against Homosexuality” isn’t it?

I guess now it’s official – the lunatics ARE running the asylum.

Damien on… Microwaves

So I bought this pizza. Now I like pizzas, but I’m not crazy about one of their main ingredients – tomatoes. Anyhay, the pizza was micro- wavable, so after pricking the cellophane, I bunged it in the nuker.

And after a bit… KA-BOOM!!!

It turned out the manufacturer had decided – for those who like even MORE tomato – to put a plastic SACHET of tomato sauce in with the pizza. Unfortunately, since the instructions were in Thai, I had been UNAWARE of this. Which would still have been okay – if they had put it ON TOP of the pizza – not hidden it UNDERNEATH.

Fortunately, the explosion had not been sufficient to take the DOOR off – but m’nuker now looks like a miniature Shakespearean company has played the last act of HAMLET in it!

Damien on… The Trouble With Initials

Corporations love initials. They enable them to imprint themselves onto the public consciousness – but they have their drawbacks.

F’rinstance, while three initials would seem to offer an infinite amount of possibilities (well, 17,576 anyway) once you take into account the popularity of different letters they reduce dramatically.

And some combinations get downright over-used – the ubiquitous ABC, for example. American Broadcasting Company, Associated British Cinemas, Andover Bowling Club, Austrian Boxing Commission, Aniseed Ball Corporation (okay, I’m making them up now – but Google ABC and the entries’ll be in the millions).

The problem prompted the Dutch national airline to come up with KLM. Which doesn’t stand for ANYTHING. No, they hadn’t been smoking that stuff again – it was merely a ploy. K, L and M are consecutive in the alphabet – thus role off the tongue easily – and it was figured no-one else would use ‘em.

Of course, Pan-American Airlines originally went with PAA, but when they discovered that people were colloquially referring to them as “Pan-Am” - they sensibly cashed in on it.

BA (just TWO initials) is British Airways – The World’s Least Favourite Airline - and was originally two companies: BEA (British and European Airways) and BOAC (British and Overseas Air Corporation) – which brings into focus the idea of using FOUR initials.

But as soon as you go with FOUR, people INEVITABLY try and turn them into acronyms. Which with BOAC doesn’t WORK (bow-ack?) and with others can be embarrassing. Take the U.S. government.

Having unintentionally WON the Cold War (see elsewhere in these ramblings) they needed a new Evil Empire and unwisely chose the Middle East - which blew up in their faces on 11/09/01 (9/11)

Their reaction was to retaliate, but realising they had bitten off more than they could chew, they went looking for help. They could hardly call their argument The West’s War Against Islamic Fundamentalism, so their spin-doctors came up with The War Against Terrorism.

Unfortunately, they hadn’t thought it through, ’cause TWAT is a coarse word for a lady’s naughty bits – so they hastily modified it to The War On Terrorism (even though TWOT is a “soft” version of the afore-mentioned).

Thus it can be seen that not only are four initials harder to recall than three, but they can also jump up and bite you in the arse. Just ask my friend – Steven Harold Ian Thompson.

Damien on… The Police

The justice enforcement concept, not the ’70s pop group.

Although one does wonder why Sting and his chums CHOSE that name? I know their drummer’s Dad had headed the CIA, but still. I recall a campaign of graffiti on the North London Line, which consisted simply of the words “The Police” being daubed all over.

And since this was over a year before the budding London super- group went national, let alone international, it CONFUSED those who weren’t into the London club scene. I mean – the police WHAT? If the sprayings had read “F*** The Police” it would have been mundane.

Anyhoo, this piece concerns the OTHER Police – “At night the super- human crew arrest everyone who knows more than they do” (Bob Dylan, I think). THOSE guys.

My alter-ego, Morpheus has already written about the American inJustice System (see “Morpheus on… Cops With Guns” in “The World According To Morpheus” – click onto it in the bogroll, on the top right of this column – after you’ve finished THIS!) so I will limit myself to their counterparts in Britain and here in Thailand.

British cops are as rubbish as their brothers across the water. They spend most of their time cruising around in cars, pestering motorists. And about the only time they get OUT of them is to kick down the door of someone using recreational drugs.

They used to patrol the streets on foot, wearing their “tall hats”. These were particularly useful as they added height to those who’d only just made the limit. And they were unarmed. They maintained that the funny hats and lack of guns enabled them to maintain the respect of the public.

Sadly those days are now long gone. The tall hats have been replaced by peaked caps – meaning now, they are indistinguishable from traffic wardens, theatre commissionaires and chauffeurs. And a lot of them now carry GUNS.

This last is particularly unfortunate, since, like Yank cops, they have no IDEA when and when NOT to use them. Cases in point: a while back, there was the luckless Brazilian plumber (see other article) but he was nothing new. Back around 1970 a couple in a Mini, returning home from a movie – suddenly found themselves IN one. Right there in central London, in a scene like the climax of “Bonnie And Clyde”, they were surrounded by a bunch of cops who started blazing away into their car.

And just like with the Brazilian plumber – they had the wrong car.

It was only thanks to the incompetent marksmanship of these clowns that the couple survived the assault. It was all hushed up, of course. The couple received undisclosed damages – but no doubt their nightmares persist…

In addition to the increase in gun-play, another worrying trend in British inJustice is the new, modified “caution”.  When I was a kid, it bemused me when, on TV, a cop would get up into the witness box and solemnly read out something like, “I apprehended the accused with the goat and the equipment. He was naked and…(etc.) I asked him to explain his  actions… HE MADE NO REPLY.”

I always used to think, “Well surely, given the circumstances, he must have said SOMETHING.”

But of course, as a ten-year-old, I was unfamiliar with the “caution”, which goes, “You are not obliged to say anything, but I must warn you that anything you do say may be taken down and used as evidence against you.” The reply, “Your trousers!” is frowned upon.

And at that tender age, I also didn’t appreciate the importance of the BASIC PRINCIPLE of every citizen’s right to allow the cops to make their case without help from an over-emotional blabbermouth who has been caught with HIS trousers down – so to speak.

But again, sadly THOSE days have gone as well. Now the “caution” has a rider, which goes – “…but I must warn you that it may harm your defence if you fail to mention something now, which you may later rely on as evidence in court.”

Personally, I would say, “I have nothing to say at this time without legal representation, as anything I might say could be taken out of context and used by the police to harm my defence.” So THERE!

Which brings us to the Thai cops – the best police money can buy! I LIKE the Thai cops. They stay out of your hair – and if you do fall foul of the law, provided you don’t disrespect them and slide a little “tea money” their way – SMALL indiscretions can usually be forgotten.

In fact, in an attempt to cut DOWN the “tea money” the underpaid upholders of the law were demanding, the government passed a law ALLOWING them to keep a percentage of legitimate spot-fines, LEGALLY. It is put into the bank and shared out amongst the officers at the station, once a year – just before New Year.

However in a large station, this can amount to serious money. Which lead to a case last New Year, where an officer was sent to the bank to pick up the year’s tea money and bring it back to the station, for divvying up. He picked up the money alright – but that was the last anybody saw or heard of him!

This story was reported on a local ex-pat website – and some wag remarked, “Things have come to a pretty poor point when even the POLICE can’t trust the police!”

Damien on… "Down With Disco"

Back in the early Eighties, I heard about a rally being held in an American stadium, under the banner “Down With Disco”.

Now, given that by then, Disco WAS a bit blase, I assumed it was a jokey event being held for people who had become BORED by its monotonous beat and camp dancing styles. But in a STADIUM?!

Well, it turned out that the rally-ers (there IS no word for those who rally – I checked) were in fact a bunch of right-wing arseholes who hated Disco because they saw it as a culture that promoted faggotts and fornication (their words – not mine).

And a while back I wrote about this to a friend and posed the question – where was Bin-Liner when we’d NEEDED him? One big bomb and several hundred thousand bigoted, pencil-necked oxygen-thieves would have discovered their Next World doesn’t EXIST.

Damien on… Video Piracy

Video piracy is GOOD for America in general and Hollywood in particular.

Now before you decide I’ve COMPLETELY lost my mind – let’s consider the facts. The industry claims it loses x billion dollars every year to piracy. But where do they get those figures? The only PRACTICAL source would have to be based on the number of pirate DVDs they estimate are made and sold – multiplied by the amount of revenue they would obtain from LEGITIMATE sales of that number of units.

Which is of course bollocks.

Let’s take an example. A man on limited means, living in England, has a DVD-player - which these days only cost around £25 ($40) – and has a collection of, say 200 DVDs. All pirate copies he’s obtained from an East European woman, who regularly hangs around the local market with a suitcase full of them. She charges £2 each.

But if he had had to purchase them from a legitimate shop, they’d have cost him over £20 ($32) each. So had that been the case, how many would he have bought? 200? Of course not. He has little money. At THAT price, he would only have got the DVDs he wanted BADLY – say, 20.

Thus, the REAL loss to the industry in HIS case – would be less than a TENTH of the industry’s claim.

And his story is typical of MILLIONS of people, World-wide.

The fact is that physically, DVDs are now cheap to make. Even with proper full-colour labels, inlay sheets – with HOLOGRAMS – they only cost around 60p ($1) a pop to produce. But they sell legitimately for anywhere between (in England, where people moan, but do nothing) £25 (still $40 – same price as the PLAYER) through (in America, where people DON’T allow themselves to be ripped off) £12 ($20) to (in Thailand, where the cost of living is one-fifth of that in the West) £4 ($7).

In short, whatever the corporations figure they can GET for them. (If you believed that “regional coding” ACTUALLY had anything to DO with “release dates”…)

Of course, they would claim that the much higher prices in the West are FAIR, since the richer countries can afford to SUBSIDISE the poorer ones. Which might hold water, were it not for the fact that DVDs cost twice as much in Britain as they do in The States. Are they seriously suggesting that British people are twice as wealthy as Americans?

Okay, so the industry is corrupt. But let us return to my original premise – that the piracy is good for Hollywood in particular and America in general. For the industry, these DVDs are “free samples”. They PUBLICISE the products. Your poor man in England will still go to the cinema to watch Hollywood blockbusters, thus generating revenue for said industry.

And as for America, it is a fact that the U.S. government have, for decades, encouraged the TV industry to syndicate their products, as cheaply as possible, to every nation that will take them. Why? Because it PROMOTES America to the World. Maybe Ali Ben-Bomber is less likely to do bad things to America, if he wants to see whether Rachel will get back together with Ross.

But less dramatically, the general American way of life, with its toys and goodies, will seem a lot more attractive to the World if they can see Americans as HUMAN – rather than just swaggering Empire-builders. The World will be more SYMPATHETIC to her. And after eight years of The Monkey, America now needs THAT more than EVER.

Damien on… Bureaucracy

Bureaucrats are self-serving termites who eat away the sanity of our society. They’ll never use one form when ten will do. Their sole reason d’etre is to EXPAND. No head bureaucrat will ever SIMPLIFY the system they work in. The more little bureaucrats you have, filling in their little forms and stamping their little rubber stamps – the more POWER you have.

As you may have guessed, I have to visit the Consulate next week to get my visa extended.

But it has always been so. Two thousand years ago, a guy called Joseph had to take his heavily pregnant wife to the nearest big town to fill in a census form (they had no postal service in Bethlehem, two millennia ago). But of course, when he got there, the hotels were all full – hotels are always booked up at Christmas (thanks, Johnny) – so he and his wife ended up having to crash in a stable, where she ended up giving birth.

This would have been bad enough, but you have to pity poor old Joe. I mean, two thousand years on, he’s the most famous cuckolded man in history. Every year, millions of ten-year-old kids in bad beards go through the routine of glamorising the poor man’s plight.

According to history, his wife was a virgin – who gave birth to his son without any intervention by him.

What does that say about his MANHOOD? Catholics all over the World practically DEIFY his wife, without a thought for poor old Joe. I say it’s time we gave this man his due. His son may have turned out to be a drama queen whose teachings ended up causing more death and misery than Hitler, but that was hardly his fault.

And… what? Oh, yes. Bureaucrats. Sorry, I do tend to wander at times. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that these excrescences have been around a long time – and until we rise up and tell them what to DO with their little forms and little rubber stamps, they’ll CONTINUE their millennia-old practise of being a thorough-going PAIN IN THE ARSE.

Damien on… The Truth About JFK's Assassination

So now the truth CAN finally be told. Lee Harvey Oswald was NOT just a feeble-minded citizen with poor gun skills who got lucky – or had help. He was in fact an agent, sent from the future by the Historical Corrections Project, to right a major wrong.

If you have not heard, the story is this; in 2074, time travel will finally be perfected and the HCP will send one of their top agents back to 1962, to fulfil a mission from which he will not return.

You see, in Lee’s time-line, JFK carries on PAST that book depository in Dallas, eventually dying from a heart-attack, in 1981. But he is one of the lucky few to MAKE it that far - 90% of the World’s population having perished in WW3 – a nuclear holocaust that was STARTED by him, following the Warsaw Pact countries’ invasion of Czechoslovakia, during the last months of his presidency.

Still stinging over the Cuba affair – where JFK had played “chicken” with them - THIS time, they had refused to back down.

Lee’s mission was simple; create a false identity, become a crack-shot with the primitive weapons of the time and nail JFK, before his posturings would go on to trigger the Final Holocaust. It was ironic that Jack Ruby never knew he’d gunned down the man responsible for SAVING more lives than any man in history.

Oh and the Grassy Knoll? It was just a green VW Beetle with back-fire.

How do I know all this? Well, I don’t. I made it up. But it STILL makes more sense than the story of The Lone Gunman…

Damien on… The British

Elsewhere in these columns, I’ve not been entirely complimentary about Americans. Okay, I was Yank-bashing (it’s the fashion these days) but I have American readers, so I decided the time was ripe to pass comment on MY people – The British.

The British are wonderful people. Warm, cuddly and perfect in every way… hell, even I’M not buying this. They’re apathetic, violent, narrow-minded, small-minded and BLOODY-minded. Their only saving grace is their sense of humour – which is the best in the World.

Trouble is, they NEED it! Since for decades, they’ve been “tail-end- Charlie” in Europe. Choose any statistic affecting the quality of life and Britain lies at the BOTTOM. Housing, employment, transport, education, health, teen-pregnancy, finance, freedom, privacy and green issues (for instance Switzerland, a small, LAND-LOCKED country, has more clean beaches than Britain – a large ISLAND!)

How do I stand it? I don’t. I retired to Thailand – and consider myself an honorary Thai!

Damien on… Antarcticans

I have known, in the Biblical sense, over one hundred ladies in my time. And t’other day, this got me thinking – had I bonked my way around the World? Sadly, no. There are some TWO HUNDRED countries – and I can only claim about twenty of them.

Okay, what about CONTINENTS, then? No, AGAIN! Bloody ANTARCTICA is a continent – but one without countries. Various treaties have created a land where nationality doesn’t exist.

By international agreement, this forbidding land can only be used for peaceful scientific research. And whilst a handful of women HAVE given birth in the research stations, I understand the offsprings’ legal nationality is that of the country owning the stations concerned. DAMN!

However, MORALLY, these babies ARE ANTARCTICANS. And I believe some of them are “of age”, now! Which begs the question, have any of them married – or been nailed by – people who have “known” people from the other six continents?

If so, their partner is a member of a VERY exclusive club…

Damien on… Guy Fawkes v. Halloween

Back in the Sixties, as a British child, every 5th of November, I would celebrate Guy Fawkes Night. This involved a bonfire and FIREWORKS.

Unbeknown to me then, a few days earlier, American kids had celebrated Halloween, which involves dressing up in spooky fancy dress (Goths just wear their regular clothes) and going from door to door begging for sweets (Trick Or Treat).

But these days, in Britain, Guy Fawkes Night has virtually given WAY to Halloween, which Brit-kids think is COOLER, ’cause it’s AMERICAN. This despite the fact Halloween originated in Britain, but, like other non-Christian rituals, was suppressed by the Church.

And this works FINE for the British Government. For decades, they tried to suppress Guy Fawkes Night, due – THEY claimed – to the amount of injuries sustained by kids from the bonfires and fireworks.

However, given that Halloween involves kids ASKING strangers for sweets… are they REALLY any safer?

Or does the British government simply prefer Brit-kids to salute ghoulies and ghosties – and SCREW the Church - rather than celebrate a dashing TERRORIST who ALMOST succeeded in BLOWING UP PARLIAMENT - which would have KILLED many of their number?

YOU decide.

Damien on… The War Effect

Back in the Sixties, the trolley dollies – or flight attendants as they are now known – who flew with the young troops going to and from Vietnam remarked upon the difference in behaviour of those going into combat - and those returning from it.

On the way out, there was much gung-ho posturing, laughter and general high spirits.

But on the way back, there was – silence.

Damien on… Reincarnation

Reincarnation is bollocks.

How can I be so sure? Because if at least SOME of us had lived before, the human population would not CONTINUE to make the same STUPID mistakes – over and over and OVER again!

Schools wouldn’t exist, ’cause we’d KNOW everything.

The divorce rate would be negligible, ’cause we’d know what we were looking for in a life-partner.

Wars would be non-existent, ’cause we’d have learned to get along with each other.

And politicians wouldn’t exist, ’cause we’d know they’re all crooks and nobody would VOTE for them!

Damien on… "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"

I heard there was a deleted scene that goes thusly…

Scene: Quarks bar. A Party is in full swing.

Bashir: “Why so long in the can, Chief? I thought you were only going in for a number one.”

O’Brien: “I was. But I had to wait for the Taranian Ambassador to finish. He was having a number seven.”

Bashir: “What’s a…

O’Brien: “Trust me – you don’t want to know.”

Or maybe I just dreamed it.

Damien on… Going Out For An American

The other day, I was passing a certain popular fast-food outlet, which had a life-size plastic clown seated on a bench outside.

Quickly, while no-one was watching, I got my wife to sit down and pose next to it.

With her head and hands in a certain position, it looked like he had good reason to be smiling.

I took a picture – and there are SO many reasons why I cannot show it to you!

Incidentally, while I’m on this – why DO junk-food joints insist on making their female staff wear mens’ trousers?

Damien on… Progress

Is it just me? Or is it a FACT that since the early Seventies, all FORWARD steps have been giant steps BACKWARD – except with technology.

Let’s look at the facts. In the Seventies, audio-visual equipment was CRAP, by today’s standards. So were cars, telephones,etc. But now we have high-tech digital gear - like TVs featuring umpteen channels, which we can delay and watch at our leisure. And play on giant screens, with multi-channel sound.

We have devices Bond’s “Q-branch” could only have DREAMED of. Mobile phones that work anywhere and take pictures – even low-res video. This computer connects Your Humble Scribe to the WORLD and allows him to instantly look up ANYTHING. Even talk to people via video-phone.

Cars now have voices which tell you where to go – like Kitt. And their “smart” engineering will keep you between the ditches, unless you’re an idiot. And even then, they’ll keep you alive – provided you wear your seatbelt.

And all this stuff is CHEAP. Mass-production has meant that in real terms, these toys cost a FRACTION of what one would have expected, back in The Good Old Days. In My Day, most people RENTED TVs – to buy one would have cost you a month’s wages. And all you got was a flickery 19″ black and white picture, with mono sound.

Whereas today, a tube-TV has a 28″ colour picture with stereo sound and can be had for just TWO DAYS’ wages. For a month’s wages you can get a FIFTY-inch HiDef LCD TV, a Blu-Ray disk player, a Tivo, a DVD-recorder and a 6-channel 250W sound system - and have enough left over for several Blu-Ray HiDef movies.

Whilst a modern CAR has loads of gadgets and yet costs significantly LESS – in real terms – than a ’70s chariot. But this is where it all starts going WRONG. The thing is, despite HUGE leaps in safety, handling and braking capabilities – speed limits are far LOWER than they were in the Seventies.

Then there’s P.C. Originally designed to EASE our load, by eliminating racism, sexism and sexual harassment, its excesses mean we dare not TOUCH another human being – and have to watch every word we say, for fear of falling foul of an “ism”. (For more, see WAY down this strip).

If a man puts his hand on a distressed worker’s shoulder, he gets sacked for sexual harassment. And if a middle-aged man calls a black KID “boy”, he may get KILLED. Thanks to P.C., we now live in a climate of FEAR.

Then there’s Health And Safety. One example. I visited my old workshop teacher, to find he had QUIT teaching. The reason? There are now so many rules governing safety in schools, his job had become impossible. He’s gone back into industry.

I pointed out to him that during the whole five years he’d taught me, there’d been NO accidents in his workshop AT ALL. Precisely, he said. And the cossetting means that when kids enter the real World, they are UNPREPARED for the dangers.

And what about those cars? Every year, the safety standards rise – which results in perfectly good cars being SCRAPPED, because it’s cheaper to buy a new one than pay the exorbitant costs needed to keep an old one on the road. At least – legally.

Plus when you do get behind the wheel, you encounter “pavement widening” – which is another way of saying road NARROWING – the Euston Road, in London, used to have four lanes. Now it’s only got two. The others are reserved for buses. When you SEE one.

Then there’s smoking. Basically, you CAN’T. Those little tubes of joy that the Chancellor hits you for 1000% tax for, are unusable in any building or vehicle. Even your OWN, if it belongs to a company.

Finally, there are the RULES. Every year, “improvements” to our lives result in more and more RULES. Modern society is so REPRESSED, I for one opted OUT – and now live in The Developing World. Hopefully, by the time it catches up with me – I’ll be DEAD.

In short, since the early Seventies, if you overlay a graph showing the improvements in technology with another one showing the Quality Of Life - THEY WILL FORM AN ”X”.

Damien on… Dumb Criminals

Like Jay Leno, I love stories about dumb criminals. My favourite one concerns a suspect brought in for questioning. Now, lie-detectors are about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest - but confessions are almost impossible to wriggle out of.

So the cops sat him in a chair and strapped a metal colander to his head (one of those things you use to drain boiled vegetables). The colander had a wire running from it, to the office COPIER. And in the copier was a piece of paper which had “he’s lying” printed on it.

Then every time the suspect answered a question, the officer solemnly pressed the button on the machine and it spewed out a copy of the piece of paper – “he’s lying”. The perp eventually broke down and confessed!

I like to think that later, a fellow-prisoner would be talking to him, then pause, hold a paper cup to his ear and tell the guy, “Hold on, I’ve got a call coming in.” HAH-HAARRR!

When I first heard this story, I laughed louder than I did when I heard about the guy who kept a sheep tethered on his roof, prior to using it for ritual slaughter. He turned his back on it and it butted him off the roof! HAH-HAARRR AGAIN!!!

You can’t make this stuff up.

Damien on… The American Vice President

Ask politicians and pundits what the job of Vice President Of The United States is and you’ll get a plethora of different answers. But we all know what the REAL job is, don’t we? To be such a total douche-bag that they make the President look GOOD.

And a wander through past examples proves the point. Johnson, who when he inherited the Big Chair, proceeded to ramp up the Vietnam War and pull America into a conflict whose dire ramifications continue to echo, forty years later.

Spiro Agnew. Let’s move on.

Of course, the GREATEST waste-of-space to occupy the position HAS to be the legendary Dan Quayle, whose stupidity was only surpassed by his arrogance. He REVELLED in his own moronitude (that’s a good word).

An exception to the rule was Dead-Eye Dick Cheyney, who even when he SHOT some old fart in the FACE, couldn’t make The MONKEY look good. Actually, the only person who tried was Condo Rice. A black woman, she seemed unaware that the man she was supporting was a REPUBLICAN.

But what of the current incumbent? Well first, let’s be grateful America didn’t take the DISASTROUS step of putting McCain in the White House (granted if the GOP had fielded him in ’00, despite his love of pandering to the military – I’m sorry, but doesn’t having been a P.O.W. make you a LOSER? – he couldn’t have made a bigger nause-up of things than The Monkey) ’cause if they HAD – the current Veep would be Sarah Palin. Calamity Jane on acid.

What IS it with her and Russia? Her fear of the country appears to be based on her conviction she can see the arse-end of it from her kitchen window. Then again, I once knew someone who claimed they could see the Eiffel Tower from their bedroom. Which would have been fine if they hadn’t been living in Detroit at the time.

And if McCain HAD croaked while in office (quite likely) this appalling woman would have ensured that no OTHER woman would occupy the White House in this century.

But thankfully, America voted for Obama (hallelujah) – which puts Joe Biden in the position. And while he fits the traditional pattern – he runs away at the mouth and constantly puts his foot in it – he is also a nice guy. Self-deprecating, honest, hard-working and no fool. All of which describes THIS writer, thus he identifies with Joe – and wishes him LUCK!

Damien on… Women And Animals

Most people think “Disneyfied” animals – ones that TALK – are fantasies for children. Not so. All animals HAVE the power of speech - they simply choose to HIDE it from us. This is so they don’t have to listen to our complaining. If we knew they can understand us, think what a PAIN it would be for them. “My wife doesn’t understand me”, “Do you HAVE to lick that?” etc. Of course, they don’t mind talking in front of drunks and looneys – who’s going to believe THEM?

In much the same way, men CAN IRON. We can also cook (how many of the World’s greatest chefs are WOMEN?) clean, hoover, wash up and do laundry. After all, what ARE these things? Cooking is merely the application of heat to raw materials. And any fool can read the washing instructions on a garment. Who do you think DESIGNED washing machines in the first place? As for hoovers – we can handle MOWERS without taking out the flower-beds.

We can do all these things and more – but that doesn’t mean we WANT to. These activities are monumentally TEDIOUS. So, just like the animals, we CONCEAL our abilities. Women, bless ‘em, fail to notice the sly smiles we men exchange, when they moan to each other about how HOPELESS we are around the house. This minor slur on our manhoods is a small price to pay for keeping women where they BELONG – in the KITCHEN.

(And if THAT doesn’t get me some comments…)

Damien on… Sit-Down Baths

Today, I saw a TV ad for a sit-down bath. So what, you say? Well I’m into the media and it started me thinking. Like, have you noticed how the people in these ads for wrinklies (sit-down baths, stair-lifts, etc.) ALWAYS feature people who are obviously barely out of their fifties, look like they work out and have just had hair powder added to “grey them up” a bit?

It’s like those ads for slimming corsets that feature models who, in the real World, don’t need them – and wouldn’t be seen DEAD in them.

And people on exercise machines who are ALREADY in shape.

I’d love to have been in the studio for the sit-down bath shoot, though.

As the camera operator strives to get it JUST right, the veteran model sits glumly in the COLD water (they’d have bunged up the waste with camera tape and filled it from the nearest tap) and just as his testicles are receding into his body, never to be seen again, the director says, “Got it.”

At which point, the model forgets himself and opens the DOOR, releasing a FLOOD of water, which hits the electric cables, popping the breakers. And as everybody staggers around in the DARK, a grip is heard to mutter, “Why the hell did I leave ‘Oprah’?”

Damien on… Smoking Bans

Back in ’99, I wrote a piece called, “Predictions For The Millennium”. It was approximately a dozen absurd predictions that were intended to be COMEDIC. But the last said, “I predict that at least three of the above will ACTUALLY HAPPEN…”

Well, at least one DID. I predicted smoking would be banned in CARS. Cops stop a guy… winds down window…”Excuse me sir, but have we been… SMOKING?” It wasn’t that far out there, given the bans on using mobile phones while driving. Lighting up, stubbing out and DROPPING a fag in the LAP are at LEAST as distracting as fiddling with a mobile.

But the way they did it in the UK was extend smoking bans in the WORKPLACE to include company cars. And it’s ENFORCEABLE – if a traffic cop sees someone smoking, all he has to do is run a “make” on the car’s plate, to see if it’s registered to a company.

But if smoking is banned in the workplace, what about TV and film STUDIOS? I mean, if a script calls for someone to light up, what then? A studio is a “workplace”. Does that mean they have to CG the fag and smoke? [Update: NO! Apparently they get an EXEMPTION. Which means all you need to do is cast all the smokers in the crew as smoking "extras" - and they can smoke all the TIME, claiming they are REHEARSING!]

And what about pubs and clubs? They are HURTING because of these bans. One would have thought that clubs, being PRIVATE, would be exempt – but apparently not. Perhaps we will see a return to the days of the American prohibition era. You’ll knock on a door… a trap will slide back (smoke will pour through it)… a face will appear… you’ll say Joe sent you… and you’ll be admitted to the “SMOKEASY”. [ANOTHER update! As I type this, it's May 04, 2011 - and AGAIN I predicted the future. I now learn that "smokeasies" EXIST - and they're called - SMOKEASIES!]

Ridiculous? But then so’s the whole issue. If you want to read more, go to http://morpheusatloppers.wordpress.com/ and look up “Anti-Smoking Paranoia”. Just say Damien sent you…

Damien on… Weather Forecasting

Weather forecasting is a CON.

The only thing that mega-expensive technical junk does, is tell you what the weather is doing NOW. But you can find THAT out just by looking out the WINDOW.

Most of what these smug charlatans do is look at the satellite pictures for the last 24 hours, note the trends – and assume those trends will CONTINUE. Problem is, the factors which affect weather are so varied (like a woman in Ipswich, England, lights a bonfire and three days later it rains in Ipswich, Australia) in reality, ANYTHING might happen.

Even a MAJOR system like a tornado can twist, turn or stop dead. But undeterred, these hustlers confidently predict what effect minor fluctuations will have in SEVEN DAYS TIME. They even show weather maps – with DETAIL – for that time. Use your VCR, PVR, DVD-R or whatever, and try comparing those prediction maps with the maps of what ACTUALLY HAPPENS and you’ll see how laughable that is.

You might as well just GUESS what the weather will do in a week’s time – you’ve got just as much chance of being right as the “professionals”.

I prefer those TV weather forecasts where the presenters perform a STRIPTEASE while they’re delivering it. Provided they haven’t had “augmentation”, it’s at least HONEST – and entertaining.

Damien on… T-Shirt Legends

Nowadays, people wear T-shirts that give FREE advertising to commercial concerns, but In My Day, T-shirts had SLOGANS like MAKE LOVE NOT WAR and I’M WITH STUPID and FRANKIE SAYS RELAX (allright, that last one WAS an ad for a commercial concern, but still).

Anyhay, a while back I decided to buy a bunch of T-shirts and sell them with NEW slogans – mostly MINE. It never happened and now I’m retired. But I offer the slogans here, for YOUR entertainment.

And if any T-shirt manufacturer should happen across this piece – they’re YOURS for ten percent off the top, okay? Here they are. Unless indicated otherwise, they are MY COPYRIGHT!

THERE IS ONLY PASSION – THE REST IS BULLSHIT

THE GUY BEHIND ME WILL PAY

“IT’S A SMALL WORLD – BUT I WOULDN’T WANT TO PAINT IT”  Steven Wright

THE ABSURD IS NOW COMMONPLACE

I’M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS  (with the Mensa logo)

I’M A PUSHOVER FOR A SOB STORY

BE ALERT – WE NEED MORE LERTS

IT’S A DANGEROUS WORLD – BUT WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GO?

“YOU CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING – WHERE WOULD YOU PUT IT?”  Steven Wright

I AM A USELESS MEMBER OF SOCIETY

I EAT TOO MUCH, I DRINK TOO MUCH, I SWEAR TOO MUCH, I SMOKE TOO MUCH, I WEIGH TOO MUCH, I TALK TOO MUCH – I AM TOO MUCH

GET EDUKATED PROPER – LIKE ME

“OLD AGE ISN’T SO BAD WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE”  Maurice Chevalier

I LIKE INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR

Remember – ten percent! Oh, and if you like shorts, why not visit my smarter brother, Morpheus – on http://morpheusatloppers.wordpress.com/ and checkout “Oxymorons” – or my Zen brother, Cornelius on http://corneliusatloppers.wordpress.com/  and peruse his “Random Thoughts” and “Favourite Quotes”. It’s all good!

Damien on… Stories Of Our Time

In late 1920s Mississippi, a man called Billy-Bob McWhirter got a Great Idea. He took his canoe into the Okefenokee Swamp and returned with a hundred alligator eggs. These he placed in tanks with powerful lightbulbs overhead. After a while, he found himself with a lot of little alligators.

He then packed them into cases and boarded a train to New York. Once there, he began touring the pet shops of Manhattan, selling them to the vendors as “exotic pets”. His pitch was posh people liked exotic animals and all they’d need was a half-filled fish-tank, a few rocks and then they could feed the little snappers with scraps from the dinner-table.

Some pet-shop owners agreed that whilst still small – with their big eyes and feet - the alligators were certainly cute, but wondered what would happen when they started growing? Billy-Bob laughed and told them not to worry. “Alligators don’t grow in captivity,” he assured them.

Soon, no up-market Manhattan apartment was complete without one or two of these little reptiles in a tank in the corner. Trendy New Yorkers loved them. And Billy-Bob – and those who followed him – made their fortune. Then they moved on. This proved to be a wise move as slowly, the pet-owners discovered that actually ‘gators DID grow in captivity.

Initially, the Bronx Zoo took the now-lethal snappers off their owners hands – but eventually, they had all they could use and began turning away new donors. And since Okefenokee was an expensive and time-consuming distance away, some owners, hearing of the problems being encountered by other ‘gater-fanciers, decided on a quick method of ridding themselves of their impending burdens.

They flushed them down the toilets.

Some kidded themselves that the beasts would eventually make it out of the sewers and head South, returning to the land of their births – but most were just glad to be done with the problem.

It wasn’t until some time later that the first New York sewer-worker disappeared. Then another and another. Finally, an inspector went to investigate. A scream was heard – then silence. He also was never seen again. A detachment from the U.S. Army were sent down, armed to the teeth. After a while, guns were heard blazing. Only half the men made it out alive. But after a debriefing, at least the authorities now knew what they were up against.

It took two years before the sewers were declared safe again, but even today, workers are issued with shotguns – just in case.

All of which is bollocks. It never happened! The story was MADE UP by a bored newspaper reporter on a slow news day. It was then picked up by the wire services and spread across the World. And for decades, every time a hack was short of a story, this twaddle would be dusted off and regurgitated.

It’s like the one about The Great Wall Of China being the only man-made structure visible from space. Think about it – sure, it’s over two thousand miles LONG, but it’s only TEN FEET WIDE.

If it were true, what about the Empire State Building, Red Square - even Wembley Stadium? Fact is, THIS one came from an astronaut who was in low orbit and as he was passing over China, remarked that he could see The Wall.

But for DECADES, like most people, I BELIEVED the New York sewers were infested with blind, shit-eating, albino alligators (although I didn’t see the sense in the G.W.C. yarn). M’point is, these urban myths are all OVER the place, thanks to newspaper hacks who can’t be bothered to factcheck their damn STORIES!

So let me just say that it is MY intention to take NOTHING I hear – and repeat in these scribblings – at face value. And whilst I can’t guarantee EVERYTHING contained here is – and always will be - gospel, I CAN promise to do my BEST to make it so. The thing is, I do this for nothing – those bums get PAID!

Damien on… Nothing

They tell us that zero isn’t really a number. It’s the LACK of a number. The Ancient Romans had numbers going up to one MILLION (a capital M with a bar over it) but they had NO ZERO. Therefore logically, their zero was an empty space, right?

So does this mean that in Roman schools, when the teacher asked a kid to wipe the blackboard, he then chastised the child for leaving it covered in zeros?

Damien on… Birthdays

When I was young, I couldn’t understand why old people were less than keen on celebrating birthdays. Now I’m old, I get it.

The thing is, when you’re young, a birthday means you are nearer to becoming an adult.

And when you’re a young adult, it means you are becoming mature.

But at my age, a birthday just means you’re one year closer to DEATH…

Damien on… Area 51

Like everyone else, I’ve seen those documentaries where guys try and approach this legendary place and get warned off by heavily armed militia, then show planes taking off from Vegas with blacked out windows, then get told by officials that there’s no such PLACE as Area 51. And as I understand it, the base’s border has been pushed back now, so you can’t even see the place through long lenses.

All of which means “THEY” really wanna keep the place SUPER hush-hush, right? Well, you’d THINK so, however just for the hell of it, I decided to see what it looked like on Google Earth. But since I’d heard Dead-eye Dick Cheney’s place was pixilated on Google Earth (Dead-eye was probably sunbathing nude when the satellite went over – and NOBODY wants to see THAT) I didn’t expect to see much. How wrong I was…

I input “groomlakenevada”, the ACTUAL name of the area - since Google Earth would hardly be likely to respond to “Area 51″ - and after floating round the dried-up lake for a few seconds, spotted an airstrip, with buildings. It certainly LOOKED like the right place. I zoomed down and as I approached the ground, a flag came up. It said – “Area 51″!

WHAT???! Yes. I later discovered you CAN just input “area51″ and save yourself the chore of searching Groom Lake. And the satellite picture is as sharp and clear as DAY. There’s the airstrip, roads, buildings – even craters where they tested nukes in the Fifties – all clearly labelled as points of interest.

Of course, conspiracy theorists will say the pics have been doctored – but HOW? I mean, it’s all THERE. Everything you would expect to see on a military base in the desert. What the hell did they EXPECT to see? Back-engineered flying saucers parked on the hanger aprons?

It seems to me that all of that security on the ground is only there to stop a working military base being overrun by geeks, cranks and other pests – and umpteen documentary crews making yet ANOTHER bloody programme about the Mysterious Goings-On At Area 51!

Damien on… Freedom Of Speech

For any writer, freedom of speech is paramount. But is it really desirable across the board? The problem is, with freedom goes responsibility. Let’s examine a few examples…

A racist gets up on a soap-box in a predominantly immigrant neighbourhood and begins a diatribe of racist philosophising. Now in an ideal World he would be ignored, laughed at, or invited to stick his head up his arse.

But we do not LIVE in an ideal World – and the PRACTICAL result of allowing him his freedom of speech would likely be mayhem, during which property and PEOPLE could be seriously DAMAGED.

Or a film director creates a work portraying some atrocity or other, to make a point about The Human Condition. Intelligent people view the work and absorb its message – but one NUT who is unable to separate fantasy from reality goes and COMMITS the atrocity.

You see the problem. Individual freedom is fine – so long as it doesn’t interfere with someone ELSE’S freedom. If I want to play my stereo LOUDLY, that’s great – unless my neighbour is trying to sleep.

Ideally, one should be free to buy dynamite. But the REALITY of allowing such freedom would be that NO-ONE would be SAFE.

Only an IDIOT would sanction the over-the-counter sale of dynamite. That would be like allowing ordinary people to buy GUNS. Wouldn’t it? N.R.A.

Damien on… Sexual Identity

This one’s for guys. No man in this World is one-hundred-percent straight – or gay, for that matter. We are all a quagmire of attractions and repulsions. Turn-ons and turn-offs.

But you say, “Hold ON – are you calling me a shirt-lifter? How DARE you!”

Well consider this, my one-hundred-percent straight friend: imagine you had to live the rest of your life on a desert island. And you had the choice of two companions. One – the sweetest, most attractive man YOU PERSONALLY could imagine. The other – the most ghastly, hairy, smelly, pustule-infested woman that again, YOU PERSONALLY could imagine. WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

The fact you have even had to CONSIDER that question proves my point!

Incidentally, Your Humble Scribe has put this one to a number of guys over the years – and you would not BELIEVE how they’ve tried to WRIGGLE out of giving a straight (sic) answer! “Supposing I escaped the island?” “Could I not just kill myself?” “Couldn’t I just be alone?” NO! Answer the damn QUESTION!!!

Damien on… The Meaning Of Dreams

…There isn’t any. I thank you.

Oh – you want more? Okay. For centuries, psychiatrists and other quacks have made fortunes convincing people that interpretation of dreams can reveal important facts about their inner psyches.

All of which is bogus.

When we sleep, our higher brain – the “conscious” – shuts down, allowing our lower brain – the “subconscious” – to PLAY (if the lower brain shut down as well, we would stop BREATHING).

Now freed from it’s mundane duties, the lower brain goes walkabout. And as it stumbles around our memory banks, it pulls out images, emotions and concepts in an entirely RANDOM manner, occasionally stringing them together into a vaguely narrative form.

And it is these ramblings that we call dreams. Of course, most of the jumble makes no sense, but when it does, we REMEMBER it when we wake (particularly if the dream occurred shortly BEFORE waking).

But it’s a bit like that infinite number of monkeys. If they bang mindlessly away on those typewriters for long enough, eventually one of them will knock out something that would pass for a Hollywood screenplay – which explains “Plan Nine From Outer Space”.

So when you wake, having just committed an unspeakable act with your mother, don’t rush to the Yellow Pages looking for a trick-cyclist. You DON’T have a PROBLEM – it was just the random wanderings of your unfettered subconscious.

And if you allow the DRIVEL from the Haunted Wing of your grey matter to worry you, you DESERVE the DRIVEL the miserable shrink will unload all over you – so THERE!

Damien on… Copyright

Earlier in these chronicles, this scribbler touched on the subject of the record companies. In particular, how after decades of greed and paranoia, they were now DYING.

Well, it appears the beast is now threshing around in its death-throes – and HURTING its former customers.

Specifically, it has come to the attention of this historian that SOME companies – by THREATENING legal action – are extorting huge “fines” from guys whose only crime was to make a “mix-tape” (or nowadays, mix-DISK) for their girl-friend.

Now in the past, the issue of ordinary people committing “copyright theft” every time they used their cassette-recorder or VCR has been answered by the “gentleman’s agreement” that said if no MONEY was being made, no action would be taken.

In other words, your Granny didn’t have to fear that guys wearing flak-vests would come swinging through her front-room windows with stun-grenades every time she recorded her favourite soap.

But it appears that in their desperation, SOME companies have decided to rescind the previous policy – and circumvent the LAW – and get TOUGH.

So far, this nastiness appears to have been limited to The States – but since their absurdities inevitably tend to infect the rest of the World sooner or later… watch OUT.

Damien on… Ennio Morricone

This KINDA follows on from the end of the piece on Pop and Dance, below, which bemoans the lack of MELODY in today’s music. So where does Morricone figure in this? Read on, reader…

You are probably familiar with Ennio Morricone as that guy who wrote the scores for those “spaghetti westerns” in the Sixties, right? But he was much more.

In fact, Morricone had already established his spaghetti-western style when he’d done the backing for a cowboy-style country record a few years earlier and merely extended it, when he wrote the scores for “A Fistful Of Dollars”, “For A Few Dollars More”, “The Good, The Bad And The Ugly” and “Once Upon A Time In The West”.

But these films are just four of around four HUNDRED films that were scored by Ennio, from 1962 right up to the present, which include ALL genres of movie, from romance and drama, through horror to comedy.

And which, using his collaborators, Bruno Nicolai - arranger and conductor (who has a number of scores to HIS credit) Alassandro – whistles - and the great Edda Dell’Orso, whose passionate, three-octave vocals enhanced almost all of Ennio’s scores from the mid-sixties to the mid-seventies, run through ALL genres of music.

Back in the late Sixties, when the legal wrangles were settled (the makers of “Yojimbo” sued over “Fistful” and the producer of “Fistful” sued over “Dollars More”) and Leone’s first three movies opened outside Italy, Hollywood recognised Morricone’s genius and welcomed him into their number with awards and commissions (they even offered him a villa in Bel-Air, which he declined).

But what no-one outside of Italy (apart from a few film-nuts like this scribbler) knows, is that Morricone has a SLEW of music, that enhanced a plethora of (mostly unremarkable) films, to his credit. And they include some of the most beautiful melodies you will ever hear. Which brings us back to the point this writer made at the top. These pieces were written in the Sixties and Seventies.

And therein lies the problem. As stated in the piece on Pop and Dance, modern music first emerged immediately after WW1. And most of the great melodies – tunes that get inside your brain and which you find yourself humming or whistling – were written by the likes of Cole Porter and George Gershwin, during the Twenties and Thirties.

Still more was written after, but as you go through the Forties, Fifties, Sixties and Seventies – the flow of great MELODIES lessens. Until in the Eighties, it all but DRIES UP.

Oh sure, there were some great SOUNDS around in the Eighties, but most were based on complex CHORD-CHANGES – not melody.

How many GREAT TUNES can YOU think of, that were written after 1980?

The problem is with the format of Western music. It uses just twelve notes - seven white ones and five black. And any melody that is going to sound “right” has to have logical PROGRESSIONS – not just be random notes. Which is somewhat limiting.

As far back as 1964, when John Barry first played the opening three notes of “Goldfinger” to lyricists Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, they both simultaneously sang, “…wider than a mile!” This was because “Moon River” shares the same opening three notes – albethey phrased differently.

These days, to avoid charges of plagiarism, a composer has to make sure that no FOUR successive notes of their melodies coincide with another. And after NINETY YEARS of compositions, which have been greedily assimilated by movies, stage musicals, radio and television – not to mention the Pop record industry – that’s TOUGH.

ALL THE NOTES HAVE BEEN USED UP.

So if YOU want to hear great melodies you haven’t heard before – go to You-Tube and punch in “Ennio Morricone Edda Dell’Orso”. Then listen to ALL the FORTY-ODD entries listed. And enjoy them. Because they may just be the LAST NEW (to YOU) melodies – THAT YOU’LL EVER HEAR.

Damien on… The History Of Pop And Dance

…Began, as we know it today, around 1920. It emerged at the beginning of “The Jazz Age”. But although the term “Dance Music” was coined early on, the term “Pop” (short for popular) had to wait until the Fifties. In 1920, the New Sound was called – Syncopated Music.

This quickly sub-divided itself into what is now called Pop and Dance. Dance, by definition, is music made for dancing to – but you can also listen to it – while Pop is music made predominantly for listening to – but you can also dance to it. The main difference being – Pop has lyrics.

But in those days, ALL modern music was about BANDS. The vocalists were employed by the bandleader, and had no greater status than the lead trumpeter. However, upon the advent of electronic amplification at the end of the Twenties, that would CHANGE.

The CROONER was born. No longer were singers forced to bellow their lyrics through bull-horns – they could press their lips up to the huge, moving-coil mics and PURR their sounds into it – which would then BOOM through the dance-halls of the day. The POWER!

And with that power came the ability to get THEIR names onto the top of the label - instead of in brackets under the band’s name - often in the form of “with vocal refrain” - while the band’s name slid to the BOTTOM of said label. Bing Crosby, Al Bowlly, Peggy Lee – and of course, Frank Sinatra – became huge stars.

In those early days, labour was cheap. Thus the cost of keeping a 16-piece band – plus singers – and occasionally even a string section – On The Road, was manageable. But after WW2, this soon became impractical. And all but the biggest bands split up into combos. Rock ‘N’ Roll was born.

It was a merging of several styles – Boogie, Jump-Jive, Rock-A-Billy (up-tempo Country) and Rhythm-And-Blues (up-tempo Blues) – even Gospel. Elvis was the catalyst, turning R ‘N’ B WHITE.

But post-war repression gave Rock ‘N’ Roll a hard time. After the war, education had slowly lengthened the time kids were expected to remain in school – living with their PARENTS. Which inevitably caused friction – and REBELLION. Parents failed to understand this, and blamed their kids’ behaviour on the MUSIC the kids liked, not realising the music was an EFFECT of their behaviour – not its CAUSE.

Thus radio stations refused to play it and record companies refused to record it – they were run by Old Men - with the inevitable result that it was driven UNDERGROUND. While the Fifties charts were filled with middle-of-the-road pap, the kids were bopping to R ‘N’ R in juke joints.

This ended in the late Fifties, when managers realised their stars would never make MONEY from R ‘N’ R, and so began grooming them as “all-round-entertainers”. But around the corner – was THE SIXTIES!

In the Sixties, everything changed. Firstly, the people in charge of radio stations and record labels began to realize that the kids of today HAD money – and fashion designers came to the same conclusion. And those budding musicians who as kids had been part of the underground scene in the Fifties realised that R ‘N’ B and R ‘N’ R still had POWER – and could be MODERNISED. Enter the “Beat” scene, with its leaders – The Beatles.

The Beatles were given previously unheard-of room to develop, under the skilled auspices of George Martin – a gifted musician who had formerly been side-lined at Parlophone as a recorder of comedy records. And you hardly need THIS historian to tell you how THAT went.

And whilst even the Sixties had to end, the die had been cast. Now, YOUTH was what Pop and Dance were all about. And this movement continued through Prog Rock, Disco, Punk and eventually, Techno. Which brings us NEARLY to today. But at this point, to understand where we ARE today, it is necessary to detail the history of the medium without which NONE of the above would have HAPPENED. The Record Companies.

And at said point, this writer is forced to limit his description of events predominantly to the BRITISH scene, since it is THAT scene that he has experienced. But ALL record companies, World-wide, share the same paranoia, dealing as they do, with a product you cannot see, touch or in any real sense, consume. It can only be HEARD. Thus they have jealously guarded their “product”.

Sound recording started as a gimmick, long BEFORE the advent of Pop and Dance, merely FALLING INTO the commercial possibilities when the MUSIC emerged. Initially, the companies were run by the formats’ inventors - Edison and Berliner.

But as Pop and Dance began to achieve recognition, many small companies started up, eager to take advantage of the phenomenon. But as is the way of such things, it wasn’t long before the take-overs and mergers began. In Britain, there were two leaders - Columbia (no relation to America’s Columbia) who handled popular artists – and His Master’s Voice, with it’s famous trade-mark of the dog and gramophone, who went with more serious music.

During it’s rise, Columbia had acquired Regal Records and HMV, the Zonophone Co. In 1931, HMV effectively took over Columbia. And Parlophone was brought in as well. Thus the new company with its new Abbey Road studios, record pressing plants, record-player, radio (and later, television) manufacturing units, laboratories (where TV was developed – see elsewhere in these chronicles) and retail outlets (HMV Record Shops) controlled more than half the audio (later, audio-visual) industry of Great Britain. And Decca (similar story) controlled most of what was left.

And this situation continued – with outlets in The States – for the next FORTY YEARS.

The only major development came after WW2, when Philips – the European equivalent of EMI – began a record company in Britain. The success of which was based SOLELY on their having managed to wrest the license to distribute AMERICA’S Columbia records from EMI’s Columbia – giving them an immediate, ready-made catalogue of US-recorded MOR hits to flood Europe with.

And Pye – a small British manufacturer of A/V equipment – had some success when they signed the King of Skiffle, Lonnie Donegan. And Rank - a British film production and releasing organisation – gave it a go, but folded the division after a few years. Others came and went also, but EMI and Decca RULED until the end of the Sixties – then it all fell apart. The big two had price-fixed and strangled the market for so long – they forgot about the customers.

Who wanted DIVERSITY. And in the early Seventies, a whole lot of little companies began to GIVE them that. Let’s examine one of them. Virgin. A middle-class hooray called Richard Branson started the label with small facilities and would have gone the way of others who’d done similar – had it not been for another young man by the name of Mike Oldfield.

Mike Oldfield had made a record called “Tubular Bells”. Sort of Electric Folk, it caught the mood of The New Age – and was immediately popularised by having a piece of itself included in the hit film “The Exorcist”. ”Bells” quickly became first an underground – then mainstream – HIT.

And Branson began selling SHED-FULLS of copies from his shop, above a shoe-shop in London’s Oxford Street. He also had a Man In New York who bought PILES of American rock titles he knew would sell in London and air-freighted them to Branson’s shop. This KILLED HMV Oxford Street, where you had to ORDER them one at a time – which meant they cost a fortune and you had to WAIT for delivery. At Virgin, they cost LESS than retail (records were always cheaper Stateside).

Furthermore, Branson would sell ANY records – at ANY price he felt to be fair. And since OODLES of small companies – many with just ONE signing – began following his lead, he had lots to choose from. Anarchy ensued! The price-fixing system where any company selling a record cheaply could NOT get distribution in the majors’ shops was OVER. The prices tumbled. By the beginning of the Eighties, records had never BEEN so cheap. But it wouldn’t last.

What was left of the big companies had a SECRET WEAPON. The last major record format change had happened at the end of the Fifties. The transfer from shellac (78s) to vinyl (45s and 33 1/3rds). It was time for ANOTHER one. Enter the CD. The Thing That Killed Pop.

The thing about pop is it’s SINGLE-BASED. You have an idea for a sound. You get some chums round and form a band. You rehearse. Get small gigs. Press a demo single at a small factory. Get your girlfriends to plug it to DJs. IF a radio station plays it, you MIGHT get a few orders. If you can fill them, your single enters the BOTTOM of the Hot 100.

At this point, radio stations prick up their antennae. They give it air-play. It builds. Eventually a scout from a major hears it and signs the band. They put ‘em in the studio. Tracks are recorded – along with a better production of that single (or the original, if the quality is good enough). Tours are organised to sell the album – which people will BUY, having now HEARD it. Then you go back into the studio to record the follow-up. And so on. Rock And Roll!

But although the CD was INTENDED to be an album AND single format – it never happened. Single “mini-discs” WERE issued for a while, but the format died on its arse. It needed an ADAPTOR for some players’ “cup-holders”, so was issued with one. Trouble was, it cost MORE to make the mini-disc and adaptor than it did to simply make a full-size DISC. Thus CD singles merely became SHORT versions of the albums. The single was DEAD. And with it, entry-level Pop.

Of course, the record companies didn’t CARE about the lack of New Talent. They were too busy fleecing the public. Selling them new equipment (most record giants were then owned by, owned, or had SOME tie-in with the companies making the hardware) and encouraging them to RE-PURCHASE music they had ALREADY PAID FOR, in the new format. All it took was a cheap, back-room clean-up of the tapes they, the record company, already OWNED. Now, they could re-sell their entire back-catalogue. All of the classic albums – and ever-more-cheesy compilations.

And “in order to pay for the new equipment” – an argument that began losing credibility after TEN YEARS - the record companies charged SERIOUS money for the discs. Audio-cassettes of “singles” (three tracks off the album) and albums were issued as a stop-gap, but actually cost the record companies more to make than CDs – so they REALLY pushed those discs.

But eventually the public had purchased new hi-fis – and RE-purchased all the nostalgia they needed – and so the record companies were forced to re-think their strategies. Having developed NO New Sound (the CORE of Pop) their first move was to try and galvanise their producers. And those guys, not being creatives, fell back on the hits of the PAST.

Hiring groups of pretty boys and girls who would look good on posters (these guys knew MARKETING) they did a series of lame covers (shades of Woolworths’ “Embassy” records) knowing their demographic (gullible teens) would be too young to be able to remember the originals – and sold them this crap at FULL PRICE. A monstrous RIP-OFF.

But eventually, the young wised up (particularly when their parents played them the ORIGINALS of those lame covers!) and the companies needed ANOTHER trick. And right NOW, amongst the firings of their execs and tumbling balance sheets – they’re STILL looking for it! Which brings us back to the music.

We left things at the end of the Eighties. Pop’s Last Hurrah. New producers had revived Pop and it was on a high that ALMOST resembled that of the Sixties. But like the Sixties, there was a hangover due. The Nineties was The Decade Pop Died. Well, almost.

The thing was, Pop had always shared the stage with Dance (see above, right at the start of this reminiscence) and when Pop had been in the front seat, Dance had always taken a rest in the back. And vice-versa. But over the decades, Pop had mostly hogged that front seat – however, once more, change was around the corner.

You see, Pop has a CYCLE. And it lasts about ten years. It consists of (1) Birth. Someone comes up with a New Idea. Like Elvis with White R ‘N’ B. Then (2) Development. Others jump on the band-waggon. Then (3) Peak. The New Sound rules! Then (4) Decline. The New Sound becomes repetitive, with “variations”. And finally (5) Fallow Period. This is filled with “novelty records” – one-offs that do well but have no band-waggon – plus instrumentals and DANCE.

And in 1990, we fell into a VERY fallow period. However, Dance came to the rescue. Remember - ”Dance; music made predominantly for dancing to – but you can also listen to it.” And in the Eighties, in addition to the European Techno-Pop sound of Duran Duran, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Pet Shop Boys, etc. – there was a thriving Techno Dance scene.

The same MIDI (Musical Instrument Digital Interface) computer tech that helped shape Eighties Pop had also been commandeered for the underground RAVE scene of that period. This developed into “House” – a back-beat STRIPPED of melody. But when, E-ed out of your gourd, you required rest, there was usually a “Chillout” tent where screens with digital cartoons would be accompanied by a sound then called “Ambient”.

This was a spacey techno-trip - with a gentle beat, so’s dancers could “come down” slowly. Aaa-ah. And as the Eighties gave way to the Nineties, this evolved into TRANCE. Trance began, essentially, as Ambient, but slowly developed into a more gentle form of Dance music in its own right. And it had LYRICS. Which by definition (see WAY above) made it POP.

And by the end of the Nineties, it had gone MAINSTREAM. But it differed from conventional Pop in several ways. Pop records mostly lasted three minutes and had an intro, a middle and an end (albeit sometimes faded). But Trance records had a LONG intro, usually TWO middles and a long OUTRO.

This was because they were not designed to stand ALONE. Trance records were designed to be MIXED into a SERIES of tracks, by skilled DJs. As single units, they didn’t WORK. But the industry had an answer for that too. Much to the DISGUST of clubbers and ravers, they HIRED these skilled DJs to do THEM professional 80-minute (the max length of a CD) mixes of the latest anthems that they could SELL to the general PUBLIC.

That way, those who could not attend clubs or raves could, by proxy, be a part of the ONLY innovative musical scene that EXISTED in the Nineties. And they LAPPED it up. Some even WENT to clubs and raves (although the older fans had trouble getting IN!) Thus, Trance was in many ways, The Pop Of The Nineties.

But following the Ten Year Rule detailed above, even Trance would not last forever. In the early - whatever THIS decade is called – it obeyed that rule, descending into remixes, chillout versions of the anthems and finally silence.

So where does this leave Pop today? Well of course, thanks to THIS medium, the record companies have had their day. Many bands now actually IGNORE those companies, preferring to release their music on the Interweb for FREE - whilst making their money from live gigs.

But in one way, this is a tragedy. Because for all their faults – and there were MANY – the one positive thing the record companies DID do - was CHANNEL New Talent. Whereas the Interweb is a free-for-all, unmanaged, undisciplined, uncoordinated MESS. If a band like the Beatles emerged today, no WAY would they reach the kind of numbers the Fab Four did.

And one last thing. And this is something no record company could do ANYTHING about. Melody. There are only twelve notes in an octave. And since 1920, ALL logical progressions of those notes have been DONE. When did you last hear a NEW tune you could whistle?

Music as we know it, was developed nearly a THOUSAND YEARS ago (plain-song, madrigals, etc.) In the West, it slowly established a whole bunch of RULES, regarding chords and tones. But those rules are not fixed. Other civilizations have DIFFERENT rules. To us, their music sounds atonal. But if MUSIC (not just Pop) is to PROGRESS, perhaps we need to re-define what music IS? Pause for thought.

At which point, I think I’ll go and stick some Miles Davis on my gramophone…

Damien on… The History Of Religion

When one is a child, all sustenance, caring and wisdom comes from one’s parents. Therefore, as a child, one’s parents are effectively GODS. But when one grows up, one quickly comes to realize they actually have feet of clay – which leaves one feeling rather alone.

And thus it has been, ever since Man first gained the power of THOUGHT.  But once he BEGAN to think, he put enormous effort into trying to overcome the problem. Looking around, the first thing he noticed was the Sun. It gave him warmth, light – and plants didn’t seem to grow in the shade. Therefore in a triumph of logic, he surmised that the Sun was God.

But then, he realised that this could not be the entire story. Water seemed to be kind of important too. And without earth… So pretty soon, he became convinced that they too must be gods. And with that realization, since men were his only point of reference, he attributed to them man-like qualities. And so began to worship them. And give sacrifices to them.

Further on down the line, Man developed civilizations. And with those civilizations (the Greeks, the Romans) came development of those early ideas. They devised gods for EVERYTHING that seemed important. Wine, love, travel - you name it, they had a god for it. But this got ridiculous – enter mono-theism.

A single god was easier to handle, but Man needed some sort of connection with this deity, thus he came up with prophets, sons-of, holy men, witch-doctors – again, you name it.

But since civilizations had their differences, it was inevitable that their religions would vary also. And since religious devotion had become so powerful, that devotion would lead to “holy wars”. Thus much blood was spilled over whose gods were best.

But eventually, Man grew UP. He invented SCIENCE, which provided answers to the questions of the creation of the Universe, the way the World worked and the evolution of himself. At least, by now that’s what SHOULD have happened – but it hasn’t has it?

The absurdities of Man’s modern religions are mind-boggling.

The simplest question, which a five-year-old can ask, but which the most intelligent theologian in the World cannot answer, is, “If God made Man, who made God?”

Then there are the variations. Given that the major religions are markedly different in their beliefs, it stands to reason that they can’t ALL be right – which means that anyone claiming THEIR religion is the “true” one, is by inference calling the followers of all other religions…deluded fools.

In fact, religions are a bit like washing liquids and powders – they all do much the same job, but all of their manufacturers claim that only THEIRS washes RIGHT.

But what job DOES religion do? Well, they do many. Going back to that primitive Man, they answer the unanswerable questions – sort of. And they give people a father-figure. Someone to ask for stuff. Help, comfort – a good crop.

And of course, they calm the fear EVERYONE has of DEATH, by promising some sort of after-life – from the Happy Hunting Ground to Heaven. And they also enable men to CONTROL other men by offering up threats of the OPPOSITE, if they don’t behave.

But if that were true, where would the cut-off point be? We all live lives filled with good and bad deeds (see “Good And Evil”, elsewhere in these ramblings) so how much evil can you do and STILL make it to the good place? With some religions, seemingly plenty – provided you can get a “holy man” to give you absolution just before you die.

And if Man is born in God’s image, it follows that God looks like Man. But what would HE do with reproductive organs? And where do WOMEN come in all of that?

And if God is perfect, why do some religions make “alterations” to babies? “Lord, your work is ALMOST perfect, but we want to make just ONE little ‘improvement’…”

Okay, at this point I’m forced to SKIP OVER the MANY other absurdities of individual religions for fear of bringing a ton of CRAP down upon myself – as I’ve said elsewhere, these are just words, people – and make just one more point…

A person’s religion - or belief system – is developed over their life- time, so why do God-Squads CONTINUE to believe they can CHANGE people’s beliefs, on a door-step, in half an hour? Don’t they realize the only “conversions” they will achieve will be amongst the desperate, the vulnerable – and people whose soaps are about to start on TV?

Damien on… Tony Blair

Now this scribe actually LIKES Tony as a person. But as a political figure, what a naive BUFFOON he was. One could understand Blair’s hero-worship of Clinton. Clinton was who HE wanted to be. But George Wan…sorry, WaLker Bush. WHY??? Even Blair, the most right-wing left-wing leader in British history, could hardly have felt kinship with THAT bumbling far-right moron.

So why the HELL did he follow him into Iraq? The UN, nearly ALL of Europe’s leaders, most of his cabinet (his Foreign Secretary threatened RESIGNATION over it) and half his electorate said don’t DO it.

And what happened? London got BLOWN UP, that’s what. At the time, Blair was in a G8 Conference in Scotland. WITH Bush – and several other World leaders. I like to think that when the news came through, Bush asked Blair what he was going to do and Blair replied, “Well, I’m not going to do what YOU did on 11/9 – sit with my thumb up my arse for ten minutes and then run away. I’m taking the first chopper down to London. I can’t DO ANYTHING, but at least I can show willing. Here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.” I’d LIKE to think that’s what happened – but I doubt it.

Even the “mission” itself was an embarrassment. While the U.S. forces were sashaying into Baghdad, the British were ignominiously taking flak at their rear, keeping the Americans’ supply lines open.

Incidentally, another stupid (right-wing) government that allowed themselves to be talked into becoming part of the Coalition Of The Willing was Spain. Result? The Madrid Train Bombings. The next election saw the left-wing party returned to power. And their first act was to pull their troups OUT of Iraq (of course, they stated they were only doing so as they’d voted against the move in the first place. They could hardly admit to being compliant to terrorism – they have their OWN problems with the Basque Separatists) much to the chagrin of the Yanks.

And then of course, the justification for going into Iraq in the first place - those famous Weapons Of Mass Destruction – failed to materialize.

Ouch. Everything The Monkey has TOUCHED has turned to CRAP – his companies, his country’s reputation, her financial situation (Republicans may be arseholes, but at least they usually manage to balance the books – at huge expense to the poor, of course – but GWB couldn’t even manage THAT) and Spain. Tony’s reputation became just another part of the Bush trail of debris.

And it could have all been so DIFFERENT. Imagine if Blair had told Bush to go @#$% himself. He could then have alligned himself with Europe (something no British leader has EVER successfully done) and made overtures for stronger ties between Europe and Russia. With Communism down the crapper and Russia wobbling, Putin would have been a fool not to buy into THAT.

Then if America had given Blair grief, he could have recommended to Europe’s leaders that Russia be brought into NATO as an “associate member”. The Yanks would have FREAKED! And short of getting the CIA to kill him (they failed time and again with Castro) there’d've been bugger all they could have done about it, ’cause an alliance between the European countries would have been BIGGER than AMERICA. And with Russia on their side, America would have been DWARFED.

For too long, America has relied on the union of her people (“I may be Red State, Blue State, East Coast, West Coast, North, South, Black, White, Jewish, Gentile, Hispanic, Gringo, whatever – I am first and foremost an AMERICAN”) and the DIS-union of Europeans – with their divisive centuries-long history of wars – for her position as the World’s Number One Power.

If Britain and the rest of Europe became The Federal States Of Europe, THEY could be the Number One Power. And The World’s Policeman, if they so desired. And with Russia as an associate, they’d be even BIGGER (and be able to keep a REIGN on Russia, which as we’ve seen, is still something of a loose cannon).

And if Tony Blair had had the vision, he COULD have made all of that HAPPEN. And been at its CENTRE. And left power as a HERO. Bigger than Churchill.

So WHY DID he allow himself to go down in history as nothing more than Bush’s Bitch? @#$%ed if I know. Somewhere on a World in another dimension, ANOTHER Tony Blair…

Damien on… Michelle Versus Condo

I am of course speaking of Ms Michelle Obama and Ms Condoleeza Rice. Two women with much in common – but important DIFFERENCES.

Both are women, both are black, both are FIT and both are heavily involved in politics. But there, the similarities END.

Because while both support a powerful man, Michelle supports one with a BRAIN – and one who’s a DEMOCRAT!

Why doesn’t someone REMIND Condo of the Republicans’ record on black issues?

Damien on… Capital Punishment

Capital punishment doesn’t WORK. For four reasons.

One. It is NOT a deterrent. In olden times you could be hung for picking pockets. And hangings were public. And while the public watched – pickpockets worked the crowd.

Most murders are by definition, crimes of passion. People lose their temper and go too far. The LAST thing on their minds is what will happen to them if they get caught. The classic, PLANNED murder (a la Columbo and Poirot) is comparatively rare in the REAL World.

And professionals rarely get caught, since there is nothing to directly connect them with their victim.

Two. Justice is not an exact science. And during the days – sometimes WEEKS – of a murder trial, any lawyer worth anything will be able to plant SOME doubt into the minds of the jury. So when the judge uses those famous words, “…beyond reasonable doubt”, how many jurors are prepared to say they are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure?

Because anything less and they COULD be killing an innocent person. Thus, faced with a choice of guilty or not guilty, many jurors will go for the latter, just in case. Which means far from REDUCING the number of murderers in our midst, capital punishment INCREASES them.

On the other hand, if a juror knows a judgement of guilty will result in a life sentence, they will convict if ALMOST sure – in the knowledge that if they are later proved wrong, the convict can be set free and given money and the chance to rebuild their life. As opposed to being RE-BURIED in consecrated ground.

And how would YOU feel, on Death Row, knowing YOU were innocent. Would the thought that you were “taking one for the team” – by dying to help preserve a system of justice – make you feel any better? This scribe doubts it.

Three. Killing is a brutal, primitive act – no matter HOW or WHY it’s done. Therefore Society lowers itself to the level of the SAVAGE by countenancing the act – even in the name of justice.

And four. Society does not have the RIGHT to take life. Sure, it has the right to protect itself from its evil elements. That’s why we have prisons. Not an ideal solution, but it’s the best we have. So Society has the right to deprive someone of their FREEDOM - just not their life.

Of course there will be those reading this who’ll DISMISS the above arguments and say, “But what if someone killed your wife?” Well, certainly I’d like to kill THEM – if I was sure of my facts – VERY SLOWLY. But that would be REVENGE, not justice.

Or “But what about the COST of locking someone up for life?” That’s the cost of a civilised system of justice.

So no matter how you look at it, Europe’s decision many years ago to REMOVE once and for ALL the obscenity of capital punishment, is why Europe today…is the most civilised society in the World.

America take note.

Damien on… The Age Of Consent

People say Americans don’t understand IRONY.

And yet America is the country that invented the Cheerleader. But it is also the ONLY country in the WORLD where it’s ILLEGAL to BONK one.

Now if THAT isn’t ironic…

Damien on… Plastic Water Bottles

Regarding the below piece on recycling: I discovered a couple of reference pieces had been attached to it, on the subject of plastic water bottles. Now this is a related, but SEPARATE issue - with which I AGREE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

Living in Thailand, this is another pet peeve. You see, unlike America, our tap-water is NOT fit for drinking (you can tooth-brush with it, but that’s all) and thus bottled water is VERY popular. And again, unlike America, it’s CHEAP – forget $3-4 – just 25c a pop.

And as a result, this being a hot, humid country, tourists go through MILLIONS of ‘em (WAY more than are used for SOAP – which makes the nonsense of “sachets” even MORE annoying).

All of which would be bad enough (waste of OIL, etc.) but the main problem is that when they’ve finished with them, many tourists throw ‘em in the SEA - where (as one of the reference pieces I spoke of pointed out) they do NOT DISAPPEAR. MILLIONS of them end up littering our damn BEACHES.

And there IS a SOLUTION. I take no credit for it, ’cause it’s been done before and it WORKS. You sell water in standard, reusable GLASS bottles – with a MASSIVE DEPOSIT on said bottle. Then you force ALL retailers to honour the deposit. Thus a customer picks up a bottle of water at one store – drinks it – then when they need more, takes it to ANY store, where they are given a new one – and their deposit back on the old one. Problem solved.

(Incidentally, being a RESIDENT of Thailand, I get MY drinking water from a local supplier in huge re-usable bottles – the type you find on water-coolers – for just 25c a go. And when I travel, I make sure any bottles I buy – end up in a BIN).

Of course, the issue of bottled water being a “trendy” CON in countries where the tap water is FINE… is an issue that has already been DONE. Leaving me to rant about OTHER issues!

Damien on… Recycling

If we all recycle, the World will immediately become the New Eden – right? No, no, NO!!!

It’s CRAP. Look, what do all these government Nazis ask? That you separate your rubbish into bins labelled “cardboard/paper”, “clear glass”, “coloured glass”, “tins”, etc. And whoa betide you if you don’t.

But THEY know it’s crap. The only reason they do it, is to appear GREEN.

Okay, let’s take glass. Its main ingredient is SAND. And sand is PLENTIFUL – ask any Arab.

What about paper? Well, to re-use it, you have to BLEACH it – a very un-green process.

Tins. They’re made of steel – and sometimes some aluminium. Steel is made from iron and carbon, while aluminium is made from aluminium. Which three elements are among the most common on our planet. 

And as for plastic… We’ve all seen those little symbols – three arrows in a triangle with a number in the middle. To recycle plastic requires some poor schmuck to HAND-SORT it according to that number.

The thing is, it’s all unnecessary. REAL recycling has been going on for decades.

70% of “cardboard” boxes have been recycled ever since the technique of marrying corrugated paper to flat paper was invented. In the fifties. Same time as “containers”.

Valuable metals are worth MONEY and thus have been recycled for CENTURIES. Check your local scrap-yard.

And nowadays, most wood and paper is made from trees grown in SUSTAINABLE forests – where, every two years, they cut down one tree in seven and drag it through the remaining trees. It costs more than just mowing down a forest, but it means that said forest will last FOREVER.

As for plastic, this is a generic term for a whole BUNCH of substances that are mostly – like glass, iron, carbon and aluminium – NOT in short supply.

Okay, where does all this stuff GO, if it’s not recycled? Into the ocean? Into huge piles in our countryside? NO!!!

Governments have LEARNED from past mistakes and now operate well-maintained LAND-FILL sites. Dig a big hole – put in the rubbish – cover and landscape. And we won’t run out of these sites for MILLENNIA.

But until governments ADMIT that most of the stuff you laboriously sort into separate bins (sometimes, having WASHED it first) ends UP lumped together in land-fills, because no-one WANTS it, we are DOOMED to take PART in this nonsense.

This writer’s personal peeve is “sachets”. These days you are effectively FINED for buying soap in a plastic bottle. In a bottle, it’ll cost you 20% extra – despite the additional manufacturing cost being virtually NOTHING.

A sachet (a THIN plastic container) costs 0.04p as opposed to a standard one which costs 0.05p. Which means you have to keep decanting your soap, while the bottle gets progressively DIRTIER.

And - unless you want to WASTE 20% of the SOAP, which CLINGS to the inside of the sachet - you have to mess about watering it down so’s you can get it OUT. And then the sachet falls over, because it’s not good at standing up, spilling the contents over the damn FLOOR. It’s BULLSHIT!

And look how many people buy into it. Stop anyone on the street and they’ll go ON about how important recycling is. But when you ask them for FACTS, you’ll discover they know NOTHING about it. They’ve just been BRAINWASHED by all the hype.

Of course we should not LITTER. We should put our crap into the bin. But just ONE bin. And watch it go sailing off to that nice, safe, ecologically-sound land-fill site. Then go about our business…

Damien on… American “Freedom”

George Wan…sorry, WaLker Bush is always going on about how Americans love FREEDOM. But what freedom do they have?

Americans cannot legally make love until they’re EIGHTEEN. Now given that a man reaches his sexual peak at FIFTEEN, that means the American male is OVER THE HILL before he can START.

Even in England, the age of consent is SIXTEEN, which is the highest in Europe (they also have the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in Europe, while Holland has the lowest age of consent – and the lowest teen pregnancy rate).

And in England, when a young (usually poor) gullible person returns from fighting a foreign WAR – assuming they MAKE it back with their limbs and SOME of their sanity intact, they can enjoy an alcoholic DRINK to celebrate. Not in America. THEY have to be TWENTY-ONE.

Plus, when they DO enter a bar, Americans cannot SMOKE (if in the Sixties, a time-traveller had told me that in 2008, most people went to work with a JET-PACK strapped to their back, I’d have BELIEVED them – but if they’d said that in 2008, you couldn’t SMOKE in a BAR…) in fact these days, it’s hard to find any place in America where you CAN smoke.

So, Americans can’t bonk till they’re eighteen, drink till they’re twenty-one, or smoke at ALL.

And if they dare to experiment with recreational drugs, they face DECADES in JAIL.

Then there’s the Patriot Act…

The fact is, America is slowly moving towards the country which, In My Day, they called “The Evil Empire”, because of its totalitarian regime – while Russia has spent the last twenty years becoming more LIBERAL.

No wonder the word liberal is now a “dirty word” in the States.

I only hope Obama (hallelujah) can reverse the trend (Obama SMOKES!) If some “American Patriot” doesn’t shoot him first…

Damien on… Punctuation

There is a THIEF in our midst…and he’s stealing all our dots and commas.

These days, one sometimes has to read a piece two or three times to make sense of it. Why? ‘Cause they left out the PUNCTUATION. What’s going ON? Is there a BOUNTY on these items? How come nobody told ME? Did I miss a MEETING?

Rest assured that in THESE scribblings, dots, commas, colons, semi-colons, quotes, brackets, dashes, etc., will ALL receive their due. I thank you.

Damien on… Paris Hilton

This writer has actually been INSIDE the Paris Hilton.

But then, hasn’t everybody?

Damien on… The Mersey Beat

Today, Gerry Marsden is 66. Wouldn’t it be ironic if, as he enters his dotage, he ends up being fitted for a pacemaker?

Damien on… The Bush Legacy

Much has been written (some of it by this historian) about George Wan…sorry, WaLker Bush, that dwells on the NEGATIVE aspects of his now-almost-completed administration.

But I believe it’s time to reflect on its POSITIVE aspects. To examine, without prejudice, the many constructive achievements of this misunderstood genius. So here goes.

Erm…

Erm…

Erm………..

Damien on… My Past, Present And Future

I have deliberately PRE-DATED this piece – thus keeping it at the BOTTOM of the column – to preserve it as a public, yet (to some degree) “concealed” record. It was ACTUALLY written on the twelfth of December, 2011.

Consider it to be a declaration of my “achievements” thus far…

The Past.

I have had an interesting life to date. Here, in no particular order, are some of the highlights…

I have made love with over one hundred women – and a couple of men. Their ages ranged from good-morning-judge to pass-the-formaldehyde and they hailed from every continent on the planet – except North America and Antarctica. The quantity, quality and variety of my sex-life would have made Casanova wet himself.

I have traveled all over Britain, Europe and the Far East (the New World has managed to EVADE my voyages of discovery – and now, will probably continue to do so).

I have been to the top of St Paul’s Cathedral, the Funkturm Berlin, the GPO Tower (as it was then) and the Eiffel Tower – I like to get high.

I have driven around the F1 circuit at Monte Carlo (the wrong way) through the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, from Marseilles to Pisa on the Old Road – and along the narrow, precipitous coastal route in the Scottish Highlands.

I have driven every kind of vehicle, from scooters to trucks, in every kind of weather, under every kind of road conditions – including OFF-road.

I have driven a Suzuki Caribbean over “Samui Everest”.

I have handbrake-turned a TRUCK on a wet afternoon, in Croydon High Street.

I have bested a number of Thai bar-girls at Jenga (they always slaughtered me at all the other bar games).

I have flown in many aircraft – from a Bell JetRanger III to a Boeing 747-400.

I have ridden on the footplate of a steam locomotive.

I have ridden the Wiener Riesenrad (Vienna’s Giant Wheel – as featured in “The Third Man”).

I have experienced The Big One in Blackpool, The Rotor and The Water Chute at Battersea (now long gone) and The Big Dipper at Felixstowe (likewise).

I have walked unhurt from a fatal train wreck – six others did NOT.

I have met many celebrities – Johnny Ray, Kenneth More, Frankie Howerd and Henry Cooper – to name but a few.

I have met and seen the World’s finest musicians – Buddy Rich, Jimmy Smith, Tony Lee, Chai and many others – play live.

I have collected and played most of the finest music, comedy and drama ever created.

I have seen most of the very best that TV has had to offer.

I have seen pretty much all of the best movies ever made – some in 70mm, a few in Imax and a couple in 3D.

I have seen “2001: A Space Odyssey” and “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” in Cinerama.

I have seen “It’s A Hard Day’s Night” in a packed cinema – in 1964. Even with the sound cranked up to full, I barely HEARD it. So I watched the screaming girls instead – magnificent.

I have done ALL of “Futurascope”, in Poitiers, France – in one day.

I have visited Radio Caroline (when it was a SHIP).

I have read all of the fictional works of Ian Fleming, Arthur Haley, Donald E. Westlake, Leslie Charteris and Enid Blyton (including the now-banned ones).

I have read a full set of encyclopædias (a damn waste of TIME – we have WIKI, now).

I have swum, alone and naked, across a Scottish Loch at six o’ clock in the morning. And I have seen the Sun rise through the mist over it.

I have communed with stags.

I have seen the Sun rise on a New Millennium, seated beneath a palm tree on the beach – with someone I loved.

I have seen a solar eclipse, several lunar eclipses, a quadruple rainbow and witnessed a shooting star silently explode.

I have bottle-fed a baby tiger.

I have handled bats.

I have seen a baby gecko battle a giant moth (the moth got away).

I have eaten everything from (French) snails to (Scottish) venison-burgers.

I have danced all night to Trance, on a dancers’ ledge, high above the dance-floor on the opening night of a disco (my being forty-eight at the time – the manager gave me a free t-shirt, for my efforts).

I have attended many Full Moon Parties.

I have tried my hand at most trades – including driving, sales, servicing and promotion. I worked for six months as a DJ.

I have fallen in love several times – and am in love right NOW.

I have married three times (it took me three goes to get it RIGHT) and produced a son – who is a damn good chap.

I have had many wonderful friends. Although since I retired to the Orient – most are on the other end of THIS medium.

I have (to date) written and posted nearly six hundred of these monographs – plus a book and several short stories. Currently, they have received over eighty-five thousand hits.

I have uploaded over one thousand, seven hundred pieces onto YouTube and so far, they have received over twenty million hits (over one hundred thousand a day, right now).

I have made a “movie” of my life – only a hundred-odd people have ever seen it – but a few snippets exist among my YouTube uploads.

I have also restored all of my pictures and posted them as photosets on that medium (see below).

My life has been quite a ride and all in all, the quantity of debris left in my wake appears to have been small. While some might have had reason to regret my existence, I humbly believe most were left richer for having known me.

The Present.

I have been lucky. Nothing has come easily to me in this life – but my labours have borne fruit.

Ten years ago, I finally managed to ESCAPE the cold, wet, miserable, overpriced drudgery that is Britain today – and now live in Thailand.

And after fifteen years of active searching, I finally found a woman I love – who also loves ME. And by accident, I have since become the carer of a Manx cat (ironic, given I hail from Britain and encountered her in old Siam) and two dogs – a male Aussiedoodle and a female… something. I love them too.

All told, these four are the most important things in my life – by a country mile.

We five live in a split-level detached bungalow. It has large, high-ceiled rooms and boasts a veranda, an L-shaped living room, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a carport (I drive a classic, top-of-the-range Mitsu) and a patio with my sauna.

Being an “end house” my garden is large: with three trees, some banana plants and a variety of birds, squirrels and assorted small creatures – I feed them daily.

The living room of “Domicillus” (I made the house-sign at school) contains my jukebox, my “cinema system” (a 42″plasma with a 250W 6-channel audio system) a rowing machine I’ll start USING one day – and a sectional sofa.

The main bedroom has my main telly – a 47″ LCD, with a 70W 2-channel audio system (but with BIG, EFFICIENT speakers) and a complete A/V playing system which I have built up, over the years.

I have always preferred to enjoy my entertainment – on my BED.

THIS bedroom is my DEN – in addition to this computer, it houses my collection of nearly five thousand records, tapes and disks. These in turn contain the very best of human artistic excellence from the last one hundred years.

For a while, I was worried what would happen to it all after I pegged out – but YouTube gave me the chance to share it with the World.

So as long as their cleaner does not pull the plug out of the main-frame to plug her Hoover in – it will endure after I have left This Place. Likewise, my scribblings on WordPress.

During my early years in this country, I Lived Life On The Edge. But now I am content to relax here, absorbing – and occasionally even dispensing – knowledge, experience and artistic creativity.

The Future.

I am fast approaching sixty – on paper, the Final Quarter of my life.

My Mum and Dad lived their allotted span, had a happy life and passed peacefully. I hope to do likewise – but not just yet.

However, as Mr John Winston Lennon once commented, “Life is what happens to you, while you’re making other plans.”

The fact is, no-one can predict the future. Even men of insight and knowledge get it wrong. Arthur C.Clarke and Stanley Kubrick got a lot right in their opus, “2001: A Space Odyssey” – multi-channelled TV, business suits, etc.

But they had no way of foreseeing the troubles which would befall Pan Am – or the slowdown in space exploration that would occur, once the POLITICAL goal of reaching the Moon had been achieved.

And sometimes shit just happens. Some people have GOOD lives thanks to their own imagination, foresight and intelligence – while others prosper due to sheer, dumb luck.

Likewise, some people have BAD lives caused by their wrong choices, short-sightedness and stupidity – while again, others are simply dragged down by the perfidy of fate.

And this last is my main fear. It can all be taken away so quickly – and often, from an unexpected quarter.

However, a life spent in dread of the unknown is a life wasted. And having busted my arse creating this little piece of Heaven, I am not about to piss it away by succumbing to paranoia.

I will deal with life as it comes – and try to foresee and circumvent disaster as best I am able.

And that is really IT. The above is not intended to be boastful or smug. Simply a record of my existence so far, in this place – recorded on a medium which SHOULD survive.

My uploads into this medium should endure also. If not, at least no-one can take away from me the twenty million people I have touched – however ethereally – to date.

Above, I said “see below” regarding my photosets. Well, here it is – for those few who have stumbled upon this piece and stayed WITH it this far – a nosegay of moments from my life.

There is more on the same channel – but the core piece is THIS. If your connection is fast enough, you can view it in 1080 hi-def, full-screen. Enjoy…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxPKKcpyg6c